Question about being manic depressive
#258657 - 04/18/06 08:07 AM
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
I know a couple of girls here have issues with this and I'm wondering what exactly your symptoms are/were? If you don't feel comfortable talking so public, please email me, its in my profile. I'm asking because I'm wondering if I'm having some issues here as well.
I've always had ups and downs but I'm sure most people do. Some days I seem to do just ok. I can enjoy the sunshine, sing along with the radio in the car and have fun with Harley. Other days, I'm sooo down, its all I can do to function at work. Physically, I'm feeling pretty bad at the moment and yesterday it was all I could do to be nice to people when they came in. I had to put forth a LOT of effort to be with people (I work in an eye doctors office.) One of my girlfriends stopped by and I just wanted her to leave, I couldn't find anything to say because all I wanted to do was cry and say how miserable I was. I wanted until I got home and I just told Will I was having a really bad day and just wanted to curl up in my chair with Harley. I went to bed at 8pm and laid there for 2 hours thinking really bad thoughts. I was thinking of what I would write in good bye letters if I were to just go to sleep and never wake up again. I have a small pharmacy at home and I just couldn't stop thinking about how nice it would be to just go to sleep and never wake up, to never have to deal with the pain, the depression, people, my lack of accomplishments, my dysfunctional family, my lack of health, on and on and on. I get like this a few times a month, at least.
I've talked to my therapist about it a few months ago but I think she just thought I was having a bad day or something. I've not really ever told Will because I feel like such a burden on him as it is. He has said, a number of times though, that my moods seem to be either very high or very low. This has been going on for the last couple of years. More so since losing the twins and getting so sick. I used to keep going by the sheer will of wanting a child so badly. Now, I still want a child but I'm not as sure, I can't help but to think something in the universe in telling me I shouldn't be a mommy for whatever reason. And, I'm just not at all healthy enough right now and I'll be 36 soon so the ole biological clock is ticking, loudly.
I don't know if this is just run of the mill depression or if its something more serious. I'm already on 100mg of zoloft and xanax as needed. If I am manic depressive, what would they do? Am I just hormonal and blowing this way out of proportion? Do other people think like this? 
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele, your post worried me!!!! If you are having any suicidal thoughts at all please meet with your therapist ASAP! And don't ever harm yourself!!!! That is an order. 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I don't think I'm suicidal as I recongize the thoughts when I get them and know they are bad or wrong or however you want to put it. I used to think I couldn't do that to Will but sometimes now I think he might be better off, that I'm just dragging him down. Last night Harley was right there with me, licking my tears and letting me know that he couldn't do without me and that helped a lot. I know I'm premenstraul right now and that always makes thing worse but since losing my twins, my hormones seem to be even more up and down, that my pms is so much worse. I don't know if thats what this is right now or what. I don't mean to be a drama queen or anything but I feel like I'm just running on empty.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You aren't being a drama queen! You've been through hell Michele. It's not easy to get over all the dissapointment you've had. 
Will would be devastated without you. Nobody is better off with a wife that's committed suicide!!!!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele - I have manic depressive and I'm e-mailing you NOW!!!!
--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
if you ever decided to say goodbye. Don't believe me? How many letters did everyone here send you when you lost the twins? You are loved and valued. I am always amazed when I see you reply to other people's posts about fertility questions. I know you are not a very religious person but if you believe there is a plan for each of us or at least a mission for us each to take on, think of how your horrible trials have made you a more compassionate person to couples having fertility problems. You know better than anyone that there is a serious lack of compassion in that field.
I definitely think you need to alert your therapist and / or physician about the feelings you are having. Then maybe you should think about a career switch. I know that might seem huge and overwhelming but if you don't feel like your life has any purpose right now, you gotta take that into your own hands and give yourself something purposeful to do. If you think you have the stomach for it and are ready to talk about the topic, maybe you can get a job at a fertility center and be a reassuing presence for women who are going through what you are going through. You already know just about everything about the topic. If you're not ready for that, maybe just become a moderator on a fertility message board (if you're not already).
To answer your other questions, no, I don't think that healthy and happy people have the thoughts you are having. I do have very lazy down days when I don't feel like doing anything, and I have had periods where I'm very sad and depressed (following breakups and deaths, for example), but I think I've always been aware that the hard times will pass and that I'll get through it. I hope that's a helpful answer.
I know better than to try to force my faith on someone else, but I think my belief in God is what has gotten me through the hardest times.
I hope you start to feel better soon.
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks AmandaPanda. You're right, the amount of letters and cards and general support I received when I lost the twins was overwhelming. I still have every card and still read through them on bad days.
I've thought about a career switch but I'm just not really qualified to do much else. Yes, I know a LOT about fertility but I have no formal training, nothing certified. I'm not sure I could actually do something like that because I'm still trying to deal with my own loses and trying to accept the fact that it is a very real possibility that I might never have a child.
