Please, send hugs
#305299 - 04/18/07 10:13 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Will told me last night that he doesn't think he can live me being sick any more. He actually said that I made myself sick, on PURPOSE , with the fertility treatments I did a few years ago. I had NO IDEA that the fertility treatments could cause the illnesses that I am suffering now and there is no evidence to support that other than I got sick around the same time.
In one breath he told me that I can't just stop taking my drugs willy nilly-I stopped taking the neurotin (an anti-seizure drug that was making me ill) and it wasn't helping me anyways and I am no sicker for stopping it. The next breath, he tells me that I need to stop all my drugs because they are making me sick-remember when all this first starting I was on NOTHING except for pre-natals and a low dose of zoloft (anti-depressant) because we were trying to get pregnant.
All my recent blood work shows I am deficient in pretty much everything, hormones, vitamins and minerals and he wants me to go on a fast for days than eat nothing but rice and juice as his cousin is a health nut freak and says all my problems are food allergies. We know I do not have celiac as we did the upper endoscopy and no spores were found and my blood work is negative.
He says he is depressed because of me, I am mean to him and that I am ruining his life. He says he is $20,000 in debt because of me-he owns his own business, I have no involvement in his finances and my medical bills have run no where near that!
I asked him if he wants me to move out and he didn't answer me and yes he heard me. He says that I have to learn to be happy or he can't be with me. I tried to explain to him that the current adrenal exhaustion has left my body incapable of dealing with stress and that I do have lots of suicidal thoughts because I feel so alone in this. He did not seem concerned. he says I am stubborn and do not listen to him and he needs answers as to what exactly is wrong with me and when I will be better. WTF? What does he think I have been doing at all these doctors appointments, of which he has never ever even been to ONE single appointment with me.
I have no family in the area and no friends to stay with. My boss is really ticked at me for having to miss so much work for all the doctors appointments-I never call in sick no matter how bad off I am ( I have gone in and had to take my shoes off because my feet were too swollen to keep them on, I have gone in on so many pain pills that I would have gone to jail had I been pulled over, I go to work with my hands so swollen you can not recognize my fingers, etc, etc, etc) and I am on the verge of being fired for it. That's going to leave me without an income, without a house, without a husband and without health insurance. And, still sick. I am at the breaking, complete meltdown limit.
I have to leave in 20 minutes to see if they can get the iv infusion in my veins, they told me yesterday they will try my NECK if they can't get it in. But, my husband doesn't think I am doing enough to get well. Please, someone tell me what the hell am I supposed to do. I have seen every kind of imaginable doctor out there, submitted to every test they say, am black and blue for needle sticks again. How much more am I supposed deal with?
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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What an ass.
I know, that's not what you need to hear, but I can't help myself. F***in' A.
*big, big hugs*
My inbox is always open, and if you need it, I know it's a long way from home, but my doors are, too. *more hugs*
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Oh, Michele. I am SOOO SORRY you have to go through this. I can't believe your DH. How horrible. I can't believe he is actually blaming you for this. Regardless of what he says, remember this IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You are such a strong, brave woman. Most people would have crumbled long ago. I can't imagine going to work in your condition. I will be praying for you. And I hope the new doctors/treatments work. I don't know that I can give you much advice about DH. It's hard to get people to step outside themselves and see things from someone else's view. How would he feel if he was the one that was always sick? If he is willing to talk, then tell him exactly how you feel. If not, maybe someone else can talk to him? Is he willing to see a counselor? Has he ever thought about taking anything for depression?
Sorry I don't have much advice. I just wanted to say I hope he comes to his senses...he has a great wife! And I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. Hang in there.
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~Mary
Had surgery for rectal prolapse in Sept. '06 and feeling good now! Loving life with our IVF miracle #1.
 
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Oh, WOW Michele. I have to agree with Casey - MAJOR ass.
What happened to "in sickness and in health"? I totally understand; I had a year or so where I had some really horrible health problems. A herniated disc prevented me from doing ANYTHING. For many months my DH did laundry, washed dishes, cooked, drove me to and from appointments, even moved us from one house to another!! And he never complained. I will spend the rest of my life paying him back for all he's done.
I'm just shocked that he thinks you are doing nothing for yourself. I would have doubled over in tears and pain long ago if I were you; I can't even imagine what you are going through. Why not insist that he go to an appointment with you to see what exactly you ARE doing for yourself? Somehow, he needs to truly understand what it's like to be in your shoes.
