My Father-in-Law passed away... and I need your help
#52856 - 03/21/04 10:13 PM
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KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
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He lost his very brave battle with Cancer last Monday morning whilst I was en route for my surgery. He was 55.
When I say very brave I really mean it. Not once did he ever complain about the pain he was in or the injustice of his situation.
His funeral was attended by so many people that many had to stand outside. It really showed how much people thought of him.
We are all in shock. He only lived 3 months after the diagnosis and up until about 2 weeks ago we all thought they had removed all the cancer with the operation last year.
Our lives are in such turmoil. It is a very hard time. I keep telling myself that we are being given such difficulties to make us strong and I need to keep believing that.
This time last year I was posting on this site every day and hadn't missed a Yoga class in 18 months. Lately I feel like I'm missing out on everyone's news here (though I do think of you all) and I have been to about 3 yoga classes in the last 4 months.
Needless to say my IBS is more out of control than it has been in ages.
I am really going to try to "normalise" things as much as possible and hopefully stabilise myself before we go to Bali so that we can enjoy the time away.
I need all of you guys to help me stick to this:
As of today I will:
get to Yoga every week no matter what (starting tonight - my tummy is still a bit sore but I can go for the relaxation and sit any tummy stuff out)
start walking my dogs each morning again
spend less time crying over the baby I don't have and more time being thankful for what I do have
get my sugar addiction under control - I know sugar is fine for IBS but it's not too good for PCOS and ever since things have been really bad I have been sucking down so many lollies that it is just about making me sick but I can't stop!
get my retail therapy problem under control! Every time something goes wrong I try to cure it by spending money and it needs to stop because while it helps at the time I feel terrible later. Plus when you are spending a fortune on IVF you should be saving not spending.
Help me out guys - I need everyone to get on my back about these things and help me to get myself back on track. Maybe if I am accountable for these things I might be able to get it under control. I have tried writing down the lollies I have eaten and the money I have wasted but no-one else sees it so it doesn't really stop me.
Sorry for the strightly strange post but I feel better admitting all this to someone.
Kerrie 
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
Edited by KinOz (03/21/04 10:22 PM)
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So Sorry
#52861 - 03/21/04 11:59 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Hi Kerrie,
I'm fairly new to the boards so I don't think I've ever posted when you were posting a lot, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your loss.
I lost my mom to cancer not too long ago (she was 48) and I know how hard it can be. My IBS got pretty out of control then as well, it's pretty hard to take care of yourself when you're trying to take care of others isn't it? If you don't mind me asking, what kind of cancer did he have?
Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that things will get better...it takes time, but they definately will. And it's amazing how much our bodies can handle when they have to, you can be incredibly strong when the situation calls for strength 
As for your to-do list, I'm sure everyone on this board will help you out with the things you want to do. I found that getting back into a routine was incredibly helpful in dealing with everything, so I wish you the best of luck with that! I too have a bit of a problem with retail therapy...so maybe we can work on that one together 
Anyways, take care and it's nice to "meet" you on the boards.
Kelly
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Help is on the way!!! I think it's absolutely AMAZING that despite the really tough time you are going through, you are able to set yourself some positive goals and show determination. You will get all the support you need (and a kick up the bum too if you need it!) heheheh...
Your approach to all of this is truly commendable!!
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Dear Kerrie, I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Cancer is such a cruel disease. Believe me, I know-I lost my mom to it, and now my dad is terminally ill with cancer also. I am very impressed that you
have the strength to even THINK about setting goals for yourself right now. Good luck during this
difficult time. I will be praying for your healing. Linda
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"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." ~ Groucho Marx
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Oh Kerry... what a horrible thing to happen. We're definitely here for you, but also give yourself some slack. You have a lot of really hard things going on, and if you mess up in response to them now or then, that is totally understandable. I can see where you want to change your bad habits of coping with good though. But for right now, go easy on yourself!
We're thinking about you.