I feel so out of it most of the time, like I can't concentrate. I can pretty much do my job in my sleep and its a very slow office so I have a lot of down time. I'm not sure if thats good or bad as I also spend a lot of time alone but I'm not sure if I could handle the pressure of a more stressful job.
I know there are many people out there much worse than I am. I just don't understand what I'm supposed to be doing. For the last couple of years, I've just felt like I'm getting through the day, not really living life. I think I post so much because giving other people advice makes me feel better about myself. Yet, I'm not sure I'm strong enough to make major changes right now. I keep thinking tomorrow will be better. I don't like feeling like this, I WANT to be happy and content but I just don't feel like I have to energy or streagnth to do so.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm so sorry you are feeling so sad...so beaten up by life. It's a horrible place to be. I couldn't be here today if it weren't for the support and love I receive on the board. You helped me so much...your words and emails. You do matter! You helped me so much with your words and your continual fight to live life despite the humungous hurdles and physical and mental pain.
I think more people have had these thoughts than we know....but we just don't act on them. I've had lots of people tell me they have thought about how much easier life would be if they would die. But, with the help and love of other people here, and in your own life, you continue to battle on. Yes, it would devestate Will...and Harley! And all of us! And so many people in your life...You touch so many people...you are a precious person who I thank God for sending into my life.
Please keep talking with us and your docs about your feelings. There is no judgement here....and noone can accuse you of being a drama queen. I'm so in awe that you don't complain more!
I should send you one of the emails you wrote to me not too long again. You probably wouldn't believe how strong you were in those emails....and that is still you! Maybe not feeling it today...but you will again. Everyone has bad days...days where we are just so tired.
Please know how much you are loved. Amanda had a lot of helpful words. Know that you are being prayed for right this minute.
--------------------
~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Michele
#258686 - 04/18/06 09:24 AM
|
|
|
|
|
|
I do agree with what Amanda has said...my favorite ministry is sharing with those who have had fertility issues as you know that I have and walking people thru the adoption process is something that I know God has put me on this earth to do. It helps the pain and give what I went thru purpose...that alone is freeing.
Hugs,
--------------------
Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm sorry you're having bad thoughts. I hope some girls here can help you or you can find the right therapeutic help you need. It definitely sounds like something more than just moodiness, and frankly, who wouldn't have problems after all you've been through? Sometimes our minds suffer when our body does too. So please get help and try to hang in there!
--------------------
 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks Ginger. You are always so kind!!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks Augie, you're right, I'm just feeling so tired. I'm really wondering if I'm having some sort of delayed post partum depression or something hormonally has changed since losing the babies because I'm just not the same.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Michele
#258694 - 04/18/06 09:43 AM
|
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
I wish I could accept things as well as you. I do post a lot of fertility boards and try and help people but its hard when I'm still hurting. The whole fertility thing aside, I just can't imagine spending the rest of my life in so much physical pain. I'm not sure if its just because its been one thing after another for the last couple of years or just what.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Quote:
belief in God is what has gotten me through the hardest times.
Amen.  Couldn't do it without Him.
--------------------
~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hey Michele,
I was so sad when I read your post...I'm so sorry to hear that you're hurting the way you are  I know the feeling...it sounds very similar to what I go through, I often have recurrent suicidal thoughts (and also have a small pharmacy in my home) and they scare me. I don't *think* I would ever act on them but they are often there.
I would definately see a doctor ASAP. What you're experiencing isn't normal....it could be manic depression or it could be some other things. I'm personally not manic depressive but have another similar diagnosis and it's important that you get diagnosed and get treatment (this coming from a girl who can't seem to get treatment).
Also, I think the post-partum depression thing is definately something to look at as well, that can make you feel terrible and certainly cause problems. Maybe even have a whole hormone profile done to make sure nothing is seriously out of whack because even that can make you feel not like yourself (as I'm gradually learning).
Anyways, hang in there...and like Amanda said you have tons of people who love and support you on here...and I guarantee you that Will would not be better without you (no one would be). That's the trap I fall into all the time as well...and Scott always tells me that's the most painful thing for him to hear because he couldn't stand it if something happened to me. I think sometimes we just are feeling so down and so lousy that we end up with tunnel vision and don't think about all the people who love and care about us and would miss us if we were gone.
Hang in there and email me anytime if you need to chat 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I am further down the road to healing than you are which is why I suppose it is easier for me right now. The hope...the knowledge...the understanding...that you can share with others helps them immeasurably and in turn you are blessed with a little touch of healing. Sometimes you have to "fake it 'til you make it" and then suddenly you are "there"...keep on keeping on Michele.
I do understand your pain as I was there for many years...my prayer is that somehow I am offering you hope that there are better days ahead.
