What do you guys think? (friendship-related post) - long
#259659 - 04/22/06 06:02 PM
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Ok some of you know that I recently moved to NYC from Canada to be with Tommy. Well I left some very good friends behind. Some of them are keeping in touch and even coming all the way to NYC for our wedding (two friends with their husbands).
But I haven't heard from two of them for MONTHS. I know it may seem obvious to just forget about them but I am hurt. They both promised to keep in touch and they haven't. One of them I haven't heard from AT ALL. She has a one-year old and is back at school part-time. But she promised to email me. I don't have her email address to contcat her. (I always called her).
The other emailed me very quick emails with only a question or two and nothing special. And I think it was ALWAYS me who event sent the emails and she just replied. So I stopped emailing her to see if she'd take the initiative. Did she? NOPE! 
Also I should mention that these two girls are friends with the ex and they're husbands are best friends with the ex. I know it's probably just best to forget about them as I never want to hear about the ex or have him get ANY info about me.
Distance should not be a factor as some of my closest friends live in: Toronto (Ontario), Calgary (Alberta), and Fredericton (New Brunswick) and the other two in Ottawa (Ontario). Emails are super easy and we've all stayed super close even though none of us have lived in the same city for ages!!! One lived in Ireland for a few years and one lived in Taiwan for a year!!! Now, I'm just rambling.... he he 
Am I silly to be kinda sad? Because I am. I know I'll go back to Ottawa at some point for a vist and I obviously won't bother letting them know about it but what if I ever run into them?
Something else really bugs me about this situation. They know that I'm going to get married in June and the fact that they're not going to acknowledge my wedding AT ALL is really hurtful.  I went to one of their weddings.
Maybe out of sight -- out of mind really is true?!
Ok, I'm done typing. I'd love your input. Thanks.
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I think that moves like yours test friendships and you find out who really cares about you and wants to be your friend. My husband says that people go in and out of our lives because we have something to learn from them or something to teach them. And then we all move on to whatever is next. Maybe the learning and teaching is done for a few of your friends. Or maybe they're wondering why you haven't called them. If you still have their numbers, you could give it a try. Either way, it's not silly to be sad. Sometimes it's hard to let go of something that is important to you.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Hey Sara,
I don't think you're silly to be sad. In all my years of moving around I've learned most friends come and go. A few stick it out across long distance, but they're rare. I'm sorry they're not there for you like you want them to be.
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You're probably right about them coming and going. To me, the fact that they haven't made any effort is pretty much a deal-breaker for me. That's why I've given up on them both,
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Melissa
#259670 - 04/22/06 08:13 PM
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Moving does test friendships tremendously!
I agree with your husband that we meet certain people for a reason. One of the girls is hugely responsible for getting me to dump my ex because she was super blunt about how rotten he was to me. Maybe that was her purpose.
I don't have her email anymore. I wouldn't call either of them. I just hate that it's up to me to make the next move. I wouldn't want either of them responsding just to be polite. I think that there's a chance that it's easier now that I've moved to not be part of my life because they still see the ex.
I also can't help but think that it's probably a good thing that I don't keep in touch because the ex found out way too much about Tommy and me through one girl I "thought" was a friend. I wouldn't want that with them. Plus one thing that bugs me is that the one girl was always mentionning people that were touchy subjects for me. Maybe this is for the best...
The ones that are truly great friends are coming 500 miles to my wedding, email me and generally make the mutual effort to keep in touch.
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Well I just have to say that you should definitely not feel silly for being hurt. I have been in situations like this before too, and it is just in my nature to want to be a really good friend to people and I have realized a few too many times that it just gets to the point where it is no longer worth it to me to try. It doesn't stop it from hurting though to realize that you cared for someone way more than they ever cared about you. But just remind yourself that you don't need those people and it is really their loss because you were a great friend.
