Driving myself CRAZY...ADVICE please....
#277669 - 08/08/06 02:38 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I know I said that I went and had a retreat and sorted everything out, right... and yes, everything about my past, my childhood, my parenthood and my marriage falling apart is ALL sorted.
But can somebody tell me why I cannot stop thinking about this Jason guy? I mean, we didn't sleep together, we only dated a few weeks, we didn't say I love you...he may return and he may not...I know all this. We had a very intense and very different connection and he was very open about how he felt about me. two days later, he had to go and make sure he wasn't rushing into a relationship with any resentments towards his ex or any previous exes. he had to think outside the box, he said, and make sure he was ready for this...which he even said the positives would far outweigh the negatives in a relationship with me, and it'd be great, and it'd definintely be long term, and have great potential. his words.
Three frickin weeks and I can't get him out of my head. I have dreams every night about him. i wake up saying "get out of my head!" and I pray every night that if he's not returrning that god give me a frying pan over the head so I know. All I get is dream after dream that he's coming back.
Because I am NOT working now, I have way too much time to think, and because I have very little money to DO anything, I have basically been hostaged in the house the last few days. I'm reading, writing, going on the computer, playing with Kayleigh...but still can't stop thinking about him.
I KNOW what i want, and I want to be with him. I'm absolutely sure of that.
Logically, however, I am convinced this is SO stupid. My heart will NOT shut up. It was NOT like this with Trevor. I mean, I made excuses for Trev, sure, but in my heart I knew it was over. I didn't ever dream of him coming back, nor did I obsess that he would.
It didn't help that today I went out for lunch with Trevor and DD, and talked about Jason, and Trevor agreed that Jason just got scared and needed time. trevor's always been very honest about most things to me, and he'd tell me if he thought this guy was a scuzz who ran off because he din't get action.
I don't want to date ANYONE else, but I don't know how much time to give before I contact him. I said I'd give myself till the end of the month...I know life will be speeding up soon and that a lot of school and house and travel and life things, as well as separation/divorce things will be going on soon. My focus will be on other things...
Shannon+ too much time=INSANITY.
I got a taste of what i really want in someone and that's the hardest thing to let go of. But seriously, i get over things very quickly-I dated someone about 2 weeks after my first love and I split...andreally am basically over Trevor, truly....to sit and listen to him talk about his girlfriend(i just don't like having to write that she has the same name as my daughter, though) and NOT being weirded out by it, tells me that I've really healed there....
Please please, tell me what you think. Even if it's what I don't want to hear, and I don't know what I want to hear right now....tell me. I feel so stuck in this.
What do you all say? I swear I'm as hurt over this as with my separation!
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Coookie (08/08/06 03:53 PM)
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Aww jeez, Shannon.  Personally I think you are on the rebound and your mind is using this guy to replace Trevor and your "dream". You have stars in your eyes. Of course, you are hearing this from someone who didn't find anyone until she was 55. I'm not saying it can't happen, but it is so fast I worry that you will make a mistake. I made myself miserable for years having a "crush" on a guy who was barely just more than an aquaintance. I didn't even give myself the chance of meeting anyone else.
It would be great if it all works out, but don't limit yourself. Like they say "there are a lot of fishy guys in the sea" (well, that's not quite what they say)
Go out some night with a girlfriend and see what else is out there.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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First, it's pretty obvious that Jason was filling a void in your life that has been empty for a long time - even while you were married to Trevor. So it's perfectly natural that you don't want to let that go.
Second, you two were just in the beginning stage of a relationship, where everything is heady and wonderful and exciting and new. It's all so wonderful - no wonder you're missing it. The feelings are infectious, and impossible to resist. Especially since you've had a void with Trevor.
Third - it's so flattering that guys are interested in you right away - and you should take it as a great compliment, and if it were me (I don't know how your self esteem is but mine is very low), I would take such comfort in being wanted and desirable. I would think there was something wrong with me or I did something wrong for Trevor to leave (which of course you didn't. but that's just my warped mind)
So, honey, he was basically filling all the needs that you had at the time. Was it good? Of course, IMHO. I think it would be amazing if you two could find a happy ending.
