Aaa!Help! Need advice!
#274163 - 07/15/06 02:24 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I don't know what to feel! I've been chatting with this guy and he really wants to meet, and...the scary thing is....so do I! And I really think he's probably great!
Should I? I'd meet in public. We've been emailing several times a day for the last week and seriously have so much in common, on a deep level. i'm so freaked out because my heart's saying why not and my head is saying ARE YOU MAD?
Meanwhile my ex is boinking the same girl and brought her into bed with our daughter...so why should I feel guilt? Not that I intend on hopping into bed with anyone. he's a Catholic and Im a Christian girl now too...
what do you think??? He's really cute, and is a single dad with a 2 y.o daughter, sep[arated for 1 1/2 years...(since my daughter was 2 y.o...weird.)
please advise me!I'd meet in public and take it slow but should I?? Am I getting wrapped up in this because I'm hurting? He knows where I am and doens't want to push anything.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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I would wait. Your husband could use it against you. A friend of mine had a judge that sided completely with her husband even though he was leadig a double life, etc. If he cares he will wait. Of course, I am also 30 years older than you and an old fart, so who am I to give advice?
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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I'd wait, too. If this man wants to be friends with you, that's fine. But I have to wonder if you have had time to grieve the relationship that is lost, even if it wasn't an ideal one. It was your life for a long while. Take it slow and take care of yourself for a while.
BUT, there is nothing wrong with chatting with people and having a little flirt. Just be sure to maintain some distance.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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just be friends for now, if nothing else than just until this mess with your husband is better sorted out so it can't be used against you. He should be understanding somewhat since he's been through separation himself, and there is nothing wrong with being friends first!
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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I know it looks like I'm rushing to date someone. It must. I think though, that because Trevor lives three doors down, because of the serious crap he has pulled in such a short time and because of the freakiness of the whole situation, I am getting over him faster than others would. It's sort of life in fast forward. We have everything but the legalities sorted out and he is paying the bills still, and the dust has settled basically. I'm not wanting to kill him every time I see him, and not hiding when he brings his girlfriend in front of my house anymore. It's life in a fishbowl here but I cannot deny or refuse to deal with reality.
We were together for six years, but happy, really happy, for one. He's neglected me for four years, and never said too much for kind words in the last three years. Because of that we were emotionally divorced, but I was in denial about that.
That is why I am even considering meeting this guy. it wouldn't be for at least a week anyhow. I guess I'm just considering phoning him.
Sigh, my list that I was writing for the counsellor of what i'll find in a man is him to a T. that's why I don't want him to get away. You're right, if he's really that into me, he will wait.
He's off in another province visiting family and keeps making excuses to check his e-mail to write me this last few days. Sigh, what to do.....
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I think it's ok to get to know this guy as friends...just go slow with EVERYTHING. If he's real antsy to get physical or real deep really fast...well, then you don't want that anyway right?
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Hey there!
I only have a minute to pop in but as much as I know you don't want to hear it, you've gotten good advice here. I never wanted to hear it either and I didn't listen. It's truly not until you're totally outside of the situation (years later) that you'll look back and KNOW you weren't ready. You'll wonder what you were in such a hurry for and wished you had just slowed down and worked on yourself. That's ME and some of my friends to a T. No one ever realizes what they're dealing with until they've made a mistake they regret. Please trust me on that one.
Go ahead and talk to him. Write. Some time see him. But try very hard to keep things casual. Trevor CAN use this against you (as someone else had said). Because if you want to bring up all that he's done (going out with chicky before divorce) he can just use your dating as an example that either you do the same or that it doesn't matter to you.
You have a life time to find someone else. In my experience it takes a good month of dating someone to realize they're not that "perfect match" that you thought they were. And then you'll wonder why you rushed. Please, please play it slow. I'm happy that you feel you've moved on but just know from the people here that have done it before you....you have much more healing to do.
All said with only the best intentions....
Lauren
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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I do and I will do everything I can to take everything slow...but we have talked now and he seems so beyond everything I've ever looked for, already. I know I have work to do on me, and I am at a place where I don't want to use Trevor's stuff against him anymore but wouldn't be privy to telling anyone about this except my family.
I am one of those people though, that once I know I've been defeated in a battle, I pack up and get my stuff outta there ASAP. It's always been like that in relationships too. I know I'm still hurting though, and because of that I don't want to rush ANYTHING with this guy. And he's really mature and very understanding of that, so I know if he thinks it's worth it he will wait for me... he's got his whole head figured out by the sounds of it.
