I'm back, and in major life crisis.
#263948 - 05/17/06 03:09 PM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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Hey everybody. I've been gone for so long while we've been trying to get rid of all our viruses. We finally took it to staples and they did nothing with it and gave it back with viruses on it. So finally today we got it back the second time. And just in time.
Trevor sat me down yesterday for the dreaded talk. yes, he's fallen out of love with me. No, there's no other woman. yes, he's leaving. No, he doesn't think counselling will help. Yes, he'll be there for Kayleigh.
We lead such separate lives for a married couple that it shouldn't be a shock to me. I love him so much but I guess I'm not "in love" either. Still, I'm terrified of doing it on my own. We never see each other, and basically hand kayleigh off anyhow, though he says he still loves me and very much wants to stay friends if we can handle it. it's eerily amicable at the moment.
He's decided he wants to be an immature partying restaurant guy, and thinks I'm too grown up and too much a teacher for him. Whatever that means.
We'll be married five years in August.
We're moving apart slowly and he's sticking aorund to get his bills in order and so that I don't end up totally screwed. I don't think he had a clue how much child support is. I only make $20,000 a year, and have staggering debt to do it alone.
I'm really numb but stunned that i'm not constantly bawling my eyes out. Maybe that will come.
He's off at the oilers game tonight. Never invited me. He was the man of my dreams...what the hell happened???
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Shannon :) (05/17/06 04:01 PM)
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Shannon~ I am so sorry to hear about you and your husband. My prayers are with you and hopefully you will find a way to reconnect. Just remember we are all here for you if you need anything.
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Oh, Shannon .... I hurt for you. I hope whatever happens it is for the best and you will be strong.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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I'm so sorry Shannon!!...... {{hugs}}
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Oh that stinks. Wish I had some great advice for ya! But I don't... 
I take it from your post you felt this was coming? How do you feel - would you have been happy to carry on as you were? If not, it might have been that you reached this decision yourself further down the line...?
So sorry, I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now.
(((((HUGS)))))
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http://ibsblondie13.blogspot.com/
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Oh shannon....
#263971 - 05/17/06 05:03 PM
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Natalie1985
Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 1329
Loc: UK - Leeds for uni, Merseyside for home!
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Im so sorry, I really dont know what to say....I hope that things work out for you for the best and Im thinking of you at this difficult time...we're all here if you need to vent about anything....sending lots and lots of hugs and support.....stay strong.
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
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 Natalie
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Oh no.......
#263973 - 05/17/06 05:06 PM
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ecmmbm
Reged: 02/23/03
Posts: 1622
Loc: North Carolina
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I am heartbroken for you... I completely believe there is always hope and will pray for you both. For right now I"ll just offer big hugs and know that I'm here for you, you know my email. I'm so sorry!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Shannon...my husband of twenty years has told me that he was leaving me twice; just before our 10th anniversary and then just before our 14th anniversary yet the Lord saw fit to heal our marriage and you know...I couldn't ask for a better friend in my husband right now.
Like Michelle said, there is hope and I too will be praying for you. You have my e-mail too so please, if there is anything that I can do, please let me know.
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Have a blessed day! Rachel
Formerly poochibelly...
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Shannon,
I'm very sorry to hear that but I have been in your shoes. Divorce is always hard, whether you're leaving or being left. And it will hurt for a long time. I'm not telling you that to make you feel bad, simply to let you know that it's normal to mourn the loss of your love for quite some time.
I was with my ex for 11 years...a month shy of 8 married. He was not home often, he was a partier. He was not a horrible person but a neglectful husband/father. When I started to think about my boys growing up with him as an example of what men do and how women act, I needed to leave.
Although I was the one who left, I still went through a terrible mourning period. I went through a phase where I wasn't taking care of myself. I lost a lot of weight, got very depressed and drank too much on the weekends. I had a black cloud hanging over my head. I started dating and while the guys I dated were nice, I needed something else.
I needed to slow down, appreciate life, my children, and my family. I needed to take care of myself for me and for my kids. Then things started getting better.
