BF's mom is dying
#346901 - 06/05/09 08:33 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Sad, confusing, gothic and stressful.
My boyfriend has been estranged from his mom for 13+ years. He got an email from his sister, who secretly keeps in touch with BF through his dad. The email said his mom was in the late stages of ovarian cancer. He broke down unexpectedly at work, his boss came in, and sent him home. 
This is awful stress. He tells me he wants some sort of closure, but his mother was an alcoholic and violent abuser. I say, no closure, let her die, but he is curious and wants to know more about her actual situation. She manipulated her family and kept them apart through her absolute control and her own brand of mental illness. She is a sociopath, and sabotaged her son's life at every turn. I only witnessed a bit of it, but what I saw was horrifying. What I heard from everyone else was worse.
BF left when was 20 and never looked back. In fact he went directly from her to me, so she doesn't have any love lost for yours truly either.
I have never met a more despicable person in my life. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a ruse to shake the family tree. BF's sister has to put medical school in Singapore on hold to fly back to assess her situation so she can tell the rest of the family. BF's dad is in Afghanistan. We are local. And that's everybody. So time will tell what will happen and how involved we'll be.
My personal father is dying at the moment too. I've been estranged from him for 26 years since he abandoned our family. So there's a lot of stress flying around, and a lot of tears and hugs at our place lately. 
Just wanted to talk about it. BF and I are very inward-facing people when it comes to stress and our families. We just rely on each other, just ourselves, for help and comfort.
But we've been getting 3 hours of sleep a night lately. I've got hives from anxiety on my chest and all over my back for the last 2 days, since a traumatic 2-hour dental appointment broke my camel's back. Money is tight to the cent. And if BF has to plan a funeral, he's going to break.
Unbelievably, my tummy's doing OK! BF's is out though. Maybe it's jumped from me to him?? It'll jump back, I know. Thanks for listening. Insight, hugs or witty diversions solicited and appreciated!
~nelly~
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Hugs to you Nelly! and more hugs!
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Nelly, Your post made me so sad for what you're going through! I don't know if I should attempt any advice at all, but I'll just tell you my first reaction and hopefully that's okay. Unfortunately I don't think its always possible to get some kind of "closure" whatever that means when people die. I know its not the same but I lost a grandparent without resolving issues that kept us from speaking for 20 years. In the end I tried a bit and confirmed that he was someone I could not find any way to be close to. I hope you don't discourage your bf from trying though - maybe he should try if only so that his regrets will be for his mom's failings and not for his own missed opportunities? I think you could definitely let him know that you're worried for him to get hurt by the attempt without telling him not to do it. Or if you already told him that he shouldn't, (which I completely understand your reaction btw) I would consider easing up and tell him you're concerned for him while giving him room to figure out if he really wants to reconnect to someone who was so toxic in his life. Hope you get some sleep tonight...
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Thanks Hawkeye. For the clarity and the hugs! 
I gave him the 3 alternative scenario-- he goes and his mom calls him worthless one more time before she dies, #2: she is happy to see him and apologizes, and #3 it's a scam and she lingers, demanding he take care of her.
I'm simplifying, of course, we've role played all outcomes, I think. I hope. I just want him to not be blindsided and made to feel stupid (she's good at that).
Bottom line: he has a choice to make, and I am behind him and will support him, pick up the pieces and we'll get over this no matter what it is and how long it takes. I'm taking my cues from him, offering advice where I can, but being his quiet, loveable, strong pillar of strength.
Arg. I'll just end up crying when he cries and comparing everything in my head to mine and my father's situation. But we have each other. We'll just keep it simple and do one thing at a time.
Sleeping will help. Sleeeeep. Any... second... now...!
Hey! Fellow East coaster! No sleep for you? And thanks for the prompt reply... 
~nelly~
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{{{HUGS BACK!}}}
~nelly~ 
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Well nice of you to say I did something good, but sounds like you already are 10 steps ahead of me. As for me, yes, I should sleep - my daughter will be waking me up in 6 hours.
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Quote:
I lost a grandparent without resolving issues that kept us from speaking for 20 years. In the end I tried a bit and confirmed that he was someone I could not find any way to be close to.
This made me profoundly think about my own father's end. It will be the same scenario if I go for it.
Right now I hold the cards. The hand I've played in the past was always to go for it. I would always feel taken like a chump afterward. If I hold out, no doubt I'd mourn, but I don't think I'd feel like something had been ripped away from my heart. I'd hate him to have one last victory because I let my guard down.
I think I've made my own decision. I'm here for BF now. Maybe I can learn about my decision from his victory/mistake. Now, who is going to die first? Sorry, I must sound unkind. I'm bracing myself for "any day now" scenarios.
Thanks again for your on pointe advice, as always!
~nelly~
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Nelly, first I want to say that I'm sorry to read both you and the BF are going through this stressful stuff. I had a good relationship with both my parents so I don't have a common frame of reference from which I can speak, but I'll add my 2¢ and speak the truths as I see them.
Going to see someone who is dying can be very therapeudic - it's usually a sad time but for those in your shoes now it can also make you fess up to real feelings as they can only arise at a time of intense actions. You and the BF may decide you don't want any "closure" but I'd bet you'd never regret going to see these people in their final days. For me, one of the worst things in life is worrying about not having done something when I had the chance and then regretting not having done it for the rest of my life.
Whatever you two decide, I hope you both find some sort of peace of mind.
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Saul (IBS - D)
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Thank you so much, Runs No Fun-- I could really use some peace of mind right now.
Best,
~nelly~
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Nelly,
I am so sorry for everything you and your BF are going through right now. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. Unfortunately, I think this is going to be painful, death always is. Even if you are not close to someone you mourn because the chance to ever make things better is gone. I think deep inside we hold out hope (sometimes without realizing it) that we might be able to work things out especially with a parent.
