A Difficult Time...just need to talk.
#84585 - 06/29/04 05:52 PM
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Lilybear
Reged: 04/05/04
Posts: 172
Loc: east coast, usa
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Hello Everyone,
I'm having a tough time and I just needed to talk, and get it out. My family isn't very understanding about my IBS, so it is hard for me lately. They are very judgemental and let me know. It hurts my feelings bcos I am trying very hard to live a normal life. I try to talk to them about it, but I guess they get tired of it too. They can be mean about it, and it upsets me. I can't help the fact that this is the way I am now. I get tired really easily and can't eat certain things. Not everyone understands, and I don't want to feel bad about having this disorder. They have expectations for me to be "normal" and due to IBS, I can't live up to those expectations. So they get frustrated, angry, and say hurtful things to me. It upsets me and I don't want to cry anymore. I am tired of being upset, and it flares up my IBS. I don't know what to do..... Has anyone ever had this issue?? I hope everyone is well.
Sincerely,
Lilbyear
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Hi there, Sweetheart!
People who don't understand things sometimes handle the issue poorly. Your parents love you and want you to be well. They don't want you to be sick, and they don't understand your illness. You have to help them to understand.
Have you actually gotten a diagnosis? Did you have a colonoscopy? Why not have your doctor talk to your parents and explain to them what you're going through? Alternatively, they can check out this website, or you could print out the info in the home page about what to explain to people about your condition.
How old are you, LilyBear? Are you close to "moving-out" age? Will you be going away to college soon? Most young people stay with their parents until college age and then move on. It's a very short time -- 18 years. I recall that my time at home as a young girl was so brief, it happened in a flash.
I realize that doesn't help you much. But if you are about to move out, once you get on your own you can control what you eat a lot easier. However, as long as you're at home, you're going to have to find a way to let them know there are certain foods you cannot eat. Certainly your parents will undertand that you will get sick if you eat them -- and they don't want you to be sick. It may frustrate them, but having them frustrated is far better than having you be sick.
Contact your doctor and ask for his (or her) help. Print out information on IBS and give it to your parents. They want you to be healthy -- and so do we.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
Edited by Bevrs (07/01/04 05:31 PM)
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Lilybear,
It was really sweet of you to respond to my post, so I'm going to return the favor and respond to yours!! Yes, I have definitely had this issue. With some people, there's just nothing I can do or say to help them understand, so I just kind of detach from them and say brief noncommital things like, oh, or you might be right or thanks i'll give that some thought.
With other people, giving them something to read about it helps tremendously!! Like my husband. He always thinks EVERYTHING is in my head at first. He can't help it, it's just the way he was brought up. But he's very logical and scientific so if I give him something to read that explains it, then he TOTALLY gets it and becomes SO supportive and actually helps explain it to other people.
And yes, sometimes people have unrealistic expectations of me. A friend of mine says an expectation is a premeditated resentment! Isn't that funny? Or it would be if it weren't so true. One of the biggest, most helpful life lessons I've learned is that I can stand to have people mad at me. It's uncomfortable at first, but with a lot of practice, I've gotten very comfortable with letting them have their feelings and not letting them affect me.
I've learned that the only one I can count on to give me the support I need, is ME!! And the more support I give myself, the less I need it from people who just can't give it. I still love those people, they're still my family and friends, I just don't discuss my IBS with them!!
Hope this helps, sweetie, and thanks for your suggestions to my post.
Hang in there!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Lilybear, yes, I have exactly the same issues as you and its really really hard. I'm trying to deal with the same thing - getting my family to understand that it is NOT all in my head and that when I try to act "NORMAL" sometimes I'm actually not, but doing it for THEIR benefit. Unfortunately, most of the time they dont even realize or appreciate it. You know what though? Like LS said, I'm coming to the realization that I CAN stand to have people mad at me. I have to put myself first sometimes, and damnit all if I am considered self-centered because of it. You only get one life so I'm sorry but I've gotta live it for me.
How old are you anyway! We sound like we're in similar predicaments, I would love to talk to you more! And hey, post a pic of yourself too we want to see your pretty face! 
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Lilybear,
I am sorry you are going through such a terrible time. I think many times when someone we love acts mad at us for not being "normal" it is because they don't understand and they are scared.
I agree with the other posts, have your parents talk to your doctor and print out all the info about ibs and give it to them to read.
