oh I feel horrid...please-weigh in! TIA for replies
#267957 - 06/06/06 04:31 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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Ohhh man, I am feeling like it's Day one again.Here's why.
Today started off with me being ambivalent.Whatever, don't care, I'll survive. I know I will either way.
I had booked time to talk to a lawyer/mediator for next Monday, and I was about to see the pastor.
I talked to a pastor for a good 2 hours today and felt way better- and he validated all my assumptions about my life, Trevor's life and said it's possible that Trevor is really lost and that he may come back once he's hit rock bottom. basically he has a hard heart and needs to sort out a lot of stuff.
I got home and told Trevor about this visit.(which by the way was awesome and actually gave me a smile for the first time in three weeks)... he said "Oh, so did you tell him I'm a porn addict? A gambler? An alcoholic? Because that's what you told my mom." He was so mad he couldn't look at me.
I HAD told his mom, who's been a confidant for years, that I considered every angle as to why he's suddenly changed. I told her that these are ideas the counsellor had suggested to me weeks ago. I didn't tell her YES, he's this or that. I asked her if she wanted to hear this twice, and she said yes, and after that I begged her not to tell Trevor.
Trevor said his mom has been sick over it all week. I told him he was so closed off I couldn't tlak to him, so I went to someone who knew him and just bounced ideas off of her.
And he said "well, we'll talk-from my mother's house or from my brother's house"
So I apologized a lot and I do feel bad, and I already apologized to his mom that day for telling her anything she didn't want to hear. I couldn't have predicted her reaction. I don't think she's done this maliciously at all, but this just really upped the ante.
Did this seal my fate with him? he's never said a bad word about me! He doesn't have a right to, until now. What if he uses this against me in court? And I get that I won't talk to friends of his or family about this. I get that. And I really AM sorry. I tend to talk with my heart, not my brain.
Even though I knew this splitup was going to happen, I still had hope we were going to possibly reconcile. How would he trust me after that?
not that I can say I trust him...but now I'm REALLY worried....
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Tough Cookie, Shan (06/06/06 04:42 PM)
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but being the age I am and without any experience in any situation even half as complicated as this, I cant really give any great advice...but all I want tor reassure you is...that in my opinion anyways...YOU HAD EVERY RIGHT TO TALK TO HIS MOTHER...if like you say shes been a confidant for years and with everything thats happened...and you so desperately needing to talk to someone about it...I completely understand you telling her. And if Im right....its not like you went over said 'your sons an alcoholic gambling porn addict' is it?? You told her your concerns in a way that was respectful to the fact that shes his mother and Im sure she understood that. She after all, is the only other woman in his life to know him any better...and ofcourse I can understand why its her you would turn to. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT. She should be the one feeling bad for breaking your confidance really, but then I can understand her needing to talk with her son. He shouldnt have thrown that back in your face like that...and I WISH he would understand how AMAZING you are dealing with all of this. You have made huge steps in making appointments to see counsellors/lawyers/pastors....they're not easy things to do...but you have dealt with this in a sensible, reasonable and mature manner and I think YOU have every right to be upset NOT HIM. Let him cool down...I hope he doesnt hold this against you...if he does...then more fool him. He is being UNBELIEVEABLY SELFISH over this whole situation....whereas you have shown yourself to be a STRONG woman who wont be treated like a piece of c***
Im praying he comes to his senses sometime and realises just what a fabulous person hes losing here...cos you DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER.
Stay strong....sending lots of hugs.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
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 Natalie
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I just don't know if he thinks I said it in a crass manner or not, but his mother knows I'm in love with him and fighting for him, not merely gossipping. it's just heartbreaking!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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she wouldnt have made it come across in a crass manner like your thinking...I hope she made that clear when she expressed your concerns. He is probably making it sound like that just because hes angry that you've spoken to his mother....but he should know that he cant treat people like the way hes treated you and expect no consequences. I really hope he comes to his senses sooner or later...I think deep down he must know it...and that is probably whats fueling his anger...hes IN DENIAL...god someone needs a boot with spikes on to give him a good KICK UP THE A*** 
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Natalie
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I understand you feel bad but he has made his problem YOUR problem so, you should be able to talk to anyone about YOUR problem, even if that means telling someone what he's really like!
Do NOT feel guilty. No more apologizing. Every time you do that, he's keeping you right where he wants you...vulnerable.
BTW, good job calling on the pastor/lawyer!
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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**hugs**
#267970 - 06/06/06 05:12 PM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi Shannon,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so badly, but I agree with Natalie - you don't have anything to feel sorry about or guilty for.
If his mother is someone that you confide in, than you've done nothing out of the ordinary. And, if like you said, they were just ideas that you had about why he has been acting this way than I can't see him having any retaliation to the things you said.
In fact, when he threw all that at you, I would have loved for you to say, "Okay, well, if it isn't those things than you tell me *what* you are that has turned you into such a <suchandsuch> (insert your own words there). These are things that were suggested to me because you haven't been able to talk to me, so I am left to try and figure out *on my own* what happened to my daughter's Dad."
If he doesn't want you to talk to him about things, fine. But he can't tell you that you can't talk to other people, no matter who that person is.
