Please help. New shrink appt-- HELP!
#269143 - 06/13/06 11:01 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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My shrink appointment apporaches this evening. IT HAS RUINED MY DAY thinking about it. 
This is the free clinic guy who cancelled in April, then cancelled in May. It's june and now I have to face this sschmo to rehash my situation in the 45 minute lightening round. NOT looking forward to it, least of all today.
How do I start this thing? I hate my parents? Shall we forayinto the sex abuse right away? My crappy quality of life/not finding real joy in the moment EVER, or the severe poverty + abject neglact that's honed me into the brave funny self-loathing person I am today. Or the constant agonizing pain of IBS?
OK< DEEP BREATH.
I am shaking in fear over this. Not great because my gran died last week, plus today's the bday of my best friend from high school stricken down in his 20's by a fast moving lymphoma. Why today of alll days? 
I'm planning to do the IBS routine, stress that I am in need of quality of life, I was a high functining exec before I became incapacitated with fibro (at least so much so that I can't do the 9-5 workplace anymore). Then I'll wait with bated breath to see if he's a believer in these conditions, then go from there. 
MAN. What gets me is that the free GI I see told me I'd have to see a shrink because looking over my chart I "might be depressed." Hm, random life-altering pain attacks for 30 years, no energy or drive, no joy? Depressed? Sure I'll take the pill. Oh but wait, I've taken em already and they make me suicidal. Ever been a cutter?
Happy medium please? Possibly a morphine drip in one arm, an Imodium drip in the other, and regulated consumptions of chocolate pudding cake round the clock should do the trick.
~nelly~ (masking her fear with a visual joke)
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Nelly, as soon as I walk into those kinds of appointments my head goes blank. I get woozy headed and breathless and have a laugh attack. Can you type notes on a cue card? That's what I ususally do. Often, reduced to a shell of a woman by anxiety, I sound like an idiot no matter what. Generally I spend a lot of time either vomitting or having D attacks prior to the appointment. Yes, shrinks turn me into a human wet noodle.
I am not helpful, I know--I empathize and well...cue cards are what I do. Usually though...the shrink has her/his own "style" and we take it from there.
Generally I blank out during session number one.
Kate.
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Do you have to go see this "new shrink"? Doesn't sound like you are ready to speak with him. Is he a doctor or a therapist? And yes, I have a number of friends who have been cutters. I work 2 or 3 days a week with a church sponsored narcotics anonymous group.
You sound good to me ... I enjoy reading your posts.
If you can ride an elephant and enjoy it this will be a breeze.
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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I hope it was better than you feared.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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I went an hour early just in case. I broke out crying, got yelled at being in the 'administrative area' instead of in the waiting room (where they'd moved me because I was bawling), the doctor who hadn't shown up the previous 2 months just came in and out, and tried to push me some SSRIS which I'd taken and previously hadn't worked. More waterworks followed.
He left me in the room by myself for stretches at an end, then told me I needed pain management. Well duh, that's what I was there for!! He told me to look up Surburban Hospital to get enrolled in their pain clinic. Finally!
So he leaves for good. At the nurses aid station everybody's scrambling to get me an info number for the hospital (Think Yellow Books from the last decade). That's when we get yelled at by Nurse Cratchet that there's no patients allowed back here.
So I take my scrap of paper and go to the payphone and make 4 calls to this number before I realize there is no pain mnaagement clinic at this place. I'm crying openly at this time. Another clinic aid tells me NIH is doing studies for patients with fibro and I'm elated for a second. 
Then I go home and read the NIH studies online and they're all testing either SSRIs or doing human test trials for drugs that have names like JSEO3548.
Defeat. Utter defeat.
I went home, took a bubble bath, cried, and BF tried to console me by buying me some bras online (the amatriptaline made it so I have onl y one I can fit in) and some Proactiv Solution so I can maybe grow up to be a 36 year old who doesn't have daily breakouts.
A truly defeating day. Made worse by the fact I got my grandmother's effects (she dies a week and a half ago in France) and today was the bday of my mest friend's death. Bad, bad day.
Heartbrokenly yours,
~n~
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What a horrible, horrible day. I'm so sorry that the appointment was so demeaning and fruitless.
Well, tomorrow you can get up and think about what to do next. You're pretty amazing already; I'm not sure the world could handle you if all cylinders were up and running! 
Hang in there! Hugs!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Thanks, C, I needed to hear that.
It's 2AM here, I didn't think anyone was listening. I'm so glad you posted, cos it really did make me feel better. It's been a crappy week.
~nelly~
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I'm sorry that you have had a terrible time. I grieve with you.
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Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Thank you
#269295 - 06/13/06 11:02 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Those stoopid doctors. They want me to go back on Thursday, and on next Tuesday to "talk." I don't want to talk anymore, I just want to yell. (!!!)
~nelly~
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doctors ...
#269296 - 06/13/06 11:07 PM
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Double J
Reged: 03/09/06
Posts: 900
Loc: High Rocky Mountains ibs-d
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I could never stand some doctor trying to get in my head and tell me that everything was fine. Have seen a few since s.e. asia. One thing is good to know ... that they have not changed. sorry
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Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Re: doctors ...
#269317 - 06/14/06 07:00 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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The longer I live, the more I believe... you are exactly right.
~n~
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sorry it didn't go well. Some Drs. are @#$%s. I had one that spent a couple of minutes with me and gave me drugs that did nothing. Then I went to one who I didn't really "like" at first but she turned out to be very helpful. I hope it works out for you.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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my heart really breaks for you. I have a good friend who has the same conditions (except fibro) she's a very BIG cutter. Now she has someone else doing it for her (tatoos) as well as the ones she does herself. Her body is like a world map! Her ibs is out of control and she will not do anything about it. I am writing this to you because you sound like you are seeking help for all of your problems and I just want to ENCOURAGE you to keep on looking for the right doc who will truly help you and not just pass you by as another self-loathing person who he/she doesn't want to take the time or interest in. God bless and keep on keeping on. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!!!
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He didn't even talk to me. Just kept asking me if I'd tried lexapro, prozac, wellbutrin, paxil etc. I just kept jabbing out my scar filled arms and told him I "couldn't endure the side-effects." I never cut before I was on these meds. It makes me feel so stupid when I stop them, because the urge to cut goes away completely. *sigh*
Tomorrow I'm supposed to speak with a different shrink, a councellor they called her. Guess she gets the 45 minute cliffs notes. Can't wait to go through that again.
Five days after that, another councellor, different guy. I think I'm getting the runaround, big time! Hopefully if I meet enough of these people i might start recognizing one...!
~nelly~ Keeping that sense of humor sharply honed!
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Today is 6am, and my appointment with the shrink is at 1pm. This is how it goes. I go to pieces when I see new doctors, but I have to see someone new so I can get some help. I've found myself self-sabotaging my life, my BF looks at me sideways when I bawl, and tho I can manage my IBS, the toll I take to do so (in friendships, stalwarting my life, and the pain and energy of hypervigilliance that just wears and wears on me) takes a big cost out of me. Maybe a shrink can unravel some of that. But a steady shrink, not a McDoctor who sees me once then passes me on to the next guy on duty.
Arg.
So I'm giving this yet another try and I hope I don't lose too many buckets of moisture from my face as I try to locate my car in the parking lot afterwards. No one loves a sticky chick.
So that's my breakthrough for tonight. Going to catch a few more substantative hours of sleepytime before my debut before this next doc. Love to all of you for providing me this forum to keep this all in perspective.
~nelly~
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