Here's the party pooper thing. Dr. Spice said it and so did I - it's much better if you two get rid of your own baggage separately. You may be ready or you THINK you may be ready, but you have the rest of your life. Let the guy do his sorting - it takes guys longer, I think. They're not great on the emotional stuff sometimes.
Good things come to those who wait. Pray, meditate and be patient. If this guy is it, and he's worth it, he's worth waiting for. DON't call him. He needs to be the one to make the first move. Otherwise, you may be pushing him and that might not be good.
Focus on your school - get some curric documents and start making outlines for the year. Block semesters first, then months, weeks. At least then you'll have a framework.
See if you can get someone else who teaches french and borrow their stuff and photocopy it.
Nothin like standing in front of the copier!!! LOL! 
Love you babe,
A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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but you know I just don't see things as most do ... I kind of agree with Carol ... go out and see what else is out there. But ... what would be wrong with a phone call just to say howdy and how you doing? I would think it'd be nice if a sweet lady called just to say hi. What's wrong with friends calling to pass the time of day with each other and catch up on the week?
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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and I do agree that it'd be fun, to go out and scope out the guys... but I'm just not interested.I tried that when trev and I first broke up. I like looking but am not interested in HOOKING!
I also told Jason that I'd give him time without talking to him etc. He wants to get his weekend over with(that's done) then he has a million goings on, then he is going away with his daughter near months end(he booked it so it was the same time i was away in Vancouver, so he wouldn't MISS me too much, bleah)and then it's months end.
i texted him twice in the last week, because he was going to be hanging on to a mountain with those skinny bike tires and I was worried. The frst one, he replied right away, and the second one, he never did reply. Could be a million reasons but I'm not being naive.
I know that once school stuff gets going it'll be fine. I can't even BEGIN that until i meet with a co-teacher because I have NOTHING for supplies or resources. I was supposed to meet with her today but am tomorrow instead.
It could be partly that Trevor's working like, 7 days a week right now and I ahve zero time without Kayleigh darling, so it's easy to get cagey.
I agree about Jason and I getting our baggage unloaded seperately, ABSOLUTELY....and that's exactly why I took off by myself. I unloaded tons.
Yes, I do feel desireable and beautiful for the first time in six years. Yes, it would appear that he filled a void. But I think there really was MORE than that in him. When I make lists of all the things that attracted me to trevor, it's all things that he did for ME or made ME feel.
When I wrote the same list about Jason, it was all things about HIM, not about what he did for ME. Strange, no? It's maybe because I'm not ready to let go of the dream that Prince charming is still out there. He has all these amazing personality traits that I admire.
Trev HAD them but I've ourgrown those traits, and he hasn't. We admit I grew up and he didn't.
But it's as if there was something far more. Potential. And yes, it hurts like hell when it's peaking in excitement and you're dying to get to know them more, and they just LEAVE. I've never felt quite so lost though.
And who knows, after a month he might just come back. But it's sort of....I don't know, do I want to live with this emptiness another three weeks over someone I dated a month? I wish god would give me some definitive answer so i could ahve some peace. if I knew it was for sure over, i could drop it and go on with life.
ahh....
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Keep on keepin' on...
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still looking for replies...or a good way to get un-bored with a three year old in insufferable heat with no money and little gas!
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And I think, Cookie, that what you really need to do is find yourself. Funny thing about that is, you don't even know that you haven't done it until you do. Humans, we're so simple, and so complex. Take some time, call it a year, with only yourself and your daughter. Learn about who you are. Learn to be one whole person and to not need someone else to be whole. You are a wonderful mother, a smart and intelligent woman. You'll be fine. You just need time to yourself.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Quote:
First, it's pretty obvious that Jason was filling a void in your life that has been empty for a long time - even while you were married to Trevor.