I hope that helped a little.  And you may have lost a couple people that now you realize probably weren't ever really your friends, but you gained Tommy and he will be your best friend for life. So I'd say you are the winner there.
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Oh your post was so sweet. I LOVE the part about finding Tommy and how he'll be my best friend for life. It's so true. He's worth way more than the two of them put together! 
You cheered me up by reminding me of that very important fact!!
And yes, it is their loss. If they call me up wanting to visit NYC, I'll be laughing at them right after I direct them to a REALLY EXPENSIVE HOTEL. he he
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I'm glad it cheered you up!
And I love that expensive hotel idea. Make them fly into an airport that's farther away too just to make it difficult.
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It did!!
Oh yes, I could have a real good time making is VERY expensive and difficult for them. he he
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Have you sent out the invitations to these two women?
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Gracie
#259683 - 04/22/06 08:42 PM
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No because they both told me neither of them could go. One is a teacher and the wedding falls in a busy time for her. The other couldn't afford the expense.
The fact that they're not coming to the wedding is ok. It's that they've forgotten completely about me that bothers me so much.
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Post deleted by Jeano
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Thanks Shelby. I have to say that I agree with you 100%.
Everyone is busy and that's no excuse. The ones that do keep in touch have busy lives as well.
I think you're onto something about jealousy. The one friend (teacher who has email) got all weird about my moving here and other things. Aslo when I first started dating Tommy she kept trying to get me to think of dating people in Ottawa too. I was in love with Tommy so of course that never crossed my mind. I don't know what her problem is?!
I know Tommy is the greatest as are ALL YOU GUYS on the boards!!! HUGS!!!  
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Well I think you've done all you can. The ball is in their court and if they don't return it, you don't owe them anything. It's normal to feel sad and you're not being silly about it. I do think out of sight, out of mind has something to do with it though.
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In their defense, some people are just better about keeping in touch than others. One of my best friends has moved all over the world since we graduated high school, and she's much better about making the calls and stuff than I am. I just get busy and let it slide sometimes.
Having said that, I would absolutely NEVER let months go by without talking to her. These girls might like you as a friend, just not an extremely close friend.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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That's a good friend. I flew from Sacramento to Ohio a few years back to sing in a friend's wedding. We've been friends for about 13 years now. I have a few best friends that I'd circle the world for. A lot of other people have come and gone in my life but the few who are still there are worth more than all the rest put together.
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***********************
If you're not dead, you've still got time.
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Yes, I have had a similar situation. I worked with a gal for 10 yrs and then the boss decided to retire and we didn't work together anymore. We had become really close, even though she was younger than me, telling each other our problems, etc.
As soon as we didn't work together anymore she just dropped out of sight. I called her a couple of times but she hardly ever called me. It really hurt.
Anyway, believe it or not we are working together again. This time, though, I will not expect anything if we don't continue to work together anymore.
My advice to you is to let those friends go. Concentrate on the ones that respond to you....they are your true friends.
I know it hurts cause I've been there but believe me, time will heal and you will put them behind you.
Barbie
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Oh, I have SOOOOOO been there!
Girl, let them go. It won't serve you well to mourn the loss. Let them go. It's in the past; it's over with.
This has happened to me SOOOOO many times. The last girlfriend I had is in California; when she told me she loved me, I was determined to hold onto her no matter what. When I lived in California, we worked together, but when she changed jobs, I was miserable without her, so I got a job at her new office to be close to her. When we decided to move away from California, she was the only thing that concerned me; I did not want to lose her. She assured me that could never happen between us, but she lied.
I e-mailed her CONSTANTLY, and she e-mailed me back, but not as often. As time passed, I heard less and less from her. I called her, and e-mailed her even more until I realized she didn't have the time for me anymore. I didn't want to force myself on her, so I stopped e-mailing too.