Or he's just being a selfish ass.
I wish so much I could do something to help you! I'm sending lots and LOTS of {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}} your way. I know it's easier said than done, but concentrate on YOU. Make YOURSELF feel better!!!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lisa, IBS-C (Vegan)
Stable since July 2007!
Mommy to Rhiannon Marie (Dec. 13, 2008)
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
What an awful way to vent at you. You don't deserve that. I hate it when men do that, when they don't have anyone else to turn to for emotional support and they vent at US. {{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}
My DBH had this talk with me before. He has nothing to do with my medical care (never been to an appt either) yet he has an opinion to everything I take/every doc I see. Every now and again (maybe once every 1.5 yrs) he'll tell me he can't do it anymore. Well sorry to have to deal with a stressed out sick girl, but we're the ones who are physically suffering here! Like I'm going to hide EVERYthing... I just don't have the energy for that!  
OK, sorry for the rant. I'm totally with you on this one, he's just being a jerk. This is a cry for attention on his part. He needs to be the center of your world, not your disease. He's feeling unloved and stressed right now. I say pop some vics, sit him down, swallow the hurt and tell him that he's your shining star. Then if that doesn't work, ground some of them up and stick 'em in his mashed potatoes, and I'm sure his mood'll change. 
{{{{LOVE}}}} to you. You're not alone on this.
~nelly
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Hugs, Michele. I think it's very selfish of him to blame you for everything and put you in such a stressful position. I think it's very manipulative, immature, and cruel of him to not answer you when you asked him if he wants you to leave. I know that seeing you sick isn't easy for him, but COME ON! He should have been going with you to the doctor and learning more about your illness. He is your spouse, your partner in life. Otherwise, he has no say in the matter regarding your treatment and your illness.
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He actually said that I made myself sick, on PURPOSE
Sorry, but that's the most stupid thing I've ever heard.
It seems like it's easier for him to blame you and say your illness is imaginary rather than support you and help you. Have you thought of going to counseling together? I think you're doing everything you can to help yourself and continue working and having a life. So, please don't blame yourself.
Big, big hugs!
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What is wrong with our men at the moment??!!!!
I feel SOOOOOOOO bad for you sweetie, puts my current problems / situation very much into perspective. 
Agree with all the sentiments below - nasty, pointless, manipulative, insensitive, cruel, the list goes on... I'm so disappointed in him for you, and believe me after the things Jamie said about dealing with my IBS-related restrcitions I so feel your pain. It's the worst feeling when the person you feel is most on your side, your biggest supporter & cheerleader, turns against you / gives up on you.
Also, why do all men think they are medically qualified to both diagnose and treat all our problems?!!  Oh, and that they know better than you do how you feel. I just don't get it - is it a freak gene or something?!
Having said all that..... maybe he was just having a really, really, really low day with it? Like you I have never underestimated how hard it is for our other halves to live with our problems, and it must drive him crazy to love you so much whilst seeing you go through so much pain.
Ok, enough on the rational fairness line - what a jerk!!! So angry for you sweetheart, it is so very, very hurtful what men (and I'm sure women, in similar situations) can say and do.
Big hugs to you, and if you're either across the other side of the atlantic, my door is always open! 
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http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Oh God, Michele...I'm so sorry. I just don't even know what to say. I feel for you. It all makes me ache inside. I hope it's just a day for him and that tomorrow he'll be over it.
Big hugs to you.
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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Michelle,
Oh my God,I am so sorry to hear this.You seem to be such a nice person that happens to have a lot of medical issues. When does that make it your fault.I wish he could understand that you are sick of being sick..It's not like you want to be sick.
God Bless You
I hope everything turns out ok for you. Hugs on the way
Terry
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HHHHhhhhhhhuUUUUUUUGGGGGGgggggggSSSSssssss!!!!!!Wow, Michelle! This is bloody unbelieveable! Haven't you been trying so hard to find out what is wrong with all of your doctor/specialist visits?
I am practically speechless!
Men, as you probably already know need to know they can "fix" a problem...It sounds like Will is very, very discouraged and overwhelmed.(Not too different than yourself!)
I agree with Melissa to seek counseling.
