Question about being manic depressive
#258657 - 04/18/06 08:07 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I know a couple of girls here have issues with this and I'm wondering what exactly your symptoms are/were? If you don't feel comfortable talking so public, please email me, its in my profile. I'm asking because I'm wondering if I'm having some issues here as well.
I've always had ups and downs but I'm sure most people do. Some days I seem to do just ok. I can enjoy the sunshine, sing along with the radio in the car and have fun with Harley. Other days, I'm sooo down, its all I can do to function at work. Physically, I'm feeling pretty bad at the moment and yesterday it was all I could do to be nice to people when they came in. I had to put forth a LOT of effort to be with people (I work in an eye doctors office.) One of my girlfriends stopped by and I just wanted her to leave, I couldn't find anything to say because all I wanted to do was cry and say how miserable I was. I wanted until I got home and I just told Will I was having a really bad day and just wanted to curl up in my chair with Harley. I went to bed at 8pm and laid there for 2 hours thinking really bad thoughts. I was thinking of what I would write in good bye letters if I were to just go to sleep and never wake up again. I have a small pharmacy at home and I just couldn't stop thinking about how nice it would be to just go to sleep and never wake up, to never have to deal with the pain, the depression, people, my lack of accomplishments, my dysfunctional family, my lack of health, on and on and on. I get like this a few times a month, at least.
I've talked to my therapist about it a few months ago but I think she just thought I was having a bad day or something. I've not really ever told Will because I feel like such a burden on him as it is. He has said, a number of times though, that my moods seem to be either very high or very low. This has been going on for the last couple of years. More so since losing the twins and getting so sick. I used to keep going by the sheer will of wanting a child so badly. Now, I still want a child but I'm not as sure, I can't help but to think something in the universe in telling me I shouldn't be a mommy for whatever reason. And, I'm just not at all healthy enough right now and I'll be 36 soon so the ole biological clock is ticking, loudly.
I don't know if this is just run of the mill depression or if its something more serious. I'm already on 100mg of zoloft and xanax as needed. If I am manic depressive, what would they do? Am I just hormonal and blowing this way out of proportion? Do other people think like this? 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Michele, your post worried me!!!! If you are having any suicidal thoughts at all please meet with your therapist ASAP! And don't ever harm yourself!!!! That is an order. 
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I don't think I'm suicidal as I recongize the thoughts when I get them and know they are bad or wrong or however you want to put it. I used to think I couldn't do that to Will but sometimes now I think he might be better off, that I'm just dragging him down. Last night Harley was right there with me, licking my tears and letting me know that he couldn't do without me and that helped a lot. I know I'm premenstraul right now and that always makes thing worse but since losing my twins, my hormones seem to be even more up and down, that my pms is so much worse. I don't know if thats what this is right now or what. I don't mean to be a drama queen or anything but I feel like I'm just running on empty.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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You aren't being a drama queen! You've been through hell Michele. It's not easy to get over all the dissapointment you've had. 
Will would be devastated without you. Nobody is better off with a wife that's committed suicide!!!!
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Michele - I have manic depressive and I'm e-mailing you NOW!!!!
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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if you ever decided to say goodbye. Don't believe me? How many letters did everyone here send you when you lost the twins? You are loved and valued. I am always amazed when I see you reply to other people's posts about fertility questions. I know you are not a very religious person but if you believe there is a plan for each of us or at least a mission for us each to take on, think of how your horrible trials have made you a more compassionate person to couples having fertility problems. You know better than anyone that there is a serious lack of compassion in that field.
I definitely think you need to alert your therapist and / or physician about the feelings you are having. Then maybe you should think about a career switch. I know that might seem huge and overwhelming but if you don't feel like your life has any purpose right now, you gotta take that into your own hands and give yourself something purposeful to do. If you think you have the stomach for it and are ready to talk about the topic, maybe you can get a job at a fertility center and be a reassuing presence for women who are going through what you are going through. You already know just about everything about the topic. If you're not ready for that, maybe just become a moderator on a fertility message board (if you're not already).
To answer your other questions, no, I don't think that healthy and happy people have the thoughts you are having. I do have very lazy down days when I don't feel like doing anything, and I have had periods where I'm very sad and depressed (following breakups and deaths, for example), but I think I've always been aware that the hard times will pass and that I'll get through it. I hope that's a helpful answer.
I know better than to try to force my faith on someone else, but I think my belief in God is what has gotten me through the hardest times.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
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Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
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Thanks AmandaPanda. You're right, the amount of letters and cards and general support I received when I lost the twins was overwhelming. I still have every card and still read through them on bad days.
I've thought about a career switch but I'm just not really qualified to do much else. Yes, I know a LOT about fertility but I have no formal training, nothing certified. I'm not sure I could actually do something like that because I'm still trying to deal with my own loses and trying to accept the fact that it is a very real possibility that I might never have a child.
I feel so out of it most of the time, like I can't concentrate. I can pretty much do my job in my sleep and its a very slow office so I have a lot of down time. I'm not sure if thats good or bad as I also spend a lot of time alone but I'm not sure if I could handle the pressure of a more stressful job.
I know there are many people out there much worse than I am. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing. For the last couple of years, I've just felt like I'm getting through the day, not really living life. I think I post so much because giving other people advice makes me feel better about myself. Yet, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make major changes right now. I keep thinking tomorrow will be better. I don't like feeling like this, I WANT to be happy and content but I just don't feel like I have to energy or streagnth to do so.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad...so beaten up by life. It's a horrible place to be. I couldn't be here today if it weren't for the support and love I receive on the board. You helped me so much...your words and emails. You do matter! You helped me so much with your words and your continual fight to live life despite the humungous hurdles and physical and mental pain.
I think more people have had these thoughts than we know....but we just don't act on them. I've had lots of people tell me they have thought about how much easier life would be if they would die. But, with the help and love of other people here, and in your own life, you continue to battle on. Yes, it would devestate Will...and Harley! And all of us! And so many people in your life...You touch so many people...you are a precious person who I thank God for sending into my life.
Please keep talking with us and your docs about your feelings. There is no judgement here....and noone can accuse you of being a drama queen. I'm so in awe that you don't complain more!
I should send you one of the emails you wrote to me not too long again. You probably wouldn't believe how strong you were in those emails....and that is still you! Maybe not feeling it today...but you will again. Everyone has bad days...days where we are just so tired.
Please know how much you are loved. Amanda had a lot of helpful words. Know that you are being prayed for right this minute.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Michele
#258686 - 04/18/06 09:24 AM
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I do agree with what Amanda has said...my favorite ministry is sharing with those who have had fertility issues as you know that I have and walking people thru the adoption process is something that I know God has put me on this earth to do. It helps the pain and give what I went thru purpose...that alone is freeing.
Hugs,
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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I'm sorry you're having bad thoughts. I hope some girls here can help you or you can find the right therapeutic help you need. It definitely sounds like something more than just moodiness, and frankly, who wouldn't have problems after all you've been through? Sometimes our minds suffer when our body does too. So please get help and try to hang in there!
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