I went through an awful mourning period, like a death in the family. Barbie was SOOOOO incredibly supportive and gave me some very wise advice that I'm gonna pass on to you: for now -- just for now -- put your friends up on the shelf. You can always take them down at any time IF YOU WANT, but just put them up there and keep them there. That's what I did with my friend; she became known as The Shelf Lady.
Last Christmas, I was shocked to receive a phone call from The Shelf Lady. A lot of time had passed, and I had finally gotten over her; it was a good thing. But when she called, I was dumbfounded. For awhile, I took The Shelf Lady down off that shelf. We talked for over two hours, and, while it was nice hearing about the old gang in
California, the feelings I had for her had passed; it was over.
I haven't heard from The Shelf Lady since. She's no longer on that shelf; she's gone.
People come into our lives and leave just as quickly; it's something I've always had a problem with. But putting those we love up on The Shelf worked for me because I knew I still had them up there and could take them down at any time IF I CHOSE. Use The Shelf.
BTW, I had a wonderful wedding 39 years ago, but do you know that now I couldn't name ONE of our friends who attended?!
You're a very personable gal who will find new friends. I lost The Shelf Lady, but look what I found: Barbie!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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...and it does hurt when you think you had a friendship and the other person doesn't seem to have 5 minutes in their day to even say hello.
You are definitely not alone in this hurtful experience. I would just like to put out one idea, before you let the people go altogether. For the one person's who email you do have, maybe think about emailing her one more time and telling her exactly what you told us....how hurt you are that she doesn't contact you anymore. You don't have to beg her for her friendship...but let her know how disappointed and sad you are for the lose. For me, I would need to have this "closure" (such a psych term).  I admit, I haven't done this with a few people in my own life who have disappointed me, that I think I will.
I did the whole not emailing until she emailed me back...and guess what? One never did and the other took over a year...and had the nerve to ask me why I had stopped emailing her...if I was mad at her or something. No, I was just tired of not ever getting responses to my emails.
I don't like how these relationships just ended...so I think it's time I let these people know how sad and disappointed I am. I'm not going to beg them to email me or to become friends again, if, in fact, our time in each others lives has run it's cycle. But it just doesn't feel right to let them think I am fine or don't care or that the end of hearing from them didn't hurt me.
Sure, it may be time for us to part ways...I do believe people pass in and out of our lives ....but for me, if I really care about them, I need to let them know how sad it made me. I wouldn't do this with everyone...but I would for the people who I really felt more connected to.
Does any of this make sense? Or am I just babbling now? I guess I don't know what is the right thing to do!  Accept the fact that our time together is over and that is natural...or to confront them one more time and tell them how it effected me. I know it doesn't feel right how it is so unsettled now...and I always wonder how they could just drop me. But at the same time, I don't expect my last "reaching out to them" will matter over time. They still probably won't have time for me...and I might even feel like if I do hear from them it will be out of pity...which I don't want either.
Okay, I was trying to help you....and I'm just dizzy with confusion now! I tell ya, y'all must think I'm just one very wishy washy, indecisive, confused person. And you guys would be right!
What a helpful post this was, huh Tina! Oy. Maybe it should be deleted! I'm just thinking out loud and maybe I should just shut up!
Whatever you decide, I agree...it is their loss. I know that doesn't make the disappointment any less...but it is so true.
Love ya
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Hmmm....
#259721 - 04/23/06 08:03 AM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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You gave made a lot to think about. You make a lot of sense Barbie and Bev.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Re: Been there.....
#259722 - 04/23/06 08:15 AM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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Barbie is right, keep the friends who respond to you. I love this proverb "make new friends but keep the old, one is silver the other gold" If they are your true friends they would be emailing you, supporting you from a distance for your upcoming wedding - BTW what day? My wedding is June 3rd. I have just gone through all of this 2 times in the last 3 years - I had one friend who used me economically and transportation speaking until she got married - I was the maid-of-honour - to pay for the shower, drive her around (no DL) etc. Then she just stopped calling. So I stopped trying to keep in touch - not worth it!! Lately I became good friends with another girl I've known for 7 years or so. She said I was like a little sister to her, her only true best friend, etc. A month or so ago she, her husband and her son dropped out of my wedding party! The reason "you and Thomas just aren't the type of people we feel we should stand up for" Whatever she meant by that is still unknown to us! We are motorcycle riders (not "bikers") and they don't like it. So too bad!! It's my life not hers!!
