Help. Mental/physical breakdown. LS? Linz? anyone?
#71021 - 05/17/04 05:02 AM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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ok, i know this isn't a fibro site, but i feel like you guys are my friends and i'm a little freakin' out. i totally lost it this morning. i don't mean to monopolize things with the fibro talks, really i don't, but i'm losing it, here...
as i mentioned before, i didn't make it in to work all week last week. well, i was determined to get there today. we have a new computer system in the office and my supervisor was counting on me to be a lead person on learning it and helping others learn it. training for that started last Wednesday. i've been feeling guilty about not being there, so i was hell-bent on getting to work today.
well, i managed to get up and get a shower this morning before i almost collapsed. this fibro crap is getting worse and worse--- FAST. i know i didn't sleep last night. i think the new medication is at too low a dose. i would "sleep" lightly for about a half an hour, then be awake for a half an hour. this went on ALL NIGHT.
well, i was in the shower and almost fell out of it i was so weak. i couldn't dry my hair. i started crying out of frustration (yes, i've been teary lately, but this is the first crying jag since that doctor's appt. when i lost it. maybe i was due for a pity party. where's the hat!?   ). anyway, i was shaking and weak and hysterically crying. then i got even more stupid and couldn't catch my breath. i almost vomited, i was crying so hard. now, isn't that a tad dramatic!?
so that only went on for a few minutes, but by the end of it i knew i couldn't go into work. i was worn out from the shower, then from the crying. i am not really feeling sorry for myself as much as i am feeling frustrated.
if i sit around all day i can do some knitting for a while. i can watch TV. i can even get a little reading in. but i'm painful (more so than i've ever been before, all over, all the time) and i'm weak. if i have the audacity to use my muscles for something (like to dry my hair, which i had to do sitting down on the toilet with my elbows propped on my knees), i have spaghetti- muscles for hours afterwards. especially not good when that's my legs, 'cause then i feel like i'm going to fall over all the time. sometimes my shoulders are just on fire, and then other times it's my hip. i know this isn't going to kill me. i understand that, but it's really really scary anyway. it's difficult to cope with something as wiley and variable as this. just when you get the heating pad on your shoulder, your knee goes crazy. i don't have enough heating pads! 
i don't mean to whine, really i don't, but LS... Linzy... and everyone who doesn't have fibro but who is so very kind to me all the time... i don't know if i can do this for much longer. i'm really getting demoralized. i feel lazy and weak and frustrated. i am still earning money right now even though i'm home, but if i don't pull it together i'm going to run out of sick time.
i have an appointment with my doctor today, but i dont' know what that's going to do. i'm going to see about getting paperwork done so i can go to work for half-days for a while, but crap, i can't even get in right now. i can't even get through a shower if i don't have a whole night's sleep. a half-day of work, especially learning a new task, just sounds so daunting....
i know i have to take responsibility for myself and my health and not worry about my supervisor and my coworkers needing me to learn this stuff. but i feel responsible for learning this new computer system! and i go through what we all go through--- even with IBS. i look fine. i try to be in a good mood all the time. so i feel like people look at me as lazy or avoiding work because i stay home. well, i don't think the woman who answers the "call in sick" phoneline thinks that, as i called when i was upset and expected her voicemail. when she answered i did that whole start-talking-and-uncontrollably-revert-to-crying thing.  oy vey. i can't be responsible for what others think, and i know that, but still you don't want people to think you're lazy, right? or being overly dramatic. ugh. i can't worry about that, right....?
ARGH. i think i'm going a little nutso.
thanks for letting me vent. as always, you are all the best.
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*MAJOR HUGS*
#71039 - 05/17/04 06:48 AM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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Jen hon, I understand how you feel right now. I'm so exhausted between shaking all the time, and my headaches take a lot out of me, and the stupid prozac I was on this weekend made me even more exhausted. But I feel bad missing so many lectures, and I need to not miss work because I completely support myself and not going into work means not getting paid for me since I have to clock in and out to get paid and it's all automated. But you will get through this, you're an incredibly strong woman, and I'm sure anyone here on the boards will agree with me. Talk to you doctor today, see if maybe you need to get your meds upped, or if there's something else small you could be doing. And if you haven't already, explain what's going on with your boss. Since your work is on the computer a lot, could you maybe talk to him about working from home? Don't give up, Jen, I know it's really hard right now, but you can and will get through this!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Hi wonderful Jen,
You are one of the most strongest, compassionate, helpful people on this board.....You can't sink this low  --please, please snap out of it . We are all here pulling for you. Do you have any family that can console you? I have a sister that was severely depressed this weekend and we talked it through and she said it helped her. If you do computer work, can you work from home somehow??? What about going on disability???
I'm glad you are seeing your doctor today. Is he a good doctor for fibro? Have you considered asking your doc about pain pills like Vicodin or Darvocet (I know they are addicting but maybe could get you through the really tough days)??
You are in my thoughts
Barbie
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Jen and all,
Hi. Not a good morning this morning. I made it into work, but I'm sitting here feeling woozy. I had a D attack this morning and my little bum still hurts! I'm dehidrated from it too. I have alot to get done today - so I need to stay here and work - I do that too often - but maybe I won't come in much tomorrow cause I have a doctor's appointment that day. Jen, I know how you feeling about hating to call in. I live in Washington and work for the Congress - everyone here is the defenition of workaholic!!! I really hope you can get your paperwork filed and find a plan that will make things better for you. Also hope your doctor's appointment goes well this week. I hate doctors and I have to go see one tomorrow too. They poke too much and ask questions I don't like answering and generally put me on medication that makes me sick. Does it help at all to take a warm bath - it's a good full body heating pad thing. Always makes me feel better. Just a thought. I'll be praying for everyone today. Thanks for listening.