Four years later, I found the true love of my life. Now, I've only been with my husband for two years, but this relationship is on such a different level. I didn't meet him until I gave up on dating. Just like they say.
The point of my long story is that things will seem/feel really bad for quite some time. BUT, once you get over the loss of what you thought was so wonderful, you may just end up with something that you could never have imagined before.
There is hope for you! I will be thinking about you. Take some time to yourself if you can. Lean on your friends and family when they offer a shoulder. Don't be too proud to accept help (financially things may be really tough for awhile). Don't be in a hurry to find a replacement for your lost love or a father for your daughter. This will be hard, but in the end you will discover how strong you really can be.
I wish you the best. If you ever have any questions...I've been there and through a lot. I'll be here for you.
Sending hugs.
Lauren
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Flipada - IBS-C "It's a gas, gas, gas"
**Lauren**
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Glad your back, but sorry to hear about your troubles... sometimes us guys just don't know what's best. It's a long way from Wyoming to Alberta, but a hug and prayers are on the way.
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 Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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That really sucks, Shannon. Have you guys talked about going to marriage counseling? Maybe that would help?
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Dear Shannon,
I'm so sorry to hear about your separation. I don't know what to say, but you are such a wonderful person that I know you'll get through this.
I'll be hoping that you get that fulltime teaching position for September.
Jenn
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The point of my long story is that things will seem/feel really bad for quite some time. BUT, once you get over the loss of what you thought was so wonderful, you may just end up with something that you could never have imagined before.
I couldn't have said it better myself. My divorce(s) stunk, but better things were waiting, simply put. Hang in there, and if you ever need a sympathetic ear, like Lauren, I've been there and through a lot, and I'm here for ya.
*hugs*
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I am so sorry Shannon. I am sending lots of prayers and hugs your way. Any chance of marriage counseling or speaking with a clergyman? Good luck honey and know we are thinking of you and are here for you! **hugs**
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I don't know what to say other than I love you *hugs* Keep posting and let us know how we can be here for you.
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Shannon, I'm sorry to hear that you're separating. Hang in there and stay strong, I know you'll get through this.
I know some people might not like what I'm going to say next but here goes. It sounds like he's going through some kind of mid life crisis, and for your sake I hope he snaps out of it. The jaded cynic in me thinks although he says there's no one else, there probably is, or he might have an eye on someone. I've seen this happen many times, and it's even happened to me once with an ex-boyfriend.
Although you're going to try to keep things amicable, please get all the child support and alimony done through the courts. That is so vital to do because when a new girlfriend or boyfriend enters the picture, if the roles are reversed, there is usually trouble when the monthly payment comes due.
Edited by Gracie (05/17/06 07:00 PM)
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow”. Mary Anne Radmacher
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Shannon, I am very saddened to hear this. You are an amazing person with a great heart and you certainly don't deserve this kind of B.S.
If you have any problems struggling to afford groceries, I can probably help you out a bit. Please do not be afraid to ask.
Your friend,
EvilCats
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oh shannon! I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. You are an incredible woman and you don't deserve this at all! you're in my thoughts and prayers.
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"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
"If you can't anything nice about someone, come sit next to me."
Sometimes these things happen. Maybe you'll work it out, maybe you won't. If you both know that it is time to move on, then it is. I think everything happens for a reason. We all have lessons to learn. We all have a purpose to serve. Sometimes, though, we're not serving our own purposes. Who knows why things spin the way they do. But I do know that you'll be okay. You'll be strong and you'll get through it. They're just aren't many other options. And certainly none that are appealing. You'll be okay and if you need to vent, we're all here to vent with you. And remember, a flaming bag of pooh on a doorstep just doesn't ever seem to get old.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Oh Shannon...
