People Pleasers?
#316666 - 10/15/07 09:11 AM
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Nugget
Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 2167
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I think a lot of my attacks are triggered by being a "People Pleaser" and being afraid of dissapointing anyone. Does anybody else feel that way? I'm always doing what others want me to do just so I don't dissapoint. It's hard for me to say "no" when I don't really want to go somewhere or do things that I've been asked to do. So to avoid any conflict I tend to say "yes" when I really want to say "no". You know what I mean?
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Hey Nugget, just be yourself. Be true to yourself. What's the worse a person can do/feel if you don't give them the answer that they want? Remember, those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.
Hugs and kisses!
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Wendy IBS A thru Z 
Taking it one day at a time...
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thanks Wendee....I just hate when people (mainly my mom and husband) get sad because I don't want to do what they want me to do...for example. Yesterday my husband needed to go run errands and was going to take me to lunch. I wasn't feeling up to it and told my husband that I needed to stay close to a bathroom for a little bit and then I could possibly go with him. He said that was fine, but then was kind of pouting and seemed kind of upset that I couldn't just leave at the minute he wanted to. I told him he could just go without me and he said "no, I'll wait...which was nice...but I kind of wished he'd just gone without me. We ended up having a good time...but it was the feeling rushed to be ready to leave, etc. Ya know?
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Hey Nugget,
I know exactly how you feel because I am the same way. For me, I do tend to say "no" sometimes because my anxiety over doing whatever it is I am being asked to do is too much, but then I suffer with feeling really guilty and going back and forth about it.
I am seeing a counsellor now who has called me on this quite a bit and says that it is really destructive behaviour, but I still haven't come up with very many concrete ways to get around this.
I have tried to just be more assertive with people and stuff, but that part of me does really want to avoid disappointing anyone or causing conflict.
If I figure out a way to help let it go, I'll definitely let you know!!
In the meantime, good luck and know we're here for you!
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I know how you feel. I am such a people pleaser and have realized that it does more harm to me when I try to make everyone happy instead of focusing on myself when I need to. I am working on saying "no" when I really feel crummy. And if that means I have to stay indoors all day in front of the telly, then so be it.
When I have to explain to my family, friends, my fiance why I need to take some time, stay home, etc it makes me depressed. I start to fixate on how my quality of life is crappy because of this disease, how I'm not free to just go wherever I want whenever I please without worrying about bathroom access, what I ate prior to leaving, what symptoms am I feeling if anything, do I have my pills, etc. I'm working on getting out of that negative thought process, but man, it's tough! I totally need therapy but can't afford it right now 
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Thanks Steph! I've gone back in time in my memories of when this possibly could have all started for me...as far as being a "people pleaser". One time in particular that I remember was when I was in the 5th grade and it was the first time I can remember ever telling my mother I didn't want to do something. We were supposed to go on a family trip over Christmas and I didn't want to go. So when she asked if I was excited about going I told her the truth that I didn't want to go and she said I was being selfish and got mad at me. I've tried to always please her since then. And since then I always anticipate the worst if I am planning on saying "no".
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Amanda...for now just consider this your therapy. Just talking about these things with others who are going through or have been through the same situations or feel the same way help me tremendously. I saw a therapist for a few months and I didn't open up completely because I didn't feel comfortable doing so. Here I feel comfortable because everyone here is going through the same things. We all understand each other. For me this is better than any therapy money could buy.
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I understand what you mean. For me, whether I say Yes or No, it's not to please the person, but it's for me to try to be normal. For example, back in May my friend wanted to go to Coney Island (15 minute train ride from where I live). Immediately after I said Ok, I started feeling antsy 1. because I was afraid to get sick and 2. because he wanted to leave within 15 minutes. I would say that my saying Ok was 1/4% to not let him down but definitely 3/4%for me to be normal like I used to be. Don't you know that the damn train's emergency brakes activated 1 stop before our's and we were in there for about 15 minutes. Talk about mind over matter! Even after getting to Coney I was still fighting that antsy feeling. Finally, it subsided and then I felt "normal". "Normal" in quotes because in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about how abnormal I've become.
But I digress. You know, you can't make everyone happy. It's the nature of the beast. Sometimes I'm given the answer I don't want to hear but c'est la vie, right?
