All Boards >> The Living Room

Posts     Flat       Threaded

Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | (show all)
Abusive Relationship? (Long)
      #254122 - 03/23/06 10:11 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


I apologize for making two posts, but both I felt were important, because I am not comfortable speaking with anybody, friends, family, other than my therapist, and I only get so much time with him a week, and I only began recently.

Refresh. I am 22, male, in college.

Have any of you ever had this happen?

I got this controlling roomate, I choose to live with.
We got some things in common, the gym and hockey being two of them.
He has a gf.
I basically am with him all the time.
He at least has a break with his gf.
It stinks.
I notice when I go away from for a few days, I feel better, my head is clearer, and I want to hang out with him.

Then, within a few days of going back to the same old same old, the same stuff returns.
I lose interest in things I used to like.
I get stressed out.
I can't think for myself.

We went to Montreal over break.
I hated it.

I couldn't get into the game.
I was there but everything felt like a blah.

My biggest porblems are, I can't get interested in things I used to, I feel I can't speak up and my opinion, but most of the time, I don't know what my opinion is.
I can't think for myself, everything is a blah, I don't what I want, what I am doing, if I am doing it because I like it, he likes it, or we both do.
I'm stressed and not enjoying anything.

Funny thing is when I get a break for him or get my own life, things get better.
So I wanted to know, what do you think is going on, and what I can do so I am me again.

It honsetly feels like someone has "hacked" into my brain.
I feel brainwashed and controlled.
I don't feel in the mood to even watch hockey or hang out with others.
Yet this inversely varies.

The longer I have been with him, the greater this phneomuea is, the shorter, the better it is.

Take Sunday for example.
I'm going to the gym with him. On the bus over, I bring up I like the VW Jetta. We get into a discussion about cars.
He is so the Abercrombie and Fitch poster boy.
He cares all about style, muscles, having top of the line clothes to show off.
We get into an debate about cars.
I tell him I place more value on reliability.
He starts in about how looks are mor eimportant.
Big deal right?
Well yeh, because you see ever since I became with friends with him last spring, I've been too scared to be speak up to him for fear he won't be friends with me.
Well this time, after months of hating everything and thinking it's because I'm miserable, I came to the realization it's not me, I hate everything because I am tired of walking on egg shells and not being able to be myself.
So instead of doing the usually, saying you're right I agree with you, I stand by my opinion.

I do not cuss or get personal at all like I have done on here. I simply respectfully disagree.
Well I knew what was coming.
He didn't like it.
He kept going at with me.
Then we get upstairs to lift.
He is still angry, and stomps out saying he is so flustered he is going to go run.
He comes back in five minutes, we workout, he doesn't talk me.
Once the workout is over, he then talks to me.
I was going to go watch the NCAA game, he was going to run.
It was halftime, and he nicely talks with me, asks me to get him a sandwich while he runs.
I decide I would do him a favor since it was the break.
I then watch the game, I see my old school winning.

He comes downstairs.
Then he starts making fun of my old school.
I don't care, I like banter back and fourth, it's fun, as long as it's not personal.
I jokingly make comments about his old school, he gets angry.
His face gets angry and then he starts making personal comments to me.
I make some back to him, then he starts hitting me.
He has done this before to me in the gym, and not wanting to make a scene, I ignore it.
I know if I don't ingore it, he will go on and on.
He is an only child, and can not handle ANY crtisisms and can not take any negativivity back to him, so I knew he'd get like this.
I decide, I am not taking his BS any longer.
I hit him back, he keeps hitting me, I hit him, and then it gets harder.
Then, he leaves, doesn't even say thanks.

We both live together, we choose to.
BIG MISTAKE.
He comes that night, Sunday, doesn't talk.

On MOnday, he calls, asks to go to the gym.
I didn't want to, but I did because I wanted a spot for chest and the time was conveinent.
I was tired of taking it from him, so when I meet him there, I thought it was important to tell him not to get phsyical like that in public or anywhere again.

