talked to a counsellor... WARNING-grown up language
#265383 - 05/24/06 06:58 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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and some stuff came out that I had no idea about.
Dh might have a porn addiction. The behaviours he is showing with the stuff going on to chatrooms is possibly a manifestation of an ADDICTION! She said all the things he's been doing are really strong indicators of an addiction-secrecy, not wanting to talk, possibly spilling over into gambling or alcohol addiction. I ahve seen him drink heavily in the past but when he quit, that's when he also began getting super into porn and that's also when our sex life went downhill.
Hmm. A big breakthrough and I totally want to talk to him about this.All along it was something I thought was no big deal but maybe he has an addiction. I did throw out literally boxes of porn when we got married, and then I found more after we wer married awhile...he stopped buying it when we got the Internet.
What do you all think?? It might explain why he doesn't know how to express what he's feeling! He really would ahve a hard time explaining that because it's not obvious!
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especially with the constant supply of porn on the internet. It wouldn't be too shocking considering the number of people who are using the internet for the viewing instead of buying magazines or videos.
I know this sounds horrible but there are some sites where people can call them and tell them what they would like to see done.
Sadly my darling fiance has to deal with cleaning up computers after people who download it on their computers at work get caught for violating the rules and he tells me about how stupid these people are to do it and think they won't get caught and the desperate need to get them into counseling.
Good luck. I hope you get the answers you deserve! Sounds like she is really helping you out! I am happy you were able to find someone to talk with. 
*hugs*
Michelle
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Hmmm, maybe that's why he doesn't like seeing you in lingerie. He associates lingerie with "bad", "sl@tty" women (although that's not true), and he doesn't want you to wear it because you're supposed to "good".
Still though, don't forget to see that lawyer.
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Now the tough thing is how to get him out of it. I'm doing research. I feel for the guy, he comes home so late and is probably lonely...but the way he's made me feel is that he thinks I'm awesome and he is just falling away. It makes sense. I can't wait to talk to him now.
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oh, i just want to cry.... this lady is really making me think.
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In the church we have a whole group of folks who work with men and women who have porn addictions. You just can not believe how addicting it is. But on the flip side I have seen husbands and wives get through it and over it, and become closer because of their working so hard to make their marriages work. So there is certainly hope and light at the end of the tunnel. Also, those addicted to porn need help and understanding. Hang in there, and keep the lines of communication open between you two.
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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it's been around much longer than me and he's definitely had times where it's been a daily, many hours long occurrence... so it's scary in that sense. And he has had certain behaviours that were close to addictive in the past few years as well.
That's why I haven't given up you know? He looks so sad and bewildered as to why he's so unhappy. I just want to hug him!
i actually ENCOURAGED the crap, not knowing how pervasive and screwy it can be. 
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it is a phenomenal book and though it is weitten for men, I recommend it for women all the time. I have counseled many women regarding their husbands addiction to porn and all are grateful to have heard about and read this book.
I don't want to start a controversy on whether or not porn is good for a marriage because it seems not to bother some women, but I have counselled enough women that I know that it is hurtful.
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Have a blessed day! Rachel
Formerly poochibelly...
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Very interesting.
I knew a guy who was clearly addicted to porn but he was also addicted to sex and he and his wife had lots of sex so I don't think it hurt his relationship. I was friends with her but we never discussed it much.
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I read your other posts but I haven't had a chance to post and I also wasn't sure what to post. I was actually going to ask you if it might have to do with porn. It would make sense. I'm sorry you have to go through all this.
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I went looking at Focus on the Family website and I found this website that is specifically for people in your situation. If you get a chance maybe you can find something helpful web page . I was going to email you some websites but I didn't know if you would want email on the subject.
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Shannon, there are family programs for those affected by compulsive sexual behavior (S-Anon ), compulsive gambling (Gam-Anon), and alcoholism (Al-Anon).
I have personal experience with Al-Anon groups and they can be incredibly helpful. Even if you can't find an S-Anon group - or feel uncomfortable going to one - please try an Al-Anon group. The principles of all three groups are the same so what you learn in any of them will help you in all areas of your life.
Take care.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Have a blessed day! Rachel
Formerly poochibelly...