Yep, to me too.  It was a void that I know now CAN be filled.
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Second, you two were just in the beginning stage of a relationship, where everything is heady and wonderful and exciting and new. It's all so wonderful - no wonder you're missing it. The feelings are infectious, and impossible to resist. Especially since you've had a void with Trevor.
Absolutely, and I've always been a sucker for "limerance" in relationships. Apparently so has everyone else I've dated, or Married for that matter!
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Third - it's so flattering that guys are interested in you right away - and you should take it as a great compliment, and if it were me I would take such comfort in being wanted and desirable.
it was So nice to be wanted again because Trevor's excuse for leaving was that he was sexually unattracted to me (no duh, I was not anymore to him either!) And that Jason could wait when we both knew our fire was just BURNING was nice too...and he also said I was incredibly sexy, which I haven't heard since, hmm, I was engaged. He also said some pretty knock me out things that i won't repeat for fear of making someone blush.
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Here's the party pooper thing. - it's much better if you two get rid of your own baggage separately.
I couldn't agree more. I feel as though i have gotten rid of my baggage myself and am so happy to be free of it. I KNOW there's always going to be stuff cropping up, and I know Jason knows that, as he didn't want his junk interfering with our relationship. What guy freaking says that? *cry* He was soooo sensitive, the opposite of any guy I'd ever ever dated.
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You may be ready or you THINK you may be ready, but you have the rest of your life. Let the guy do his sorting - it takes guys longer, I think. They're not great on the emotional stuff sometimes.
I'm so willing to give him his time if it's really going to work..but I guess I'm scared of falling a pawn to someone. You know, in grade 8+9, I crushed on a guy who never gave me the time of day till college, then he crushed on me, LOL! So it can draw out! PS- then I didn't give HIM the time of day. So funny.
I know I have to focus on ME to get out of this rut,and I think I'm a little scared of that. Being selfish is something I'm not too good at because I've never had the chance.
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Focus on your school - get some curric documents and start making outlines for the year. Block semesters first, then months, weeks. At least then you'll have a framework.
Tomorrow I meet with a fellow teacher, then I can start on my plans. till then I really know NOTHING aboutresources, and all the resources are locked up and I don't get a key till Aug. 21, dammit. 
I am praying till my throat hurts. Ah man, if there was a better way to know it was worth it..... 
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Coookie (08/08/06 09:15 PM)
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I KNOW I am whole. I know I don't NEED a man to be happy. I know I'm a great mom, and a worthy person. I just can't stop thinking about jason, though..because to me he appears to be a WHOLE person.
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but I've been on the rebound before, and it usually involvees wanting to just kiss a whole lot of people, not like, stay in a very exclusive and intimate relationship with ONE guy. WThat's why it feels so ODD for me to be so interested.
I do have stars in my eyes, because now I'm looking for the right things, and he has the right things. Now whether or not i get to keep him is another story.
Maybe I'm scared that other guys with the same qualities would be too shallow for me or something. trevor had a lot of great qualities, but I never really saw how shallow he was until we broke up. he was always making fat jokes, and ugly jokes about others, never to me, but I thought they were just jokes. Plus the OLD jokes about me....i think i was wrong. His new girlfriend is tall, thin and pretty.
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Hey Shannon,
Sorry to hear you are feeling a bit of insanity at the moment, but I think that's completely natural.
I dunno if it would help you, but I was thinking that maybe you should go back and read through all your old posts since you and Trevor were first seperating.
It has been such a short period of time, and you are rush-rush-rushing and I know you are making a lot of excuses for why it's okay this time, but if you read your older responses to other posts you'll find you did the same thing with him as well. I think we all do that, saying that it's "different this time", but I think the feelings that you are having for Jason are very similar to the feelings you had about trying to get Trevor to stay... even if it seems different now.
I agree with what someone else said - the beginning of a relationship is always great and I think it's good that you had this really nice experience but pretty soon, "real life" would start to kick in and I agree that you and your daughter definitely need some time away from your marriage to Trevor before that's a good idea.
