Update-warning depressing
#317726 - 10/31/07 02:11 PM
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
Well, its been a while since I posted. For those of you who remember, I have been struggling with illness for several years and infertility and miscarriages before that. I don't feel the need to rehash all the old stuff but suffice it to say, the last three years or so have been hell for me.
Just over a month ago, I tried to off myself. Yes, it was a serious attempt, swallowed close to three hundred pills before I passes out. Was found several hours later by waking hubby, who called 911. I didn't regain conscious until three days later, in the ICU. I woke up alone and in the dark because my eyes were swollen shut from exposure keratitis. Needless to say, I was afraid. My chest and throat hurt like heck from being intubated.
The next two days or so are also a bit fuzzy, I was highly medicated. In total, I stayed in the ICU for 5 days than was moved to cardiac care for another 5 days. Apparently, if I had not tried to commit suicide, I would have been dead in a few days anyway because they discovered that I have two pulmonary embolisms (PE's) and three deep vein thrombosis (dvts). The PE are blood clots in the lungs and the dvts are blood clots in the calves or legs. They also discovered that I have a heart condition called prolonged QT. It has to do with the electrical system of the heart. It can be life threatening.
However, the dr's do not necessarily believe any of these other conditions are causing me all my issues. So, they are just bonus medical condition to add to my ever growing list. 
I did see a whole parade of different dr's, most of which I do not even remember. They are changing my RA dx to UCTD, which is undifferentiated connective tissue disease. This means that they believe I have an autoimmune disease of unknown origin, meaning they are not smart enough to figure it out! 
Oh, on top of all of this, I was wondering why my hubby was not visiting me very much. I think it was day 6 or 7, when he asked me, via a typed letter, where I would like my car and stuff delivered to because he wanted a separation. Hey, the wife is in the hospital for some serious crap, lets deliver her a dear john letter! 
He does decide out of the kindness of his heart to pick me up fro hospital. I agree to a two week partial patient psych program. Now, he says he wants to try and make the marriage work. Not sure how I feel about it all. I am not in any condition to be making life altering decisions, hell, I can't even decide what to wear in the morning right now!
He is going to his own shrink as I am. My plan is to wait until after the holidays and the make a decision. I am not strong enough mentally or physically to do it now.
So, its now been 4.5 weeks, I am just back to work and trying to figure my life out. I have to give myself shots twice a day in the stomach to keep new blood clots from forming and its likely that since I have so many blood clots now, that it was likely the cause of my 5 miscarriages. The heart thing will be monitored. A pace maker is the only real fix and at 37, not an option as far as I am concerned.
The one good thing is that I detoxed, oh so fun, NOT, from the many drugs I was on. I am currently on a host of new meds, mostly psych meds, high blood pressure meds and blood thinners.
I will try to catch up o posts tomorrow, its time for me to head home!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh, Michele!
I don't know what to say except that you are in my thought and I wish you all the best. Please, please, please take care of yourself. ((HUGS))
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele,
I don't know what to say except that I am glad that you are alive. I'm so sorry for the horrible hand you have been dealt in recent years, but I continue to hope and pray for a better future for you.
I'm here to listen any time. I wish you hope and strength in the months ahead as you grapple with some major decisions. My heart aches for you.
Love and hugs,
--------------------
Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Sending love from me to you, Michele. From what I remember, (I'm not on here all that much) you have always been such a wonderful source of support here for so many.
Please, please connect with the light your life brings to our world. YOU HAVE PURPOSE!
I will hold you in love and good intentions.
~Alicia
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele, words can't even express how I feel after reading all of that. I'm so SO sorry for all that you have been through; I wish I could make it all go away for you. If I lived near you, I'd be visiting you every day, cooking you an IBS-safe dinner.  I hope that you are getting all the help you need, and that you can heal and be HAPPY again. You know that we all love you and are VERY happy that you are alive!!
Please take care, Michele! Vent to us anytime, and please continue to let us know how you are doing.
HUGS!!!!!!
--------------------
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lisa, IBS-C (Vegan)
Stable since July 2007!
Mommy to Rhiannon Marie (Dec. 13, 2008)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh Michele. I'm so sorry about everything you've had to endure. You are much loved by people on this board and I'm sure there are many others in your "real" life that do, too. I cannot imagine what you're going through. Please know that there are lots of ears here that are ready to listen or help if we can.
The biggest of big hugs to you.
Love,
Lauren
--------------------
Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Just checked in to the boards and saw your message. I have always been so impressed with your strength and am even more now. You've sent me several helpful messages when I was in a panic attack or having some other issue which seemed at the time to be too much for me to handle. Now, I'm sending much love your way and wishing you the strength to endure and overcome the very difficult time you are going through....
