Another Saturday night and .....
#74704 - 05/29/04 10:57 PM
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JBI
Reged: 01/25/04
Posts: 579
Loc: BC, Canada
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I'm back home from the bar, by myself, hanging out with my kitten.
I know I've complained here before about there not being any girls up here, and although I am still complaining, this post isn't really made out of self pity or anything like that. I find the dating scene in this small town very unnerving. I haven't been on a date here in over a year, yet when I was back in Toronto at Christmas time I went on a couple.
I was at the bar/club last weekend and was actually surprised at how many new girls were out. But did I actually go and talk to them? no! I've never been good at meeting girls at bars and honestly I have no idea what to say. I'm generally a friendly, fairly outgoing guy but not at a bar. Mind you most of the girls were probably still in highschool (the legal age up here is 18) or have a boyfriend/brother named Bubba. 
Now I definitely know it sounds like I'm complaining that I don't have a girlfriend, but really, I do like being single. The thing that bothers me is that the only opportunity to meet new people (girls) is at the bar and I'm really awful at that. There aren't really an abundance of clubs or activities that I can go do. Of the 70 or so pilots at work, 4 are female and the majority of the other employees are male. I'm not really sure what other things I can do. I've always been able to meet people through friends or meet new people through work or school and I've not been able ot do that.
I'm also at a point in my life where even though I like being single, I am ready for a serious relationship, therefore, I'm fairly picky about who I would like to date and if I can't see it leading to something serious I'm not that interested. I do prefer getting to know a person a little first before getting really serious though.
I do know that eventually I'll move away from here and that I'll live in a place where it is easier for me to meet people and at some time, probably when I least expect I will meet someone really nice. But that being said, do any of you ladies on here have any suggestions? Either to meet new people or things to actually say at a bar so that they don't think I'm just trying to hook up?
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Well, I really can't help you with what to say at a bar; because I haven't had experience with that. But, I do know how and where I met my wonderful husband. I was living on my own and had to do my laundry at a laundromat. My husband was on his own, too and paid the attendant to do his laundry for him. We saw each other across the room and BOOM, that was it!
I was using a washing machine close to a pay phone, and he went over to the phone and pretended to call someone just so he could get closer to me. I knew he was doing a fake call. Turns out that he called his own answering machine at his home.
Well, then he casually walked over to me and said; "I couldn't help but notice you from across the room and I see you're not wearing a ring. Would you be interested in going out?" I was hesitant and told him he could call me.
He did and the rest is history. I insisted on driving for our first few dates, because I didn't trust him.
I guess that all this really says, is that you just can't plan these things. They just happen! I'm glad you're not desperate and you're being picky. Good for you!
My daughter met her husband in a library. They're both book worms! Maybe you could try some different places and hang out. Maybe you could ask the married ladies how they met their husbands and get some ideas that way.
I think you'll be a great catch for some lucky woman out there. You're good looking and smart; so you've already got a lot more going for you than average joe.
Terri
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-- I hated meeting men in bars, even when I was young and "cool." (Yeah, it happened.)
Jamie, have you given any thought to finding a good gym? I've belonged to quite a few in my hay-day, and that's where you'll find all the gals. I've never picked up a guy there -- hell, I've been married all my life! -- but whenever I went, the gym was swarming with women. And some of 'em not bad-lookin' either! Yeah, I noticed. I'm not blind.
Isn't there a health club near you? Don't you feel the need to pump a little iron? Maybe swim a few laps? Yeah, I think so. A good-looking young flyboy stud in a pair of Speedos? Oh no, you won't have any problems!
GOFERIT.
Bev
Oooh-Oooh! I just had another thought! CLASSES! Oh yeah. What are you interested in? Don'tcha wanna take some classes and learn something new? No, I'm not talking about quilting classes (although those were a lot of fun), I'm talking about something like maybe pottery! Hey, don't laugh -- gals LOVE pottery classes. And I made some pretty darn nice cups too. Oh, and stained glass. I LOVED my stained glass class. Lots of interesting people there. The good thing about classes is that you can mix really easily there and talk freely, you've already got a foot in the door 'cause you all share the same interest. Oh, how about drawing class? You don't mind looking at nudes do you? There you go!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
Edited by Bevrs (05/30/04 06:08 AM)
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Have you thought about online dating services? I know, some might roll their eyes at that suggestion,but there is a website called eharmony.com that is supposed to be for people looking for serious relationships and values.It might be somewhat Christian based(not sure how you feel about that) but atleast you aren't likely to get paired up with some "shady" people with no goals or values.It is surprising though how many people have found a wonderful mate thru online dating.Grocery stores are another good place to meet women,the malls,bookstores,coffee shops,music concerts.Good Luck, sometimes you meet the person of your dreams when you least expect it!!!