I mean, in one post you swore that you wouldn't introduce your daughter to Jason until *at least* 6 months, and you already did introduce her... I think it may be possible that Jason realised what you were doing as well and maybe saw it was for the best to take a giant step back.
3 weeks and you're going to say I love you? After just seperating from your husband? It's so fast, and there is no reason to be in such a rush.
I think that it's totally normal to be clinging on to lovey-dovey feelings you had for Jason because he was a bright spot in a break-up, but I do think it's best to focus on your daughter and forget about saying "I love you" to anyone for a while.
If you are feeling stranded in your house and are low on money, why not try taking up some outdoor activities and things to occupy yourself and find something you really enjoy now that you are a single lady?
I think you could really take advantage of this time for yourself, you are a very strong woman and you certainly don't need a man in your life to fill any void!
Hope you start to feel better soon!
**hugs**
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Quote:
I dunno if it would help you, but I was thinking that maybe you should go back and read through all your old posts since you and Trevor were first seperating.
I actually did this today. I felt back all the feelings...
Yes, it does feel rushed to me too. That's why it's driving me so crazy! I did break my promise to me about introducing him to Kayleigh. Firstly, I got way into it, but secondly, he has this...promise, in a guy, that I've never seen before.
I know when Trev and I broke up i was totally in denial for the first bit, before I knew what was going on. As soon as I did though, I was ready to walk away.
And I'd be ready to walk away from this too if I KNEW it was not going anywhere.
Believe me, I realize full well how stupid it sounds! I struggle with how my heart can feel this way so soon.
No, I'm not in a rush to say I love you...now that I do have some perspective on that. I did think about that, in a dream last night...that makes sense that it was a little nutty...so I won't say it for a long while.
I get that he gave me this happiness that I haven't seen in my marriage for a long time. I do see that. And I also see that if it's not meant to be, that I can find that happiness long term... with someone else.
Part of what Jason gave me was this renewed love for the outdoors-hiking, biking,camping-that was something Trevor was never into, but something I was, and lost out on when we got married. I'm already taking Kayleigh on long walks etc this summer, from Jason's inspiring reminder of how much I loved the outdoors.
He also reminded me that I used to write a lot of poetry, and wasn't afraid to say what I felt. This was also halted in me not long after Trev and I got together...for some reason. I guess because he never appreciated it.
So maybe Jason came into my life to remind me of the things I used to love to do with myself before love squashed it all and killed my spirit. It's like he brought my spirit back...and because of that, we had things in common that could have lit our spirit in one another, and that's fabulous.
Does that make sense?
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Coookie (08/09/06 11:18 AM)
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I think as women and Moms we are often expected to play the martyr. Do everything for everyone else and don't take care of yourself because that's selfish. Ya think June Cleaver ever took time for herself? NO! I think we were programmed from other eras to put ourselves last. And in the day and age where Moms are working, there's even less time.
I finally had a DUH! revelation last week. Women are like cars. If the engine, not to mention the whole car isn't in good shape, the passengers in life aren't getting what they deserve - a smooth ride. We need to keep our engines, bodies and everything else healthy. That means taking care of ourselves. Our children will BENEFIT if we take the time - we become better Moms, people and less stressed.
Now, truthfully, I've had this revelation, but I haven't really implemented it as much as I should - but I'm working on it.
It's hard to put ourselves first after a lifetime of being last. Try it - and then let me know how to do it!!!!  I'm terrible at taking my own advice. 
XOXO
A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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My Christian therapist put this another way:
If we don't let God fill up our cup, we give all of our water to everyone else. If we let God fill up our cup and replenish us over and over, though, He gives us enough to give to everyone, a hundred times.
I have no idea how to take care of myself. I can say that I know how to waste time on the computer and I guess that's pretty selfish, but otherwise, i just don't know. I spend ALL my time with Kayleigh this summer, as trevor has me in a position that he's working a ton and I am NOT working, so he gets all this time to just be an adult, and I get hardly any.