Dan
--------------------
Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You're here for a reason, sweetie. I don't know what it is, and likely, neither do you. But there is one. Anyone else that goes through what you have been through...let's just say you're the only one I've heard stories from personally. There is some weird, unknown plan for everything. My mom spent almost two decades as a drunk, she should have died from the quantity of alcohol she put in herself. She has heart problems, high blood pressure, depression. She died, twice, and was resuscitated, twice. Twelve years ago her doctors told her that she had 7 years, max. For some reason she is still holding on here. She wanted to go many times. I know this, but she doesn't tell me. She'd rather be with her father, her childhood dog, her first, true love who died when they were very young and in love. But for some reason she is still here, like you. Something is waiting for you both. And sometime in the future, you'll both discover what it is that you are supposed to be doing. Until then, please don't give up hope. You are loved and appreciated. You are beautiful, smart, strong and wonderful. You have a place here. I say all this as my opinion. But I believe every word of it. To me it is true. And I hope that you will keep trying.
--------------------
***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh Michele!
I have tears in my eyes. You have gone through far too much in your lifetime!! I'm so sorry to hear about this last month. Please, please, please take care of yourself. Know that you are loved and important and you are missed when you're not on the board. You are beautiful, smart, talented and a fighter. It's the reason you're still here, you keep fighting. Keep fighting Michele, please, keep fighting.
We all love you, and you deserve a far better hand in life than you have been dealt.
Love you!!
--------------------
Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele! I'm so sorry about all this. I can't imagine how you feel. I just want to send you my love and prayers.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele,
I am so glad you are still around. You are here for a reason. Don't give up hope. I can't begin to imagine what it's like to be in your shoes. But I know you are a very strong woman. And I'm praying for you. Keep up the fight. You'll get through it. The doctors will figure out how to help you. And you and DH will figure out what's best for both of you. Just take it one day at a time. I hope each day is better than the one before.
--------------------
~Mary
Had surgery for rectal prolapse in Sept. '06 and feeling good now! Loving life with our IVF miracle #1.
 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele~ I am so sorry that you have to go through this! I am glad that your ok! You are a good person. Just hang in there and do whats right for you right now stay on the bored cause theres alot of people who care about you! May god bless you! Hugsxxxx Sheila
Taking it one day at a time (I learn that from you!)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I have no words of wisdom, Michele, just a BIG HUG!!!!
--------------------
 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I am truly touched by the support and love I always receive here! I am not a religious person but I agree, I must be here for a reason. I hope someday soon I will figure that out and my path will be clear. At the moment, I feel pretty befuddled, is that even a word??   I feel very mixed up and unsure of everything. I feel little comfort in the fact that I am here. I try, very hard, to see my purpose but it eludes me.
I did talk with Will a little and he says he wants to make the marriage work but I am unsure if I can ever forgive his actions. I know he was hurt by what I did but I did it partly for him, so he wouldn't have to deal with my illness as he seems to have such difficulty with that. I just can not think straight. Not sure if its the meds they have me on or if its just where I am at right now.
I so wish I could take more time off from work but its just not possible. The gal that filled in really messed a lot of stuff up and I can not afford to be not paid, the bills keep coming and don't seem to care if the money isn't!
I try not to dwell on the bad things but that's hard when the bad seem to outweigh the good. Group therapy was actually helpful as I saw some things in myself I hadn't seen before. I guess that is something I will have to work on in my private therapy now.
I really want to be happy but don't seem to know how. It seems that as soon as I had a happy moment, like a juicy puppy kiss the happiness is riped from me by pain of some sort.
However, the happiness I get from the support here feels very nice at the moment. Forgive me for not responding to everyone individually but my hands are pretty swollen today and it makes typing difficult. Love and hugs to all!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Michele
#317766 - 11/01/07 10:43 AM
|
|
|
|
Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
|
|
|
It takes courage for you to spill your emotions out on the page and I have profound respect for you for it! Thank you so much for letting us know what happened. You are very brave to do so, and I respect what you've been through these last weeks. People who don't have daily, soul-crushing physical pain won't understand what people like us have to do just to make it through the day. I've always believed there's a dignity in suicide, and I think people who do not have pain like this do not understand. I will not keep a gun in the house because of my pain-- BF acts like he understands, I don't know if he really does. But I know you do. I think that's why the boards are so important. Please lean on us! You have so much to teach the world, and your board friends and I are here to listen. I've often thought about group therapy, has it worked any? It seems like a good way to reach out to people.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
~nelly~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Nelly
#317776 - 11/01/07 01:50 PM
|
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
I agree, some people just can not understand as they do not endure the daily pain we do, the pitting looks from so called friends, the little jabs from husbands, the people who think their aunt has the cure in some home made concoccation, on and on and on.
The group therapy was probably the most helpful. You have to be able to open up and interact with others. Its nice to have a group of peoples advice on whatever, instead of just a friend or shrink, you get any ore ideas and insights that way. You never know who is going to be in group, people of all sorts.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You poor thing. I can't believe the stuff that happens to you. Like you didn't have enough medical issues already. What do they think are causing all those blood clots? Sounds scary! And what about the heart thing, have they never done an electrocardiogram on you before or has this problem started now?