#264053 - 05/18/06 12:44 AM
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Vicam
Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada
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I'm so sorry sweetie  I was nearly in tears reading your post and I just wish I could be of more help. I don't really have any experience in this department but I'll definately be keeping you in my thoughts...and you seem like an incredibly strong and wonderful woman so I know that whatever happens you will definately get through it. Sending you loads of (((HUGS)))
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Oh Shannon, I don't know what to say. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and Kayleigh right now.
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Oh, Shannon! I'm so sorry! I would be devastated if Mich & I split up. Stay strong & I'll be thinking of you. *hugs if you want 'em*
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I don't have any good advice.....I'm just so so sorry. It sounds like this isn't totally out of the blue but that doesn't make it any easier I'm sure. I totally understand your fear of being alone. I hope you have a lot of friends and family to support you, you're going to need it. From what I've been able to tell on these boards, you're a strong woman and I think you're going to be fine, you and your daughter both!
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Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I've been through some really horrible break-ups before. My high school sweetheart that I married at 18 came home after we had been married for 5 years and told me that he got another girl pregnant and then he was murdered. I was involved with a mentally/physically abusive man for 2 horrible years and left both a drug addiction and him behind. Its not easy but you can do it. Remember to take it one day at a time. Love and hugs
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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God is Faithful!
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That's beyond horrible.
But if I am reading between the lines you're not devastated as you aren't in love wit him anymore? It's all VERY sad.
I'm so sorry you are going through this Shannon.
I was in a VERY unhappy relationship for 10 yrs and then the man of my dreams came out of nowhere. ****YAY TOMMY***** You're a SUPER person and deserve soemone who's there for you and doesn't want to act like a freakin tennager. UGH! My friend (also a Shannon, coincedentally) is going through this with her BF. He goes out ALL teh time even though the have an infant. She FINALLY left him but it's all still a huge mess.
If it's not meant to be, let him leave. As Casey said, there's a better man waiting for you out there who will WANT to spend all his time with you and your child.
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We are all here for you, Shannon. {{{{HUGS}}}} You did not deserve this emotional crap he's dumping on you!! You are an excellent example of a strong, caring lady. I often wish I had as great a disposition as you, and your smile and your words of comfort never fail to inspire me.
His unilateral decision is extremely puerile and self-motivated. I'm disgusted at this total emotional abandonment. How does he think that this decision isn't going to bite him in the butt in the end?? This is bringing up old deamons in my life and I'm getting very emotional for you (and for me). 
I'm going to get on a personal rant here, so if you don't want to read it, skip to the bottom) 
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Daddy thinks it's sooo easy. I'm sooo sure he's being amicable. He has no idea what this is going to cost him after child support and alimony each month. I'll bet he's playing nice right now. He should leave with NOTHING and pay you for the house and child.
It burns me up. This egocentric idea of trying to recreate a life that doesn't exist anymore at the expense of his loving wife and daughter makes me want to throw gasoline on him and light a match. My father in a rash of completely sociopathic behaviour, abandoned my mom, little brother and me. Wasn't cut out to live with actual people who loved him. Do I suffer? I suffer every day because of it. *tears*
I would gladly pay a counselor $20,000 to get me to the point where I'd admit "I just want my father to love me and be proud of me." But I'm not done hating him yet. It's easier to just hate him so much that it burns up inside me. I will hate as long as I can, because when you stop, it hurts like hell.
I've never let a man close who hasn't betrayed me (in my mind), and so it's easier to keep everyone at arm's length. I will never marry and have children. So vowed I when I was 11, so vow I now, at 35. Just in case men don't think a parent's divorce hurts little girls. My personal rant!!!!
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OK, end rant. Begin reading again
Shannon, we are here for you and your baby. You are so important to us, and we love you. Please lean on us as hard as you can. You have done nothing wrong.
I hope it's spelled out exactly on paper exactly how much it's going to cost him to #1) Move out #2) find a new place, #3) pay for childcare, #4) pay for alimony. Maybe it will shake some sense into him.
So he wants to feel loved and needed and have something to live for. Well join the club!! There is no reason he can't find those things within his marriage. The college years are over, and there are better things on the horizon. I don't think he really wants to be the sad older divorced guy drinking beer with other post-pubescent lonely guys who don't give a crap about him.