In the past, when I've told him not to, his response always has been that I run my mouth, I piss him off, it's my fault.
Now, I know on here I would run my mouth, but with this kid, hardly.
I hardly ever disagree with him, because I know when I do, he'll make a big stink like a spoiled, single, only child.
I don't insult or cuss, I simply don't agree with him, and he can't that.
He does not have many friends, he has a girlfriend who he is obsessed with, he sleeps with everynight, text messages 100 times a day.
His friends are all back home, and a year younger than him, or they are girls.
Why?
Because he is a control freak who won't hang out unless he is in charge.

Let me give you a good example.
A month ago, he had a disagreement with his girlfriend, during which she got dressed and tried to leave the premise.

On Tuesday, we both in the fall signed a contract with a real estate firm to help us find an apartment.
The fee was 300 dollars, but if we found one without their services, we would get out money back.
I got notice today we weren't getting our money back.
I likely will take them to court, but I asked him if he was going to pay his half should we not get anything in return.

He avoided the question, then said he shouldn;t.
I did pressure or put him on the spot to sign, and he did sign his name to the contract, but he likes to pressure and push others which gives him no position to complain.
He could have said no, but he didn't, so he should pay, it was his choice.

He continued to say no.
I told him if he doesn't pay, I will not give him money for the gas bill, which is under his account.
Since then, he has locked himself into his room with his girlfriend, not called me, not asked to go the gym, not talked to me.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Abusive Relationship? (Long) new
      #254123 - 03/23/06 10:14 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


I apolgoize for the length, but I had a lot to say.

I did not include how, in the gym he slapped me back in the fall several times.
Also, in the winter, we had a disagreement in the gym, he spoke his side, then when it came time for me to speak, his gf came, it was not 1-1 but 1 against 2, when I tried to speak, she got upset we were arguing, and he then pushed me in public claiming me running my mouth was to blame for everything even though I didn't get a chance to speak my side.



--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

For your own sake...please find another room-mate or live alone! new
      #254131 - 03/24/06 05:52 AM
bamagirl

Reged: 04/02/04
Posts: 1407
Loc: Alabama

This sounds strange, dangerous and unhealthy.

--------------------
God is Faithful!

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

I had a similar situation..sort of new
      #254139 - 03/24/06 06:18 AM
cailin

Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland

..when i was in college in 1st year I was put in a house with strangers and we all got along great. One of the girls was in all the same classes as me and I found it hard to spend so much time with her. She became very controlling and critical of my life and my habits etc (eg I am very untidy, she is very very very tidy). I helped her a lot with coursework and once I found that she had gone into my room when I wasn't there and taken my revision notes that I had taken ages and ages to prepare, I was furious.

The following year I lived with her for 6 months and then we went away on placement from college. I vistited her and had an OK weekend. When we shared the house I spend a lot of time away from the house and I chose to study in college because she studied at home. I realised that I was avoiding her.

In third year I chose not to live with her. My mental health improved enormously. I felt like I could be myself and not be criticised at everything I do.

We are not in touch anymore, even though we still have some mutual friends.

"Breaking up" with her happened naturally but we let it, it's never easy. I worked on other relationships while I was still living with her so that I was able for the natural break and had other people to hang out with.

Oddly, about four years after this, with various friends having "broken up" with her, some more publicly than others, one person told her straight out about how manipulative she is, how controlling etc. She ended up very upset but realising all the hurt that she had caused. Many of us felt that we did her a disservice by not telling her years ago about all these things.

See, this is long too, but my advice is to (a) not move in together again (b) Don't spend all your time in the house with him (c) Trying to pursue relationships with other friends on a one to one too. (d) don't agree to go on trips with him (e) talk to someone neutral (does your school have Counsellors?) about this and try to get your head fully around it.

I saw your other post too, so I see that you are trying to do some of the above, so do try to stick with it.

--------------------
S.

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: I had a similar situation..sort of new
      #254147 - 03/24/06 07:01 AM
michele

Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan

Sounds like a physco guy I dated once who I ended up taking a restraining order out on! Seriously, this is not a healthy relationship and I think you'd do much better without him in your life.

--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: I had a similar situation..sort of new
      #254217 - 03/24/06 12:18 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Thanks to all of you for your support.
I really do need to talk about this.
I am in therapy and have begun to talk about this there, but that is the only place and person I talk to.

