wedding ettique question
#270113 - 06/19/06 02:14 PM
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Dajara
Reged: 12/01/05
Posts: 347
Loc: Medicine Hat. AB. CAN
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I understand that this is the place to put all non-ibs related questions.. Well, this has nothing to do with ibs what so ever and i see that there is a large amount of females on this board so here is my question...
I'm getting married in june/07. When is the proper time to send out invitations, when is the best time to have rsvps back by, and what is the best way to say *pls give us money not gifts*??? (We are kinda unique and most of our family would more than likely get us gifts that we would have no use for.. I precidt something like, 4 toasters, 3 blenders, <and a partrige in a pear tree> haha)
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You can try doing something like setting up an account for monetary gifts and stating on the invitations that if people would like to present a gift to the couple, please do so by contibuting to your financial stability, blah, blah, something like that. I'm not much help with the invite timing. My husband and I eloped and told his parents 3 days before we went. But I would imagine that the RSVP needs to be in time to allow you to have the needed time to plan. And I would give people about a month to get back to me. That should be long enough for them to make their own arrangements.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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1) invitations should be sent out around two months before the event -- 6-8 weeks-ish.
2) You'll want your RSVPs in as soon as possible -- this is mainly for getting final counts to the caterer as everything else you'll pretty much have to guess ahead of time. If you want your RSVPs to come back, make sure that you make it as easy for them as possible, i.e. a stamped and pre-addressed envelope with a card that they just have to check off if they're coming or not.
3) There is no classy way to say "give me money." And I don't recommend doing it except with close friends and family. Most people still frown upon registration cards in wedding invitations, let alone saying you want cash instead of gifts. but -- I got married two years ago and most people asked our families what we wanted anyway, so they got us stuff from our registry. The people who didn't know our families to ask and didn't ask us directly typically gave us cash or gift cards anyway. I think we really only ended up with a couple gifts that we didn't want. But, we invited these people so they could share in one of the most important days of our lives, not so they'd give us gifts. (OK, and some of them we invited because we were emotionally blackmailed by our parents, but whatever.) You probably won't end up caring too much even if you did get toasters. And if you do have to donate crappy wedding presents to Goodwill's, you can always get a receipt and deduct them from your taxes.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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I'm in the process of wedding planning right now and even bought "Wedding Planning for Dummies" and they concur with Jen who said wedding invitations should be sent out about 6-8 weeks in advance. If you have a lot of travelling guests Save The Date cards are recommended as well...and are usually sent anywhere from 6 months to a year in advance depending on how far people will be travelling.
My book says there is no way to politely ask for money, and also frowns on registries in the invitations. Best recommedation I've gotten so far is to let people in the wedding party and close family know you would prefer money (and/or where you are registered) and that way when people ask them (and I'm sure they will) they can relay the information. That way it doesn't come across as tacky and you hopefully get what you want.
A great site to check out is www.theknot.com It's a great wedding resource and has loads of good info on etiquette among other things.
Good luck!
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I would say get your invitations out by early March to give people enough time to respond. If you're getting married in June, leave enough time that you can have a few days of leeway, like a week, and then still have time for the caterer to have their final number.
So I would say early May, depending on when the caterer wants their number.
Secondly, for showers and such, you can just tastefully tell who is givin gthe shower that you would prefer gift certificates to your favourite store/ or even travel agent nowadays. I know of a couple who got married later in life, and registered with a travel agency to help pay for their honeymoon - what a neat idea!
Another thing that you can do is say "gift suggestions call......" and then have that person tell them you prefer cash. I think it's a bit tacky to say bluntly in the invitation that you want cash only, but you can put it on a separate card in the invitation that you are saving for X and would appreciate contributions to the fund for it.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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First, congratulations!! I didn't know you were getting married!! June is the perfect month for a wedding 
This post is right up my alley!! Ask me anything!!
1. Yes, everyone is right - 6 to 8 weeks before is when to send out your invitations. There are a few exceptions - 6 weeks before my wedding was Good Friday. I waited until the Tuesday after to post them. (If you're Catholic, it's apparently a faux pas to send out wedding invites during Lent ? I'm not Catholic so I'm just going on what I was told by my m-i-l )
Allow 2 - 3 weeks for replies. If its formal, ensure you include your self addressed, stamped reply card & envelope. Or, informal you can have phone or email reply. Give yourself 2 to 3 weeks before the big day to have all of your numbers into the caterer. Someone always cancels at the last minute too. Most caterers will adjust if there is only 1 or 2 people and it is a sit down (mine was).