Min
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Jen,
You poor baby. I am sorry that you are feeling so bad physically and mentally. Good luck at the Dr. today and let us know what he says.
I'll be thinking about you all day.
Hugs,
Janey
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Janey
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Help for SweetPea
#71065 - 05/17/04 08:12 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Oh, sweetheart, what you're going through! Yowza! My heart goes out to you, BIG time!
You're very good at describing your pain. Just do the same with the doctor. Something tells me you'll get a different med or stronger meds than you have. It sounds like that's what you need. Perhaps he wanted to start you out with something mild; now he'll realize you need something stronger.
Jen, please try to stop worrying about what others think. Why do we do that to ourselves? It's just counter-productive. I know that people aren't very sympathetic about IBS, but they ARE about fibro. Oh yeah. I'll bet you anything that everyone at your office is worrying about you BIG time. So stop that worrying about what others think, ya hear me?!
Do you watch "Everyone Loves Raymond"? Did you see the episode in which the wife broke down and cried on the couch while Raymond spied on her from outside the window, shocked, not knowing why she was crying? Turned out she does it because it's very cathartic. You know, she's right. It IS cathartic. First of all, Jen, you have a good reason to cry. Secondly, it helps. Don't you always feel better afterwards? Just GOFERIT!
Please let us know what Doctor JellyFinger says.
SMOOCHES!
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Hi Jen,
I know how hard it can be, when you feel like your letting people down! I know the lazy feeling too. I'm not sure what I have but its very similar to yours. I have the break downs and the crying. I'm not nearly as bad as you with the energy thing. I really feel for you. I know what its like to feel like you cant even take a shower. I wake up and it takes me a good 3 hours before I can do anything that requires much energy.
You need to not worry about work and what others think of you. You need to focus on getting better. You have been through so much. I think you need this time off and less stress. Your work will manage with out you. It would be great if you could find a job that you could work from home.
I'm worried about you and all that you try to do. I hope that something will start working for you. I think you need to take deep breaths and not think about anything else but getting better!
Then try to not think about fibro....I know that's a hard one to do...you feel like *hit!!!! But maybe just not thinking about it will help you relax. I hope you know what I mean about this....I don't want you to take that the wrong way. I cant imagin going through what you are. Its horrible. I really wish there was something magical you could do to feel better!
So those are my suggestions....stay home as long as you have to....take your mind off of everything......read, watch some kick butt movies.....do your knitting!!!! But please dont' worry about others, or your job! You're the most important thing to consentrate on right now!
I feel like I'm rammbeling.I'm a litte foggy today, so please forgive me if I said anything stupid or that didn't make sense!!!
We all love you Jen and want you to know you can talk about Fibro all you want. Were here to support you and incourage you!!!
I hope you get some rest today!
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
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Jen,
It's going to be okay. You'll get through this. Just take it one day at a time.
Being exhausted after taking a shower is SO normal for fibro. There was just an article in one of the fibro magazines about a (male) doctor who has it, and he said his morning routine is take a shower, lie down for awhile, have breakfast, lie down for a while, get dressed, you guessed it lie down for awhile.
But honestly, a year after my health collapsed, I am doing SO much better. Most days are not too bad anymore. Bad days only last 24 hours now. I also went through the crying uncontrollably phase at first, combined with screaming fights with people. That stopped after about four months once I got caught up enough on my sleep.
There IS hope. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. You are so dedicated and conscientous at work, they are so lucky to have you. And tomorrow you can worry about the new training. Today the best thing you can do for the job AND yourself is REST!!
And I think it's a GOOD thing that the "call-in sick" lady heard you breakdown and cry. What better way to clue her in that you're REALLY SICK!! But you're right, YOU COME FIRST!! Worrying about what other people think of us is not helpful to put it mildly.
Now, you're not being overdramatic. You're being honest. And I can't hold my arms up long enough to blow dry my hair either. I just let it air dry. And as far as whining and feeling "lazy, weak and frustrated," you know what I'm going to say. YOU ARE NOT LAZY, YOU ARE SICK!!! BIG DIFFERENCE!!!! And asking for help is not whining, it's a sign of strength and maturity not weakness. (Okay and maybe a little desperation too!!)
So hang in there girlfriend. This is a totally new thing you're dealing with, and scary. Give yourself time. You'll be okay the same way I'm okay. Okay??!!
Love you.
PS. I'm in fibro flare today too!! And I did the research on the low carb fibro thing and guess what -- we're BOTH right, we're both bloomin' geniuses! Too tired to sum it up today, but I'll post about it tomorrow. SMOOCHIES!!
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Laura
Keep it simple!
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Oh Sweetie, I don't really have any other advice to add, except maybe talk to your dr about a low dose anti depressant. I can not even begin to explain how much better I feel since I went back on my Wellbutrin, maybe something like that would help you too?
I can relate to what you are going through. My mom has severe Lymes and Fibro, along with IBS. She is one of the rare people that anti biotics didn't cure her Lymes. I remember the last time I visited, she was crying her shoulders hurt so bad so I rubbed them a little for her, not real hard or anything. Later that day she was black and blue from where I rubbed her, I felt awful! She is in constitant pain as well. It has really wore her down over the years. Please, make your doc understand how bad this is for you, I don't want it to wear you down like it did her. I wish I could help you in some way, as I am sure most of us here do.
Lots of hugs and love to you!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Hon you are just having so much to deal with right now. Anyone would feel that way so don't be so hard on yourself. I know it has to be a little scary for you and frustrating as well so vent on here all you want. You know everyone is here to help you through it.
Glad you have an appointment with the doctor. Hopefully he can suggest something that will help you feel better.
Vent all you want!! It's better than holding it in and I know all the people that answer your posts will probably be the best medicine of all.
Wishing you the best!
Pat
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