Back from Scotland, saying hi to all, ex advice needed...
#317545 - 10/27/07 08:26 AM
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I know I haven't posted in a while, but I've been lurking and reading posts on the EFI board. We went to Scotland for a couple weeks and it was great.
I'm now working through the nightmare of a separation with X. It's not a messy one in terms of fighting, but he is now living with the "other" and life just sucks.
Any advice or words of support? I've been so strong for so long, but this is so hard. Seeing him flaunting new clothes the "other" has tried to transform his look, being all alone, ...
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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First of all, I'm sending a ton of giant hugs your way. (((((HUGS)))))
I cannot even imagine all that you must be feeling right now. It sounds like you're well on your way to accepting that this is your new reality. Part of that maybe needs to be accepting that your ex was not exactly the man you thought he was.
Also, right now he's invigorated by his new relationship in the same way that you will be when the time is right. I've seen that with my FIL as he has remarried after my MIL's passing. FIL is not the same person, and he certainly doesn't treat his new wife the way he treated my MIL. Why? Well, I think there are a lot of reasons for it, but part of it is just that he's in "new love" again instead of "married for 20+ years with kids love." Anyway, my point is that it's nothing you did wrong. Simply being with someone new is going to bring out these hurtful changes in your ex.
You're deep in the trenches of the pain right now. Everyone I've ever spoken to about divorce says that it's one of the most painful things that can happen to a person. You will come out the other side, though. Just have faith that is not the end of your life; it's just the start of a new, exciting chapter.
Anyway, I really don't know what I'm talking about, so if any of this rubs you the wrong way, feel free to ignore it. Just know that we're all here and that things will get better for ya. Big (((((HUGS))))!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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THanks, hon. That is exactly what I needed to hear. And for future reference, very little "rubs" me the wrong way. I am very difficult to offend. 
On one hand, I'm doing phenomenally well, thinking of this as a fresh start, etc.
On the other hand, he left in the worst possible circumstances, as you can imagine. All the lying, deception, and betrayal caused me the most pain I could ever imagine. And yet I still have feelings - after well over 15 years together, they don't go away all at once. I'm trying to let go a bit every day but the whole concept seems ridiculous and asinine.
I know he still loves me and that this new "person" is all that new love stuff, and I know that he will regret it. There is less than 1 per cent chance that they will make it, statistically. It just drives me crazy that this horrible "person" is going to be anywhere near my kids. She's already stolen my husband. If that makes any sense at all.
I know what I have to do. It just sucks, is all.
Thank goodness for Karate. It right now is my joy and my anchor. I have finally found a physical activity that I actually like, and I'm on a weight loss plan and have already lost 5 pounds. I am taking care of myself the best way I know how while my heart heals.
Thanks so much for caring.
XOXO, A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I can't say it much better than that! I happened to be the one that left but it's still VERY hard. I found out later that he'd cheated on me. Interestingly enough, finding out after the fact, doesn't make dealing with it any easier...even after moving on. I was bitter for too long. I've just finally found a way to forgive and it's amazing how much easier life is now.
I'm sure your ex will have regrets but you can't live hoping for that. I'm sure my ex did, too but he'd never let me know that. It's a process that takes time and it'll be hard to realize until things start changing but it happened for a reason. A good reason. If I hadn't left my ex, I wouldn't have accomplished many of the things I have and now I have a truly loving relationship with my husband of two years and a beautiful baby girl that would never have existed if I were still married to ex-DH.
You will see little by little, how life will take an upswing. It may take some time. It may take a lot of time. I was divorced for 4 years before meeting my husband...when I'd finally wiped my hands clean of men!
I wish your heart some peace. Do everything you can to focus on yourself...your health (body and mind) and those sweet children of yours and try to give as little energy as possible to thinking about him or her or why or what.
Sending HUGE HUGS your way.
Lots of love and peace,
Lauren
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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I've never had to deal with this, so I can't speak from experience. But having been through other, very painful experiences I can say please keep going. It will get better. It may not seem like it some times, but it will. And we're all here for you. I will probably disappear for a while again when my classes start this week but you can always get a hold of me via email. My address is in my profile.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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