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My son met his wife on-line  .....I think it was a basketball related site board.... and she is the most wonderful person. They have been married 6 yrs and expecting a baby in November.
Although, I do think if you try that you need to be extra careful. Maybe you could meet someone on this board!!! ha ha
My other son who is 29, is prefectly happy....after 2 bad relationships....to be single. He keeps busy with work & hobbies. His attitude is, "I'm not looking for a relationship but if it happens to come along that would be great."
Good luck
Barbie
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but we knew that, didn't we!?
though i will say looking for chicas at the gym is a bit scary. lots of women just want to be left alone at the gym
'cause they're concentrating on working out. there's nothing worse than feeling that your haven has been turned into a "meet"-market. (<---- "meet" market. clever, huh? i put it in quotes so you didn't think it was a fribro frog typo. no! i actually meant to be clever! )
of course, that said- a guy i see off-and-on runs the gym where i used to work out.  (i'm such a hypocrite, no!?  'course---- i hit on him!  )
here's the key if you're going to do the gym thing: smile, be nice, be solicitous, even go out of your way a bit to time your workouts where "hers" is (and when)if you've spotted a particular girl, but don't go be cheesy (which i doubt is anywhere in your nature anyway, Jamie! seriously! but there may be other dudes looking at this!). just be really nice and open. girls like that. girls do not want some flexing annoying guy hanging over the handles of their stairmaster while they use it (YES, i have seen this happen toooooo many times!).
as for the pottery etc., those are GREAT ideas Bev had! in fact, there are a few guys who show up for my yarn shop's Stitch and Bitches 'cause they know there will be girls there. we're unique, though, 'cause there's lotsa drinking at our S&B and also it's downstairs from a bar. but they show up "to learn how to make sweaters." and the owner of the shop has been known to fix people up, too. (DAG, i've GOT to get better and get to one of those S&Bes.... i have never been but they sound so fun!)
i digress...
so pottery places and anything like that are good. you can always start a conversation by being sheepish and "admitting" that you're there to make something for your mom/sister/cousin/best friend, and ask her opinion on the color/size/suitibility. (yes, it's a white lie, but girls think it's cute if you confess that sort of thing years later after you've fallen madly in love! -confess too early and it's a bit cheesy, though, so be forewarned. if you don't fall in love, no harm, no foul, you never have to tell the story and she's never the wiser.)
bookstores- good, cafe- good, coffee shops- good. music stores- good. just about anywhere. here's the trick: you actually have to talk to someone while you're at these places! and what do you say!? well, i think it's hard to do it but there's always something you can say, and women like it! (as long as you're not pushy--- notice the trend!?  ) here, watch and learn....
- bookstores: -"do you know which way the cooking section is?" then, if she seems interested and chatty, mention that you've been meaning to teach yourself to cook Greek/Chinese/Indonesion/Mexican/whatever! (just don't offer to make her dinner! that's cheesy when you first meet a girl!) everybody can talk about food, so if she is interested the conversation should be fairly easy thereafter. hmmmm... or there's "do you know where the photography books are?" and if you think she's interested in talking you can mention flipping though books to get ideas on "what makes a good shot" for your next trip, at which you can mention the pilot thing (CASUALLY!*). as you know, girls swoon for the pilot thing! -do you know where the books on pets are? i have a kitten and he's so much fun i want to learn a little more about cats. i've never had one before/i've never had a kitten before/it's been years since i had a kitten.
- cafe: meander close or lean over to another table and say "i have never been here before/eaten this kind of food before.... do you have a suggestion?" again- food. who can't talk about food!? now, just don't launch into a litany of why you can't eat what she suggests! just thank her! if you order something different and she catches you, just wink and tell her you'd already set your heart on whatever it is you'd ordered/or spotted it after you two talked and "it's your favorite- you can't pass it up!", but you're going to order her recommendation next time! -i'm thinking of picking something up for my best friend. she's been a little down lately and i though surprising her with lunch on Monday would be nice. what's a good suggestion that wouldn't be too messy at work?