One of the reasons I let Jason and Kayleigh meet so soon is because i was getting guilt trips from everyone babysitting her. i don't have a paid babysitter, so i have to endure guilt trips from family whenever I ask to have someone watch her...Jason let me HAVE ME time and enjoy it (with him)for the first time since May when trevor and i broke up. For the first time in three months, i was having fun. For the first time in three months it wasn't work, kayleigh, work, kayleigh.
Not that I don't love my daughter, but this 90%-10% split of time is COMPLETELY unfair. He lives three doors down, and I can see right now, at 12:30 PM he is home. Today was supposedly an EARLY work day.
(well, it could be his girlfriend has his car, but he told me yesterday she doesn't even have her licence!)
So there's some serious inequity and I have nowhere to go where I can give kayleigh some time with others without feeling like a jerk for it. Just letting her see Jason and I was a lot easier than trying to talk someone into watching her for a few hours and getting a talk about how selfish this is of me.
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Coookie (08/09/06 11:31 AM)
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I can totally understand where your coming from! I split with my Boyf of nearly 4 years 6 months ago and a few weeks ago I got talking to this guy I know through my ex, he used to play football with him so they were sort of mates, well he asked to take me out, but being a bit wary I gave him my phone number and said to think about it (because of his friendship with my ex!) and if he still wanted to then yeah fine, well this was on a friday night, the next morning he said he'd thought about it and could he take me out in the week. So I said sure, fine, let me know when your free...
Well he never named a date but kinda stayed in contact through texts, then I saw him out the following weekend in town and he was being all attentive and stuff and we all went clubbing together, well I was driving (us IBS'ers cant drink!) and I dropped him home and he said wanna come in for a bit, so I said ok just for 10 minutes. Well we had a kiss and then he wanted to try and get me into bed, ofcourse I refused (I'm not that kind of girl!) He was fine about it and even kissed me goodbye on the doorstep.
Well after that I hardly heard from him, then I text him a few days later to see how he is and.... get this..... he tells me he felt really guilty about 'us' because my ex is his friend!!! Hmmm well dont think that was playing on his conscience when he was trying to get me into bed! Well needless to say that was the end of that.
However I can totally relate to how your feeling, It almost made me want him more! I gave myself a good talking to and realised that it was just because it felt like another rejection! We all want the unobtainable, what we cant have! He was the first person since my ex that made me feel excited again, made me wannna get glammed up, made me want to have fun, he (briefly) injected some excitement into my life and I realised that was what I was craving, not him!
Try to step back from the situation and see if its actually just him the person you want or if its just the way he makes you feel about yourself, it might be that he's just ignited something in you, that you dont necessarily need to rely upon him or anyone but yourself for!
Dont wait for him, do the things you enjoy that make you happy and fulfilled and if he comes back, great, then make room for him in your life if you still want to.
And most of all shannon, keep your chin up x x x
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I'm really lucky because both sets of grandparents are within 10 minutes away. They're always happy to babysit. But do I ever say, hey, I need a day! NO!!!! And they're grandparents for heaven's sake!!!!
I'm with the kids 24/7. My husband comes home, says good night to them, spends maybe 10 minutes with them (not his fault - he works late), but he spends the ENTIRE weekend and the rest of the nights playing computer games. So, on the weekend, I'm like, well, I have 10 loads of laundry, plus I'm looking after the kids and all I'd like is an hour to myself and you're sitting on your a$$ playing computer for 16 hours a day????????? ARGGRRRRRGGGGGH!!!!!!!
I would speak up to Trev. Tell him that you need healing time, and he needs to spend more time withKay.
I know, I love my children, and I'm the luckiest gal in the world to be able to sty home with them, but I'm human!!!
I NEEED A BREAK!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile, I'm thinking, oh, only onemore year till Quinlan goes to JK so I'll have some time to myself, so just suffer through. WHY? I have major mental problems that aren't going to go away until I do something about them.
