Question about a personal issues. Adults eyes only.
#307534 - 05/18/07 09:36 AM
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Dajara
Reged: 12/01/05
Posts: 347
Loc: Medicine Hat. AB. CAN
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So I'm not sure if I'm going to get in trouble for posting this and if it is a concern pls feel free to delete it but I will try to keeps things a vanilla as possible.
Our wedding is now less than three weeks away (well actually it's now two weeks away.. eep!) and after a wedding comes a honeymoon.. Certain things are expected to happen durring honeymoons with couples but I find I have zero interest in that sort of thing. Point blank, very low sex drive.. I understand this is an andrenal concern which is also contributed to stress.. Does anyone find ways to deal with this sort of thing? Has anyone else every had this concern?
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Have you spoken to fiancé about this? Let there be no surprises. Give him a chance to understand.
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Does your fiance understand you don't want to have sex? Is he ok with that? It seems to me that sex is an important part of a romantic relationship. Have you thought about talking to a doctor about your lack of sex drive? I mean, if both of you are cool with a platonic relationship, I guess it's no big deal.
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I'm going to be very blunt so don't take it the wrong way. Having a sexual relationship is part of being married. May I ask, do you really want to marry your fiance? Do you truely love him? This is for the rest of your lives. Why marry someone only to remain like pals?
He needs to know how you really feel, because he may want a sexual relationship with his wife, and perhaps children at some point in his life. If he is not interested in just being friends with very little to no sexual contact for the rest of his life, then you might need to consider going your separate ways.
Another thing to think about....are you taking any long term medications like Anti Depressants or Anxiety meds? Those might be reducing your sex drive.
Good luck with your decisions.
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I'll tell you honestly and bluntly, the first thing you really need to do is talk about it with your fiance and see where he stands and what his expectations are. The second thing you might consider is talking to your doctor, sooner rather than later, and seeing if there's factors to your low sex drive that can be controlled in any way - if you haven't already, that is.
This is actually a question/problem that's hitting too close to home for me, because I have a raging, insane sex drive, and my boyfriend's is virtually nonexistent. It's led to a LOT of problems - resentment, especially - and we still haven't come up with a good solution.
On the other hand - and this is why it's so important to talk to your fiance - maybe his drive isn't all that strong either, and things will work out just fine. I have friends who have been happily married for 15 or 20 years and not had sex for most of that. Crazier things have happened.
Good luck!
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I have always had a lower sex drive than my spouse, but at the beginning (pre-marriage and the first years before kids), it was much higher than now. I think I have partly fallen into that rut that so many moms get into about not being able to separate from mom to "sex slave" right after you've tucked the kiddies in bed. LOL  Whenever my husband and I are away (which is rare), I am so much more relaxed and feel ready and willing. Add to this though that I don't have the PHYSICAL drive so much either...now exacerbated by the AD that I am taking.
If you are just getting married, yes, it is a conern that your drive is low now for intimacy b/c you are just starting out and I would imagine that research confirms that it is likely to decrease, not increase from here on in. My husband and I have had MANY arguments and discussions about this and it has taken a toll at times on our relationship b/c he feels "unwanted" or "less of a man" shall I say when I keep refusing. We are at the point where we have agreed to disagree about how often we should have relations and come to the realization that his libido will always be higher than mine. But I try to push myself to be involved as much as possible and then I do enjoy it. I do wish that it was a more natural urge (but at this point the AD is working so well, I don't want to stop it either).
Anyway, I've rambled on about myself. My point is that I agree with what the others have said about intimicy being an extremely important part of a marriage, however, there is a big difference between a diminished drive and one that is non-existent. You need to see where you fall on that range and make sure that you "lust" for the man you will be marrying at least some of the time. I also agree that you need to talk to him about this and talk to your doc. Is it your IBS that is interfering? If so, your fiance should be completely understanding of that....then your role would be to take advantage of the times when your belly IS behaving. Good luck with the situation. I know from experience it is not an easy one to tackle. 
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Originally IBS-D for a million years!
Then IBS-A, Now a transformed slightly C
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Well, admittedly this hasn't been so much of a problem until just the last few months.. Back in January Ben decided to try and quite smoking and that's kinda when it started. He was nic fitting and stressed out alot more from it and wasn't interested in sex for about.. two months.. Then it continued for another month because we work completly opposite shifts so we didn't see eachother for more than an hour a day if that... and that was usualy around 2am when I had to get up at 6am..
It may sound like I'm just making excuses, but it wasn't always a concern. Basicly there are only maybe a couple hours a week where we have time and are together and then there is the stress that if we don't do it right at that moment, then it won't happen for another week...That for me adds pressure and makes it harder to relax.. Plus.. Is it so bad that I don't want to be the one that makes the first moves all the time.??
I have talked to him about it and he completly understands. I got him to start smoking again just to level him out a bit until after the wedding and honeymoon when things are less stressful and then he can try quitting again and so far it's been a good thing. He isn't snapping at me anymore or being moody which is good... Since he starting smoking again his drive is back but now.. Now I have to find that inner nympho again haha... I do love him and I'm sure things will work out eventually it's just it was so hard to want to be sexy or be with him intimately when he would come home and take his work stress out on me.. I know I have to remember that it's just yelling in general not yelling at me but after so much negetivity it's kinda hard to let that go... Does that make any sense at all?
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If I were you going through all this uncertainty with moods, yelling, not wanting to be intimate....I wouldn't get married right now. Sounds like neither of you are ready....it's much easier to hold off the wedding now than regret it later.
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Agreed
#307591 - 05/19/07 12:03 PM
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atomic rose
Reged: 06/01/04
Posts: 7013
Loc: Maine (IBS-A stable since July '05!)
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I know it might sound like we're being overly drastic about small things, but it's seriously something to think about. I'm saying that as someone who's been divorced twice. If I'd stopped to really think about things, the first wedding would never have happened... and if now-ex-husband-#2 had done the same thing, the second wedding wouldn't have happened either, or at least would have been put off till he was in a better spot in terms of making the relationship work. It would have saved all of us a lot of problems and crap in the long run.
Just something to think about, is all I'm saying.
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Re: Agreed
#307594 - 05/19/07 12:19 PM
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Dajara
Reged: 12/01/05
Posts: 347
Loc: Medicine Hat. AB. CAN
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No worries I'm not offended at all.. I was rethinking things personally and we have discussed it...I thought that if Ben was the one that was stressed, perhaps there was something more than just his work being the stress issue.. I talked to him about it and he swears that it is just his job that he has been at for 8 years and well.. I have been at mine for 2 and a half and I'm just a peon.. He is management and I make more than he does... hmm.. Come to think about it, I got my last raise around the time that he started to get a bit.... moody.. hmmm...
but after the wedding durring our two week honeymoon.. He is job hunting to find something less stressful..
I do see all your points and it is something to think about, and something I plan on talking to him about tonight when he gets home from work... thanks for letting me vent about this..
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