- coffee shops- "do you drink tea? is the orange spice any good here?" or "i don't drink coffee but was thinking of shipping some to my mom/sister/cousin/best friend--- what's good?"
- music stores - "have you heard X's new CD?" -"do you know if this store starts lists for advanced sales?" -"(point at CD she is looking at) have you seen them live?" -"i want a change! any recommendations for a CD that will blow me away?" (and if you can, slide in the "i play bass" thing. girls like musicians, ya know!)
or there's always the crazy suggestion. you could always just smile and say "hi." (that's a portable, non-situation-specific one!) really.... guys don't try that enough! follow up question: "how are you today?" (see!? CRAZY!!!!)
please don't forget step two, though! you have to follow up! ask her if she wants a cup of that orange spice tea to try it. ask her if she'll walk you over to that CD she just recommended. ask her to dinner/coffee/walk around the park/for her email address "to send her a link about X-Y-Z...." (oohh, that's a good "safe" one! it really works well. "if you give me your email address, i'll send you a link about Egypt i found when i was researching my next trip," "i'll send you such-and-such band's link." WHATEVER!) but you have to make the next step if you're interested and she's interested, or else this will all just have been a pleasant conversation between two people who wished they could see one another again but never will!
so there you go. there's always something to say! just pick up the vibes she's sending out. if she looks away and never looks back after you talk to her, she's not interested. if she turns her body away, she's not interested. if she has glanced up at you several times and smiled, she's thinking about it! if she turns towards you, she's interested. if she keeps the conversation rolling, she's interested. if she doesn't, she could just be shy, so don't count on that exclusively! try a second "conversational lob" and if it doesn't work smile, say "nice talking with you" and saunter away. ps: if she "shows up" in the same aisle or area as you again within a few minutes, she's interested!
all that said---- make sure you're practicing this all the time! it gets easier!  as long as you're not lecherous or annoying or following a girl around, you're not going to irk her.
believe me, all of this will seem charming to most girls, and swoon-worthy when you bump into the "right" girl. as for transparancy--- sorry, we always know when guys are making conversation because they think we're pretty and/or are interested! always. but we like it, anyway. we think it's "cute" when guys talk to us, even if it's kind of awkward, especially if we think you're interesting and cute before you come over to talk to us! (remember "cute" is GOOD in girl talk! awkward can be cute- it's like "proof" that a guy doesn't hit on girls all the time. makes a girl feel special!) if it's all done right, even if she's not interested, you'll at least give her self-esteem a little boost and if she's not a witch she'll be cordial, which should boost your self-esteem a bit. a win-win situation!
*mention something casually: this does not mean " i am taking a trip 'cause i'm a pilot don't you think i'm sexy now?" or "i'm looking for a photography book 'cause they have good picures. i'm a pilot." No, no no..... it means something like..... hmm... ok... "well, i travel a lot for the airline and sometimes there's downtime between flights. i thought it would be fun to take up photography to fill that time and have a nice way to remember where i've been." see....? suave!
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See, you ladies are awesome, lots of friendly advice.
TeeCee - That's a great story. It's good to hear other people met their Significant Other. There's a show on TLC called the wedding story and I'm always like watching the first part and finding out how the couple met. If anybody else wants to share how they met their SO I'd certainly be interested in hearing it.
Bev and Jen, those suggestions are awesome. Unfortunately my town doesn't have either a book store or a coffee shop. They don't read up here and they drink beer instead of coffee I'm not sure about the classes, I think the only thing they would have would be classes on how to properly gut a fish or skin a rabbit.
There are two small gyms, one of which I did go to occasionally before I got sick, and I guess I should start going again now that I've gradually been better. That however, is one area where I am quite self conscious (guys get that way too sometimes) I was skinny before the IBS got bad in the fall and have lost almost 20 lbs since. Although there are many situations where I've got lots of confidence to go up and talk to people, at the gym right after I've struggled to lift just the weight bar is not one of them
With regards to letting it slip that I'm a pilot, I do try and do that and I am quite tactful about it. There are lots of pilots in this town and they've actually got a pretty bad name, so it doesn't get me brownie points here.