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*hugs* I'm so sorry for your loss, Kerrie. It sounds like you're on the right track though with your goals; we're here if you need help!
*more hugs*
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Hi Kerrie,
Happy to see you back on the boards! I'm really sorry about your familys loss.
We're here to help you meet your goals!! I'm trying to do a few of the same things as you. Get over sugar, exercise and get my tummy under control.
I hope things will get better for you. I'll bet that now all the worry about your father-in-law is over things will start to get back to normal.
I know that you are all going to miss him and feel sad for sometime. Its really hard to lose a loved one. I know the numb feeling you have after you've been so worried and then it all happens. Your at a loss. Now is when things change because the worrie over his health is no longer there. Wow life can be so hard!
I'm hoping in the next few weeks you and your family will be able to make the transition. The same type of situation happened in my family. We were taking care of a loved one, knowing it would end. Its hard.
We are here for you to help you meet your goals!!! I'm glad to see you back on the boards!
Good luck! {{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
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Kerrie, I've been thinking about you a lot, remembering your recent posts and wondering about your father-in-law. I can imagine what a shock it's been to all of you; he was so young -- 4 years younger than I (and that's young!).
I pulled out some guidelines ("Lamps on the Path") that I've had in my "Keepsakes" folder for the past 30 years, ever since my daddy died. Hopefully some of these can help you:
(Quote)
"1. Accept the grief. Roll with the tides of it. Do not try to be brave. Take time to cry. This also applies to men -- strong men can and do cry.
2. Talk about it. Share your grief WITHIN THE FAMILY. Do not attempt to protect them by silence. FIND A FRIEND TO TALK TO, someone who will listen without passing judgment. If possible, find someone who has experienced a similar sorrow. And talk often. If the friend tells you to "snap out of it," find another friend.
3. Keep busy. Do purposeful work that occupies the mind, but avoid frantic activity.
4. Take care of yourself. Bereavement can be a threat to your health. At the moment you may feel that you don't care. That will change. You are important -- your life is valuable -- care for it.
5. Eat well. At this time of emotional and physical depletion your body needs good nourishment more than ever. If you can only pick at your food, a vitamin supplement might be helpful, but it will not fully make up for a poor diet. Be good to yourself.
6. Exercise regularly. Return to your old program or start one as soon as possible. Depression can be lightened a little by the biochemical changes brought by exercise. And you will sleep better. An hour-long walk every day is ideal for many people.
7. Get rid of imagined guilt. You did the best you could at the time, all things considered. If you made mistakes, learn to accept that we are all imperfect. Only hindsight is 20-20. If you are convinced that you have real guilt, consider professional or spiritual counseling. If you believe in God, a pastor can help you believe also in God's forgiveness.
8. Accept your understanding of the death, for the time being. You have probably asked, "why?" over and over and have finally realized that you will get no acceptable answer. But you probably have some small degree of understanding. Use that as your viewpoint until you are able to work up to another level of understanding.
9. Join a group of others who are sorrowing. Your old circle of friends may change. Even if it does not, you will need new friends who have been through your experience. Bereaved people sometimes form groups for friendship and sharing.
10. Associate with old friends also. This may be difficult. Some will be embarrassed by your presence, but they will get over it. If and when you can, talk and act naturally, without avoiding the subject of your loss.
11. Postpone major decisions. For example, wait before deciding to sell your house or change jobs.
12. Record your thoughts in a journal, if you are inclined at all towards writing. It helps get your feelings out and records your progress.
13. Turn grief into creative energy. Find a way to help others. Helping to carry someone else's load is guaranteed to lighten your own. If you have writing ability, use it. Great literature has been written as a tribute to someone loved and lost.
14. Take advantage of your religious affiliation, if you have one. If you have been inactive in matters of faith, this might be the time to become involved again. The Bible has much to say about sorrow. Old hymns are relevant. As time passes, you may find you are not so mad at God after all.