It is exhausting for the person who is sick as well as the caregiver...he may be expending a lot of energy worrying and thinking over your condition that does not yet have a definitive label. I too have explored alternative medicine when allopathic doctors can't "help me". Adrenal fatigue is pretty common yet not always understood/examined by regular MDs. Stress and medications definitely tax the body and can lead to that. Be gentle with yourself and Will(!)...he doesn't sound like he can give too much right now. WE are here for you......
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Amy
IBS-A
Stable and thankful!
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Re: Please, send hugs
#305356 - 04/18/07 05:14 PM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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First request answered:
((((((((((((HHHHHUUUUUGGGGGSSSS)))))))))))))))))))))))
Second, OMG!!!! I had to read your post twice to see if I read it right the first time. I skimmed it at work today while my asst. was away from her desk (trying to set the good example, no surfing at work). I cannot believe what Will is saying!!! Was he hit on the head recently and is suffering from amnesia? OMG!!!! I read what you go through everyday and how strong a person you are that you haven't completely just melted down and given up. Doesn't he see that? I'm just having trouble getting my head around this, I can't imagine how you feel.
Thomas and I often discuss things that happen here on the board, he can't believe this either!! He knows there are limitations on our relationship, but he accepts that, and he understands, even if he doesn't like it. He loves me no matter what. I thought Will loved you the same, how heart wrenching to just read this post!! You poor sweetheart!! I'd love to run right down there and just hug you!!! You have been through so much, physically and emotionally, I just don't get it! You are doing everything humanly possible to get better! I've said it before, if I only had a magic wand I'd wave it over you.
Sorry, I'm just flabberghasted...
Love you Michele and I'm here if you need me. I know it's not the same as being there in person to support you, but I'll do my darndest by email!!
I'm going away tomorrow at noon so I won't be online for 10 days, if there is a computer at the resort I will try and check in.
I can only continue to pray for the best for you...
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Michele-
**hugs** I am so sorry that you now have to deal with this. Men can be so insensitive sometimes. Maybe he was just having a bad moment?? Anyways it still doesn't make what he said right. Please hang in there. I know we haven't talked in awhile on the phone but you still have my number right? Call me if you would like to talk. You are a great person who doesn't deserve to go through all of this. There are people who care about you and are here if you need anything so try not to feel alone and reach out to us whenever you need to. And ohh just thinking back to what he said makes me feel like screaming! Does he really think you like not knowing what is going on with your health?? Try to keep the lines of communication open with him. Even if you feel like throwing something at him!!!
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Wow, he's being a big jerk right now. Since he wants to know what's wrong and how can it be fixed, you need to drag him to the doctor(s) you're seeing right now and have them discuss it with him. If he doesn't want to go, then tell him to either piss in the pot, or get off.
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hugs
#305385 - 04/18/07 09:11 PM
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hohoyumyum
Reged: 05/28/03
Posts: 2263
Loc: SacTown, CA
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I usually try to put myself into everyone's shoes. Find out what they are feeling. Why do they say the things they say? I can think of a hundred reasons why Will is feeling the way he says he feels. HOWEVER, he has no right to say those things to you and HE'S WRONG! He has every right to be frustrated and scared and depressed just like you. But his duty as your husband is to support and love you through whatever may come. We don't promise each other that we'll stay together as long we're healthy and happy and productive. We commit to a lifetime of loyalty, support, and holding the other up when they fall. Love is fun and joyous. Marriage is work. It's worth the work but it doesn't make it any less work. Sometimes it's hard and maybe we think we'd be better off without it. Don't get me wrong. There are instances when people really shouldn't be together. But for most part, I think that when people do things like this it's only because they are frightened and feeling weak.
The only thing you really can do is keep going. I think sometimes we're tested to see how much we can handle before we break. I don't know where you get your strength from but I know you have it. And when it comes to sink or swim, you will ALWAYS swim. You're a strong lady. And for all of us, the only choices are to keep going or lay down and die.
My e-mail is in my profile and, if you ever find yourself on the west coast, your welcome here.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Ahhhh!!!
#305402 - 04/19/07 06:42 AM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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What's with people leaving when you need them the most?!? You're not making yourself sick---but you know that. How on earth can you convince someone else though? I don't know what to say Michele, other than I'm sorry, and I hope Will comes around and realizes his error. We are all imperfect in our own ways, and it's not for us to judge each other for them, only to love each other no matter what.
And forget that fast thing.