Hugs...I wish I could take you to lunch.
--------------------
Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks Kelly. I know you are suffering also so it means a lot that you took time to respond. Tunnel vision is a good way to describe it. I try very hard to be positive but sometimes all I see is pain and suffering. You know what, I actually looked at my calendar and my period isn't due until NEXT week so I can't even blame it on hormones!! Not to say that there isn't something hormonal to it but I was really trying to dismiss it as a pms thing. Hugs to you to!
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Re: Michele
#258725 - 04/18/06 12:20 PM
|
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
Thanks Rachel. You know though, I'm not sure this is about my miscarriages. I mean, I KNOW that its a contributing factor for sure, however, I think a part of it at least is the RA and Fibro. I've been feeling sick since the rheumy started me on the alzulfidine and think I'm going to stop taking it because I feel like barfing all the time and I'm head achy (I don't usually get headaches) and my tummy has been in an awful tizzy for weeks. I stopped the anti-inflammatory because I thought that was doing it but I'm not feeling any better and all the swelling has returned. Right now, I can't see past the physical pain my body is in. On the very rare occasion I can see past the pain, I feel empty and I'm sure thats the miscarriages so its probably just everything getting to be too much.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I have suffered severe depression like I never knew possible off and on over the past few years. I really truly empathize with you.
I have tried to write you a reply several times but keep deleting it because I have not much to offer except hugs and genuine care/concern, but beyond that what has changed my outlook and I continue to rely on is the grace of God, and I know you don't really want to hear about that and I truly dont' mean to offend you... so anyway I'll just pray you find the hope/peace that you need! I don't pretend AT ALL to know "how you feel" but I do know that hurting/pain makes it so much harder to deal with all the other stresses/pains this life often brings.
(coming back to edit that I do NOT at ALL mean to imply that you should not seek medical help/intervention for severe depression! I believe medicine has its place and would advise ANYONE with thoughts of hurting themselves to get immediate help... just HAD to include that)
((((((((hugs)))))))))))
--------------------
Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
Edited by ecmmbm (04/18/06 01:50 PM)
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm coming in late on this but wanted to send you hugs and reiterate what everyone else said.
Hang in there,
--------------------
S.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks Cailin.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Thanks michelle, of course you didn't offend me at all. I appriciate the well wishes. I agree, I think its all the pain making all the emotional stress too much right now. I keep teling myself tomorrow will be better.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele - big hugs! I've been thinking about what to write you all day. I really hope this is something you tell your doctor and therapist about and something you share with Will. I think the worst thing you could do right now is isolate yourself and keep these feelings to yourself. You're not being dramatic or hormonal - your pain is very real and it's a stress on you physically, mentally, and emotionally.
So, I'm glad you shared what you're going through with us, but I'm sorry I can't think of any way to help you. I don't know much about manic depression, although I have some experience with chronic pain and depression. You said something in another post about not feeling like you've been living your life. I feel the same way! Like the past ten years has been about trying to figure out what was wrong with me and the last three years has been just about trying to get through the day.
Even though I'm not religious - I still have faith. I don't know exactly what I have faith in, but I feel like I've been pain-free in the past, so I know it's not impossible for my body to reach that state again. I feel the same hope for you. Maybe you really do need some time to cry and let someone close to you know how miserable you're feeling. It's hard pretending everything is okay when it really isn't. And you won't be able to get the comfort and compassion you need from those closest to you if you can't share what you're feeling right now.
You've been so great and generous with all your advice regarding my recent lupus diagnosis - I wish there was something more I could do for you in return! *hugs*
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
oh michele! i'm so sorry that you are feeling so terrible. I wish I had something to add, but I do not have experience with depression, and my psychology training is all related to children (manic depression is something that is very rare in childhood, so we haven't learned much about it).
I would look online though, and search for the DSM-IV-TR definition of manic depression, and talk to your therapist about it. if you can't find the DSM info online, let me know and i'll provide it (I have the DSM). I don't know a lot about your symptoms but I would also look into bipolar syndrome as well, because manic depression sometimes mirrors bipolar with the depressed moods, and very high highs.
I agree with what everyone has said as well. you are an amazing woman, and you bring light to so many others lives despite your own pain. take care of yourself and take things one day at a time.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
one more thing, it may not be manic depression, but major depressive or dysthymic disorder, which is primarily depressed mood, lethargy, negative feelings, fatigue etc. Manic depression generally involves depressed mood, in addition to periods of mania.
For example, with manic depression you must experience three or more of the following symptoms to a significant degree..
inflated self esteem or grandiosity
decreased need for sleep
more talkative than usual
racing thoughts
distractibility
increase in goal directed activity
and excessive involvement in pleasurable activities (ie unrestrained buying sprees, etc).
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Posts