15. Get professional help if needed. Do not allow crippling grief to continue. There comes a time to stop crying and to live again. Sometimes just a few sessions with a trained counselor will help you to resolve the anger, guilt, and despair that keep you from functioning.
Remember: no matter how deep your sorrow, you are not alone. Others have been there and will help share your load if you will let them. Do not deny them the opportunity."
(Unquote)
We're here always.
Your friend,
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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{{{{{Kerrie}}}}}
I'm so sorry to read of your loss. I will say a prayer for you and your family.
We are all here for you....and that is a good thing that you KNEW you could come to us for support. Just keep us posted on how you are doing....and we will all encourage you to go down the path that YOU wish to take.... one day at a time.... you'll make it.
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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we are all here for you....you can count on that. {{{{{hugs}}}}}
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Kerrie; sorry for your loss. I loss both my parents to cancer. It is a cruel disease.
You do know that here on this board we are here for you. We are here for anyone that has its ups and downs.
Glad that you are trying to "normalize" yourself. Take it one day at a time. If you fall down just pick yourself up and try again.
With you spending money; just take a piggy bank , or something that you can't get into, and everytime that urge hits put the money that you thought you would spend in the IVF bank ! ( I did this when I was quitting smoking, urge to smoke- 5 bucks in the pot; saved lots of money).
You also know that you can post anything here.
Take care of yourself, glad to have you back. Have a good day today!!! Sue
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Kerrie,
So very sorry to hear about your father-in-law. It's so sad! I've no doubt that you will meet your goals and it will all happen at the right time. Just wanted to say that I'm really sorry to hear of your sorrow!
Terri
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Hugs
#53088 - 03/22/04 02:37 PM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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So sorry to hear that Kerrie. Cancer is so horrible.
I know what you mean about shock - one of my oldest friends died a few years ago from a brain tumour. She was well and happy one day and a couple of months later she was dead. It makes it even harder to deal with in a way.
You are so strong. From your posts, you really seem to be gaining strength from all your troubles instead of letting them overwhelm you. I am so impressed. You are such a strong woman. Hold on to the thought that you are strong and you will get through all this.
I think your list of "to-do's" is really impressive! You're really going to get your life sorted.
Thinking of Bali is sure to help you concentrate on stabilising. Just think about relaxing on a beach with a happy tummy! Why not start baking some safe goodies that you and your son can make and enjoy together. I loved baking with my Mum when I was little and it'll help your IBS too. I know you want to get your sugar intake under control, but maybe if you have some Zucchini Bread to snack on, you'll stay away from the lollies and junk at least?
Good luck with the yoga! I'm trying to practise more regularly as well.
Maybe if you write down the lollies you've eaten, etc on a piece of paper stuck to the fridge it'll help more?
Good luck!
Linz
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Hi Kerrie,
Just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and we will do everything we can to help support you in your goals and life. Best wishes!
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- Jennifer
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Hang in there, girl. Sounds like you've got a good game plan. Remember to be kind to yourself. Try not to be too hard on yourself - you're going through a really rough time. I'm so sorry about your father-in-law. All I can say is I'm praying for you, and you WILL get through it all somehow. You did the right thing by coming here and letting us know what's going on. We're here to support you, as you supported me through my rough times.
Love and hugs, Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thank you everyone. Bev, I printed out the guidleines you posted for me. They are wonderful and I feel I can relate them to my miscarriage as well. I also want to show them to my husband because it will be really helpful for him too.
I am going to try the piggy bank idea both for the lollies and the spending -it's a good one. I'll let you know how I go. I'll also try the lolly note on the fridge.
Now for today,
I'm happy to say that I did go to Yoga last night and enjoyed it very much. I also walked my dogs this morning. I found it hard to motivate myself for that but the dogs were definitely grateful.
I went to the shops to get a travel money belt for $20 but I also bought a backpack for $30, memory card for the camera for $120 (though we will need it in Bali so I don't feel too bad about that), an oil burner, some incense and candles for about $40 (I didn't really need those).