A stitch and bitch sounds like a fun idea though
countrygirl - I haven't tried e-harmony, that may be something I should look into. I did try out Lavalife a bit, but because I live so far away from any big city, (the nearest city over 100,000 is 500 miles away) it wasn't very effective. That site at least was more for people who wanted to meet up on dates. The replies I would get would be polite, but that they were interested in someone who lived near by.
Thanks again for all your suggestions, keep em coming and I'd love to hear how people met their significant others.
Jamie
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I was 16yrs old and just broken up with an emotionally(sometimes Physically)abusive boyfriend.I was working part time on weekends at a Steak House,the head cook,a very sweet lady befriended me and knew i was going thru alot with my ex boyfriend calling me and harrassing me.One night he called me at work,i almost got fired for it! I griped about "stupid boys" and she said she had 4 boys at home if i ever needed a date,she would set something up.Prom was coming up,so my girlfriend and i went dress shopping.We planned to go as one big group of girls without dates. We just happened to stop at the head cook's house to say hello. There my husband was,the "baby" of the family,just 2 years older than me.I thought he was the most gorgeous guy on earth!! Things didnt go too smooth at first though,he hit his head on the light fixture when he walked in the house and i laughed outloud, he shot me a dirty look,and i figured i blew any chance with him at that moment.He later told me he thought i was too "snobby" for him.LOL, i am just a little shy at first,he may have taken that as being "snobby"?,,,anyway,somehow before the day was over we got to talking,his best friend Nathan was putting the moves on me very bluntly and i think my husband got jealous, we ended up talking for hours,Nathan ended up focusing on my girlfriend knowing i was more interested in my "future husband" than i was with him. When he found out i was going to the prom with a group of girls he offered to take me to my prom,even though we did not attend the same high school. We have been together ever since,dated for 4 years before we married and have been married going on 14 years now. At first my parents thought i could do better,but now they love him. Ever hear that song by Trisha Yearwood "She's in love with the boy"?,,,,that song always reminds me of my husband and I. So i guess you could say we are high school sweethearts,even if we didnt attend the same high school. Hey, now that's a thought,maybe you could hook up with someone at your next high school reunion?...just a thought.
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Jen, you are good!! LOL! You have some great ideas!! I think it's hard being a gal. We can't approach the opposite sex in such gusto or with such aggression. Now, I'm pretty extroverted and very friendly but I would rarely make the first move, especially approaching a stranger to strike up a conversation. Ask for their opponion on the "Peachy Ginger tea" at a Cafe, yes, I would do that!! That's one I've got to remember! **SMILE**
Dating is so tuff. I'm enjoying my single-hood too, just me and my cat... but yet companionship is so wonderful.
I'm single and here's where I go...
the gym is a good one. Just don't approach her to chat. Try asking her if you can "work in". Meaning ask her if she will share the machine she's on. That's a good way because you can get close enough to smile and make eye contact. Make sure you wipe your sweat off the machine each time though, it's a nice gesture.
I took a writing class a couple of years ago. Great place to meet someone, all we did was talk! Not a poet..
Join a growth group thru a church. Maybe Christianity is not your thing, but lot's of young people there. Great place to show off your baking skills. Girls love a guy who can bake and cook.
Walk your cat. I'm trying to train mine. Take her to the park for a walk. Girls will flock to a good looking guy walking his cat! I know I would!! Besides, it's funny, it would make me laugh. Most guys don't even like cats!! You have one up there!
Join a running group or biking group. Or a book exchange club.
The best one is....the grocery market!! Everyone has to go...ask her where the floss is. All gals like nice teeth. That would get my attention.
goodluck!
my best advice is don't search just set up "funny or not" senerios. Make her laugh, catch her off guard. Get her attention. ""Accidently"" Knock off all the boxes of tea (when she's NOT looking), if she's nice she'll help you pick them up. If she doesn't help...well...not meant to be. She probably keeps a messy house anyways!! **SMILE**
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Life responds when we risk.
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Quote:
Hey, now that's a thought,maybe you could hook up with someone at your next high school reunion?...just a thought.