After he starts paying you, there won't be any beer money left anyway. Sick that in his pipe and smoke it!
Much love to you, Shannon. Protect yourself and your child and visit here whenever you need to connect. I'm sending you tons of strength to not knock his block off. (Tho I'd be glad to smack him around for you)
~a very emotional nelly~ 
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I'm sorry to hear this, Shannon. I don't quite understand "falling out of love," since I think relationships have their ups and downs as they develop and change. Whatever you decide, I support your decision and I hope you and your daughter will be happy and secure.
Big hugs!
Edited by Maria! Maria! (05/18/06 12:37 PM)
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said "two phone calls and he won't ahve any tires on his brand new car."
I told him to hold it!! But how sweet eh? 
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Keep on keepin' on...
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I just ahve to stay strong for kayleigh and I know I can. I just love Trevor so much, you know? that in love-love that I was acking for a while is back now, good timing, eh?
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Keep on keepin' on...
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I am a child of divorce so I always thought it would happen to me too.
Having said that, I really thought we were complacent but happy, you know? There wasn't a big passionate flame but I thought it'd return. I don't know, maybe it still will. I'll let him be who he wants to be... (I've never ever pressured him to do anything he doesn't want to do, and I won't change that right now!!) and see if he misses it. I'm not saying it'll be easy but maybe he needs to see the other side of things to know how much he loves us. He does love me, and I love him DEARLY, but we haven't been able to priorotize ourselves, as my career is daytime and his is night time. We just don't have the ability to be together nearly as much as we'd like to be.
Actually we've been together more this week than in 3 months,lol.
I love him very deeply in a very peaceful companion way, as I think he does too, but I wonder if he thinks it always has to be a freaking burlesque show in the bedroom for things to be good. He'll be sorely mistaken if he believes that's how life works.
Anyhow, I heard whispers but as Oprah said,it was still a brick to the head that got my attention. And I'm very much not ready to let go, and still have hope.
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Keep on keepin' on...
Edited by Shannon :) (05/18/06 12:40 PM)
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Sweetie, my counselor once explained that in marriage, the love changes. There's first the infatuation, then the head over heels love, and there's a companionship and comfort phase. It sounds like you've hit that. It's not a bad thing, it's just as you said there's not the initial fireworks that there was. At this stage of a relationship, youneed to work on it, nurture it. You need dates, romance, silliness, companionship, time together. You have to work to keep it real. At least we do.
Second, this whole thing of wanting to be a bum and party is crap in my opinion. It sounds almost like a midlife crisis - which usually happens for two reasons. One - the person looks at their life to now and thinks everything is done, so what now? or TWO - the person looks at their life to now and thinks of all the things that they want to do. I think this is about a lot more than wanting to party. I think he needs serious counselling. He owes it to you - that at least to find out exactly WHY he wants out. The party thing sounds like a 2 year old.
You said that you don't have a lot of time together, so I suspect it's all of these things working against you two. I strongly urge the two of you to get some counselling - regardless of the outcome so at least you both understand why and have no regrets later (as I suspect he would!!!)
Love you bunches, canuk girl. We all love you and are here for you. You are an amazing woman and he is taking that for granted.
Hugs and kisses,
A.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Shannon, when my husband almost left me...(both times) his issues had so little to do with me, he was trying to figure himself out.
I agree that counseling would be a good idea...make sure the counselor is a man...make sure he is a Christian counselor...with you both being a couple of faith, a mutual faith is huge. I know that Trevor says he won't go...don't give up or just go yourself!
Hugs,
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Have a blessed day! Rachel
Formerly poochibelly...
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Shannon
#264176 - 05/18/06 02:10 PM
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After reading some of your reactions to people responses it seems like you still love him and don't want things to end. I'm sorry that I thought that you didn't want to put up a fight.