2. Money. It's not nice, but you can put, in small letters on the wedding invite - presentation preferred - It works, and in this day and age it is happening more and more. Or, like someone else said, do you have a favorite shop you can register at. I registered at Sears and Home Outfitters, and requested gift cards on my registery. Another idea is - presentation towards XXXX - we were going to put bedroom suit but decided against it. Most people will be okay with it. Your old blue haired aunties will still make you a blue, pink and black quilt for your bed even still!! (My auntie Marg did! But I still love her for it!) My best suggestion is to register for a few items you know you will want / need - towels, linens, dishes. Especially for your shower. It doesn't have to be a lot either - I just did a small registery, and ask everyone to include the gift receipts. This way, if you don't like it, you can always get store credit! (Worked for me!)
Um, what else? Uh, yes, in your shower invites you can say if you are registered / wanting cash and where. It's not completely faux pas.
The stuff to worry about right now, as its a year before - your dress. Find or arrange your dressmaker if you haven't already. Book your place and your photographer, they book up early for June weddings. You also need a JP or minster / priest.
Start looking at your rings, shoes, invites at 6 months ahead. Plus you music (if any) if you are having a shag (social) should be booked too.
Get the m-o-h and wedding party outfitted by 3 or so months before - sooner if you have to order in dresses etc.
Get the groomsmen and groom dress 6 weeks to a month before.
And RELAX. It seems overwhelming and I know it is. I pray you have an awesome m-o-h or sister etc to help you!!
Plan for everything to fall apart in one way or another at least once. DON'T STRESS!! (I did waaaaaayyyyy toooo much - I'll share my left overs with you!!) AND HAVE FUN PLANNING!!!!!
Happy Wedding Planning!!
Cassandra
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Thanks all for replying... Here is kinda whats going on at our wedding.. (PS I warn again that my fiance and I are not normal people... Just remember that fact)
We pretty much have most of it planned out.. Not having a shower though (unfortunatly) I don't have any female friends and my mother decided to move to Nova Scotia(she even asked if it would be ok if she didn't show up... but thats a touchy subject)
We are doing a quick 15min. JP ceremony in the hotel room, and then having a reception for our family.. (We don't have any friends that would be part of the wedding party, plus we are trying to go as non-conventional as possible)
My dress is so gorgeous and I get to pick it up in a couple weeks. It's a two piece(top and skirt) the top is going to be a corset in black chinese silk with a red dragon pattern (and a red ribbon going down the front) the skirt is going to be either black velvet or black satin with a pannel of the chinese silk going down the front.. The rings that we are getting are called Mokume (made in the same style as japanese katanas)
http://www.mokume-gane.com/ (rings)
https://secure.dns77.com/www_barbiesshop_com/cart/product_info.php?cPath=26&products_id=81 (skirt)
For our honeymoon we are going to banff for a couple days then calgary for a few more days. It's going to be great. We are getting married on June 2nd/2007 (we were going to do it on the 4th which would be our five year ann. but the 4th is a monday) We got engaged on my bday in dec 04. (He couldn't think of what to get me for my bday so he gave me the gift of him)
once i figure out how to add pics to my posts i will have to add some after the wedding. i'm excited.... (being a chronic planner, I have everything booked that needs to be, just have to do the little things, like decorations, deciding on a cake, flowers, and the most fun part, lingerie haha)
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You sounds like we did!! Non-conventional - but Thomas' aunts threw me a shower. We had 15 guests, all were immediate family except my grandma's best friend, who is just like another grandma to me. We got married outside, had drinks, then dinner. Everyone was gone by 9 pm and we were in the jacuzzi tub by 9:30!! Good for you!! You do not have to conform to the "norm" - we didn't! We do have to have a drop-in get-together at my grandma's July 8th so everyone who didn't get invited to the wedding can come say hello. It's a small sacrifice!
You sound like you know what you are doing, carry on and post if you have any other questions!
BTW are you making your own invites or having them made?
Cassandra
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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(nt)
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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I'm really not sure. I don't know what would be best..
What did you guys end up doing? (I don't even know what kind of place in medicine hat would make them in the first place..) What kind of wedding cake type thing did you end up going with?? Odds are if we did get a cake it would be more so for the family as I proably shouldn't eat any of it and my fiance doesn't like cake..
How excatly did you guys do the wording on the invites?? Would it be best to include the childrens names on the invites? (my bother's each have kids that would more than likely come out as well)
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Hi Dajara!
Congratulations, wedding planning is both fun and stressful. I got married last September so a lot of this is still fresh in my mind too. Kelly recommended theknot.com and it's excellent for all wedding relate things.
