People Pleasers?
#316666 - 10/15/07 09:11 AM
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Nugget
Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 2167
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I think a lot of my attacks are triggered by being a "People Pleaser" and being afraid of dissapointing anyone. Does anybody else feel that way? I'm always doing what others want me to do just so I don't dissapoint. It's hard for me to say "no" when I don't really want to go somewhere or do things that I've been asked to do. So to avoid any conflict I tend to say "yes" when I really want to say "no". You know what I mean?
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Hey Nugget, just be yourself. Be true to yourself. What's the worse a person can do/feel if you don't give them the answer that they want? Remember, those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind.
Hugs and kisses!
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Wendy IBS A thru Z 
Taking it one day at a time...
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thanks Wendee....I just hate when people (mainly my mom and husband) get sad because I don't want to do what they want me to do...for example. Yesterday my husband needed to go run errands and was going to take me to lunch. I wasn't feeling up to it and told my husband that I needed to stay close to a bathroom for a little bit and then I could possibly go with him. He said that was fine, but then was kind of pouting and seemed kind of upset that I couldn't just leave at the minute he wanted to. I told him he could just go without me and he said "no, I'll wait...which was nice...but I kind of wished he'd just gone without me. We ended up having a good time...but it was the feeling rushed to be ready to leave, etc. Ya know?
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Hey Nugget,
I know exactly how you feel because I am the same way. For me, I do tend to say "no" sometimes because my anxiety over doing whatever it is I am being asked to do is too much, but then I suffer with feeling really guilty and going back and forth about it.
I am seeing a counsellor now who has called me on this quite a bit and says that it is really destructive behaviour, but I still haven't come up with very many concrete ways to get around this.
I have tried to just be more assertive with people and stuff, but that part of me does really want to avoid disappointing anyone or causing conflict.
If I figure out a way to help let it go, I'll definitely let you know!!
In the meantime, good luck and know we're here for you!
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I know how you feel. I am such a people pleaser and have realized that it does more harm to me when I try to make everyone happy instead of focusing on myself when I need to. I am working on saying "no" when I really feel crummy. And if that means I have to stay indoors all day in front of the telly, then so be it.
When I have to explain to my family, friends, my fiance why I need to take some time, stay home, etc it makes me depressed. I start to fixate on how my quality of life is crappy because of this disease, how I'm not free to just go wherever I want whenever I please without worrying about bathroom access, what I ate prior to leaving, what symptoms am I feeling if anything, do I have my pills, etc. I'm working on getting out of that negative thought process, but man, it's tough! I totally need therapy but can't afford it right now 
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Thanks Steph! I've gone back in time in my memories of when this possibly could have all started for me...as far as being a "people pleaser". One time in particular that I remember was when I was in the 5th grade and it was the first time I can remember ever telling my mother I didn't want to do something. We were supposed to go on a family trip over Christmas and I didn't want to go. So when she asked if I was excited about going I told her the truth that I didn't want to go and she said I was being selfish and got mad at me. I've tried to always please her since then. And since then I always anticipate the worst if I am planning on saying "no".
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Amanda...for now just consider this your therapy. Just talking about these things with others who are going through or have been through the same situations or feel the same way help me tremendously. I saw a therapist for a few months and I didn't open up completely because I didn't feel comfortable doing so. Here I feel comfortable because everyone here is going through the same things. We all understand each other. For me this is better than any therapy money could buy.
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I understand what you mean. For me, whether I say Yes or No, it's not to please the person, but it's for me to try to be normal. For example, back in May my friend wanted to go to Coney Island (15 minute train ride from where I live). Immediately after I said Ok, I started feeling antsy 1. because I was afraid to get sick and 2. because he wanted to leave within 15 minutes. I would say that my saying Ok was 1/4% to not let him down but definitely 3/4%for me to be normal like I used to be. Don't you know that the damn train's emergency brakes activated 1 stop before our's and we were in there for about 15 minutes. Talk about mind over matter! Even after getting to Coney I was still fighting that antsy feeling. Finally, it subsided and then I felt "normal". "Normal" in quotes because in the back of my mind, I'm always thinking about how abnormal I've become.
But I digress. You know, you can't make everyone happy. It's the nature of the beast. Sometimes I'm given the answer I don't want to hear but c'est la vie, right?
For those that can't deal, 
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Wendy IBS A thru Z
Taking it one day at a time...
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Nugget,
I am the exact same way! I've been seeing a psychologist for a year and a half now. And that was the first thing we addressed. She taught me to understand that I am NOT responsible for anyone else's happiness. That is out of my control. And I can't take care of someone else/please someone else if I'm not taking care of myself first. You have to help yourself before you can help someone else. It's so true. One of my first assignments was to ask my husband for help 3 times. It could be simple things. But it was so tough. I didn't want to "bother" him...make him unhappy. But I made myself do it. I think I asked him to help with dishes one night. At first he was hesitant b/c he's not used to me asking him to do stuff. So it was tough to get that response. But the next time he was like, ok. No big deal. You just have to give things a try instead of worrying about how people will respond. It'll probably go a lot better than you think. Anyway, the point of all this rambling. Focus on you first. And know your limits and how to make yourself happy. Once you know how to do that then you can focus on others. And you are NEVER responsible for someone else's happiness. That is up to them.
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~Mary
Had surgery for rectal prolapse in Sept. '06 and feeling good now! Loving life with our IVF miracle #1.
 
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Thank you Mary...your words are so very much appreciated. I see on your "signature" that you had surgery in September of 06. I did, too! I had to have a total abdominal hysterectomy. Doing much better now. {{{hugs}}}
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