feeling a bit bad
#243748 - 02/03/06 05:28 AM
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Hello ladies (and gentlemen of course)
Well, I dunno where to start. I feel hideous, and not because of myt IBS. That's strangely not an issue right now. I'm real sorry to choose here to post all this crud, I suppose it's where I feel least like I'll be mocked.
I'm having a terrible time, like I'm living in a big black cloud... and worse, I am a horrid person and I keep saying the wrong thing. I'm an awful bitch.
I was doing ok until this week. First I didn't even make the short list for an internal position I applied for.. and I was the only one that didn't. Then my dog died (he lived at my mum's house), and I broke down at work on tuesday when I got Mum's message about that.
I'm not sleeping properly, and I keep saying stupid, inappropriate things (not like, sexually inappropriate or disgusting or anything.. just inappropriate).. and I feel like I want to be mean to people.
Just tonight I got in a verbal fight at a friend's house (Liz) with her flatmate (Kat, who I can't stand anyway, just I've bitten my tongue around her til now).. so I left without telling my Liz.. then my other friend (Jon) who was there came after me and gave me the telling off I deserved. I'm so ashamed of myself, and so unhappy right now I don't know what to do.
I feel like I don't have proper friends to talk to, I don't want to go to work because I'm ineffective at my job and I don't want to go to bed anbd cry myself to sleep again.
I just want to feel good again... but I feel like I deserve to be miserable until I learn how to be a better person.
I'm so embarassed and right now I don't really feel like I want to go on. I know no-one can really do anything about that so I'm sorry to be even posting this.
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*Emma*
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Oh Emma, I'm so sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. You mustn't be too hard on yourself for being naughty because ANYBODY could be in your position right now. If you're feeling bad for what you've done, then obviously, you're not that big of a b*^ch.
There have been times when I've had a horrid time with my mouth: stepping in it and saying things I shouldn't. Then, I'll blow up and say the things that I usually just think, but never say.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, I'm just not in the mood to put up with somebody's crap. Plus, if I'm having an extraordinary amount of trouble in my life, it seems to make me more openly honest than I would usually be. Although, I have to admit, that the ones I usually give it to, deserve it! Ha ha.
This part of me seems to come out, when I'm at the end of my rope and had enough of something. Sometimes, we're just not in the mood for any bologna, know what I mean?
Maybe you're just in a difficult spot in your life right now and it's manifesting itself this way. Whatever the cause, don't lose hope! The fact that you're doing introspection is a good sign. Maybe you could fix some of the things you think you've messed up. If not, then you have to move on and be strong. Life isn't over and you're too young to throw in the towel.
I don't think you're a bad person at all. You've been very kind and helpful to a lot of people on this board, (including me), so maybe you're just in a bit of a depression right now.
Things have a way of working out and the fact that you're wanting to make things right, is a good sign.
Good luck to you,
Terri
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Emma, you are being WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too hard on yourself there kiddo. Most of us have been where you are right now. I know I have. This may sound a bit hokey, but sometimes you really have to think about the good things you have in your life right now. You may think you have none, but that is not true. In the meantime, feel free to vent here. You're a good person and don't think annything less of yourself.
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I think you are a fantastic person. You're a real beacon of light on these boards and I'm glad to call you my friend. You don't deserve this rollar coaster your body has you on right now! You're just along for the ride and it doesn't seem like a good one at the moment!
I think you need a friend and some understanding. You've had a recent work trauma and a big private one as well. Nobody should expect you to be all violets and roses right now. Big {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}!!!!!!
Please lean on us as hard as you want. I really feel for you and I'll be thinking of you, way over here in another time zone. 
~nelly~
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I have been acting the same way since my surgery! Saying inappropriate things, crying, telling hubby off (sooo not like me!) and I just feel rotten...like you said, the most horrible lady on the planet. 
If you ever want a friend to talk to in cyberspace, my e-mail is Ruchily@yahoo.com I would e-mail but you it's not in your profile... 
You're such a beautiful person! Please know that this will pass and you will be yourself again...in the meantime please always post here and know that you have a lot of friends here who love you *hugs*
With lots of love and hugs,
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I agree, Emma, you're being awful hard on yourself! I think we all, at least I know I do, go through bouts like this and it is ok! The fact that you realize that your being a bitch tells me that you really aren't! It sounds to me like you need a little vacation and some time to relax! That may not always be possible but I think you are just feeling overwhelmed at the moment. Hang in there, love and hugs!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dog and that you didn't get the position you applied for. No wonder you're feeling irritable! But that's perfectly natural when you're not feeling well and life's being difficult. It doesn't make you a bad person only human. Besides, if you were a bad person -- I don't think you'd be so aware and regretful of your actions -- you'd be more like, "Har-har! Bitches!"
Take care and don't be embarrassed. I've been there and it helps to talk about it.
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Hey Lollie,
The loss of a dog is enough to push anyone over the edge. When my sister's dog (he lived with our parents) died several years ago. We all cried our eyes out for a week. So, that along with everything else you have going on just has you in a funk right now. I have also had times when it seems like I just can't do anything right. It does pass.
Laura
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Sometimes acting like a bitch is good for you. It is our way of venting. I know I am the bitch where I live, but at least everyone knows when I tell them something I'm not being a fake. Fro so many years I was miss "goody two-shoes" and was treated like a door mat. Now I am Queen of the bitches andf they all love me here.
I'm babbling ..... seriously, I agree with the others. You are a nice person who just reached the limit. You just need to chill and you'll be fine. Pamper yourself, don't blame yourself.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Oh, Emma, don't get so down on yourself. Life sucks sometimes, and when it does, well, even the best of us kind of suck at being a decent person.  If you find a cure, let me know, I have been setting new records on the Bitch-o-Meter lately too.
I'm sorry to hear about your dog. It is very traumatic when a pet dies -- they're family, too, probably the only kind that unconditionally loves you. (that is generic "you", not specific "you")
Sorry, I have no sage advice, but I'm thinking of you -- hang in there, and be nice to yourself.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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