I am too embarassed and afraid to tell my parents and other friends, besides one who doesn't even go to the school any longer.
Most of my friends are shared friends with him, and I am afriad of starting a war if I did share my tail.
The goal is to help me, not to make a drama scene.
But I tell you, sometimes I get so anger from this, I mean super anger, it would would help to talk about it and vent or have somebody to listen.


--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

You can always vent here. new
      #254226 - 03/24/06 12:51 PM
cailin

Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland

we'll listen It's great that you are talking about it in therapy, that will help you clear your head on it.

--------------------
S.

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: You can always vent here. new
      #254250 - 03/24/06 01:45 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Yes, I just wish it could be longer, because I have so much to say, and I worry that it is going to be a long time before I am better, or up to speed, or I might have a relapse, you see I worry a lot.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Abusive Relationship? (Long) new
      #254253 - 03/24/06 01:59 PM
Yoda (formerly Hans)

Reged: 01/22/03
Posts: 3682
Loc: Canada

You said it yourself. This BOY is a spoiled brat plain and simple. It has to be his way or no way. Move out ASAP. It sounds like he needs to keep someone on a leash to make himself feel better about himself - I think he has some real problems and insecurities. They're NOT your problem.
I had a roommate in university I lived with and hated. She was a single child - spoiled princess and expected us to clean up after her. GAG ME!!! I really hate it when people think they're better than others.
Move out. You deserve better than this. As for your friends, they'll still be your friends after all of this if they are TRUE friends. If they aren't, they weren't in the first place. Surely they must see what a jerk this guy is!???

--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

i had an abusive roommate too a few years back new
      #254256 - 03/24/06 02:02 PM
Lyndsey

Reged: 02/16/05
Posts: 581
Loc: Bay Area, CA

it was like everything was a competition, everything had to be a discussion....she knew everything about everything..i realized later she was VERY toxic...it was like i loved her but hated her. and sometimes i wanted to smash her head in the wall...and others she was my best friend, and understood everything so well.

she was always sarcastic with me, and after a while it started to get weary on me...then i started getting mean back...she'd left her husband and thats why we moved in together, then she was getting back with him, but started sleeping with her personal trainer (which i didn't care, but her son who was 3 at the time was in the hospital with cronic illnesses...on what we thought was his death bed...and she was sleeping with this dude i knew was a joke..who i later worked with, becuase i became a trainer as well..and he was a horrible guy to know)

anyway, he sounds like he's controlling...and that really sucks that he's like that, it makes living with somemone very difficult, i moved out of my living situation within about 2 months, becuase my old roommate was not only abusive and very jealous..if i'd talk to other people or go to someone else's house...but she was i think boarderline insane..no joke...

but if you can afford it, and not in a lease (i was in a lease at the apartments we lived at, but the managers didn't like her either, and let me out of it) i'd find another roommate, it's toxic, and i can totally understand wanting to be around your friend, even though it can be torture sometimes. i had to live with my mom for about 2 or 3 weeks, then got MY OWN place, and loved it! it was a studio, with a fireplace, and my daughter and i were very happy there!! it was a nice calm change!!

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Abusive Relationship? (Long) new
      #254319 - 03/24/06 08:23 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Hi.
THanks for your time, for listening, and responding to me.

I really am in pickle.
Thankfully I have a therapist who is very caring, but still, I have my momenets.
Sometime I feel totally sufficent and happy.

Then tonight, my friends are all out and busy.
I'm here in my apartment, alone.
My roomate is here, ignoring me.
Ever since I told him to pay his share on Tuesday, he has been ignoring me.

When I'm with other friends, I'm happy, I don't nee dhim.
But when I am alone, I feel very anxious, worried about being all alone, by myself, and in the past, this has made me vulnerable to controlling people who offer me a place to stay, but at a high price.

I do not want to be friends with this person.
I do not want to go back to being under his spell, because this has happened before to me, and I have so much anger from it all.

At the same time, I signed a lease.
I probably could get out, but it would be hard.
If it has to get done, it will.

I think what has to be known is, my family.
I am scared to share my social life with my family, for fear of embarassement.
They know I have had relationships like this in the past.
As of now they feel this kid is great, they have no clue about what goes on.

I am scared to say anything, because I know they will be hurt, mad, and it is shameful.
At the same time, they pay for my school, housing, and health.
They care about me, and can help.