So even if I don't count the memory card I wasted $70 today. I will set up a piggy bank and try fining myself half of what I waste.
Any other ideas for this spending problem? It is out of hand.
I did fairly well with the lollies as I didn't touch a single one up to lunch time. I deliberately didn't buy any but after lunch I was scrounging around in the pantry and pinching one of my son's lollipops, followed by another and then two iceblocks. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Kerrie I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there and know you have lots of prayers and support on the board.
It is good to know your father-n-law had alot of caring people show up at his funeral.
Your spending problem is your way of dealing with stress (and you have your share of it). Good friends of ours like to spend too much money. They went down to one credit and got rid of the ATM card. They put their credit card in glass of water and put it in the freezer. When they wanted to buy anything they took the glass out and by the time the water unthawed it gave them time to think about if they really needed to use the card.
Good for you for getting back to Yoga and taking the dogs for a walk. Those are great stress reliefs.
Hang in there Kerrie and know you are in my prayers and thoughts.
Barb
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my prayers are with you and your family
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if God brought you to it. He will bring you through it.
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Kerrie
#53266 - 03/23/04 08:24 AM
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StephS
Reged: 09/11/03
Posts: 2123
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How about only taking just the amount of money you need with you go shopping. Like if your going to the store right down everything you need then estimate how much money it will cost to buy it all. Then only take that amount with you. I guess you would have to take cash! But that might work! I know that helps me. I don't want to look dumb at the cash register when I don't have enough money!!! That helps me to buy only the thing I need and came for!!!
As for the sweets ( lolliepops) just take it slow! Sugar is a hard thing to get over! Just put some in a jar and say this is all I can have today...when there gone there gone!!! Each day put a few less in the jar! Pretty soon you will have better self control over it!!!
Great job with the yoga, and walking the dogs. I bet they were happy!!!
Take care, and good luck with everything!!! Keep us posted!
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Oh how all of our thought and prayers are with you.
I can relate to the spending thing. I've resorted to a number of things, like asking myself in the store if it is a "want" or a "need"? Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Lately, I've just HAD to bring it home, even if it was a "want". Don't ask me why. (just because I proved I could?) Lately I've just let it sit, tag on and all. Then in about a week after thinking about if I really needed it I usually take it back. Just that process makes me feel good, after all I DID have it a while, and I guess that's what mattered.
As to the sugar thing...........ug.......I have a problem there so not much help. Only think I know to do is NOT have it in the house, or at work.
Let yourself grieve, and give yourself plenty of time. I lost my mom almost 2 years ago. I'm still not over it, but I schedule in times to be sad. It helps.
You reminded me I too need to get back to yoga classes. The tapes just sit here and don't get used.
Good luck........you will be fine.........it just takes time.
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Re: Steph
#53494 - 03/23/04 03:10 PM
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KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
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Thanks, I like the idea about only taking the amount of money I need. I will try that. The problem these days is that everywhere you go there is EFTPOS, Credit etc and it makes it to easy to spend money!
I will try this though, maybe take cash and leave the cards at home or something?
Thanks for your support.
I like the idea about letting myself have some lollies as going cold turkey is very difficult and then once I have one it's all downhill from there. Gradually cutting back is a good idea. I'll let you know how I go.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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I like that!
Thanks for your support.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Re: Thanks
#53502 - 03/23/04 03:24 PM
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KinOz
Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 909
Loc: Brisbane, Australia
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I have an issue with the "want" or "need" thing too. I can usually convince myself that a want is a need!
Keeping the tags on is a good idea too. We're talking about clothes here right? Clothes are my biggest problem. My wardrobe is bulging at the seams and so is my son's. He is one well dressed 3 year old!
I have already taken your advice in relation to a beautiful leather jacket I have just bought. It is hanging in the cupboard tags attached. It is beautiful, but I know I don't really need it. I have other jackets and the money I spent on it would buy a weeks groceries. So I'll let it sit and see how I go.
I'll let you know.. thanks for the idea.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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