Furthermore, you could have also pointed out that his behaviour is *not normal* and that you are concerned about him. And who better to approach about someone you are concerned about than their mother?
To be honest with you, I think he knew he could make you feel bad about this and he is manipulating you into apologising and feeling like you are in the wrong. It is totally unbelieveable that he has managed to spin it the way he has, and the only thing I would apologise for is to *yourself* for letting him make you feel the way he has.
Oh, and having expressed concerns about a problem that he might have to a family member can't affect anything in a court room, I am almost 100% positive. You haven't done anything wrong.
I know that you still wanted things to work out, but it's his behaviour that has sealed the fate of your relationship and the sooner you are rid of him, the better.
I hope that you can sort out some way to have him *not* staying with you again after he stays with his mother, he does not deserve to be in your house so that he can play little games and try to hurt you.
**hugs**
Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Re: +HUGS+
#267974 - 06/06/06 05:21 PM
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Honey mix
Reged: 11/16/05
Posts: 285
Loc: USA wish it was England
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Oh Shannon Stay a tough cookie you'lll pull through more*HUGS* coming your way
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Puppies Are Cute But I'm Cuter
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...so I'll use as few words as possible.
FACT:Trevor has been lying to you, concealing things from you, seeing someone behind your back (whether he says they're just talking or not, that's clearly not the case), behaving like a complete idiotic a$$, getting involved with a teenager and, even worse, made you feel like you sone way you should shoulder some of the blame for this, whether you realise it's him doing that to you or not.
FACT: You have NOTHING to apologise for!!!!!! Because -
FACT: At every point in this whole saga he has REFUSED to talk to you about any of it, refused to let you in on what's happening in his life, and refused to even talk about where you go from here. This means -
FACT: You have a right as big as this earth to speak to his mum about his disgraceful behaviour, particularly as you obviously consider her a friend and confidante. I'm not surprised she told him, but that would have been because (a) she is worried about him and (b) she likes you, and wants this to get sorted out for the best - she also has a much loved granddaughter tied up in all this. You talked to someone close to him because HE refused to talk to you in the way that you deserve and are entitled to as his wife and daughter's mother.
FACT: This whole situation is down to HIM and HIS issues, NOT you! You are wonderful, beautiful and so loving, and even though you still feel like you are fighting for him and like there's a small particle of hope, you will move on and find someone more worthy and deserving, someone who loves every ounce of you even more than you love him. Someone who will love your daughter and respect her friends. Someone who will be yours, and yours alone.
I am SO sorry if I sound cold, I can assure you it's exactly the opposite - I care so much I just can't hold this back! I have seen 3 people in near identical situations, and until each woman has accepted that he is not only lost, but that it is a good thing he is lost, she has not been able to move on - and as a result has been screwed in one way or another, intentionally or not.
The way he is acting is just SO infuriating! And please - if he brings it up again, just snap, and say "look, YOU refuse to talk to me about any of this and what's been going on and what your problems are - and if you continue to do so I shall very probably discuss the matter with your mum again, whether you like it or not. And for some insane reason, I still care about you - and this is why I am trying to figure out what your problems are. Get over yourself and grow up." Hmmm, I guess you won't say that, but even if you can't, try keeping schtum, looking fierce and thinking it!!  
The most important thing in all of this is that you and Kayleigh are happy, and that clearly (even if it's temporary) isn't the most important thing to Trevor - that tells you much of what you need to know.
We're with you girl, and sending you every spare positive vibe I have! ((((hugs))))
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http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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You have nothing to feel guilty about, absolutely nothing.
Stay strong.
You and your sweet little girl are in my thoughts. *hugs*
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Thanks for beating me to the punch! I completely agree and I am betting that his mom approached it the same way you did...with concern about his actions lately and all he heard was what he wanted. Then he takes that twists it in that warped mind of his and turns it against you.
Don't apologize to him for doing what was right...talking to someone who cares not only about you, your daughter but also him in trying to resolve the situation. You have strength and all he is doing is trying to break you down since he is the weak one.
I am so glad that you were able to spend the time talking with the pastor. You have to feel so much more relieved. I hope things go well with the lawyer. Keep strong! I believe in you!
Michelle
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those are words of manipulation. Don't let him make you feel guilty and don't apologize. Stay focused on taking care of you and your daughter.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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you said.. "how can he ever forgive me?" (or something to that effect, I read it a few minutes ago).. the real question is how can you EVER forgive him?
You told someone close to him problems that he may very well have, and it wasn't out of hate.. it was so that you could help him. You thought.. well he may not listen to me, but maybe he'll listen to his mom...
On the contrary, he's made rude, disgusting comments, gone out drinking, flirted with his little girl right in front of your face, looked at kiddie porn, lied, etc for who knows how long. I agree that he's manipulating you into feeling bad- and I think he probably has for awhile (i.e. getting you to let him look at porn, getting you to allow him to skip every family function so that you're the one always alone) etc..