If you want to invite the children then put their names on the invitations
We ordered our invitations as neither of us had time to make them, plus I am a perfectionist and not good enough at putting things together ie I wouldn't have been able to do it to the standard that I wanted. It is really nice and personal to make them yourself if you are creative, such a lovely personal touch to your big day.
We had cake and I cheated and had a little and it was amazing..lemon sponge..mm! (we had a chocolate and baileys layer and 2 lemon sponge layers, all with white chocolate icing..mmmm!)
Our invitation wording was:
Jane Bloggs and Joe Soap
together with their families
would like to invite
<insert names of guests>
to join them in celebrating their marriage
to join them in celebrating the marriage of their daughter
Georgina with Mr. Nigel Richardson
at
on Saturday, date 2007 at 2.30 p.m.
and afterwards at a reception in
The Hotel, Nameoftown
We wanted to do the inviting ourselves but included our families (some people include parents or parent's names, but that got tricky for us due to family situations)
Don't worry about what people consider "normal"- your wedding day is about you. Our wedding was pretty conventional but had our own touches that made it personal and special to us. You seem really organised, your dress sounds really cool.
My wedding skirt was a similar shape only in ivory silk and with stitching going diagonally across, it was soo comfy to wear.
Your rings are really cool too.
Make the day about you and how much you love your hubby to be, that's what weddings are all about, that's what's normal
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S.
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Dajara
#270308 - 06/21/06 04:39 AM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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We made, or actually, I made the invitations. My former maid-of-honour / best friend was supposed to help, but she and her husband and their son dropped out of the wedding in Feb. So I said screw it and made them myself. I'm not a really fancy person, so I bought the invitation kit - it just had gold swirls at the top and bottom and I worded it, no pictures or icons. Email me your email addy and I will be happy to send along the sample. cmkossila@shaw.ca I only needed 9 invites, so having them made, with the reply cards and menu cards (sit-down), was unreasonable, as most places here had a minimum order of 25! Um, I need 9, what do I do with the other 14? Wallpaper the bathroom? My wording was simple too, I found it on the internet, as I did a lot of my stuff.
For the cake, we have an awesome bakery here, I had a 14 inch heart cake made and delivered to the inn. My 79 year old grandma, my mom and I also made the traditional fruit cake in January and set that for seasoning until the end of May. Then we sliced it, put the marzapan on it and packaged it up in the doilies. (Had to have something traditional - my grandma is the cornerstone of our family and she is very traditional - I love her to pieces!)
We had a ton of cakes left over, so I took some to my mom and brought a lot to work and Thomas managed the rest. I was fine eating the cake as long as I didn't have the icing. You should have a small cake at least so you can have pictures!! And no, we did not smush it on each other's face. I think that is disgraceful!
Let me know what ever else you need! I'm happy to help!!
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Re: Looove the rings!
#270309 - 06/21/06 04:40 AM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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Absolutely! Ours are great, yours are awesome!!I'll have to post my pic of ours on my site (soon....)
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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as mom to a new bride..
planning is key but it sounds like you are on it.. nothing ever goes perfectly, but thats ok, if you've planned enough it will all work out beautifully anyway..
there is plenty of good advice here.. if you want $$ as gifts, well many give that anyway.. you're better off registering for at least some things as there are always people who won't give $$ to anyone and that way the gifts you do get will be things you'll like!
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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So what is the most tactful way to go about mentioning a registry? I mean, don't get me wrong, we aren't getting married just for the gifts or anything like that, and if I have come across that way I do apologize I'm just not sure how to go about certain things..
After reading all the posts it got me thinking that maybe we should get a registry or something. (Could always use some household items after all) Also thinking that things like gift certificates from the local grocery store or something to that extent might be good too.. (Yay practicality) <Sigh> I mean, I know people do registrys, it's quite common.. I worked at Stokes and tons of people came in for those kinds of things.. Like I said, this is just something that they don't really deal with on bridal shows on TLC haha
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Sounds very cool and love the rings and your outfit sounds very pretty! I'm a bit of a non conformist as well so I think your plans sound marvelous!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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just go into the store of your choice.. talk to someone that works there and they will set you up.
you carry around a little scanner gun throughout the store and scan what you want/need into the registry. Plus, I know most stores (such as my faves pottery barn/crate and barrell) will give you a discount on any items that you register for and don't recieve after your wedding. Because of that, some of my friends registered for dining room sets, bedroom sets etc that they knew they wouldn't recieve, but that they were able to get themselves at 25% off because it was on their registry. You can also register for a few things, and also put on your registry that you'd also like gift cards (i've had friends who have done that).
Think of the places you want gift cards too (ie target, bed bath and beyond, linens and things, I think even walmart does registry now) and register for a few things there.