Well, this has turned into quite the little rant.
Love my babies with all my heart. Need a break. 
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Hey Cookie,
I think I have to agree with hohoyumyum. I know you've said you've prayed and you would like God to give you a solid "sign". Perhaps you are already following the path that has been set for you. Maybe you need to find yourself first before you can have a successful relationship.
I've prayed for many things in my life, most especially guidance when things got a little rough. I can honestly tell you that there was a time when I thought my prayers were never heard. But while DH was tranferred to Alberta, I ended up working for a Catholic School Board. We had weekly prayers, and I even attended a couple of masses. It was enlightening....and it felt "right". Kindof like a Dr. Phil "lightbulb moment"..lol
What I learned through this experience was that God always answers you, you may not see the path right away. Its the journey that will give you your answers, when your ready. I believe your retreat was the start of your journey. I truly believe faith, strength, and a some patience will benefit you right now.
I wish you nothing but the best for your future, with whomever that may be.
Take care
Claudia
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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away
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Oh hunny...I do think you deserve time too!
And you sound soooo centred for someone struggling with as many chemical imbalances as you have!
I love you!
And yes, Trevor's taking her tomorrow, and Friday OVERNIGHT...yessssss so I may get a BIKERIDE in and even a night out with my girlfriends!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Claudia
#277817 - 08/09/06 11:26 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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Thank you. that was great...I appreciate it. yes, you are right. i believe my journey has begun now. i'm not saying I'm at the end by any means. LOL!
And maybe the frying pan voer the head approach is not what God's giving me because I need to do the thinking and have the patience. Sigh...the irony is...
I've been waiting since 2002 for this teaching position(it's only till christmas) and then I'll have to wait some more to get into a full year contract NOT attached to anyone.
I waited and am waiting longer now to hve another child. I ahve been waiting since I was about 5 years old to find the right guy....and even married the WRONG one and got a great parting gift in the process....I thought I'd have it figured out by now....having dated like 30 plus people in my life.
And now I wait for my puzzle pieces to fit. I ahve the self esteem, I have the closure I so desperately sought for so much of my past and my marriage...but I'm still waiting for that security in teaching career and that man I can love for decades and who will love me back for decades....
I don't even EXPECT forever anymore...Just, you know.. some seurity in this life. i've had so many struggles, and delat with so much neglect and abuse in my life...I'm ready for someone to treat me as Jason did...for that short time.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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I have gone through similar, but not as extreme a situation as you seem to have. I woke up one day and thought, "when was the last time I had my hair cut at a salon? painted my nails? sat on the deck and read a book?" Then I also thought about not taking as good of care of myself physically, too. But that's a different post...
take care of yourself. Make ME TIME. Find the balance. Remember that phrase, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!"
I like your car analogy. That's a good one. You have to find that balance, or, like it or not, it does affect the way you act towards others. I've been there. This is not coming out as eloquently as I'd like, but what I'm trying to say is that if your husband is on his a$$ with the computer, say, "I'm going out to the mall. Be back in a few hours. Make sure you feed the kids." Wake-up call to him, do you think?
Just some thoughts. Take care of yourself, inside and out. Do things that make you feel good, worthy, attractive and happy!
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It's never too late to be what you might have been.
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I got to go to the bank and talk about a consolidation loan, and after that Ig ot to listen to some music. that was recharge enough. Unfortunately, it's NOT Trevor who has kayleigh but his mom because Trevor is working. Augh.
yes, I still have some frustration to get out about him before i devote myself, I suppose, to a new man. Jason may have done me, and himself a favor.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thanks, girl. Will try to take some time forME this weekend. Won't give hub and option. Just gonna grab the keys and say bye!
Took the kids to the water park this morning and had a blast. It was nice to sit in a lounge chair and veg! while kids splashed around.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Atta girl!
#278017 - 08/11/06 10:57 AM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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Get your ROAR on!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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