BF's mom is dying
#346901 - 06/05/09 08:33 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Sad, confusing, gothic and stressful.
My boyfriend has been estranged from his mom for 13+ years. He got an email from his sister, who secretly keeps in touch with BF through his dad. The email said his mom was in the late stages of ovarian cancer. He broke down unexpectedly at work, his boss came in, and sent him home. 
This is awful stress. He tells me he wants some sort of closure, but his mother was an alcoholic and violent abuser. I say, no closure, let her die, but he is curious and wants to know more about her actual situation. She manipulated her family and kept them apart through her absolute control and her own brand of mental illness. She is a sociopath, and sabotaged her son's life at every turn. I only witnessed a bit of it, but what I saw was horrifying. What I heard from everyone else was worse.
BF left when was 20 and never looked back. In fact he went directly from her to me, so she doesn't have any love lost for yours truly either.
I have never met a more despicable person in my life. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a ruse to shake the family tree. BF's sister has to put medical school in Singapore on hold to fly back to assess her situation so she can tell the rest of the family. BF's dad is in Afghanistan. We are local. And that's everybody. So time will tell what will happen and how involved we'll be.
My personal father is dying at the moment too. I've been estranged from him for 26 years since he abandoned our family. So there's a lot of stress flying around, and a lot of tears and hugs at our place lately. 
Just wanted to talk about it. BF and I are very inward-facing people when it comes to stress and our families. We just rely on each other, just ourselves, for help and comfort.
But we've been getting 3 hours of sleep a night lately. I've got hives from anxiety on my chest and all over my back for the last 2 days, since a traumatic 2-hour dental appointment broke my camel's back. Money is tight to the cent. And if BF has to plan a funeral, he's going to break.
Unbelievably, my tummy's doing OK! BF's is out though. Maybe it's jumped from me to him?? It'll jump back, I know. Thanks for listening. Insight, hugs or witty diversions solicited and appreciated!
~nelly~
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Hugs to you Nelly! and more hugs!
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Nelly, Your post made me so sad for what you're going through! I don't know if I should attempt any advice at all, but I'll just tell you my first reaction and hopefully that's okay. Unfortunately I don't think its always possible to get some kind of "closure" whatever that means when people die. I know its not the same but I lost a grandparent without resolving issues that kept us from speaking for 20 years. In the end I tried a bit and confirmed that he was someone I could not find any way to be close to. I hope you don't discourage your bf from trying though - maybe he should try if only so that his regrets will be for his mom's failings and not for his own missed opportunities? I think you could definitely let him know that you're worried for him to get hurt by the attempt without telling him not to do it. Or if you already told him that he shouldn't, (which I completely understand your reaction btw) I would consider easing up and tell him you're concerned for him while giving him room to figure out if he really wants to reconnect to someone who was so toxic in his life. Hope you get some sleep tonight...
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Thanks Hawkeye. For the clarity and the hugs! 
I gave him the 3 alternative scenario-- he goes and his mom calls him worthless one more time before she dies, #2: she is happy to see him and apologizes, and #3 it's a scam and she lingers, demanding he take care of her.
I'm simplifying, of course, we've role played all outcomes, I think. I hope. I just want him to not be blindsided and made to feel stupid (she's good at that).
Bottom line: he has a choice to make, and I am behind him and will support him, pick up the pieces and we'll get over this no matter what it is and how long it takes. I'm taking my cues from him, offering advice where I can, but being his quiet, loveable, strong pillar of strength.
Arg. I'll just end up crying when he cries and comparing everything in my head to mine and my father's situation. But we have each other. We'll just keep it simple and do one thing at a time.
Sleeping will help. Sleeeeep. Any... second... now...!
Hey! Fellow East coaster! No sleep for you? And thanks for the prompt reply... 
~nelly~
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{{{HUGS BACK!}}}
~nelly~ 
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Well nice of you to say I did something good, but sounds like you already are 10 steps ahead of me. As for me, yes, I should sleep - my daughter will be waking me up in 6 hours.
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Quote:
I lost a grandparent without resolving issues that kept us from speaking for 20 years. In the end I tried a bit and confirmed that he was someone I could not find any way to be close to.
This made me profoundly think about my own father's end. It will be the same scenario if I go for it.
Right now I hold the cards. The hand I've played in the past was always to go for it. I would always feel taken like a chump afterward. If I hold out, no doubt I'd mourn, but I don't think I'd feel like something had been ripped away from my heart. I'd hate him to have one last victory because I let my guard down.
I think I've made my own decision. I'm here for BF now. Maybe I can learn about my decision from his victory/mistake. Now, who is going to die first? Sorry, I must sound unkind. I'm bracing myself for "any day now" scenarios.
Thanks again for your on pointe advice, as always!
~nelly~
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Nelly, first I want to say that I'm sorry to read both you and the BF are going through this stressful stuff. I had a good relationship with both my parents so I don't have a common frame of reference from which I can speak, but I'll add my 2¢ and speak the truths as I see them.
Going to see someone who is dying can be very therapeudic - it's usually a sad time but for those in your shoes now it can also make you fess up to real feelings as they can only arise at a time of intense actions. You and the BF may decide you don't want any "closure" but I'd bet you'd never regret going to see these people in their final days. For me, one of the worst things in life is worrying about not having done something when I had the chance and then regretting not having done it for the rest of my life.
Whatever you two decide, I hope you both find some sort of peace of mind.
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Saul (IBS - D)
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Thank you so much, Runs No Fun-- I could really use some peace of mind right now.
Best,
~nelly~
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Nelly,
I am so sorry for everything you and your BF are going through right now. I wish I had some great words of wisdom for you. Unfortunately, I think this is going to be painful, death always is. Even if you are not close to someone you mourn because the chance to ever make things better is gone. I think deep inside we hold out hope (sometimes without realizing it) that we might be able to work things out especially with a parent.
I think you are doing the right thing by just being there for BF and letting him make his own decision. You both have talked about the different scenarios and it really is up to him now to figure out how he wants this to end. It just breaks my heart for him that he was treated so badly by his mother. A mother is supposed to nurture and take care of her children. I know that doesn't always happen though.
Closure is a good thing to have but sometimes it is not possible to do that in person. You can have closure without actually seeing your father or your BF seeing his mother.
I think it is wonderful that the two of you have each other and that you can lean on each other at this difficult time.
I am sending you lots of hugs Nelly.
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Janey
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