It sounds like he may be a fabulous manipulator. The reason he can't look you in the eye isn't because you told on him.. its because he is beginning to realize what an a-hole he's been to you, and just how harsh he really was. He's not looking you in the eye because he wants to keep thinking that what he's doing is right, and if he looked at you.. maybe he'd realize that he did it the wrong way.
It shouldn't be you that needs to prove to him that you're worthy of him and deserve another shot.. he needs to prove that to you. I know.. I sound harsh, but I'm really upset over all this crap with him, and the fact that he can still easily make you feel like crap and as though its all your fault- when he is clearly the one that did the wrong thing.
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You don't need to answer this here, but please think about it.
is it actually him that you want back (and all the crap) or is it the thought of him, and what you had (ie happy loving family). Remember that you need to seperate the two, and decide whether or not you really want him, or if you don't want to be alone. If the latter is true, its not worth fighting for someone you don't really want in the first place. You need to think about whether or not you could ever forgive him etc. as well. The thought of him may sound good, but thats bc you've been through hell as a result of him for weeks- you need to decide if thats really what you want, or if you want what you had.
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I absolutely agree with everyone else. He is manipulating you into feeling guilty which you absolutely should NOT feel!
His mother is a friend of yours who happens to also be his mother, and you genuinely went to her for help with love in mind - not slander. You did NOTHING WRONG! Trevor is finally facing the fact that his true colours are coming out - in front of EVERYONE - including his Mother. He's probably embarrassed. And he should be! Shame on him!!!!!
Dr. Spice also brought out a very important point - do you want him back - REALLY - or do you want what you thought he was??? Maybe the two are no longer the same, and tough cookie may have to face that. I'm all for reconciling, but if it does happen, he has a lot of stuff to work out first.
Hugs sweetheart. Hold your head up high. You are a wonderful person and that has never changed.
Love, A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Yep, I agree, you have nothing to feel guilty about and he is manipulating you. You have nothing to apologize for-stay strong! Love and Hugs
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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yep i ditto everything...you should NOT feel guilty at all, he is the one with the problem do not let him make you feel guilty. sending you lots of hugs darling, wish there was more we could do.
jo x
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http://www.myspace.com/jo_elsmere
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I've only read some of your posts but it sounds like your husband is acting very selfish and almost childish in refusing to enlighten you on anything. I just wanted to tell you what I've been through in the last few months and hope it gives you some optimism that life can move on and get better.
I was with my ex for 3 and a half years and I absoloutly adored him, he was what you would describe as a cheeky chappy with with an infectious smile. For the first year everything was great but suddenly he wanted to go out with the boys all the time, spending all weekend getting drunk with his mates and basically not sparing a thought for me. Sometimes he would actually arrange to spend a saturday night with me then phone me up when he was supposed to meet me and say he was going out with the boys instead, either that or turn up drunk! But he wasn't like that all the time (else why would I have stayed with him).
He would then start to use my IBS against me, making me feel like I was some kind of weirdo, he wouldn't understand why I wouldnt go out for a curry and just put up with feeling ill the next day, he would make ME!! feel like I was being unreasonable.
We broke up briefly a few times but he always begged me to come back, saying that he would change his attitude, needless to say he never did.
Well 2 months ago we decided to split, I was heartbroken but I couldn't spend my life feeling resentful and unhappy and second best to his friends, plus by this point I no longer trusted him as he started always keeping his mobile phone on silent.
Well after a few weeks of being on my own I started to get used to being on my own again, I still missed him terribly and would go to pieces if I thought about him or would get that sick feeling in my stomach if a song came on the radio that reminded me of him, but I was enjoying the fact I no longer felt on edge all the time waiting for the next argument or his next selfish act. At this point we were still friends and staying in touch, until last week........ Well I found out that he had been cheating on me several times throughout our relationship! I was gutted, I'd always thought he might have but to have it confirmed was like a knife through the heart. He found out I knew and kept trying to phone me and I just kept putting the phone down until I felt ready to talk, by which point I'd had all the closure I needed. I suddenly had this great moment of clarity and saw him for the person he was not the person I thought he used to be. I came to the conclusion that I am happier on my own than in a relationship that makes me feel rejected and inferior to someone all the time, and you know what its not as scary as I thought and i'm the least stressed I've been in a long time.
All I'm saying is try to step back and say to yourself do I love him for who he is now or am I in love with the person I thought he was or the person he used to be. Try to consider what would make you happy in the long run and try and stay strong. I really wish you all the best shannon x x x x x x
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GOOD FOR YOU!!!! You are such a strong intelligent woman! Hold your head high, too. He doesn't deserve you. How thoughtful of you to share this to help Shannon.
My hugs and love go to you both.
XOXO
A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I don't advise confiding in his family or friends again, but the bigger issue is his bad behavior. He's going to use the one thing he feels he has against you.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Shannon
#268244 - 06/08/06 04:45 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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..first, what Blondie, Nat etc have already said...they are right, and you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, NOTHING.
You are handling this great, you've taken advice from professionals and you're doing your best for both you and Kayleigh. Hang in there.
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S.
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and I'm not giving him the satisfaction of that.
Plus it's more intelligent to keep mum to those who love him. LOL Mind you I won't be ratting to him about what his mom has said to ME about him.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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