Shannon here, not complaining today, LOL.
#268400 - 06/08/06 08:23 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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I just wanted you all to know, first of all, I think I'll change my name to just Cookie. right now it's a good reminder that i have to be strong. And eat cookies.LOL!
Anyhow, I didn't reply to each post about trevor the other day, because i was giving some SERIOUS thought to what all of you had said. I think you're all right. It's hard to see the actuality of a situation when you're blinded by love.
Some of you asked if it's him, or just the idea of him, or the idea of being married that I'm in love with.
At this point, I can't honestly answer that. I know he's had moments where he's not a sweet guy, but 90% of our relationship, he's been so kind, so sweet, so stand-up guy. His behaviour right now is totally out of place and unacceptable, don't get me wrong.
BUT...
I feel I do need to say some stuff in his defence now that I have gotten all the junk and gossip out.
*he's a stand up father and has been since the breakup as well.
*he really hasn't EVER said anything negative about me. To me, yes, but not about me. We're both guilty of being unkind TO each other.
*I've never once found kiddie porn-this you NEED to know. I have found stuff with 18 and 17 year old girls, but never ever children. That doesn't make him dating a 17 year old excuseable, or looking at porn excuseable, but he's just not a pedophile. I'd NEVER EVER accept that in my life. my sister was molested by a stepdad back in the day and I have made it a life promise to be hypervigilant.
*He's been an excellent provider, and has always spoiled me on birthdays, Christmas,and other holidays.
__________________________________________________________
Now all that being said, I know he's dating a 17 year old(and I really really still believe with all I am that he is not having sex with her, and I do know him best, even now) and I know that he's been manipulating me and twisting things to make me feel bad. I know that he's been secretive, and defensive. I know there's major boundaries breached, but I didn't know they were before the breakup. i know he's been very selfish in our marriage, and I know that's not my fault.
I know that if anything ever is to be reconciled, which it may very well not, there have to be some serious changes on his part. maybe mine too.
And I also know that if all else fails, I will be fine,and so will kayleigh. Finding out how much he'd pay in alimony and child support made me feel a bit better. I thought he'd only be giving $500 a month, but we're lookin' at more than double that.
Anyways, ladies and gents, I thank you and I applaud you for helping me sort through this. I also thank you for kicking my a$$ over and over again into seeing reality for what it is. I'm reluctant to take off the rose colored glasses(hence the believing the affair started after we broke up, and that he's not having sex...yet.)they fit so well for me...
And do you mind if I keep leaning on you, or am i getting a little droning?
Love,
Tough Cookie. 
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Hey Cookie
#268402 - 06/08/06 08:31 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hey Shannon,
Just wanted to say Hi.. and good luck with the stength and the cookie eating, hee hee.
I am glad that you are trying to look at things from all angles, I think that's a good idea.
If I can be totally honest, though, and I hope I don't hurt your feelings.. I could have seen this post from a mile away. The defending Trevor part, I mean. I have been through so many crappy breakups vicariously through my girl friends and this almost always happens. The venting, then the apologising, then the defending the ex.
I think it is just a grief stage that everyone goes through during a break up -especially one they don't want to happen- and I hope that soon you can appreciate that it doesn't matter if he *sometimes* did nice things, he is not even close to being in your league and you're so much better off without him.
And as for him looking at naked 17 year old girls, that's illegal. Period. My boyfriend used to work for an intelligence agency, and they have arrested people for looking at that. And if he's looking at those "barely legal" sites, those girls are like 15. I know girls that have done it through working with girls at a counselling centre. It's sick. Illegal. And unforgivable.
You are so so much better than this, Shannon! We love you lots, feel free to vent any time!
**hugs**
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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It took guts to tellme that. I know it looks weak for me to say words in his defence, but I didn't want people also getting the impression that he was always a jerk or that he looked at 5 year old kids on the internet.
Doesn't make it better, and doesn't make me want to run back to him but it does ensure that I set things straight.
I have very high doubt that it will ever work out between us, and I'm still having a hard time believing I'm "better than that" and that anyone better would want to make a life commitment to me... but thanks for saying that anyhow. I think I have a bit of damaged self esteem, eh? 
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vent away.. we are hear to help! you are not droning on at all.. this is a serious life event!
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THE FRIEND WHO JUST STANDS BY
B. Y. Williams
When trouble comes your soul to try
You love the friend who just "stands by".
Perhaps there's nothing that he can do -
The thing is strictly up to you;
For there are troubles all your own,
And paths the soul must tread alone;
Times when love cannot smooth the road
Nor friendship lift the heavy load,
But just to know you have a friend
Who will "stand by" until the end,
Whose sympathy through all endures,
Whose warm handclasp is always yours -
It helps, someway, to pull you through,
Although there's nothing that he can do.
