Ok wise ones, SERIOUS advice needed (for a friend) -LONG
#249682 - 03/02/06 10:33 AM
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One of my oldest friends is having major relationship trouble and it's been going on for a while now. I have heard about it hundreds of times (so has Tommy) and I am at a loss at what to say anymore.
Basically, she lives in a city far from home and is not happy there, she moved there for school, ended up meeting this guy and she stayed and they moved in together.
Fast forward a few years. They aren't married (were supposed to but she called the wedding off). They own a home together and she just had a baby boy 3 months ago.
The problem is that he is a cop, works all the time, is super neglectful and they can't ever communicate about any of their problems. He always makes her look like she's wrong.
With a 3 month old, he has told her that he is going away on a course for 1 week to some Texas Spring break place. He has been dieting and tanning and it looks like he's def planning on cheating on her. She has gained 20 extra lbs from baby weight and he hasn't gobe anywhere near her since the baby has been born.
This isn't their only issue, she had an affair on him too (which he doesn't know about). It wasn't at all about sex (he was practically impotent. It was all about her needing some emotional contact and attention since she's neglected so much. I don't judge her and please don't either. I am begging her (and her family and friends are too) to leave him.
She's now staying with her parents in her home town (13 hours away from him) and she doesn't know what to do. She is so scared of being a single mom and the possibility of never meeting another man scares her.
How can I tell her to leave him???? She's so scared (not for her safety but emotionally). I think while he's on his March break, she should go back get all her things and leave him a note. She's already met with a lawyer who has assured her she is legally able to leave with the baby as long as she lets him know where they are and then plan on custody, etc.
Any advice is MUCH NEEDED! I might even forward it to her!!!!
Thanks.
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As scared as she is (and I can only imagine---parenthood scares me and I've got the most devoted husband ever), she has to put her baby first. Does she want her son to grow up in an environment clearly lacking in love and support? Does she want his example of a serious relationship to be one that isn't working? Being a single mom WILL be hard, but if she has the support of her family and friends, she can do it. And better for her son to live with only one parent who is dedicated and loving, than to be with both where neither are happy and thus not supportive.
And she WILL meet a man---if she can get herself together, take care of her son, and take care of herself, she'll be able to get through this and some great guy will come along and find her. Unfortunately, single parenthood is not as uncommon as it used to be, and as a result, I think people are less afraid of dating people who have kids. ESPECIALLY when the situation is a healthy one. I think the sooner she gets out of this relationship, the better it will be for her and her son both. Why traumatize him?
I'm not sure if it's best for her to "surprise" leave him, but if she communicates it properly and makes herself completely available to communicate about custody, it should be ok. It sounds like he shouldn't be surprised if she leaves, they don't sound happy at all. I doubt he thinks things are great either, maybe he'll be relieved. (Crappy, but could be true). If she feels ready to leave, and has a place to go, she should go. The sooner she gets on a better path, the better.
Best of luck to her!
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I agree!! Except I think it is a good idea to leave while he isn't home. It'll be easier on her and the child! She needs to get out of this relationship and move on. It sounds like she will have lots of help from family and friends!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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My Two Cents
#249694 - 03/02/06 11:23 AM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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She's young, with her whole life ahead of her. Trust me, she'll find someone else, someone MUCH BETTER!
However, the issue now is not her or her BF. Now, it's ALL about the CHILD. She needs to do what's right for the baby. If that means packing up and moving in with mom permanently (for awhile), then that's what she should do. If it means staying with the BF, then so be it. But it's ALL about the CHILD.
There are many, MANY happy single moms out there, women who adore their children and live just for them. Perhaps your friend isn't like them, but it sounds, from what you have said, that she would be far happier than where she is now. Her actions have spoken volumes.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I have been where she is, but with no family and friends around. I was a single Mom for a few years, with no plans of meeting anyone. I have also been on the other side, watching friends go through this. Her baby comes first. How and who she lives wiht will affect everything - attitudes about women, men and relationships, how to make friends, how to behave socially, values, and even trust of his/her Mom - that the baby will become. She is better off alone and scared with support than together in a relationship that is at best neglectful and disrespectful, and possibly leaning toward abusive. So is her baby. And honestly, if she never meets "the man", she's still better off.
As for leaving while he is out of town, I would. Especially if he is withholding affection, unsupportive and neglectful, she may find that as a person used to being in control, he is very NOT fond of the idea of HER deciding to leave. If she is strong enough to tell him face to face, I would tell her to do it in a relatively public area, although privately, and with some backup support close by (ie: a quiet restaurant and have a family member or friend waiting in a car) after she picks up her things while he is gone.
whether he is neglectful, abusive, or jsut apathetic, the support will be there emotionally and physically, and she will need it. it is a very ahrd thing to leave, even when it is best for everyone.
One note: If she decides to stay, she'll need her friends support as much as a single Mom, and it's a lot harder to watch that struggle (as a friend) than the end of a relationship.
good luck to her and to you, both!
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Beth
IBS - D
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Yep. Time to leave the guy. That's abuse - emotional neglect is abuse, and it will only hurt her and the baby in the long run. Even infants can tell when Mommy is emotionally unhappy. They can tell by the tone of voice, etc.
One legality she should consult her lawyer about -if she leaves the house, does she give up her portion of it when it's sold? My neighbours split up and the guy lived there long after it was over so that he could get his share of the house. Something to consider. I'd hate for her to lose what she's put into the house.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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She needs to get out.. this is unhealthy and if she raises a child around it she will be raising them in an environment of neglect and abuse and they won't know what is healthy...
Please let her know she needs to think of both herself and the baby right now. And that she will eventually meet the right person.. staying with someone for the wrong reasons is a LOT worse then leaving them for the right ones even if being a single parent isn't easy.. it is doable.. I was a single mom to Cassi before Bill and I moved in together and we made it through just fine.
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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You are all so wise and brought up the #1 issue -- the child. Not having one myself, I didn't even think of that being the most important matter.
I will forward all of your responses to her directly. I think they are all very insightful and I THANK YOU ALL from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to respond to such a long post.
YOU GUYS ROCK!!!! 
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Sorry I'm late...but work has been horrendously busy. I agree with everyone...the child comes first. I grew up in a family where the father was abusive and mom thought it was best to stay with him so we would have a father. I used to pray they would get divorced.
It definitely has lasting affects on the children when one parent/adult has these types of problems.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Thanks Bethie. Where have you been? I emailed you a couple of times, not like you to not respond? Hopefully, you're A-ok!
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