I have lived with this for many years and sometimes my husband will say I just don't understand why you seem worse now and when we do go places you never eat. I know it is frustrating for my family to deal with because it is for me too. I think many times that is something people don't understand is how difficult things can be for us.
It is upsetting to have those we love be mad at us. Sometimes it is unavoidable and you have to try to ignore it ifyou can. Afterall, it is not your problem that your family is angry, it is their problem.
Take care of yourself,
Janey
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Janey
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LilyBear, I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I guess in that way I'm lucky my family is full of people with bowel problems, because at least they're more understanding... usually. But I certainly have had my share of people who just couldn't understand what I was going through. I agree that helping them become informed about IBS is a great idea. It's hard for them to being understanding about something that baffles them. I've also found this brochure to be very helpful. It explains IBS to people who don't have it. Good luck and I hope you're able to get a little more sympathy. It's bad enough being sick without having other things to deal with too. <<HUGS>>
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"Anyone can exercise, but this kind of lethargy takes real discipline." -Garfield
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Hi Bev,
I'm so sorry it took me so long to respond... I was so upset about it all that I decided to take a long sleep and the next day my body felt so bad bcos of all the stress. I felt so dizzy and ill at work.
Thank you so much for your concern and response! It makes me feel better to know that I can come her for support:)
You are right... they are uninformed and I must take on a responsibility to educate them about this. My Dad was like "I'm really worried about you..." I don't know what to say to him when he says that. Sometimes, I feel like this is my own battle & I am scared for their reaction once I do give them the brochure. I am scared that they still might not understand even though they have seen me ill. I was diagnosed 3 years ago. But coming onto this board has been a blessing for me bcos I have become more educated here. My doctors are not as informed about IBS. My 1st doctor told me to drink prune juice & eat bran muffins. The doctor that I was seeing just sat there while I was upset, and at each visit prescribed Immodium and medicine for gas and another one for D. I felt like I was going no where. I'm not sure if they want to go on this website... I read them info. from the website, but they are quite when I do say something about others going thru the same thing I go thru.
I am in my early 20's and am working and in college. You know my dream is to be independant. I liked shows and movies where you see the character independant and going after their dream. I want to be able to do that too. But its hard for me to hold a full-time job with my IBS. Also, I have a responsiblity at home with a family member who I support. She needs me. Your advice & support has helped me a lot. I thank everyone here!!!:) It means a lot to me to be able to come here for advice, or to take my mind off of things. "Their frustration is better than your sickness." I must realize that I have to let certain things go, and take care of myself better. Everyone will have their own opinions, but if I am not well-- then I can't enjoy life. I will take your advice & print out the information for them. I know its probably hard on them as it is on a person who has IBS. I hope it goes well & Thank you! Take care & Have a great holiday weekend.
sincerely, lilybear
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Hi ibsgrl,
How are you? I hope you've had a good day:) I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It can be difficult to try to help others understand this disorder. But ohmygosh, I do the same thing: I act well just so they won't worry. I'm not sure if I can stand to have someone mad at me... I'm the kind of person that wants to resolve the issue & work things out. I don't want feelings hurt, & for relationships to be restored. But I guess that's a part of growing up: knowing you can't please everyone. I am in my early 20's. You are really kind, if you'd like to chat more my im is sunkiss264 and my email is posted on my profile. I'll try to post my pix soon. Thanks for your reply!!
*Lilybear
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Hi There LauraSue,
Thanks for responding to my post:) That is interesting that you "detach from them and say brief noncommital things..." I have to learn to be strong enough to do that;) And know that not everyone can understand or want to understand.
Ohhh the expectations are the worst... "an expectations is a premeditated resentment?" Now that a really interesting way of looking at it. Maybe that is true. Its so sad to know that in the end, or at the end of the day: that we really have to look towards ourselves for support. But it is true though bcos not everyone will agree with what you are saying or doing. But it can be a lonely thought. Thanks so much for giving me confidence to be strong in this & for listening to me when I was down. It comforts me to be able to come here. You all are really great!!:) I'm hanging in there;-)
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lilybear: i haven't posted in awhile--but i have been reading all about you. All i can say is just keep trying-i was diagnosed last October-but started the IBS Diet and lifestyle in August. As I have improved, my family has become my support-including my in-laws! Find someone who accepts you for just you and build a relationship with them. It's your family that must change their mind and give them time. give yourself time to relax!! At least 15-30 minutes per day-helps you and your IBS. Keep trying kiddo-we're here for you! Maryh
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Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger!
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