For those that can't deal, 
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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Nugget,
I am the exact same way! I've been seeing a psychologist for a year and a half now. And that was the first thing we addressed. She taught me to understand that I am NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness. That is out of my control. And I can't take care of someone else/please someone else if I'm not taking care of myself first. You have to help yourself before you can help someone else. It's so true. One of my first assignments was to ask my husband for help 3 times. It could be simple things. But it was so tough. I didn't want to "bother" him...make him unhappy. But I made myself do it. I think I asked him to help with dishes one night. At first he was hesitant b/c he's not used to me asking him to do stuff. So it was tough to get that response. But the next time he was like, ok. No big deal. You just have to give things a try instead of worrying about how people will respond. It'll probably go a lot better than you think. Anyway, the point of all this rambling. Focus on you first. And know your limits and how to make yourself happy. Once you know how to do that then you can focus on others. And you are NEVER responsible for someone else's happiness. That is up to them.
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~Mary
Had surgery for rectal prolapse in Sept. '06 and feeling good now! Loving life with our IVF miracle #1.
 
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Thank you Mary...your words are so very much appreciated. I see on your "signature" that you had surgery in September of 06. I did, too! I had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy. Doing much better now. {{{hugs}}}
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amen Wendee! {{{hugs}}}
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My husband is going hunting in two weeks. He asked if I'd like to go with him the weekend before to get his camp set up and spend some time together camping. The area he goes to is beautiful with lots of wild horses and I'm into photography right now so it would be a perfect opportunity for some photos. Originally we planned on going up Saturday (in two weeks) and coming home on Sunday. Well, he found out that he could take that Friday off work also, so he wants me to take it off, too so we'll have an extra day. Only problem is that I only have 5 or 6 days vacation left to last me through NEXT September. I would have three weeks, but I had to borrow two weeks last year for my hysterectomy recovery time. He says "Don't think of it as time you don't have, think of it as time you do have and it would be an extra day we could spend together." Which is a nice way to look at it when he has boat loads of vacation time and doesn't have to worry about only having 5 days for the whole year. And part of those 5 days may have to be used for sick time....on those rought IBS days. I tried to explain to him that there's no compromise with him...it's either "take that Friday off or don't go." I even offered for him to go ahead and go Friday and I'd come up Saturday. He doesn't want to do that either. So I gave in and said I'd ask for next Friday off so that everything will be fine. I gave in again to being a "People Pleaser" and it pisses me off. I say OK all the time to people just to keep the peace!!! I'M SICK OF IT!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK TO PIKES PEAK AND SCREAM IT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!
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...like you, constantly berated myself for giving in and putting myself in situations I didn't desire, just because I felt obligated.
I think it's really unfair that your husband isn't more understanding, especially when you have an extremely persuasive reason as to why you can't go on Friday. He should be supportive of your decision instead of making you feel worse about it. That's just insensitive. Plus, I don't get why he says that if you didn't go that Friday as well that you couldn't go Saturday through Sunday? What's up with that? In my opinion, he should be happy to have two days camping with you rather than zero, right? You're making an effort and you want to go. It's not like you're hemming and hawing over it and protesting and making lame excuses why you can't go for a longer period of time.
If I were in your shoes and on the receiving end of that ultimatum, I would have said, "Fine. If you won't accommodate my schedule, then I won't go at all. Have fun!" And then I wouldn't have mentioned it again and acted like I didn't care (even if I did) just to impress upon him that I meant business and he better respect my wishes and my stance on the subject.
Because I used to be such a people pleaser I learned that when you become a "yes" person, the people around you the most expect you to give in. They press and press until they break your will. To me, that is not right and it's disrespectful, even when our loved ones mean well. I've become fierce about turning down people when I know I don't want to do what they're asking, or when I simply don't feel physically able. I dealt with a lot of guilt at first, but as time progressed and I asserted myself more and more I really felt better, stronger and more in control of myself.
I look at it like this, if you're so conscientious of others' feelings, then they should be just as conscientious of yours. Right? So, if you don't want or can't do what they're asking, big deal! It doesn't mean you can't do something in the future, it doesn't mean you hate them, it doesn't mean you're rebuking them personally. It just means "Sorry, not this time. If you care about me, you'll understand."
I'm sorry you're in this position. Hopefully he will come around and understand where you're coming from. And maybe, if you seriously don't want to take of Friday, then tell him you asked and your boss said no because you have an important meeting or something to do that day.
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Thanks for the support Amanda. {{{hugs}}}
I went ahead and turned a vacation request in for Friday off next week and it was approved. I checked the extended weather forecast and it looks like we might have bad weather coming at that time. So unfornuately we might not be able to go. I really want to go, I just don't want to take a vacation day. I wish my husband would understand that. I feel like if the shoe were on the other foot, he would feel the same way I do.
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He probably, no, most definitely would! In any case, I'm sure he appreciates the fact that you're willing to sacrifice a vacation day to go on this trip! (((hugs))) to you too! Hope you have a great Friday!
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Thanks for the support Amanda. {{{Hugs}}}
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