All I can is my emotions are up and down, sometimes very anxious.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Abusive Relationship? (Long) new
      #254343 - 03/24/06 10:28 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Oh BOY.
This is getting bad.

So, I being a nice friend referred my roomate a month ago to work for a laundry service.
He needed a job, and I knew the kid who ran it.
I was considering working there once I knew my schedule, because it involved driving cars which I like and it is run by laid back college students.

My roomate comes back tonight from there, he is very immature, and was rubbing it in.
He has been ignoring me since Tuesday when I told to pay his portion of the real estate bill.

He was bragging to his girlfriend about how great the job is, how great the people are.
Then, he got a phone call from somebody we both are friends with, his old roomate.
This old roomate of his got on my roomate's bad side because he, like me, had enough and decided not to kiss his fanny.
I remember my roomate would smile and be friendly to him face to face, then behind his back rdicule him, say mean spirited, slanderous things, not return his phoen calls, bash his family.

Well, on the phone tonight, he was talking loudly, acting like a big phony being so friendly and charming, as if he was sticking it to me.
I became nearly hysterical, jealous, it was like taking meat and teasing an animal.

Then, onc ein his room, I had the TV loud to drown out the noise of him being obnoxious.
He yelled turn the f--- TV down you deaf blank.
He yelled again, I said what?
Then he started bashing me, calling me a loser, saying I have no friends.
I got angry, called him a wife beater, told him to remember I helped him get a job.
He then said he would do what it took to make sure this place, where I want to work, never does hires me.
I became quite angry.

I want to resist the urge to get down on my knees and beg for him to take me back, I also want to avoid being immature.

I am angry, I have a lot built up, and sometimes I have an urge to release it, but I know, the best thing to do when somebody antagonizes is to ignore, take the high road, and be the bigger man.

It is worth me saying, he knows I have IBS, that I can not handle dairy, and he once threatned to put dairy on my food.
I am now afraid he has or will make me sick.
My stomach the past two days has been terrible, though it could be from having Ragu Tomatoe Sauce.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

listen... new
      #254351 - 03/25/06 05:45 AM
mickeymouse

Reged: 02/02/03
Posts: 431
Loc: Canada

you have got to get out of this place, lease or no lease...do it for your health. All the stress this guy is putting you through is bad for your health, and for your IBS. Stress would always make me sick! This guy is mentally abusive and he is not going to change, it will not get better. You must be able to talk to the landlord, your family, and get out of the lease in such a circumstance. Don't feel ashamed, your family will not want you to feel miserable because of this guy. It is not your fault and you cannot change him.

Once you leave, you WILL feel happier and better, and you CAN make better friends. You CAN do it, for yourself!

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Abusive Relationship? (Long) new
      #254372 - 03/25/06 08:25 AM
Gracie

Reged: 11/25/05
Posts: 1967


This is not meant to sound judgemental or critical...

Usually people with low self esteem stay in abusive relationships. You need to get out of there really fast and work on liking yourself and feeling like you deserve better in your life.


Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Abusive Relationship? (Long) new
      #254392 - 03/25/06 10:40 AM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


I know I deserve better.
My anxiety is through the roof right now.

The wuestion I have is, what to do with friends and job.
Most of my friends are shared.
He really does not hang out with any of his friends, just his girlfriend he abuses.
Also, the ONE place I want to work at, he works at.
I referred him to work there.

I know the old saying, find something new.
Well, I want to do something for myself.
I want a job doing what I am good at, driving, and with college kids.
I know the kids who run this delievery compnay and I have wanted a job there, but catering to this person, I have been too busy.
Since I am not with him any longer, I have ample time, I need a job, and want to be there where I can meet other kids, but not on the same days as him.
However I am confused on if I should apply or not.
I want to space myself from him, but at the same time, I should not be intimidated or have him force me not to work.

Besides, if he tried to get them not to hire me, well he went to a strip club with me, and told me never to tell his girlfriend.
I don't know if he would risk it.

All I know is, I am here in the apartment alone, feeling anxious.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Geography new
      #254395 - 03/25/06 12:32 PM
Nelly

Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC

I think you should put on your best clothes and go to the Student Union and chill there untill someone friendly talks to you. You need to get busy making a new subset of friends. This is nothing that new, better friends can't cure.