Hey Countrygirl, great story. That's so great that things worked out that way. One problem though, I went to an all guys highschool, so a reunion may not be the way to go
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Hi Genie,
Thanks for the post. It sounds like the gym may be the place to go. I liked your idea about taking my cat for a walk. She's just 5 months old so now would be a good time to get her used to walking with a leash.
I do go to church occasionally, however, it's a very small church and there really is nobody my age.
I also like your suggestion of trying to make her laugh. I gues sthe first instinct is ok, what if I make a fool of myself, but thinking about it, if she didn't find it funny, she probably isn't the type of girl I'm looking for.
However, I do have to slightly disagree with you about girls not being able to be approach the opposite sex with gusto. I think if anything girls are better able to do that. Too often women have their guard up cause they think sleazy guys are going to hit on them, so even if a nice guy tries to talk to them, they don't really respond. On the otherhand, guys don't expect to have a girl start talking to them, so if one does and she's even remotely attractive, most guys will gladly start talking to them cause they're not used to the attention. One caveat though, some guys will think that this interest means that he's getting lucky tonight, which could totally not be the case.
Thanks for the advice,
Jamie
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QUOTE:
Too often women have their guard up cause they think sleazy guys are going to hit on them, so even if a nice guy tries to talk to them, they don't really respond. On the otherhand, guys don't expect to have a girl start talking to them, so if one does and she's even remotely attractive, most guys will gladly start talking to them cause they're not used to the attention.
Your'e right actually. Maybe I'll just try it and see what happens...
Whats your cats name? I need to train mine to walk on a leash. SHe's driving me crazy always wanting to go outside. Poor thing. It must be aweful being an indoor cat. She's even put on the pounds from just sleeping all day and looking out the window.
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Life responds when we risk.
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Hey, wait a second... I start a thread seeking advice on how to meet single girls and I end up giving advice on how girls should meet guys? hehe, just kidding, I've gotten lots of great advice.
With regards to my cat, her name is Mags. She's an indoor cat as well, although I can tell now that the weather is nice she's getting interested in outside. I'm going to keep her as an indoor cat, specifically cause up here there's lots of wildlife and lots of raven that are twice as big as her! But sometimes when she's got lots of energy at 4am I want her to be an outside cat so I can get back to sleep.
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Have you taken your little Mags to see her doctor.?how old is she.take good care of her.
an all you have to do is walk up an say my name is Jim an can I buy you a drink.ofcourse that would be a coke.lol.
[ Hugs to all }
Gerry.
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Neta G.Yale
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Oh boy that has been 52 years, but I can remember like it was yesterday.he has been the best thing that has ever happen to me.he just came back from Korea.I was living with my girl friend an her mother.an his buddy an him came to her house to see her.[he told me later ]he told them he was going to marry me. an we did three weeks later.an I could go on an on.but it has been a happy 52 years we have had our ups an down like everyone but it is so much fun makeing up.
[ Hugs to all ] Gerry.
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Neta G.Yale
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Jamie, If the weather is nice and she's, what, 5 months old you say, she's not only interested in the weather but other cats.............MALE cats!!! She can get PG at this age I hope you know. Think about getting her "fixed" soon, unless you want a lot of extra little Mags around!
Don't just get a collar, get a harness if you are going to try to train her to walk outside with you. A cat can slip out of a collar easily, but not a harness since it goes around their tummy too. Besides, you don't want her to choke when she resists the leash…which she will.
Get her used to riding in a car at a young age…………and staying off your lap or wrapped around your neck or legs when you drive. Just go around a block or two at first and work up to distances. Make sure she has the leash and harness on at that time and it's attached to something. Cats will dart out of a car once the door is open in the blink of an eye. That or keep her in a cage in the car……….something they, for the most part, hate. It's not the best way for her to get to actually LIKE riding in a car.
I know what you mean about them rising early. Some cats will drive you nuts doing that, and LOVE every minute of it. Others will sleep in as long as you do. You have a couple choices here………..shut her out of your room the minute she acts up so you can sleep in. (Be prepared for her to scratch at the outside of the door trying to get back in. Put something that smells like citrus on the door. They hate that.) or deal with it until she gets over it and goes back to sleep, or scold her (that usually never works….lol.)
There are some great documentaries on cats from the discovery channel. They cover the history of, or the behavior or some other aspect of felines. See if you can't get these from a local library. (Or don't they have those where you are either?) or catch when they re-run them on TV. You'll find the info very helpful as being a first time cat owner.