Hugs,
Ginger
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((((((HUGS)))))) Michele, you are a wonderfully kind and STRONG woman to have to put up with so much physical and emotional stress. Your husband is probably frustrated because he loves you and hates seeing you sick. I cannot fathom how you put up with so much stuff, but remember that you have friends that are here for you and are ready to open up their doors and hearts to you when you are in need. Stay Strong. Youll Make It.
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Some of your replies made me smile, I am glad to know I am not being unreasonable here. We did not speak at all yesterday. I had to be at the clinic at 2, took almost 2 hours to get the iv in but they got it, I lost track of how many times it took though. I am black and blue and swelled up from all the veins blowing. But, got the "juice." Than had a hour of massage therapy and an hour of something called sms, its an electrical zappy thing, sorta like an overgrown tens unit but is supposed to reset the sympathetic nervous system.
It was after 7pm when I got home and I was dreading walking in the door. However, Will got up right away and greeted me with a hug and an "I'm sorry." He said something to the effect of us having our first fight, we have been together for over 8 years. I looked at him and said you are joking right? That was a bit more than just a typical martial fight!!!!
I told him I had gotten some info on a few apartments and he seemed a bit shocked. I told him he had said some REALLY nasty things and that I do not ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. He apologized again and said he does love me. I point blank asked him if he wanted out of the relationship and he said no but he was hesitant.
I am not sure how I feel about it all. He isn't perfect (who is though) and there are some other issues. I do love him but I guess I would say that I am not IN love with him at the moment.
He promised to be more sympathetic and I promised to be not so grumpy even when I hurt all the time. I know money isn't a reason to stay together but it would mean financial ruin for both of us.
I think we are just going to take it easy and not make any rash decisions at the moment. He promised there isn't anyone else or anything like that and I do believe him there.
Not to make any excuses for his behavior as there are none hut he was drinking, which he has been doing a lot of lately. Usually he isn't a mean drunk at all, usually he gets all mushy but maybe all this had just pent up and he drank enough to have the courage or lack of discretion and just let it all out. His mother died of breast cancer when he was young, I think he was 10. He does not deal with sickness well at all.
I think I probably could get him to go to counseling with me but first, I have to have the strength. Right now, I am too tired both mentally and physically. I just feel very numb about it all right now.
Everyone keep your fingers crossed that the new treatments I am doing will help. Will did promise to go to my appt with the rheumy May first and the appt at the pain clinic when I get my spinal injections which is May 9th. I am supposed to have the iv infusions every month and I am about 2 weeks into the yeast medication. I am still doing the acupuncture, massage therapy and now this new sms treatment. I am also starting a new medication tonight, forgot what its called I dropped it off at the pharmacy, but its supposed to help reduce the fluid in my body and hopefully reduce some of the swelling. My blood pressure and pulse are very high as well and my chest hurts and the nurse said I have fluid built up in my chest cavity and that this new medication should help. I am also supposed to buy those old lady or diabetic socks. The ones you get at the pharmacy that are super tight to try and push some of the fluid out of my feet as my toes are numb from the swelling and I can not tie my shoes anymore. I recently switched from zoloft to cymbalta and they upped the dose of that. I am still doing my humira shots weekly for the ra and I am down to 4mg of the prednisone. I need to get off the prednisone completely but it sends me into a flare so I have to do it very slowly. I also started an adrenal supplement last week and a dhea supplement this week. SOMETHING has gotta work! Taking the pain pills on a schedule seems to help better than just taking them when it gets super bad.
Ok, thinks thats about it. Luckily my boss isn't in today so it should be pretty calm at work but its going to be a very long day.
Thanks everyone for their support. I hate being such a drama queen. In fact, I would love to have nothing to post about. I guess for now, lets just hope that I can post soon that I am feeling better.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm sure that Will is just as frazzled over you being sick as you are. Sometimes it's more difficult to watch someone who is ill rather than be ill yourself.
While he should be supportive and try his best to help you, he also needs an outlet. He chose unwisely to make you the outlet this time.
I think counseling is a good idea if he is willing.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))
I'm a little late to enter this conversation, but I am happy to read that Will apologized for the cruel things he said. It seems like it was a highly inappropriate expression of his frustration. Men like to fix things, so I'm sure it hurts him that he can't fix your pain. He likely dealt with those emotions in a really inappropriate way.
