The boy I tutor...any advice...urgent!
#34854 - 01/02/04 06:50 AM
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I tutor a boy in high school, 9th grade, 14 yrs. He was adopted, brought up in a moderately religious family, and has ADHD. He keeps getting suspended. I told the mother he does it for attention. I told her that when he works with me she should read the papers and oogle and ahhh over them. I told her when he gets negative attention, it's attention, and that equals love to a child. She says he's a hard kid, and he drives her nuts...and other neg. things. I said if she's believes he's "messed up" he's gonna continue to be.
I'm 25 years old. I'm so young! I wanna make sure I'm doing the right thing with this boy......I care VERY MUCH what happens I don't want him to keep getting into trouble...and I don't want his mother thinking he's messed up! He's a GREAT kid...just confused and alone in his world!
If you disagree with what I said, PLEASE tell me! I believe this boy needs LOTS of positive attention.....I think that's the key!
Thanks in advance for all your help!
Love,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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If he was 9 - that might work -- but at 14? I'm not so sure. It depends. So many things might be going on -- there might be abuse -- there might have been before he was adopted.... there could be troubles between him and his friends - drugs, troubles between the parents - any number of things that are causing him to act out. Finding out which one is the key to stopping it. They have to care enough to want to know. (if they don't already)
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Ruchie my 7 year old, Alex, is ADHD and I think he is an awesome kid. There are days when I want to send him away, because he can be a handful, but having ADHD he can be impulsive.
Meaning he isn't always aware his behavior is affecting us -at least not immediatley. It takes me sitting down with Alex and gently telling him what he did was wrong. I'll ask him what would be a better way of handling the situation.
Now I can look at Alex and remind him what he is suppose to do before he reacts. He says, "Stop, think, before I react".  It is a small reminder for him to stop and think about his behavior.
I'm also looking into starting a reward behavior chart. It is good for kids to know when they are behaving well, so yes, I believe you are right about this boy wanting negative attention. He has learned through a negative mom only way he can attention is through bad behavior.
Even though you are only 25 you know more about positive feedback than this boy's own mom. Good luck in helping this boy feel good about himself.
Barb
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Ruchie, for only 25 years you are VERY wise! This advice mimics the advice Dr. Phil gave just recently on one of his shows about parenting. You might check his website for that show -- parents were unwittingly providing praise for negative behavior and the children saw that as love so they repeated their "wrong" behavior.
Your advice was excellent.
Bev
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Kids with ADHD cannot control impulses and respond to stimuli differently than kids without it. So if you are in a classroom you hear the teacher, but the ADHD kid may hear the teacher, the lawn mower, the fish tank, another kid tapping his pencil, etc. He is not able to filter things out like you can. He also cannot control behaviors that you and I know are socially inappropriate. Getting constant negative feedback is hard on anyone's self esteem, and adds to him feeling different from other kids which he already realizes. Meds for these kids can make a world of difference, so consulting a child psychiatrist would be appropriate.
Joan
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Hi Ruchie,
Everyone so far has offered some helpful thoughts! I work with highschoolers everyday as a school psychologist, a number of whom have a diagnosis of ADHD. What you told the mother sounds like it came from your observations of how she interacts with him and from the things she says to you about him. So my guess is you are really on to something in their interaction pattern. But, if this boy really does have ADHD and what he is doing in school is related to it , the school should be doing something to help him. He may be too impulsive to make better choices without some system in place to help him with that. In fact, it is illegal for a school system to suspend a student for more than 10 total school days in a year if his poor behavior is related to his disability. Something else I wonder is whether ADHD is an accurate diagnosis. Many children are given that as an initial diagnosis and then more complicated mental health concerns become apparent in adolescence (such as, BUT NOT ALWAYS NOR ONLY, bipolar disorder). This is often true in families with histories of more serious mental health problems. If this boy has not been evaluated by his school system to see if he is eligible for special ed services, you might want to encourage the mother to have this done. While he might grow out of the immature aspects of ADHD, he is at risk for never graduating if he doesn't get more control of himself soon. There are all sorts of self-esteem as well as future employment issues at risk here, too. He may need medicine to help him with this as well as special services in school. Perhaps this is more than you wanted to hear, but I hope some of it is helpful. I imagine you are an absolute gift to him! I can just hear how positive you are with him, which he loves, I'm sure. But also, kids with attentional problems thrive on one-to-one assistance. I am glad you are there for him and I bet his mother and he are too!! Happy New Year!
Andie
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I just wanted to say that I think I just totally missed the boat on this one. I don't know why I did it.... I totally skipped over the ADHD ... and was so negative.... I think it might have had something to do with my own past (I have a younger brother who rebelled... and maybe because I had just watched a Law & Order episode...) I don't know.... Please forgive me for being such a ditz.
The others are right -- positive reinforcement -- counseling (perhaps including the parents?) and maybe medication - can all make huge differences in his life. You are doing a GREAT job!
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So more info...
The boy does NOT do drugs!
He isn't a bad kid...doesn't drink, etc.
He got a raw deal. Adopted by parents who had two natural kids after him. ADHD and I think he has OCD among LD's (his only official diagnosis is ADHD...his mom said he was tested but didn't show any LD's. I was also tested for LD's in elementary and they didn't find anyhting...my senior year of high school we found out I have LD's and ADD). He's smart so everyone thinks he's lazy....NOT EVEN CLOSE! The kid sat with me for TWO HOURS Tues. night working on his paper!