So my advice to you, as I ramble on here, keep the friends who want to be your friends close to you and close to heart. The "opportunity" friends will call on you when they need you. And maybe by then you won't be feeling as hurt as you are right now, and you can be just as unfriendly back!
~~~~~~~~~ HUGS~~~~~~~~~~~ I'll be your e-friend! Heck, I'll be anybody's e-friend - I'm kinda lonely here too! I've got my fiance and family. That exhausts my list!
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Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Bevy
#259723 - 04/23/06 08:20 AM
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Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me. It sounds like it was very hard for you to go through but that you've dealt with it and have moved on.
That shelf idea is super. The more that I think about it, I'm not sure that either of them even deserve to be put on the shelf. They were never as close to me as your friend was.
True about the wedding.
Thanks for your kind words about me being personable. I take friendships super seriously and have a hard time letting them end. But I think that it's time to gve up on these two and that's that. Like you, maybe I'll get word from ne of them some day. Who knows!
Thanks Bevy, your advice is always gold to me.
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I agree with you that I should concentrate on the friends that ARE making the effort.
Thanks for your advice. I'm so glad you and Bev have found great friends in each other through this web site. That makes me very happy!
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The wedding is June 9!!! Are you ready for yours?
The more responses I read, the more I realize that this seems to happen to everyone. I guess friends just come and go and that's that.
Your situation is crazy. Why would you not be invited to be in the wedding? Duh!
Hey if you have any wedding craziness that you want to share, I'm your woman. We're getting married 6 days apart. Cool!
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Maybe you nailed it. That I'm a friend to them, but not a "best friend". Maybe that's all it is. I don't consider either of them best friends either but I did expect an email here and there.
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I know. To do that is a VERY good friend. One of them I only met 2 years ago and I worked with her. But she's a great gal and has kept in toch really well even though her job is insanely busy.
Thanks.
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Bethie
#259728 - 04/23/06 08:33 AM
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We are both on the same page and think pretty much the same way regarding this.
I'm sorry that you've been let down by friends too. It's not fun, is it!
No, don't delete your post!!!!
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I was just coming back to delete this before leaving for church...but you already saw it!
I was just going to say that I deleted it because I was just as confused about how to handle this as you! So, I wasn't very helpful and should just let the others advise us both!
Let me know how you decide to handle this. And no, it's not fun.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Don't ever delete things Bethie! You said everything that was on your mind, why go back and take it away!
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A friend from Toronto (who I've known since grade 9) is coming up to New York on Wednesday and we're going to meet up! Of all people though, we're not that close anymore and I'm a bit surprised that's she coming here. She was just here the other month but I was super sick and couldn't see her. We email each other every couple of weeks or so. But she loves NYC and has been here tons of times before I even moved here.
So looks like I'm going to get to see a fellow Canadian again! It's been so long! Not sure if she's planning on seeing me exclusively while she's here or not because she has another friend in Brooklyn!
This makes me happy! 
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Tina,
I have been there and it is hurtful. I just left Spain after 11 years and only one person writes me. I was so suprised and hurt because I thought I had some good friends.
The best thing for you is to focus on the friends that do stay in contact with you. The others, it is their loss. You are a special person and they are missing out by not staying friends with you.
It is dissappointing to think that people are friends only to find out that they really aren't. I think most people only have a few really close friends and the rest are just aquaintances. It is good that you discovered this now before you put any more of yourself into the relationships.
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Janey
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Janey
#259740 - 04/23/06 10:09 AM
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You're so right. They were just acqaintances and not real friends. Guess this is how I found that out. It's a good lesson to learn!