Anyhow, I will keep you all updated ok? I'll be very very careful, I swear. 
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Sigh,
#274201 - 07/16/06 12:55 AM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I don't want to get physical at all yet. But he is emotionally deep and open which I have never seen in a man before, at least not in one who seems as secure as this guy does. I'm actually a really good judge of character, believe it or not. Trevor was the perfecct man for the 24 year old me. Unfortunately, he still is perfect for the 24 year old me.
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It's nice to feel wanted and special, but sweetie, take your time. You were hurt very badly and I don't want to see you make a mistake because you are hurt. I wish you the best, no matter what you decision is though.
Cassandra
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Hi there,
I think it's really nice that you've found someone to chat to and that it is making you feel good about yourself, but I would definitely definitely wait until your divorce is final before you get involved in any kind of relationship that could be construed as romantic.
I think that Trevor could, and from his past behaviour probably *would*, use whatever he can against you to get more custody of your daughter. It's not fair to her to say that because he did it, so can you.
From the replies to other people's posts, you seem pretty convinced that going for it is what you'll do, so I guess we can't talk you out of it.  But I'd just agree with others and if you must, do so very cautiously. You don't want to regret it later if it effects the rest of your life (re: divorce settlement, custody). You know what the say about an ounce of prevention..
Good luck with everything!
**hugs**
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Cookie,
I want you to know I think you have a great head on your shoulders. I know you are looking at this though every angle available to you. However, you will discover some day what we're all talking about. Because of what you've been through, this seems to be a great fix. But you have to know that right now, no matter how much talking you've done with this guy, you're still wearing rose-colored glasses.
I know where you're at and I know what you're feeling and I'm sure you're frustrated because you're not getting the responses you want. And b/c I've been there, my guess is that you'll do it anyway. But the last thing I'll post in this area is to just not get your daughter involved. Just don't do it. Just put it out of your head. Just tell yourself that no matter what happens with this guy, that you won't even introduce them to each other (even under the disguise of friends) for a minimum of 6 months. Make yourself that promise and I can tell you that you won't be sorry.
You may not want "revenge" any more but that doesn't mean that he won't be out to get YOU. Regardless, because Trevor has done the wrong thing, unfair as it is, you have to be vigilant in being the one that does the RIGHT thing. ALL the time! Some day your daughter will know all about what happened and she will be thankful that you never said an unkind word about her dad in front of her and that you did the right thing.
I don't want to sound like the bitter old gal here and I'm sure that's how I seem so now that I've said my peace, I'll give it a rest.
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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It isn't what I want to hear,thats ok too... and I do have my ideas, but there is certainly no way in HELL I would bring Kayleigh into anything for eons, at least 6 months. No way no how. I am thinking of her needs first, don't you even think about worrying about that.
I do NOT want Trevor to even be AWARE of it if I was to go on a date. He has told me recently, however, that he wants me to get out there and date, and he'd be fine with me introducing a guy to his kid, as long as he treats us both well. I said "What, you actually want someone to treat me good?" and he said absolutely, he wants to see me happy in a relationship that's good for me.
That being said, I know there's anger there in him still and if I did date this guy, i would keep it from Trevor a while because I wouldn't want him to have ammo against me in court. I'm planning on starting divorce proceedings soon if we can.My dad has offered to fund it and we pay him back. And I am documenting EVERYTHING Trevor says to have on hand just in case.
Of course, if I did date this guy, then I guess it makes my argument about trevor cheating null and void. He's been good and paid everything he needed to on time for us, and has been very there for his daughter, even bringing her to work and taking her at 4:30 Am every day so I can work.I've never really doubted his dedication to his daughter, I've just sometimes questioned his maturity in thinking things through. I think now that most of the insanity has subsided with us, he will be a devoted and good dad, albeit slightly less than before.
I am amazed that things got as ugly as it did with us but I feel very at peace with the whole thing.....not because of this new interest, but because my dad came up for a week and butted heads with me on everything I defended trevor for, and FORCED me to see where trevor really is. It's not worth it for me to be angry. it's only worth it for me to make sure he pays child support, that we have a fair agreement, and that MY happiness is paramount.
By the way...
Maybe it's rose colored glasses but I do wear them a lot. I am one of those girls who sometimes learns best the hard way. 
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Keep on keepin' on...
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