Cats are very trainable if you start young. Mags is actually a little old to start, but she's a "ginger" cat and those have always been my smartest cats, so she should do fine, and be able to outsmart YOU when you least expect it!!! Be patient, very patient, and determined and send her mental messages. By that I mean try to make eye contact and send her a VISUAL message of what you want her to do, visualizing (not telling) her what you want her to do…start slow and send the message over and over and she'll eventually pick up on it. Cats really are no different than dogs in that they really DO want to please their owners. You just have to go about it differently with them.
You poor guy……………no dates. Correct me if I'm wrong, but your description of where you live sounds like a cross between the old TV show, Northern Exposure, and the sitcom, "Wings". Am I totally off base here? What's the name of the town you said you were in? You got lots of good recommendations from the others, especially about making Mags the "Chick Magnet" (or is that "Chick Magneto"?)… so I won't add my 2 cents worth, but I did ask my husband, the 28 year veteran pilot, and explained the situation you were in. He said, "Never lower your standards, but you CAN raise your evaluation"………….……………HE WOULD, having been quite the ladies man over the years.
I dunno……….I personally would stay away from the gym…………to intimidating to have those body builder types around, besides a pilot NEVER needs brawn, only brains. It's your redeeming feature………capitalize on IT….the brains, not the pilot thing that is.
Good luck Jamie,
We love you on these boards……..
Kandee
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Would you beleive a funeral?
Why not. Actually he owned a club on Long Island- in NY. My cousin was a waitress there and my aunt passed away. He came to the funeral and we met. I was not crass enough to hit on him and he "claims" he doesnt remember me. A few weeks later- we met at the bar and he was instantly in love. It took me a little longer. But we have been together ever since. That was in 1991.
Jill
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Kandee,you said it better then me.I was trying to be nice about getting his cat to the doctor.
[ Hugs an Kisses ]
Gerry.
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Neta G.Yale
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Honey I,m sure you where not even born when I got marry 1952.how about them apples.
[hugs to all ]
Gerry.
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Neta G.Yale
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I interned at the same company for 3 years while I was in college. The second summer I was there, I had to be introduced to new people. My husband was sitting there by his computer, and when I was introduced I just melted on the inside. He said he went home that night and told his roommate that he found his girl. We didn't start dating for about 3 months because of working together - and we were both shy. He asked me out by sending me an email while we were at work to meet him outside. Then - after dating for over a year with no one at the company knowing - I was asked out by another employee - and had to tell him the truth....so that's how the rumer got around. Everyone we worked with was at our wedding!
Good luck to you....seems like when you're not looking at all is when it actually happens. I know it can be hard in small towns!
~Cara
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~Cara~
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cara
#74912 - 05/31/04 07:02 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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That is SO sweet! You guys are just gorgeous and lovely - I'm so glad you found each other!
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Aww! Thank you! I'm glad we found eachother too.
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~Cara~
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Hey Kandee,
Mags isn't fixed yet, but her appointment is June 28th. We weren't sure exactly how old she was so we didn't want to get it done too early. I like kittens, but one cat is enough!
Thanks for all the tips. My town is exactly that a cross between Northern Exposure and Wings with a little bit of "trailer park boys" thrown in. (That's a weird Canadian show). Very similar to wings actually. At my company up until they retired last summer we had a Roy and Faye. Each were characters in their own way.
I like you husband's saying. I'm definitely not lowering my standards
Jamie
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JBI
#75155 - 06/01/04 08:17 AM
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My cousin lost her husband a few years back. They were happily married for a very long time. She had a hard time meeting nice men and met a few jerks along the way. Finally she tried one of the on line match services. I can't remember the name of it at the moment but there are a few good ones (I'll try to think of it - possibly match.com or something similar). She didn't tell anyone because she was embarrassed. She ended up meeting a wonderful guy that had all things in common that she did. He lived close to her and after a while of getting to know each other on line and sharing photos, etc., they decided to meet. Now they are engaged and having the time of their lives. It's something to think about. It is so hard with the whole bar scene where people aren't even being themselves. This way you really get to know them before you go further (just like you are meeting people here and getting to know them) and I think it is a good way to match up interests. Just a thought. 
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