And so with fervent heart you cry'
"God bless the friend who just 'stands by'!"
And praying...
tuff cookie ... I like that.
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
Edited by J82901 (06/08/06 09:33 PM)
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it's even more poignant now, as I realize that I HAVE to fight this alone, but I can still lean. J, you are so wise!
Thank you, as always, for your supportive and compassionate nature. Just what a girl needs to see in a guy right now, so I can still believe there's good....
Actually, my absentee father has been soooo there for me in the last 3 weeks too, which is unprecedented. it's about time! I told him his support in this will make or break my entire concept of men. So far, he's MAKING it.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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yeah, you're right, it's a pretty big deal. I had my first day without him yesterday-sleeping here that is, and he'll be gone till tuesday, but of course I'll still have to see him...grr.  I wish I could just go without seeing him for 6 weeks like my book suggests. Gooood luck with that and a kid who is in the middle!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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You have NEVER been a burden and personally, I will ALWAYS be here for you. Lean on me all you want. You are so tough! Keep it up. Hey, facing reality and taking off the rose coloured glasses sucks, so don't worry about it. It's always easier to believe the best about those we love. Plus, some realities can be just too hard to face at times. Take it a day at a time, or a minute or second at a time.
Have I said how proud of you I am? If I were you, I would have crumbled into a million pieces by now. And you're still standing, fighting, and staying strong. Give yourself a well deserved pat on the back.
After this, take this
HUGE HUG.
Love, A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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You can vent anytime Shannon. I'm glad you're feeling more relieved about the child support and alimony.
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The decision you make for yourself will also effect your precious daughter. What IF one day you are shopping, etc., and your husband is alone with her; can you honestly say she would be safe? She is the most precious part of you, and she looks to you for a safe and loving protector. You are very smart (my opinion from what I've read)and yes, right now your self esteem may be low but with the support you receive from your friends on these boards you can turn that around. Stay strong and follow your heart. You know what is best for you and your daughter, so stay strong and confident in your friends suggestions and you WILL make it through this. I'll continue to pray for you. I will pray for your husband also, because he definately has a porno addiction which IS a sickness. One that will continue to get worse or better depending on WHAT HE wants to do about it. It is NOT your fault or problem. He MUST take ownership to ALL of his demons.
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You sound like a Christian...a good Christian friend of mine just bought me the book the DNA of relationships, and it's really a great read so far. It says a lot about getting to the place of loving yourself,and who GOD made you to be, and then working on relaitonships. I can honestly say I'm foggy on who I really am. i'm working on it though.
I can tell you with every bone in my body, and with absolute faith, that I do not worry about my daughter around her daddy. I am very sensitive to hunches, almost to a psychic degree, and have NEVER ONCE worried or questioned that he'd do the best for her no matter what. That's the reason I chose to ahve children with him.
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Thank you so much Alicia. You are really making me feel stronger than I thought I was!!
Thank you for letting me lean and for your endless compassion. You are such a gem!
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Tuff Cookie (06/09/06 05:52 PM)
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Shannon
#268590 - 06/09/06 09:11 PM
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hohoyumyum
Reged: 05/28/03
Posts: 2263
Loc: SacTown, CA
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What a hard time for you and your daughter. I think it says a lot about you that even with how bad things are you still know exactly what is good about him. Many people end up blinded by anger rather than love. Being blinded by love isn't so bad for a while. Sometimes you need to hold on just a little longer until your ready to let go completely because you know that when you do let go, you can never hold on again. I think that if you can stand on your own and fully acccept what he has done and still have enough compassion to remember the good things that drew you to him to begin with, then you're a better person than many. Most people would only be angry and hurt. You must have an awful big heart. I'm not very surprised to see you defend him either, but, I also see that while you are clear on what his positive points are, you are also very clear on what the negatives are. You aren't defending the things he's done, only clearing up what might have been assumed. I hope that you can continue to see both sides while staying on course and not allowing him to toy with you in any way. Breath deep, and take a day at a time (not that more than a day at a time is an option, really ), stay focused, and you'll be okay in the end.
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If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Thank you! That was so sweet of you and you hit the nail on the head about the person I'm being and the person i want to be. yes, letting go might be forever, that's why it's so hard to say yes to it completely. 
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It goes both ways, darling. You're my hero!!!
Bets off with EX for bringing the teeney to lunch. DISGUSTING. Document it - for legal purposes. Dates, times, locations.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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LOL I just accidentally took the password off the side of his computer. he's going to be mad but I honestly didn't know I could. I was just farting aorund.  now I know that I can and nothing is sacred on this computer anymore.
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