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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I've never had to deal with this topic personally, but I feel very strongly about it nonetheless, and obviously it's something that has bothered you too. I do feel bad for people who feel the "need" to use porn in their lives to supplement and make up for whatever they feel they are lacking. It seems sometimes it's just recreational, but sometimes it's to the point where it's damaging, which is what you seem to suspect.
I know you said you hoped for reconciliation still, so I hope you can find away to talk to him about it without alienating him anymore. That is a really difficult thing to do. I can see myself flying into a rage if I discovered that stuff, I hope you manage to maintain some control (you seem to be pretty patient). Good luck to you...these are hard time for you and I'll be thinking of you.
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Shannon....
#265516 - 05/25/06 08:24 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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more hugs for you honey.
It is great that you have got to meet the counsellor and that she is helping you to make sense of things. Meeting counsellors is such a worthwhile experience but it really hurts and brings up and out so many emotions.
Not sure really what else to say.
you take care of yourself.
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S.
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Shannon
#265539 - 05/25/06 10:58 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Shannon, I have been following your situation, and although I have been unable to post lately because something's been wrong with my computer, I have been thinking of you a lot and praying that you and your husband will work things out.
I have been married for almost 26 years, and the two of us have been through some really rough times when I thought the marriage was over. But somehow---by the grace of God---we always managed to work it out.
I just pray that the lines of communication will be opened for the two of you, and that you will be able to work through this. For your daughter's sake, I hope you can do that.
If you really love this guy, I'd work as hard as I could to make it work out. Sometimes when we think we've hit rock bottom, we gather the strength to climb our way out of the hole, and during the process, we become stronger because of it. It can happen!
I'm glad that you are getting counseling. Hopefully, your husband will open up to you soon, and the two of you can work through this. If he is unwilling, you will be fine. You are a strong person, and you will make it through this.
I'll continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You have us here to lean on.
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he is secretive about his porn and is always scared of getting caught etc...so he doesn't spy on my side....but if he does, he knows what's coming and that is great.
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because when Iw as pregnant and too sweet, innocent and pristine to touch(you know, the madonna complex) they were there to help out. But I guess I've basically been condoning cheating. And he has looked at it on probably a daily basis for the last few years...makes so much sense!!!
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I had no idea it could destroy marriages! In fact, when we were engaged and going to the classes, we laughed when a man said porn was a bad addiction for him! We thought that was silly. But really, if he's more into it now, and I ahve seen and the pictures are getting weirder(not vile) and grosser, then I suspect it could be just that.
I ahve NO idea how to approach it so he opens up though, cause I condoned it for six years.
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it would be corwardly and unlike me, the real me, to just walk away without a fight. Not that I'm confrontational, not at all but I will certainly strive to keep this marriage together. God knows we all have days we aren't crazy about our lover and sometimes don't even LIKE them, but so what> Love is a decision and it's work.
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Don't really have any advice to add that hasn't been said but wanted to say I am praying for you and hope things will work out. Hang in there sweetie!!
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...this is such a personal matter and the only way I get through things is by talking them out, and guess what....when your beloved ain't tlaking much, you don't want to throw stuff at him....
But he's more chatty as days go by! 
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I also have been married many years. There have been so many times when I thought I could not take one more breathe around this man without passing out. (no violence, just a way of speaking). He has said he felt the same way. There is so much work that goes on day in and day out to keep a marriage strong. IT takes many talks, through long periods of not speaking, to me that is the most painful.We have always come back to each other. After 31 years, we have found a way to live with each other and appreciate the love we have, it is a very hard and long job. I pray that for Kayleighs sake that the two of you can work things out.
If it were me, the porn would have to go, totally, period. I just could not raise my child in a home with that filth. If he truly is addicted, he does need help. Though it is difficult to get someone to admit an addiction. It may take a long time for him to get full of it long enough to say he needs help. And, that is my prayer for him and you, that he will get the help he needs to move on into a healthy marriage, you so deserve that Shannon!
I have an adult son right now who I am talking with daily, he won't admit his addiction, he keeps saying he is not addicted, he does not need help. Though today, he told me he would see a therapist,and that is where I am hopeing he will learn that he needs to admit these things and get the help he truly needs before he looses everything dear to him.
God Bless You Shannon, I really do relate!
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