If it's any consolation my brother and his wife went through a break up. They had been together for 10 years or so (and 2 super adorable girls). My bro decided he wanted the party life once again and so he ended thins with his GF. Long story short, they both dated other for the few months that they split up. They were both very unhappy apart and saw that the grass was NOT greener at all. He missed the girls terribly.
So they not only got back together but they got married to fianlly "seal the deal". I hate to say it but maybe it will take your hubby seeing that the grass isn't greener and that he already has a super wife.
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Nelly
#264177 - 05/18/06 02:13 PM
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I am so sorry that your dad hurt you and your family so much. You have every right to be mad about it.
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I am so sorry this has happened, Shannon. I imagine you feel like you've been kicked in the gut. It will be rough for a while, but it does get better. And if your husband really does just walk away from you and Kayleigh without making any attempt to work things out, he's a fool.
Shannon, please see a lawyer as soon as possible, preferably right away. It sounds like you're hoping for a reconciliation and if so, I certainly think you should do whatever you can to achieve one and I hope you succeed. If that doesn't work out, though, you need to be sure you've protected yourself and, even more, Kayleigh.
Your husband doesn't even have to know you've seen an attorney - you definitely should not see his - but you need to know what your options are and what his responsibilities are, to both you and Kayleigh. (I'm willing to believe there isn't another woman, but I'd bet money on him having already talked to an attorney, especially with your Outback franchise in play.)
Take care.
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[Research tells us fourteen out of any ten individuals likes chocolate. - Sandra Boynton]
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Oh Shannon, my heart hurts for you, you poor sweetheart. I can't think of what to say, or how to comfort you, but I wanted to send my hugs and thoughts and support to you and Kayleigh.
You are a strong girl with a fantastic strength and such a sunny outlook, you WILL get through this.
Many many hugs
PS Your brother sounds just like mine
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S.
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No words of wisdom, Shannon, just wanted to let you know how sorry I am.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Oh Shannon,
I do know how you are feeling. I'm so sorry. I have been exactly where you are (except there was another woman). On Feb. 8th, 1996 my ex told me he was out of love and was leaving me. On Feb. 9th he left. It was OK with me from a "love" standpoint because I didn't love him anymore either, but it was scary because like you, I had a young child ( my son had just turned 3). It bites when some one just decides to dispense of their spouse, doesn't it? Even if you are already feeling estranged, it hurts real bad when your spouse just says it out loud.
A word about amicable divorces. Few stay that way. Wise words from Sand, please see an attorney ASAP. Before my husband even told me he was leaving, he had already planned to take custody of our son and move out of state with him. This never actually happened , but it was a good thing that I sought top-notch representation for myself and my son's sake, because it did get ugly.
On a better note, this time of my life turned out to be absolutely exhilerating! After I got used to the fact that he was gone, I got real happy and eventually met some one else. It was a great time in my life in many ways.
Hang in there Shannon, you are such a positive person and you really are young and you have so much ahead of you!
Laura
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Oh Shannon I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through and I know you and Kayleigh don't deserve for this to be happening. You are such a strong woman I have no doubt you'll work things out for you two. I'm so sorry and will keep you in my thoughts.
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Shannon,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. I just want you to know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,
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Janey
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Nelly,
#264346 - 05/19/06 10:58 AM
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_Willow
Reged: 04/06/05
Posts: 2090
Loc: Canada.
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My dad left my mom for her best friend. I can understand your anger. lease see my latest post though.
I agree with you 100% but I'm not calling it quits yet. I have hope still.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Yes, I love him like nobody else!!! I do NOT want this to end, and I am willing to do whatever it takes, and he knows that.
Read my new post as to why I really doubt it has anything to do with me. And why I think we have hope still.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Thant's what I called it before I said that it was his work. And I believe that's what it is. He is so pressured at work and he's so closed off to talking about his feelings. So there's definintely work to do if we stay together. his mom is talking to him right now. I just pray they can knock some sense into the boy. I'm absolutely the perfect wife for him, and vice versa.
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Keep on keepin' on...
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Ok I will read your new post!
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