joke of the day..... (my new way to get on your nerves!)
#62876 - 04/20/04 07:14 AM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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i've decided in an effort to annoy you...er... i mean entertain you, i'm going to post a joke of the day.
daily.
that would be the point of a joke of the day.
i thought we could use a little more humor in our lives, not just get it from laughing at our doctors....
so here goes. without further ado, the very, very first joke of the day:
Oil Change
Oil Change instructions for Women: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change - $20.00 Coffee - $1.00 Total - $21.00.
Oil Change instructions for Men: Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. Place drain pan under engine. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. Clean up mess. Have another beer while watching oil drain. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. Beer. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug. Drink beer. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Drink beer. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. Begin cussing fit. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992 in the left boob. Beer. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. Beer. Beer. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. Beer. Lower car from jack stands. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. Beer. Test drive car. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. Car gets impounded. Make bail. Get car from impound yard. Money spent: Parts - $50.00 DUI - $2500.00 Impound fee - $75.00 Bail - $1500.00 Beer - $25.00 Total - $4150.00 But you know the job was done right!
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That's a good one Jen. It sure put a smile on my face.
Thanks
-------------------- Janey
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EXCELLENT!
#62909 - 04/20/04 08:31 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Well, Girlfriend, you're off to a roaring start! I have a certain friend I'm gonna have to send this to.
Can't wait 'till tomorrow's joke. You realize, of course, you're gonna have to top this one.....?
-------------------- <img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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-------------------- www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Yeah good one!!
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hehe Good one Jen,
BUT:
Have you seen the one for the instructions for using a drive through Bank Machine?
Instuctions for Men 1- Pull up to Bank Machine 2- leave car in drive, put foot on brake 3- open window 4- insert card in machine 5- type in code 6- withdrawl cash 7- drive away
Instructions for Women 1- Pull up to Bank Machine 2- put car in park 3- check purse for bank card 4- apply lip balm that is found in purse 5- admire your lip balm in the mirror 6- fix hair 7- find bank card in purse 8- roll down window 9- reach over to the bank machine 10- realize you can't reach, take seat belt off and reach somemore 11- realize you still can't reach 12- put car back in gear, back up 13- drive up to the machine 14- search for bank card on floor of car 15- slam your foot on the brake when you realize car is moving 16- put the car in park 17- find bank card 18- open window, realize that you're still too far 19- turn off car 20- get out of car, get to bank machine 21- go back and get the bank card from inside the car 22- go back to Bank machine 23- insert card, withdrawl money 24- get back in car 25- check hair 26- re-apply lip balm 27- drive off marvelling at how great modern convienences are
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OMG...
#63034 - 04/20/04 12:19 PM
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jenX
Reged: 08/11/03
Posts: 3252
Loc: Richmond, VA
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that's GREAT!
naturally, i don't do that at all.
ok, most of it.
ok, i do much of it.
ok... that sounds like me, but not with the 2nd application of lip balm!
(the 2nd time, it's lip gloss)
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Re: OMG...
#63035 - 04/20/04 12:22 PM
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JBI
Reged: 01/25/04
Posts: 579
Loc: BC, Canada
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sorry, lip gloss... my mistake
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-------------------- <img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Jen & Jamie - too funny! Thanks for the laughs! (Next time will know not to read while giving myself a facial - I was literally "cracking" up! )
Can't wait to read tomorrows!
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