What are some hurtful things family members have said to you regarding your health?
#324239 - 02/06/08 07:46 PM
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Nugget
Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 2167
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A little over a year ago, I had a little blood in my urine...but no pain at all. At first I thought it might be a UTI. Went to my GYN, peed in a cup, no infection...they sent me on my way and said to keep them posted on my condition for the next few days. Well, things got worse, my urine looked like cranberry juice and I was getting scared. One morning, I started crying as my husband and I got ready for work. I told him I was scared because I'd been peeing blood for a week and didn't feel good. Rather than offer comfort and suggest he take me to the emergency room. He said "You're ALWAYS sick!" Which made me even more upset. He left for work and, without him knowing, rather than go to work, I drove myself to the emergency room and had tests run. They did all kinds of tests. The CT scan showed a tiny kidney stone, and a cyst on my right ovary. A few days later when the cultures came back on my urine they put me on antibiotics for a bad infection that wouldn't show up on the GYN office visit pee test. After the infection cleared up my GYN had an ovary ultrasound ordered and found that I had a mass on my right ovary the size of a tennis ball that required a total hysterectomy. Once he got in there he found extensive endometreosis, more cysts, and everything stuck down because of the endo. So, my husband finally appologized (kind of) for saying "You're ALWAYS sick!" Although I hate to wish anything bad on anyone...sometimes I wish he knew exactly what I went through. It still makes me cry when I think of how I was treated by him that day when I was so sick.
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He sounds like a bastard to me. I am sorry, but you should demand to be treated right. If he has never apologised properly then tell him how you're feeling. You could've died. Blood in the urine is serious.
Maybe suggest some counselling for the two of you. It's very hard to move on from something like that unless the party in the wrong acknowledges they were wrong and doesn't do it again.
It's obvious this still hurts you and I don't think your husband takes it seriously enough.
Don't let yourself be treated like that. Just because a guy doesn't physically hurt you doesn't mean he isn't abusing you emotionally.
As for me...the majority of insults I get from family is usually when they are frustrated.
"You can go out when you WANT to go".
"We can't go there because (my name) needs a toilet!"
"We're going to the beach on the weekend. And DON'T YOU DARE RUIN ANYTHING!!! Take some immodium!!!"
But the one that hurts the worst is that I have a little dog I adopted from a shelter and I love the little guy very much. The vets is a fair way away where the shelter gets their work done for a discount. To take him there(I have before) is a looooooong car trip and it stresses me and him out, because I don't have a loo and I am not stable yet.
Well, he needs to go to the vet tomorrow and I could wait a few days for me to stabilize but it would mean he would miss out on his test, and I don't want him to miss out on account of me.
Well my brother said he'd take him in and that's cool, as I have a Dr's appointment too that day but I just know that other family members will bring it up later and say stuff like "You can't love your dog too much if you have to get someone else to take him to the vet" etc etc...
The thing is I want to do things like take acting/music/art classes and I am hoping I stabilize soon so I can work(I also have CFS and Asthma) but it's hard because I can't seem to get well enough to learn skills to get me a job and meanwhile the family just does not get it. They say stuff like "Oh I get nervous too!"
I am not bloody nervous! It's my bowel!
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I love my husband, don't get me wrong. He's wonderful most of the time. It's just when I'm sick he gets frustrated and doesn't know how to handle it.
I hate that, too, when people think IBS is all about getting nervous. That only ADDS to the problem when our bowels aren't playing fair it MAKES us nervous!
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My family and husband have been very good about my IBS. However my best friend can be a little ignorant about it at times. I was supposed to go to a Halloween party with her and her husband last October - I got all dressed up and got in my car to drive over there, and the cramping started. When I got to her house I headed straight for the bathroom. After I came out (they were still getting dressed), about 5 minutes later I was back in there again. And then a third time. I finally said to my friends that obviously I can't go. She said, "Well I'm sure there's going to be a bathroom at the party".  Of course there will be a bathroom at the party - but it's going to take at least 20-25 minutes to drive there, and then I don't want to spend the entire party in the bathroom anyway - FUN! - especially surrounded by total strangers who will no doubt be wondering why this chick keeps running to the can every 5 minutes. 
And other times she has just said the silliest things. I'll tell her one day that I am sick and can't go out, and she'll say something like, "it's not normal to have that much diarrhea all the time - you should see a doctor". Well DUH it's not normal - I HAVE IBS - and I HAVE been to a doctor and they can't do F-all about it!!! And I've TOLD you this about a thousand times! 
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IBS-A since age 12, and fructose sensitive; with the exception of my pregnancy, have been following Heather's diet since Nov. 19, 2007.
Taking 12g of Acacia per day. Relatively stable since March 2008!
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I've had people tell me that, too. "there will be a bathroom where we are going." Duh! That's a lot of fun to spend the whole time in the bathroom while everyone else is having fun. I'd rather be in the comfort of my OWN bathroom, thank you!
{{{hugs}}}
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My husband once joked that I might be giving him IBS. This was before I was stable, and it bugged me even though I knew he was kidding. As if! I know there are worse things, but I wouldn't wish IBS on anyone...Well, not for more than a day or two.