I think you are doing the right thing by just being there for BF and letting him make his own decision. You both have talked about the different scenarios and it really is up to him now to figure out how he wants this to end. It just breaks my heart for him that he was treated so badly by his mother. A mother is supposed to nurture and take care of her children. I know that doesn't always happen though.
Closure is a good thing to have but sometimes it is not possible to do that in person. You can have closure without actually seeing your father or your BF seeing his mother.
I think it is wonderful that the two of you have each other and that you can lean on each other at this difficult time.
I am sending you lots of hugs Nelly.
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Janey
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closure
#346936 - 06/06/09 02:02 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thank you for that insightful post, Janey! You always seem to have just the right thing to say!
I'd never really thought about having closure without actually seeing the person. I'd always heard people say, "If I could have seen them one more time" and thought it would apply to me, but you're right, Janey, that's not the only kind of closure. I had to read it coming from you to grasp that. I'm going to work on thinking of ways we can get "alternate" closure. This is why thousands of cultures have their own rituals surrounding death. I'm sure we can come up with something that suits our individual situations.
I'm going to put my brain to the grindstone. Or something like that.
~nelly~
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Re: Hugs
#346942 - 06/06/09 03:44 PM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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Hugs from me too!! You and the BF certainly have your plates full at the moment!! My heart goes out to both of you. Too much stress for our Nelly.
I'm estranged from my dad, so I kinda understand your BFs position. Go? Stay? Try or don't try to communicate. I've had many sleepless nights running those questions through my head and I'm sure he is doing the same. Whatever he decides I'm glad he has you there to support him. I don't know which of your options I would choose if I was faced with the same decision today. That is a very tough call.
I'm sending lots of hugs to both of you and non-itchy thoughts for your hives!!
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Nelly,
Before I began my writing career, I worked as an administrative assistant to the head psychologist at a mental health clinic. The office manager was a woman who had not spoken to her mom since she left home at 16. So, it had been about 20 years. Her mom was an alcoholic and child abuser. She did not even call her mom by "Mom", she called her Grace. One day, we were all at a luncheon, and the subject came up. Of course, big mouth here had to throw in her 2 cents. I told her to make amends and bury the hatchet. After all, the woman was her mom. I told her if her mom had known better, that she would have done better. The girl, Barb, just stared at me.
Finally, the head psychologist looked at me and said something I never forgot, and left me pretty much with my mouth hanging open. You see, I expected that he would totally agree with me. He looked at me and calmly said, "Lynn, sometimes things are just not fixable." I grew up in a wonderful family, so this sure burst my bubble, but I always remembered it for some reason.
So, I guess your BF will have to decide for himself how to handle this and how to live with the decision he makes. I learned that day, from that psychologist, that life does not always have a happy ending.
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Re: closure
#346950 - 06/06/09 07:49 PM
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Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
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I'm glad that I was able to offer a little bit of help during this difficult time for you Nelly. Please remember that whatever you and your BF decide to do make sure it is the best thing for you. Don't do something just because it seems like the "right" thing to do. The only right thing is what is best for you both.
It is your nose to the grindstone but your brain will work too. I hope you find your answers.
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Janey
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((hugs)) I sorry to hear about all the trama that you 2 are going through. I lost my parents when I was 10/11 yrs old. Within 9 months; mom 7/76; dad 12/76; and step dad 3/77 so i know how hard and tough things can be. I had wonderful parents so for me I would take any opportunity to see them in their last few days. Then i would not have to wonder what if for the rest of my life. But the decision is up to you 2 and I hope that whatever that is it will be the best for you both.
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IBS-D, GAD (general anxiety disorder), Major Recurrent Depression, GERD (gastric reflux disease), Hiatal Hernia, PTSD
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Re: For Nelly
#347164 - 06/13/09 09:29 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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"Lynn, sometimes things are just not fixable."
Damn. OK that made my jaw hit the floor. Thank you.
Was it because I was raised on sitcoms that I thought everybody got better in neat 1/2 hour packaged boxes? That's not how it works in real life. Mr. Brady died of AIDS and sometimes things cannot be fixed.
This has spun me, but you are absolutely right.
~nelly~ (...)
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Yep, Nelly, I was raised on those same sitcoms. And, My Mr Brady did not let anyone in through the back door...PLEEEEEAAAAAZZZZEEEE say it ain't so. He was my TV DAD!!
So the shrink, that day, burst my bubble. How can you not love your mother? Jeez, what a lesson for me. I thought everything could be fixed...guess I was livin in those 1/2 hr sitcoms. No wonder all the kids from those shows are drug addicts or dead. Nothing could be so perfect.
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Mr. Brady
#347178 - 06/14/09 05:12 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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TV people believe their own hype and thusly get scr^wed as teenagers. I'm practicing being hypeless now! From hopeless to hypeless! That's me!
Deep thanks for the perspective. I'm going to try to translate it for BF. When he's ready and brings this up again, I'm going to give him this angle.
And poor Mr. Brady. I wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes.
~nelly~
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You're welcome and you're funny! You've missed your calling.
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Re: Mr. Brady
#347195 - 06/15/09 11:09 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Tee heee. Thank you! 
~nelly~
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Re: Hugs Nelly
#347203 - 06/15/09 01:57 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Wow, what a crappy situation. Sending some good energy your way!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Wow. SO SO sorry for what you're going through Nelly. I wish I had words of wisdom, but it sounds like everyone here has that covered. Just wanted to send you hugs and let you know I'm thinking about you! I'll be anxious to hear what you and BF decide to do about your respective situations.
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Lisa, IBS-C (Vegan)
Stable since July 2007!
Mommy to Rhiannon Marie (Dec. 13, 2008)
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