It'll get better once you put some geography between you and your poisoned pal. Don't feel bad about him baiting you into a fight again. It's happened to all of us. Get a paper and find a new place. Best,

~nelly~

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: Geography new
      #254425 - 03/25/06 05:39 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Oh the pain, I miss him so much.
I want to do the right thing, but it's so hard.
I can't get him out of my head.
My anxiety is through the ceiling.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

You're going to be ok. new
      #254446 - 03/25/06 07:27 PM
Nelly

Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC

You did nothing to deserve all this anxiety! Circumstances are conspiring to make you unwell. Your roommate is a jerk and does not deserve a good guy like you as his friend. He has plenty of other people to manipulate. He's going to be fine. You're more important than him! You have much more to offer the world, and you deserve friends who see you for the great person you are.

It gets better with time. We're all here for you; lean on us as much as you want. We'll never hit you or abuse you. You deserve to be happy!! I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you. Just remember to breeeathe. Try to get some rest tonight because things will be [thismuch] better in the morning.

~nelly~

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: You're going to be ok. new
      #254451 - 03/25/06 07:43 PM
lalala

Reged: 02/14/05
Posts: 2634


Nelly's right! You're going to make it through this difficult time and be better than okay. You'll be much happier! Of course, ending a friendship, like ending any kind of close relationship, is a loss. It's okay to grieve and feel bad, but you need to realize that you're doing what's best for your health and well-being.



Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: You're going to be ok. new
      #254494 - 03/25/06 10:09 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Thank you.
I went over to my friends place tonight.
I had a good time.
I really need to tell my friends what's going on so they can help, I feel so much anxiety, I need in person help too.
I am worried though since we have shared friends, but I need somebody to help get me out of bed and give some place where I am not by myself.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: You're going to be ok. new
      #254497 - 03/25/06 10:46 PM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


I know I can do it, fight, fight, I can do it, I can do it.
It's just so hard.
I find myself lying down, thinking about it, dreaming that maybe if I talk with him that he will be nice as he can be.
Then when I do, the honest, smart part of me fades, I know better.
Oh I am so vulnerbale it feels, but yet I know I can do it, I have to.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: You're going to be ok. new
      #254541 - 03/26/06 09:31 AM
Naturapanic

Reged: 02/16/06
Posts: 856


Oh man, I am so vulnerable right now.
Two things are threatening to bring me back to him.
The first is the gym, I need a spotter for the gym.
Me and him used to go to the gym.
I almost feel like transitiing smoothly from him by still going to the gym.

When I go to the gym alone, I do not have enough strength or confidence, at least on chest and tricep day, to do a good workout.
I need a spotter there who will force me and help lift the bar.
If I don't, I end up doing lighter weight, and the workout is nowhere close to as good.

Now there are two other people I might be able to workout with, however, they both go alone.
They don't go at a time I can count on them being able to spot 100% of the time.
I also think that perhaps this too, self confidence, being afraid to ask for spotters, is part of my problem, and staying friends with this person for that reason only compounds it.

Further, this kid might try to make me jealous.
If he starts being extra friendly to other people for spite, it would really hurt me.

Today, we did talk civilly.
Maybe it's best just to do that.

--------------------
IBS-C and Bloating

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Re: You're going to be ok. new
      #254614 - 03/26/06 05:58 PM
K2

Reged: 01/29/06
Posts: 1191
Loc: Canada

Hang in there!

It's great that you're opening up, and maybe this is finally the turning point for your situation. You seem to know you need to get away from this guy, and everyone here agrees with you.

Gym time would be a great way for you to have time to yourself without him around. I understand you need a spot, but have you tried asking the people who work there? One of my friends comes to the gym with me and I'm not strong enough to spot for him, so he just gets someone working there to help. They don't seem bothered by it at all, and usually stick around for a few different exercises and reps.

Let us know how things are going,
Kat

--------------------
Kat

Print     Remind Me     Notify Moderator    

Pages: 1 | 2 | 3 | (show all)

Extra information
0 registered and 51 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  Heather 

Print Thread

Permissions
      You cannot post until you login
      You cannot reply until you login
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 2340

Jump to

| Privacy statement Help for IBS Home

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2


HelpForIBS.com BBB Business Review