Help Please!
#52075 - 03/18/04 10:46 PM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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Ok, here's my call out for support from everyone here.
I'm so upset because my boyfriend just dropped a bomb on me that he's sick of me being sick and the fact that we never get to go out and do things and that we're not very physical.
I'm totally crushed. Obviously, I'm sick of being sick, and I feel terribly that it impacts our relationship, but I'm trying to get better and it's not my fault that I'm not getting better faster! I was always worried that it bothered him, and he was always telling me that it was ok, and now he comes out of nowhere and says he doesn't know if he can live like this...what am I supposed to do? I've been with him almost 6 years and I thought we were going to end up together.
It's not fair, because I know I won't feel like this forever, but at the same time, I can understand he's young and wants to be out having fun and I guess I"m hindering that.
I'm so depressed right now, as if it's not bad enough we have to feel like crap, we're supposed to feel bad about how our crappiness effects others? Great.
Any advice or support would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Kelly
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Oh you poor thing! It's been a bit thing in my relationship as well - I developed IBS after I met my fiance.
Not sure what to suggest - don't think there's a magic answer. Getting over the anxiety issues so that you can go out some places will help. Most restaurants would be happy to help with no dairy, etc, so that's cool. I pretty much never go out to bars and clubs anymore, but that's not just the IBS. Instead, we go to the cinema (and get an aisle seat so I can get out to the loo!  ), go to dinner, go to pubs for lunch. We do sporty-stuff together like sailing, working on my parents yacht, walking the dog...
Maybe having a talk and saying you'll make a big effort and so could he give you some slack, or something, might help. And remember to be VERY good in following the diet and Heather's suggestions, taking your supplements and taking your meds. That way he'll see you're doing the best you can to help yourself.
Also, getting him to go out with his friends occasionally helps! He can get drunk - you can relax in the bath!
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Oy, Kelly, that stinks. I'm sure that weighs on a lot of us, that fear that others are weary of our illness. But as you said, do they think WE'RE not tired of it? Sure, sure, we enjoy limiting our diet and running to the bathroom in tears and feeling crappy and tired. What, that's a problem for you!?
Oy. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't, really, except to say be true to yourself. I'm sure you love him and he loves you, but something that's even more important than that is doing what YOU need to do to make your life better and happy. That's what I always try to remember. I don't feel it's selfish- I feel that I'm not giving the best of me to the people I care about if I'm not happy and healthy. So people that can't live with your decisions, situations.... they have to adjust or not. That's their call.
Good luck, Kelly. Let us know how we can help...
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Kelly,
I am sorry to hear about this "mountain" that is put in front of you. I believe each spouse or partner who truly loves u should give you unconditional support. I know my Joshua does so I shall pray for you kelly. Don;t give up I know it is tough cause support is crucial. Remebmer it is not the size of the mountain that matters it is the strength of the mountain mover.
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if God brought you to it. He will bring you through it.
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Hey Kelly,
Wow that is a tough one. I can't give you any recommendations about what to do relationship wise. But one thing to be sure to tell him is that his support and understanding makes a hugh difference to you and that if you feel pressured and stressed all the time to feel well when you're around him, it'll just make things worse. Make sure that that's something he understands cause if he thinks you just need more motivation and suddenly you'll feel better, you'll both feel bad.
Good Luck,
Jamie
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Wow... what a horrible position to be in. Look, no matter how that makes it seem, there's nothing you can do about your IBS. I can't imagine any of us would choose to deal with this if we didn't have to. Have you shown him this?
Was he maybe just having a bad day and venting?
Could you send him over here to read people's posts?
Other than that, I can only say I'm sorry.
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Gosh, I'm sorry to hear that. I often wondered if I wasn't married, would a boyfriend want to deal with this because I know there are times my husband says it's such a restrictive lifestyle and he is a very social person. I guess it just depends on the guy. Some are more understanding and some aren't. Maybe he was having a bad week or something (you know, guy PMS'ing) and will appolgize. Some guys I know will stick by you no matter what. My heart is with you.
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Whoa!
#52368 - 03/19/04 12:27 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Hi Kelly,
My husband can help you out here. After I read your post, I turned to him and asked him how he felt about ME and MY IBS -- then I read him your post.
Hubby and I have been married 37 years. It's only been the past 4-5 years that my IBS has been hard on both of us. His reaction to your post is this:
He said, first of all, he has a commitment to me -- he made a commitment 37 years ago -- and he will always stick by it. I asked him how he would feel if he wasn't married to me, if we had lived together 6 years, would he still feel that way? He replied that he loved me before we were married, and believes he would definitely have stuck by me regardless of whether we were married or not. He said he understands how your boyfriend feels -- after all, you're both young, and young people like to get out and go places and do things -- BUT the bottom line is how much he cares for you. If he does care, Kelly, he'll get over this and accept your disability. If he doesn't, you don't want anything to do with him. As my hubby said, YOU NEED SUPPORT! That's from my hubby, not me, although I totally agree with him.
Hope this is some help to you.
Your friend,
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I think it is just that he was having a bad day, and I've been like this for a long time, but the last few months I've been worse, so it's taking it's toll on both of us. Things are better today, I know he wants to be with me, but still he's only 22 so it's pretty rotten for him not to get to do much stuff because of me so I do understand where he's coming from. Hopefully I'll be on my way to feeling better soon and then it won't be an issue!
Thanks again everyone, you guys are great!
Kelly
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Thanks for the insight from your hubby Bev, I appreciate that. I truly think things will be ok, because we are definately committed, it's just really hard to cope sometimes. You are right though, I do need support, because my feeling guilty about everything just increases my stress which increases my gut trouble. I explained this to him last night, and hopefully things will get better. Thank you for your insight though, I really appreciate it.
Cheers!
Kelly
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