what should I do?
#33814 - 12/27/03 04:13 AM
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My mother...I love her...but she treats me like Im 10 and im 33she seems to criticize me all the time I dont think she realizes she does. I hate being around her for any length of time cause of that and i dont want to feel that way. I know she is proud of me... she tells me... then why does she demean me sometimes...she has a few of the problems i do but not to the extent I do...she thinks Im being hateful...I get sooooo stressed when she comes to visit. I have to do everything she wants or she gets huffy. The criticizing is what bothers me the most...I feel i cant do anything right...and she throws up in my face things ive done before, like she always gets more food than she can eat or you need to do this and you need to do that. Like what I am and do are not good enough. Im dealing with enough stress ....why cant she understand that. I can never say what I feel
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Gretchen
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Have you ever tried talking to her about it? Luckily, I've always had a pretty open relationship with my mother (she's one of my best friends  ), so I can't imagine not being able to just talk to her about it, but I know that may be different for you.
If you feel you can't tell her face to face, maybe try writing it in a letter. I know sometimes it's easier to "say" what you mean when you can think about, write it down, review, etc. It may be easier this way to get across exactly what you mean.
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I thought about that so i might just do it.I just have no idea what to say.
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Gretchen
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Mothers!
#33825 - 12/27/03 07:39 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Hi Nurturing,
I'm probably not the person to respond to this because, God knows, I had a lousy relationship with my mother. I've posted my story previously, so I won't go into it again. I've been estranged from my mother for over 30 years. I don't even know if she's still alive.
I do remember trying to make amends with her once -- she flew out west here to visit. I hadn't seen her in a very long time and I had hoped she had changed. I was so afraid I was just like her, and I didn't want to be; but I felt I should try one last time to establish some kind of relationship with her.
It was a BIG mistake. She hadn't changed ONE BIT. Almost everything was the same -- just like when I was a child -- except for one big difference. I HAD CHANGED. I no longer was willing to tolerate her, and I realized there could be no relationship between us -- EVER.
This probably doesn't help you at all. Except maybe to say that I don't think you can change her. You're going to have to work around that fact. You can try talking to her, but I know that would not have worked with my mother. I think, more than anything, you need to be true to YOURSELF. If she's doing something that annoys you, if you don't let her know then it'll just eat at you until it comes out in some other form -- like IBS, for instance! IF your mom doesn't like what you're telling her and gets huffy and leaves, well, then she gets huffy and leaves. Maybe it'll give you some peace and quiet!
Above all, when it's over and she comes back, I would not apologize to her -- if you did nothing wrong. Otherwise, she'll think she can do it all over again. I guess I'd try to establish that I was the adult now and needed to be treated accordingly. You deserve the same respect that you afford her.
Gosh, I hope I'm helping and not preaching. I hate it when that happens, don't you?!?
Good luck --
Bev.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Try starting off by telling her you want to talk about something that's important, but you're having trouble putting how you feel into words, so to please bear with you. Start off by saying you don't think she realizes she does it, but it makes you feel _______ when she ________.
Try practicing by yourself or with a good friend first.
Try thinking about how you would want to be approached if someone had a concern with you.
Hope that helps get you started. 
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Believe me, my mother is exactly the same!! Problem is, I still get to put up with it for another 3 years! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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It comes down to the art of living on [color/red]
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Did you try talking to your mum? How'd it go?. Although I love her dearly, my mum often gets like this and there is NO talking to her! Any comment, however kind, would be taken very badly as a personal insult and lead to lots of upset.
Basically, what your mum says and does isn't about you at all - it's about her - her feelings, her insecurities, her mindset, etc. If a stranger was rude or critical of you for no good reason, you might feel upset, but you'd generally assume the whole thing was about him/her - they were in a bad mood that day, had a difficult day, were generally a negative person, whatever, and you'd get over it. ie 'What's her problem?!'
With parents, it's more complicated. Your mother has (probably subconsciously) her hopes and fears, an ideal in her mind of what/who she (and you) is or wants to be; and, of course, so do you. If you're lucky, you'll grow up with a mother who has a slightly more open, positive and lighthearted mind. If not, you're mum will lean to the closed, negative and serious. Because your mum isn't a stranger (and you've grown up dealing with her), 'her' problem automatically becomes 'your' problem and you start instinctively behaving towards each other in a very familiar pattern: 'Why does she always do this?' and 'Why do I always let it get to me?' ring any bells???
We all do it with someone and often several people in our lives and it's not easy. There isn't an easy answer. But it does help me to:
1) remember that whatever anyone else ever says or does is (almost always) about them and NOT us. (That person is the centre of her universe, just as we are the centre of ours).
2) try to break the pattern. If you always react in a certain way, do something, anything, different. See what happens. You might not get the response you wanted, but you can't control that - what you can control is your own reactions and you just did that by behaving differently. Keep doing this until something changes and eventually... it will.
Phew, lecture over! I hope there is something helpful in there and not just too nutty or patronisingly idealist!
Shellsbells
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I think Im worried i will hurt her feelings and make her feel bad she has health problems but so do I...Im going to start saying no to stuff I DONT want to do when she is around and if she gets mad she will get over it!!!! 
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Gretchen
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Do what I do with my mother-in law whom I love but drives me crazy: Just don't respond to the unkind comments-without any negativity from you, she'll run out of steam (an old assertiveness trick) Plus only you can makes those comments feel that way to you__When it happens to me i keep thinking (I'm the adult, I'm the adult....) Good luck!! maryh
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Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger!
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I have to agree with the others who said to talk to her. Maybe she doesn't even realize she is doing this and it hurts you.
Sometimes our parents truly don't realize we have grown up and can make decisions on our own.
I wouldn't worry about confronting her and causing her health problems....she will be fine as long as you as nice about it. Keep you tone kind and not accusing.
I have a terrible relationship with my mother...but a wonderful one with my sister because we always confront each other when there is a problem. It's the only way to move on, I think.
Good luck, 
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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