Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Relationships huh? Another one bites the dust...

I guess many of you will be really surprised, but mine and Jamie's relationship is over.

He basically had a couple of days away with work and spent them thinking about us, and apparently he "doesn't love me like he used to", and when he thought back apparently this started a couple of months ago. He wasn't happy any more, he wanted something 'different' (despite constantly saying up til this week that he couldn't wait to grow old with me, that I was his 'lobster' - they mate for life, etc etc)

Reasons? Mainly the IBS - the constant planning we have to do, dealing with my (now very rare) down days and bad car trips, etc - said it's very tiring, boring, restrictive. (tell me about it!) He's fed up of having to plan our time around my tum, etc etc. I have always felt so bad that my tum stopped us going out and seeing his friends and spending time out together, but the tough part for me is that it / I was getting better - just a few days before I'd got all excited that this summer was going to be so different from the last, that we could go out, that we could do things together, and I was ready, now I'd got through my 6 month probation at work, to put all my efforts into us and making us happy and do all the things we'd missed out on! Aarrghhh!!

Also I've apparently taken advantage of his 'good nature' by him both doing the grocery shopping and 99% of the cooking. Yup, and I did the cleaning, hoovering, dusting, tidying, washing, gardening, planning, researching for purchases / decoration, etc etc. Oh, and he sometimes has to go pick a parcel up from the post office for me when my tum is bad...

So basically I got home from work, to find a blank faced, alien-looking man, who gave this sob story for half an hour, admitting he was being selfish/silly etc but that he 'couldn't look himself in the mirror anymore', and we'd had one argument too many (about 5 in 3 years), and that we 'weren't good for each other'.

As far as I'm aware there is no-one else involved, but what a sh1t end to a 3 year relationship, that started out so loving and passionate and intense. A real body blow. In fact, just last week he told me 'how happy' I made him, how we'll be together for ever, he can't imagine life without me, blah blah blah. Yup, all makes sense!

Anyway, this happened Friday (Friday 13th!), and it broke my heart. Because it's his house I had to come straight back up to my parents (luckily only 40 minutes away) with as much stuff as I could fit in my car, and as I stil have quite a bit of debt left I'll have to stay here for a few months before I even think about buying my own place. Not too bad, there's plenty of room, I still have my old room and my own bathroom.

My boss was great - the company are going to hire a van for me to go pick up the rest of my stuff. Hopefully this will be tomorrow if we can get a van in time, if not me, my dad and a couple of others will take our cars down and bring what we can.

2 weird things - firstly no-one is surprised, and nobody is disappointed - they thought he was too weak, emotionally unstable and self-pitying for me! I'm talking friends, some of my family, colleagues here. Wow!

Obviously no-one said anything while we were together.

Secondly, though it still hurts to think of him, and to think of never running round the house giggling together or laying my head on his chest or seeing new places with him, or, my God, thinking about him with someone else, I don't feel as bad as I would've thought. I cried all Friday night, but I honestly don't know how much of that is because of how much I love him, and how much is that it is just a big shock to the system, a big change to have to make.

How can you tell?

As I finished putting the last bits into my car I turned round to say goodbye - he'd already shut the door!! But the odd bit - it made me laugh! That's him all over, a little boy when things get tough, giving up rather than fighting to put it right. (A few of his points were valid - and if he'd told me a couple of months ago we could've sorted them out easily - like couples do) Anyway, I drove away feeling, well, kind of liberated?

I've already lost my huge cravings for chocolate and junk food, I'm eating small & IBS safe meals through the day and feeling fine. We've had a freak heat wave this weekend and I've spent loads of time outside, which I could never be bothered to do b4, and I've got loads of colour - someone said on seeing me today I should break up more often!

Also I'm really excited about work, putting everything into making myself indispensible, so taking on a mortgage at the end of the year won't be *quite* so scary. I'm going to take up my Marketing study again, and hopefully get the equivalent of the BA degree in 12 / 18 months. I can't wait to start going to the gym after work, and lose this weight I put on while I was down there.

Plus, my parents only live 15min easy drive from where I work, whereas we were 40mins motorway drive away, so hopefully I can cut down on the number of Imodium I take to get to work. Maybe even stop taking them?!!

My IBS started the week after I met J, and it's been a constant through our relationship - and believe me, I understand how terribly hard it has been on him, but if what we had wasn't strong enough to get him through all these niggly little things that he cited, then it/he wasn't what I thought anyway.

There are going to be good days, terrible days (I'm crying as I type, because for all his faults & despite what he's said/done, I still love him deeply, and his faults are small in comparison to the million things I loved about him every day, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him), and in-between days, but I'm really looking forward to the future.
I can't bear the thought of meeting anyone else or dating, because as of a few days ago I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, but he obviously wasn't the man for me if this has happened. Maybe, a *long* time in the future, I will meet someone else, or think about dating, but in the meantime there are 3 priorities:

1) Work 2) Study 3) Getting the 'old' me back, finding my balls again!!

When we met I was career-focussed, hard, ballsy, tough and independent. Much of that was eroded through both IBS, a previous relationship and losing my job, but also because J encouraged the change, telling me he preferred this softer version of me, and he cajoled me to reveal my vulnerability, and to depend on him.

Well Friday he turned round and said my depending on him, for things like the grocery shopping and parcel collection and him paying the mortgage (until, as we'd agreed, I got to a certain level of debt in the summer), was too much, and he felt like he'd been used or taken advantage of.

BUT, whilst it was partly his fault I changed, it is also going to be partly down to him that I find the real me again, whoever that may be.

Anyway, he's been really cold since - I had to text him to ask him to send me my cellphone charger, and I started with 'Hiya, how r you? Hope you're ok', before asking. All I got back was 'too late today, will send Monday. You'll get it Tuesday.' I really hoped that, if this day ever came, we'd be adult about it, and hopefully turn what was left into friendship, or at least civility, but he's acting like I've ended it or I've done something wrong?! All I can hope is that he will manage to be mature about the big things - he has a big sum of money that is mine in his bank account, which he's said I'll get back in my account Monday, and I really do believe. Also, my car is in his name - he said on Friday that he would continue to pay the finance til I got myself straight, which would be October, and again, I completely believed him, because (a) the Jamie I knew & loved was a decent person, and (b) I didn't think all of his once huge love for me could've disappeared overnight, so much so that he'd want to screw me over or hurt me. But I have to say, since the text thing, I've been a little unsure - he is going to be adult about this, right?

Anyway.......... That, my friends, is that!

(PS - Sorry this is a long and confused post guys - my feelings and thoughts are SO all over the place at the minute, and I don't really know exactly how I feel. I just have weird bits and pieces of thoughts and hurts and plans, all just whizzing through my mind. Hopefully I'll get it straight, but it's gonna be tough, 'cause, well, with Jamie, I was 'done' - this was it for me, and in a blink both 'it' and him is gone, so whatever my true feelings, which I'm beginning to think maybe some of which I buried, this hurts very, very, very much

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