I will keep on praying for you and your situation Michele and I will bring it up the next time my prayer group has a meeting. Guess you can need all the prayers you can get.
Big hugs,
Ulrika
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michelle,
I think you can sense by now just how many people here truly care for you and think you are an amazing person. Count me in. I am sorry that you had to go through all that, by yourself. I will be praying for you that you will find the answers you are so desperately seeking. BTW, did you ever investigate further the mold/fungus/yeast thing with your health? I remember you mentioning something about that in one of your previous postings. I would still consider that as an option to investigate.
Love ya!
Kim
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm so sorry for everything. I can only say that I admire your strength - take each day at a time. It's OK to put major decisions on the shelf. Trust me - you don't want to separate unless you're absolutely sure.
I know that my x had great difficulty seeing me in pain and being unable to help. I think it was also a deep seated fear that he would eventually lose me that kept him from giving our marriage his all. It could be that Will just freaked with what happened and didn't know how to react. Not an excuse, I know, but if I may say without offending anyone, sometimes that's how people react to people they love the most - they pull away.
Please, please, take care of our sweet, darling, adorable, radiant Michele. We love you and need you here! You've always been here for me. If there's anythning I can do, please let me know.
XOXOXOXOXO.
A.
--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm so glad you two are on the boards. What you've both said is exactly how I feel. I decided yesterday, after reading your comments, to look for a lupus support group -- and I found one nearby! You're right -- people, even those who are close to you and love you, can't comprehend the pain we live with. It's a very lonely and scary place to be when you're in so much pain you can't think, you can't see beyond that pain. Big hugs to both of you and to anyone else on the boards who's suffering physically and/or emotionally. I'm so glad we're here for each other!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Michele
#317842 - 11/02/07 03:10 PM
|
|
|
|
Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
|
|
|
Michele,
I don't think there is very much I can add to what other people have already said, but I did want to post a response to let you know that I echo their sentiments and am sending good health and wellbeing thoughts your way.
I can't even imagine all the things that you have been through and I just want you to know that I have always been inspired by your courage and strength. I am sure Will has his own reasons for his behaviour, but it seems like the relationship isn't what he should be making you focus on right now. I hope that he is able to give you as much love and support as we all feel for you, in person and the rest can be worked out later.
Lots of love and hugs,
Steph
--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele-
I haven't been on the boards the past few days so I just saw this. Obvioulsy I knew some but wasn't aware of everything when we talked. I kind of suspected but wasn't sure. I am so glad you are here and with us. I am so sorry you have gone through everything you have. You are a great person and there are many people here who love you and care about you. You have my number and you can call me whenever you need to. I know you may feel alone but you are not! Please take care of yourself my friend and I am praying for you!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Oh sweetie
#317896 - 11/03/07 05:59 PM
|
|
|
|
Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
|
|
|
I am very rarely on the boards these day but something made me check in today and I saw your message.
I am so sorry for everything that you have had to deal with. I have thought for quite some time that you are the strongest person I know. You have had to deal with so many things in the last few years.
The most important thing right now is for you to take care of yourself. It is very difficult to need someones suport and not get it especially at a time when you need it the most.
If you want to work things out with Will I hope that happens. If you discover that you would rather be without him you know you have all of our support.
I just want you to be happy and to feel good again. I'm sure everyone on here feels the same way. You are such a special person and you deserve to be pain free and to be happy.
Lots of love and hugs,
--------------------
Janey
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I just read your post and my heart just wants to cry for you but then I thought, NO, Michelle does not want that! Sometimes when we are told that we are strong so often we want to live up to that. It's ok though Michelle. There is a time that comes that sometimes you can't always be strong. I am SO glad though that you are being taken care of properly with new meds and new doc treatments. I hope for the best with you Michelle. You deserve so much more in life than what life has dealt you. I do pray that this is the last horrible thing that can happen to you and that your life from here on in will improve. We need you MICHELLE and just remember that! Prayers and more prayers for you!!! Take care....
--------------------
~~~Lisa~~~
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
--------------------
***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Wow Michele... I'm not sure what to say other then....{{Hugs}} I think of you often even when I'm not on the boards.... you remind me so much of what my Mom went through with her illness(s).... I wish you all the best and I hope things work out with hubby. Your a strong person...even more so now... and I'll end with the old saying, "Everything happens for a reason"
XOXO
--------------------
www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
The continued support I get here is just phenomenal. I do not know what lies ahead for Will and I, its touch and go at this point. For the most part, we are civil and more like room mates. I just can not deal with that right now.
I am at work today after spending another 5 days in the hospital. See my new update post I started. I feel pretty awful but what choice do I have, I an not lose my job.
I am definitely in the one day at a time mode. Very anxious about the test results tomorrow.
The support here means a lot to me, it warms my heart and keeps me going.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Posts