What can I say? The kid NEEDS ATTENTION! He knows he can get it by acting out. Why should he stop?
I wish I could do more for him...I'm REALLY worried for him!
Thanks for all your WONDERFUL advice and encouragement...
Love,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Wow......thanks Andie!!!!!!!!!
Please read my post "more info" and let me know you have more to add...
How can I talk to his mother/school? It's a private school (they're wanting to kick him out if things contine!)  Thank you so much........
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ruchie, unfortunately I don't have much more advice than you already have.
Just wanted to say that I think it's wonderful you care so much about this boy's wellbeing and future.
Good for you!
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It really sounds like he could use counseling. Someone, even you if you feel you have a good relationship with him, needs to point out to him how successful he is at getting attention through these negative ways and help him figure out what other "talents" he has and how he might use those to get attention instead. Some kids are willing to do a "social experiment" in which they try to change someone else's behavior (parent, teacher) by doing something (just one thing) different themselves. This can be complimenting someone, doing homework every day for a week in just one subject (going for more is not likely to be successful - too much change too soon!), making a bed, putting dishes in the dishwasher without being asked, etc. Hopefully, the person who needs to attend to these things in a positive way does so (a clue to them is not inappropriate!!) and it can be a small start to a new way of behaving. As for how to talk with his mother, that depends alot on how concerned she is. She may either appreciate your input or not want to hear anything that sounds like a challenge to her way of doing things. You could just try sharing with her your positive observations of his work with you so she can hear someone say good things about her son (it sounds like the school has a lot of negative things to say!). This is definitely tricky and you'll have to use your good people skills to figure out how much and what to say to her. Good luck - again, he is so lucky to have you in his corner!
Andie
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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We have four children an adoped our grandaughter who was only 1 lb an 10 oz.she is now 29 an is beautiful in every way.we lost one of our son to cancer at 38.that young 14 is hurting an trying to get attention.you have to give them lots of love.but you are young also so please be careful.
you can only do so much.Gerry10. 
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Neta G.Yale
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Ruchie, dearest, give yourself a pat on the back. What you are doing for this kid is amazing. You are probably right - positive reinforcement does wonders. A few more thoughts though. Remember, a kid with ADHD means that they have the inability to focus on one thing because they're focussing on everything. So, they are more likely to succeed in a quiet one on one atmosphere. A classroom is chaos to them. Pencils snapping, papers rattling, the noises of the furnace, the fan, etc...... is overwhelming. So you're right - it's not that he can't focus - he's just focussing on too many things at once.
About the OCD - I have this so if you have any quedstions let me know. If he's getting suspended for some things - it's possibly because he can't stop the behaviours.
As for getting suspended -what typical behaviours are you seeing???
As for his intelligence - chances are he's bright - most kids with ADHD are. Test scores have nothing to do with their IQ. He may have gaps in his learning - missed some of the basics because he just couldn't learn them in that environemnt. This may be affecting his test scores now. Trace back and make sure he's got the basics. How's that for rambling.??? LOL
Hugs to you,
Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Hi Ruchie... this is the first time I have replied to any of your posts, but I have been reading them a lot. You seem to be really intelligent and what you said about the positive reinforcement is right on... not only with kids with attention problems but any kids... ! I read all the ideas and they were good, but I didn't notice anyone asking if he was dyslexic or not. I have read that many people with AD problems are and this just causes more problems... but like someone said he probably had a hidden talent that is away and above his peers (but he might not even know what it is yet) Can he draw? I had a great friend who was dyslexic but was THE BEST WELDER I or anyone around here had ever seen.. he could just see things differently --- but did have a lot of trouble in school "fitting in". Does he like to work with his hands... wood working or fixing bicycles or something like that? Try to find out something he is really interested in... and check on the dyslexia ..
ann
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What a great idea Ann! I have a nephew whom in grade school ws diganosed with ADD. Later on in years they realized he was dyslexic.About the age of 12 his Dad let him help with lawnmowers,snowmachines etc;taking them apart,putting them together,fixing them he did. Now in High School he is in a program that teaches them HANDS ON. They work with their hands not with books. He is doing really well and he is not ADD nor is he "acting out"like he use too from frustration!! Too Ruchie you do have patients and love and caring for a person as young as you are. Keep up the super job!! Sue
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Ann,
Wow, thanks...I really appreciate you responding!
He's GREAT at art...
And, he obsesses. My hubby thinks he may have autism. I have mentioned getting him re-tested several times to his mother...but she's not interested. It's a shame! There's more than ADHD there....
I pray for this boy and give money to charity for him every day! I've also been speaking to all my friends in education (I have lots!) One suggested that he volunteer. I thought that was GREAT! His mother said that he volunteered earlier in the year and enjoyed it. But I could tell (I know his mother pretty well by now), that she doesn't plan to act on it. She won't try to get him to volunteer.
He was adopted, he has LD's, and he feels COMPLETELY alone in the world! If he could volunteer he would see there are people worse off than him....he would also see he can make a diff. in the world! Any suggestions on how to convince his mom on this?
Thanks SO MUCH for caring...I'll def. keep you posted!
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Why don't you volunteer somewhere and invite (and ask permission) him to come along with you? Do this a couple times and perhaps he will be asking his mom to go on days you can't go.
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- Jennifer
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THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU--what a FABULOUS idea Jen!!!!!!! I will see about doing this in 3 weeks (I'm going away next week and this Sun. will be too soon)...I'll let you know how this goes.
I can't thank you enough for this wonderful idea and for caring!
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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