As for the ettiquete.. i'm not too sure, but most of my friends have attached something with the invitation that said the bride and groom are registered at (crate and barrell, store name, and store name etc etc etc). Out of the 4 weddings i've gone to in the last year, all four have mentioned their registry in the invite (not on the actual invitation, but on a seperate piece of paper enclosed with the invite.)
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According to etiquette, you're not supposed to include registry information in wedding invitations but it's okay in shower invitations. It's okay in shower invites gifts are the purpose of a shower.
However, if you're not having a shower, that does make it difficult, doesn't it?  You can also do it by word of mouth if you don't want to put the registry info. in the wedding invitation. Tell people if they ask, or tell the person(s) who your guests might ask if they don't ask you directly.
By the way, your dress sounds beautiful. I loved my wedding gown, but sometimes I wish I'd done something less traditional than ivory. On the other hand, my gown had a halter bodice, which is decidedly untraditional for me.
And our caketopper involved squirrels. 
Have fun!
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Yay squirrls... I was hoping to find one that i could put pantball masks on the bride and groom (we are avid paintball players) but the only ones i found were going to cost way way too much.. (about 2000) So thats ok.. it was a neat idea...
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I did the majority of my wedding stuff myself, and I made my cake topper. I have this strange fascination with Little People (the ones they stopped making in the 80s or so because they were actually Little Choking Hazards), so I dressed up two Little People from my collection as a bride and groom:
I don't have any digital color pics, unfortunately, this is the best I've got. The groom was originally a LP with a green body -- I painted it black and put the little bowtie and bib on front. The bride was originally a LP with a blue body -- I used scrap fabric to create a wedding dress and veil.
My husband thought I was really weird but eventually agreed to let me do it, and actually, everyone told me how cute it was (and probably thinking inwardly, "What a freak", but whatever, it was MY day and I could be a freak if I wanted!!!).
Ahhh, I really miss all of the wedding craft stuff!! Makes me want to get out my tulle and glue gun again.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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for 15 years and aren't registeries for your wedding Shower????? I never heard of registering for a actual wedding gift. Don't get me wrong, I wanted money also as a wedding gift and I am also one of those people that GIVE money as wedding gifts but I personally think it's tacky to say anything about a gift in a wedding invitation. You are always gonna have your "elderly" people that insist on gifts because they are from the old school and don't believe in giving money. To be very honest with you one gift I got from a great Aunt was a Lenox candy dish. I openend it, put it back in the box and put it in my hope chest for later in life. What the heck was I gonna do with a dressy Lenox candy dish at the age of 23??? My house was decorated contemporary, that dish would not match at all. Years went by, my taste changed and I came across the dish and was like OMG I own a piece of LENOX?!?!? I took it out and set it on our end table and was so proud of it. I even cherish it more now that my Aunt has since passed away.
I guess the moral to my story is, yes money is nice to have because you can spend it however, but gifts are also nice too since they can have meaning.
Congrats on your getting married and good luck with the planning 
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~~~Lisa~~~
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My music teacher (who is the greatest friend ever) is getting married this summer, and this is how she did it.
She included a separate pice of paper with a map to the church and reception hall, and on the back, a list of written directions, accommodations around town and at the bottom all the registry info.
It says:
The best gift to us is your presence at our wedding. However, if you cannot be persuaded that your presence is enough, here are a few ideas. We have just bought a house and dream of having a swimming pool. For this reason, we are starting a 'pool fund', to which you can contribute. We are also registered at the Bay, Pier 1, etc, etc.
It's a delicate and more polite way of putting it.
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A few notes- a) registries can be listed per ettiquette on seperate papers in shower invites, etc.. but not in the wedding invites.. people do that today anyway, but..
b) traditionally it was word of mouth- let your mothers, etc know where you are registered and when someone asks what to get you then they can be pointed in the right direction..
Good luck!
Amie
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Add me to the list of people who don't think it's very polite to ask for money on an invitation. Even if it's on there really tiny and very pretty looking it's still very forward. Spread the word to family/friends by mouth that Money is what you need. Gifts you don't need you can return or exchange. This is a good "miss manners" question though.
Rings are beautiful!
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I registered for my shower and then at my wedding I received gifts from my registry too. My grandparents thought it would be nice to make sure I had all of the registry stuff I wanted - and it was! Plus, like everyone has said, not everyone will give $$$, some prefer to give a gift.
Cassandra
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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I had those little people!! They were called Fisher Price people over here. That blue lady was really curvy with a blonde ponytail. I called mine Maria. I had the green man too. Remember the green boy with the one curl on his head? and the little red girl with blonde hair and a white collar? I loved them all.
We boring people had this as our cake topper, our florist made it.
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S.
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