I'm sorry only one of your friends from Spain has kept in touch. That's not very nice.
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On friends...
#259752 - 04/23/06 11:45 AM
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Snorkie
Reged: 02/15/05
Posts: 1999
Loc: Northern Illinois, USA
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I am an army brat and the longest I've lived continously is...4 years, 2 months, and about 1 week. (That would be where I live now.) Army brats aren't the best in keeping in touch with each other directly. Of some of the fellow army brats I went through one year of high school with, I only know what they're up to because my folks keep up with their folks; mostly Christmas letters and the like. But we were a very tight bunch for one cool year in the '80s.
There is one person from that year I still keep in touch with. In fact, she's the only person from three high schools that I'm in touch with. I was her maid of honor when she was married in 1991 and she was my matron of honor in 2004. She came from out of state, had a baby about 3 weeks before my wedding...and she was STILL there! She's the type of friend that you could not see for years but then be able to pick up again right where you left off. We have always had very different lives, but we keep in touch. We're not best friends, but I think of her as a TRUE friend nonetheless.
I haven't had a best friend in years. I had a best friend in college. I thought we would know each other always. We were so close we used to get each others' homework assignments confused and a few times, we introduced the other using our own name! But we lost contact a couple of years after graduation. I haven't seen or heard from her since 1998. I still miss her. She pops up in my dreams a couple of times a year. I finally put her on the shelf two years ago. I still had her folks' address, so I sent a wedding invitation. It didn't come back to me, but neither did a response card.
I don't know. In my experience, it's better to focus on the here-and-now and the potential for new friendships rather than dwell too much on the friendships that have fallen away due to distance or lack of communication.
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I think it's totally normal for you to feel this way and I don't think it's too much for you to expect them to make a bit of an effort to keep in touch.
If they're friends with the ex though then perhaps that's got something to do with it?
If you really really value these people as friends then I might suggest sending them an email telling them about your concerns and your feelings and see if they how/if they respond?
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having moved a lot from childhood right through adulthood... true friends will stay in touch, the others won't.. and its worth the effort to both parties if they are real friends.. if not, the friendship would have eventually ended or turned toxic anyway, so forcing the issue isn't worth your energy if they don't take it upon themselves to stay in touch after you initiate things.
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Janna
#259819 - 04/24/06 06:54 AM
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Thanks for your thoughtful reply.
I agree that it's probably better to focus and the here and now.
I'm sorry about your friend that you lost touh with. That's sad.
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Re: Cassandra
#259936 - 04/24/06 07:03 PM
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Toady
Reged: 04/06/06
Posts: 1299
Loc: A small city, Northwestern Ontario, Canada
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Sara,
Yes, crazy is about it, but I'm managing fairly well everyone says!! I still have all my hair and only 1/2 of it has turned white!! I'm ready for my wedding, just waiting on reply cards and menu choices. Thomas picked up his suit today, we picked up the rings after work. So far everything fits, everything has been ready on time and it's going better now on my own than when I had a maid of honour! My sis-in-law just finished exams so she wasn't able to help me out much, yet. We still have to cut and wrap wedding cake (traditional, Grandma made it for me ) and package gifts, etc. Good luck too, it's only 40 days for me, so 46 for you!!
--------------------
Cassandra
Live like there's no tomorrow. Love like you've never loved before.
IBS A 20+ years, Chronic Migraines, Chiari Malformation (decompressed June 22, 2010), Brachial Neuritis, and ??? the list just keeps growing, but I'm still shiny side up!
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Ha ha, my Tommy is really a Thomas so we have the same finacee/husband name!
Oh my gosh!!! It's 46 days for me. Yikes! And even fewer for you but you sound well prepared!
Out of curiosity, how many of the people that you invited have not responded? We invited close to 75 and have only heard from roughly 50 of them!
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