Irritable Bowel Syndrome Message Boards | Ahh... i just came back from a self-imposed retreat...

kayleigh was away with her grandparents this weekend so i took it upon myself to GO somewhere(this is very unlike me) just pick somewhere on the map and GO.
So, I went on a vision quest. I got in my car and told it to take me wherever.

I ended up in a Boston Pizza, in Calgary, laughing my face off with an old friend! We visited a few hours, then I slept over at her place, then i got in the car and drove again, wherever the road did lead... to this place in the mountains called Kananaskis. I found this lake called Boundary Lake.

It was GORGEOUS. The weather was BEAUTIFUL. The lake was AMAZING. It was actually a place Jason told me i have to go some day in my life....and wouldn't you know there were CYCLISTS EVERYWHERE which was torture because I know Jason was cycling in the mountains somewhere this weekend too....

Anyhow, i sat down and wrote, and wrote and wrote. It got hot, so I (LMAO@myself) tore the sleeves off my shirt (Never done that before either!) and sat in the sunshine along the shore of the lake. I only had my crappy camera phone but took a few pictures. It's glacial so it's so clear and soooooo pretty.

Anyhow, during my Vision Quest, I talked and wrote and prayed about everyhting related to me, my family, Kayleigh, Trevor and Jason. Pretty much came to terms with everything. I am so at peace with Trevor being gone I can't even think of something mean to say right now. Well, except the obvious!

But seriously, i forgave him for 100 things.

Anyhow, I found the most profound thing in this whole event was that I forgave myself for everything in my past...things that were'nt my fault, things that I should ahve known better, things I DID know better, and all the rash decisions I made in love, ..aka falling for Trevor and accepting a proposal the day after we first said I love you...which was AFTER we first slept together...which was less than three months into the relationship. So when I say I am taking things slowly, pretty much anything is slower than it was with Trevor.

And I am at peace with ME, and with Trevor and I not working out. I knew when we met it wasn't going to be forever. I just never wanted to say anything because I wanted the fairytale badly enough and so did he.

I also made sense to myself what it is about Jason that makes me sooooo crazy about him already, and am at peace that if he returns, it will be something spectacular, but if he doesn't, (though I really believe he will, don't ask me why I think that but something in me says he will.)I am WHOLE in and of myself without a man, and I WILL find true love some day, regardless.

So I'm far less melancholy. And far more accepting of myself. I can say for the first time in my life, I love myself.

I can't even begin to tell you how liberating that is.I get now that it doesn't require a significant other to have fun and adventure in your life. That is the coolest thing.... I sung my heart out in my car and rendered my voice hoarse, too.

Ahhhh...

By the way...the wildest thing happened...when I left hereI was sooo BLUE, and it was POURING rain. I thought I'd stop where the rain stopped. I started feeling better around where it stopped raining, as well...it stopped in calgary and it's been blue skies ever since, even here...and I have a good sunburn,lol!

Oh, did I say I've lost 23 pounds this summer? Hello!

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Keep on keepin' on...

Edited by Coookie (08/05/06 08:23 PM)

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