closure
#346936 - 06/06/09 02:02 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Thank you for that insightful post, Janey! You always seem to have just the right thing to say! 
I'd never really thought about having closure without actually seeing the person. I'd always heard people say, "If I could have seen them one more time" and thought it would apply to me, but you're right, Janey, that's not the only kind of closure. I had to read it coming from you to grasp that. I'm going to work on thinking of ways we can get "alternate" closure. This is why thousands of cultures have their own rituals surrounding death. I'm sure we can come up with something that suits our individual situations.
I'm going to put my brain to the grindstone. Or something like that.
~nelly~
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Re: Hugs
#346942 - 06/06/09 03:44 PM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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Hugs from me too!! You and the BF certainly have your plates full at the moment!! My heart goes out to both of you. Too much stress for our Nelly.
I'm estranged from my dad, so I kinda understand your BFs position. Go? Stay? Try or don't try to communicate. I've had many sleepless nights running those questions through my head and I'm sure he is doing the same. Whatever he decides I'm glad he has you there to support him. I don't know which of your options I would choose if I was faced with the same decision today. That is a very tough call.
I'm sending lots of hugs to both of you and non-itchy thoughts for your hives!!
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Nelly,
Before I began my writing career, I worked as an administrative assistant to the head psychologist at a mental health clinic. The office manager was a woman who had not spoken to her mom since she left home at 16. So, it had been about 20 years. Her mom was an alcoholic and child abuser. She did not even call her mom by "Mom", she called her Grace. One day, we were all at a luncheon, and the subject came up. Of course, big mouth here had to throw in her 2 cents. I told her to make amends and bury the hatchet. After all, the woman was her mom. I told her if her mom had known better, that she would have done better. The girl, Barb, just stared at me.
Finally, the head psychologist looked at me and said something I never forgot, and left me pretty much with my mouth hanging open. You see, I expected that he would totally agree with me. He looked at me and calmly said, "Lynn, sometimes things are just not fixable." I grew up in a wonderful family, so this sure burst my bubble, but I always remembered it for some reason.
So, I guess your BF will have to decide for himself how to handle this and how to live with the decision he makes. I learned that day, from that psychologist, that life does not always have a happy ending.
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Re: closure
#346950 - 06/06/09 07:49 PM
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Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
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I'm glad that I was able to offer a little bit of help during this difficult time for you Nelly. Please remember that whatever you and your BF decide to do make sure it is the best thing for you. Don't do something just because it seems like the "right" thing to do. The only right thing is what is best for you both.
It is your nose to the grindstone but your brain will work too. I hope you find your answers.
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Janey
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((hugs)) I sorry to hear about all the trama that you 2 are going through. I lost my parents when I was 10/11 yrs old. Within 9 months; mom 7/76; dad 12/76; and step dad 3/77 so i know how hard and tough things can be. I had wonderful parents so for me I would take any opportunity to see them in their last few days. Then i would not have to wonder what if for the rest of my life. But the decision is up to you 2 and I hope that whatever that is it will be the best for you both.
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IBS-D, GAD (general anxiety disorder), Major Recurrent Depression, GERD (gastric reflux disease), Hiatal Hernia, PTSD
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Re: For Nelly
#347164 - 06/13/09 09:29 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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"Lynn, sometimes things are just not fixable."
Damn. OK that made my jaw hit the floor. Thank you.
Was it because I was raised on sitcoms that I thought everybody got better in neat 1/2 hour packaged boxes? That's not how it works in real life. Mr. Brady died of AIDS and sometimes things cannot be fixed.
This has spun me, but you are absolutely right.
~nelly~ (...)
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Yep, Nelly, I was raised on those same sitcoms. And, My Mr Brady did not let anyone in through the back door...PLEEEEEAAAAAZZZZEEEE say it ain't so. He was my TV DAD!!
So the shrink, that day, burst my bubble. How can you not love your mother? Jeez, what a lesson for me. I thought everything could be fixed...guess I was livin in those 1/2 hr sitcoms. No wonder all the kids from those shows are drug addicts or dead. Nothing could be so perfect. 
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Mr. Brady
#347178 - 06/14/09 05:12 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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TV people believe their own hype and thusly get scr^wed as teenagers. I'm practicing being hypeless now! From hopeless to hypeless! That's me! 
Deep thanks for the perspective. I'm going to try to translate it for BF. When he's ready and brings this up again, I'm going to give him this angle. 
And poor Mr. Brady. I wouldn't have wanted to be in his shoes.
~nelly~
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You're welcome and you're funny! You've missed your calling.
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Re: Mr. Brady
#347195 - 06/15/09 11:09 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Tee heee. Thank you! 
~nelly~
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