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Have you tried the IBS hypnotherapy course? There is a CD included to give to any family and close friends you want to explain to about IBS. I nearly cried when i listened to it becasue it's exactly what i wanted to say but never knew how to and now i don't have to - they can just listen to the CD.
My friends and mother think i have an eating disorder - when i was 16 i decided that if my stomach was going to hurt every time i ate i simply wouldn't eat. It was silly but that's teenager logic for you.
In fact my doctor was more hurtful than anyone - she told me that i'd "lost it," and it was all in my mind when i told her i thought my hayfever medication was making my symptoms worse. I came out of there feeling like i was stupid for causing my own symptoms and that i was mad!
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yes, I have the hypnosis CDs. I started listening to them when I first got them and my husband was real supportive. Then I just stopped taking the time for myself and never finished them.
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My step mom is notorious for being a B&$#@ (my BF can't stand her...). We went over to her and my dad's house for dinner. Beforehand I had explained in detail what I could and could not eat. I sent them a nice email with web links and everything! Well, we got there and lo and behold, there's dark chicken meat soaked in oil, broccoli, and new potatoes drenched in butter. I was upset as all heck. Her advice to me was, "You need a new diet!" WHAAATT?!?! I need a new diet?? So now whenever I go to their house, I bring my own food... If they can't be accommodating, then screw them!
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"I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it." -Jerry Seinfeld
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I am really sorry you guys are going through stuff like this. It's good to know we aren't alone, but it is also sad to know that others can relate, because it means you guys have people who say hurtful things too.
But you know what? NEVER apologise for this. It isn't our fault and I know it's embarrassing at times but I don't care anymore if people get the shits with me just because I can't go somewhere. If they love me they'll understand. If they still complain they can get lost and get a reality check.
Be great if we could give IBS to those who doubt us...just for one month. One month of them having to juggle what they do, where they go, what they eat etc...
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Wow my best friends are exactly like this too! They are always mean to me about missing out on stuff if I have to or not eating things. They always say stuff in reference to my "weird diet," and its not like I want to be on this wierd diet but I'll be in severe pain if I eat normally. Even my own sister makes fun of me, and my dad is always telling me I need to start eating some normal food like meat and cheese..hellloo!! i have ibs and i cant!
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IBS-D
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You gotta MAKE time for yourself.
God Bless
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I was over at these friends' place again this past weekend, and they were making steaks and those commercial twice-baked potatoes for dinner. They were kind enough to make me chicken and rice. While we were eating, the husband looks at me and says, "so why can't you eat the potatoes?" I said because they have cheese in them. He gives me this bemused look and says, "wow, you're really anal retentive with this diet. I couldn't do it". While "easy for you to say" was right on the tip of my tongue, my friend beat me to it and said, "it's not a choice - she has IBS – if she cheats on this diet she gets sick".
So at least she's finally starting to come around!
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IBS-A since age 12, and fructose sensitive; with the exception of my pregnancy, have been following Heather's diet since Nov. 19, 2007.
Taking 12g of Acacia per day. Relatively stable since March 2008!
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Erilyn....that was nice of your friend to stick up for you!
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I know....it's just hard when I'm busy with work and household stuff.
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I was stuck in the bathroom at a big electronics store. I caught up with my BF and told him I had to go home. He said "Why? Can't you just use the bathroom here??"
He made me explain to him why I couldn't use a public bathroom when I had D. He wanted to know if it was embarrassment. How do you explain that it's stressful to be sick in public?? The stress makes it worse!!!
~nelly~ 
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I completely agree, Nelly. I'd MUCH rather be in the comfort of my own bathroom.
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You get it!!! How do I explain that to someone who's not sick?
~nelly~
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I think the only way for someone to truly understand is to have to go through it themselves.
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I've been reading this thread and have heard a lot of the same from my family - you're always sick, can't you get better, you're faking it, etc.
I think the most hurtful thing that anyone has said is that I refuse to eat something because I could have an attack. My DH once said I should try just a little piece of steak. I said but no, I could have an attack. He said, yeah, or you could not. I still refused. He just doesn't understand how debilitating an attack is.
Generally my family is very good about my ibs. I am VERY fortunate that way. I think deep down my mum and grandma have a mild case of ibs as well because their stomaches go loopy on them too.
I'm glad we all have each other's shoulder to lean on. We all understand what each other is feeling because we know first hand.
God bless you all!
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up! 
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I soooo agree, Toady...about being thankful that we have each other here who understand first-hand what each other is going through. People who don't go through this don't "get it".
I, too, think my mom and grandmother had or has IBS issues. My grandmother is no longer living, but she always had "bowel trouble". She would even have mini seizures on bad bowel days. She lived with my parents the last years of her life, and I have always felt that most of her bowel troubles were the rich home cooking of my mother. Fried foods, fatty foods, etc. My mother didn't mean any harm, that's just the way she cooked. But, on the other hand, she wasn't willing to CHANGE the way she cooked, either. I believe it was the cause of some of my childhood bowel troubles, too.
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