I am hoping and praying that you two will see your way through this.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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It's hard to offer advice at a time like this. From your post, it seems like you need to find a new living situation. Someone so unsupportive will only bring you down further. But I understand that it may not be possible currently. Please know that my thoughts are with you. I can relate to having a partner who just doesn't understand and is critical of everything you do. For me, that needed to end. Is there anyone else you can reach out to in your area? You shouldn't be dealing with this hell all alone.
Carolyn
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Michele
#305486 - 04/20/07 03:48 AM
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Janey
Reged: 10/25/03
Posts: 1716
Loc: Maryland
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I seem to be late coming into this. I am so sorry that on top of everything else you have to go through this too with Will. Men can be such jerks sometimes and mix alcohol on top of the normal day to day men stuff and sometimes there is trouble.
I think it sounds like the two of you have a plan to start making things right again between you. It is a good idea for him to go to your doctor appts. with you. Then he has an active interest in your care and he can hear first hand what the dr is saying or planing.
I'm sure that it is difficult for him to watch someone he loves feeling so sick but there is nothing he can do. I agree that he probably needed an outlet but you are not the right person for that. You have enough to deal with.
I pray that the new treatments will help you. It sounds like the doctors are trying to figure out what is going on and hope they hurry up. I know you are tired of feeling sick and being in pain.
You are an amazing person to be able to deal with all of this every day and still go to work and try to live a normal life. I really do admire you and your courage.
Hugs sweetie,
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Janey
Edited by Janey (04/20/07 03:49 AM)
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He has been really nice since then so I think he knows he really messed up!
I am feeling a little better today. Not great but improved so I am hopeful all these new treatments are starting to work! I also bought a pair of those diabetic type compression stockings, very expensive, but my feet feel a bit better today and they are supposed to help with some of the swelling as well.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Our relationship definitely needs some work but I think we are both willing to give it another try! Thanks for the kind words.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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oooo that's sooooo ggrrrrr I have no other words. I really do try to be understanding and unjudgemental (try lol) but that is so insensitive! I mean does he think you like being in pain???
ok I'm just totally grumping here cos I'm in that sort of mood not cause it's anything like you and blondie's situations but I went to get a mole checked out at hospital yesterday and was telling my friend about it he was like 'oh it's probably nothing' so yeah that's fine he's trying to reassure me but it's a day since I went and he hasn't even asked me how it went!! ( I've been talking to him on msn for the last 10 mins - NO MENTION from him) it was insignificant the Dr said but still I mean I was referred by my GP and it COULD have been something and it's like well don't you even care?? ggrrrr
sorry I'm just in one of those moods I suppose
I really hope everything is working out for you Michele that totally sucks how he's treating you
xxx
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I'm glad he apologized and is willing to compromise. That's a really good sign! I'm not sure about waiting for counseling until you feel better...It just seems that now is the time to get support -- not just for your relationship, but for yourself. I hope it's not out of place for me to suggest that, because I realize I don't know about your day-to-day life and I can't fully understand how much pain you're in. I just don't want you to feel alone or helpless!
Again: MORE HUGS! And I hope these new treatments work for you.
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No worries Maria, I value your judgement and advice and you are right, I know I shouldn't wait. Its just that its a half hour drive from my office, an hour there and by time I get home, its after 8:30. Most days, its all I can do to drive home after work the exhaustion is so bad. However, I am starting to feel better so if this continues into next week, I will definitely call and make an appt! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Quote:
However, I am starting to feel better
I'm SO glad you're starting to feel better. I hope it continues. 
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Michelle-
#306515 - 05/04/07 06:15 AM
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khyricat
Reged: 08/05/04
Posts: 3612
Loc: Michigan
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I've been offline a bit.. I hope that the appt on the 1st held good news.. it sounds like you both need to go to the therapist.. he has some built up anger and frustrations- not neccesarily at you but at the situation and taking it out on you was wrong.. but if he's willing to realize there is a problem and get help and maybe help you work on this more hands on it will not be a bad thing.. I hope it all works out... so sorry to hear you may be losing your job over this, I know you love that job!
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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I am so sorry you have to go through all of this! Your in my thoughts & prayers. You do what you think is right for you no matter what that may be. Just please rember how much your single quote has help me! Stay strong and rember you can always look up when you need help! God bless lots of hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Emmasmom
ibs-c
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