Need some advice about friends
#242986 - 01/31/06 07:24 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Its one of my friend's 35 b-day this weekend. There are three girls in this group of friends. They are all very busy and although I talk to 2 of them usually at least once a month or so, we usually only get together on b-days, or holidays or for the occasional party. The third one is kind of off in her own world. One of these girls is in her 3rd her residentency and will be a "real" doctor in the spring. One of them is an engineer and one of them is in business and makes a LOT of money. The one who is a doctor called me everyday for 3 days after I lost the twins. One of them called me once, a week later and the other never called me at all. None of them really understand what I've been going through and don't really seem to be too interested in knowing either.
With that said, the one who is a dr is planning a big get together this Saturday for her b-day. Ok, fun enough. However, we all live in the metro Detroit area and they want to go Downtown Saturday night, the night before the Super Bowl!! Can we saw mob scene of people????? Then they decided they wanted to rent a limo for the night and cram the maximum 14 people in it and it'll cost us all $100 a person, so thats $200 just for WIll and I to participate plus spending money. Now, the third one has decided that she and her friends don't want to drive and meet everyone at the doctors house like we originally decided to try and keep costs down. We are all scattered about 1.5 hours apart and it would take too long and cost too much money for the limo to go around and pick everyone up, so we decided to meet centrally, which happens to be the b-day girls house. So now the one girl and her friends are upset because I said Will and I can't afford to pay any more money for the limo to make a special trip to go and pick her and her friends up.
I don't see why we need a limo anyways! We have a mini van and several of the people have big SUV's. We can easily fit everyone in 2 or 3 cars and still go together. Then there is the fact they want to go into Downtown on the busiest weekend Detroit has ever seen. Now, they saw they want to spend the evening outside at this Winter Fest they are having. So, we get to bundle up to be outside, which I don't have outside clothes for. All I have is a car coat, no winter coat or boots, never needed them, I don't DO winter! So, we get all bundled up, cram into an over priced limo and sweat to death sitting in whats probably going to be hours of traffic to hang outside in the cold, its February in Michigan for crying out loud! With the RA and Fibro, I'm going to be hurting so much from the cold. Not to mention the probable panic attack from the mobs of people! Can you tell I really don't want to go???? So, what do I do??? Do I be the party pooper and say Will and I aren't going, which means they will either have to cancel the limo or all pay more money. Plus, they will all be mad and unlikely to invite us to do things in the future. Is there a graceful way to bow out? I've been totally stressed over this for several days now and they keep bickering on the details.
Its hard because I only have one other girlfriend. These girls may be what I call fair weather friends but I'm not sure I want to lose them as its so hard for me to make friends to begin with. I know this probably seems petty to a lot of you but I'm really stressing over this!!! What would you do?
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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First and foremost if they are true friends then they will understand why you can't and don't want to go. That is a lot of money to ask someone to spend for their birthday, plus the fact that you don't want be out in the cold with your fibro and arthritis. I would call the friend with the b-day and tell her why you can't go and set up a day to take her to lunch or dinner for her b-day. That way you are still acknowledging her special day but don't have to deal with the cost and pain. Again if she is a true friend she will understand, and if she isn't then that is her loss.
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I do think it is awfully presumptuous to think everyone in your circle of friends can shell out $200+ for a birthday party! Maybe for family or a landmark birthday (like turning 80 or something) but just to ride downtown into a football crowd?! I'm with you thinking that is an obnoxiously overpriced thing to do in February in Michigan!
Now, personal opinions aside, I don't understand why you can't just be up front with this friend - not about the money necessarily - but about the physical problems that you are dealing with. Michelle, rheumatoid authritis is not a "light" diagnosis! Not to mention the fibro and everything else you are dealing with! Certainly there could be some measure of understanding between you without costing the friendship! Can't you meet them somewhere downtown? Or later at the b-day girl's house? I'd be honest, not concentrate so much on the money (although I would die before I'd shell out that much on a birthday party) but just be honest about your health. That, to me, is far more important. You have to be true to yourself and take care of your recovering body right now.
Just my two cents. Sorry you are having to deal with this!
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God is Faithful!
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Hi Pretty Lady!
This sounds all too familiar. Before I was diagnosed with IBS, I had the WORST attack I've ever had over an impending weekend of two social events I did NOT want to attend. I couldn't understand why I was so cramped up all weekend; I just assumed I had some kind of strange stomach flu.
I DREADED going to these two parties, just DREADED it, but they were commitments I could not get out of because they involved my office and my boss. One was Saturday night, the other was the next day, a Sunday BBQ at the boss' home. DAMN!
I was totally unaware that my "stomach flu" was simple anxiety over the events themselves, nothing more. It turned out I survived the Saturday night event by experiencing unending cramps and "D" all night long and constantly excusing myself to run to the bathroom. The BBQ the next day was tough because it was a repeat of the evening before, and it was very draining on me.
Suddenly, when the BBQ was almost over, and my commitments almost fulfilled, I recall standing in the back yard, talking with an office friend, while holding my BBQ chicken and potato salad in my hands, the cramps just drained right down my body, through my legs, and into the ground. I WAS FREE! What a sensation!
I since make a little rule for myself. I never attend anything anymore that I do not want to attend, because I know the anticipation will build up and cause me another excruciating attack.
I do not see how you could possibly have a good time, given the conditions you've stated. I would very politely "bow out," and if your friends are TRULY friends, they will accept it. They may not understand it, but it's a fair-weather friend who would write you off just because of something so trivial. And who needs THAT? Do you really want so-called friends like them?
Your health comes first. Oh, and by the way, don't be too hard on them for not having done more when you went through such a hard time. You said it yourself, "none of them really understood what you went through," and I don't truly believe that they "didn't really seem to be too interested in knowing." I think people don't know what to say and how to support others in times of terrific grief.
On the other hand, I do recall when I had major surgery and my best friend never bothered to visit me, either in the hospital or at home recooperating afterwards. It was a major clue that I did not heed: she was NOT a friend, and I unfortunately didn't catch on until years later. Sometimes it pays to listen to those clues. I wish I had.
Michele, do not worry about losing what may or may not be a friend. You have a lot going for you. Be true to YOURSELF first. The other will follow.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I've tried talking to them about my health before and they just kind of blow me off. I just talked to the one who is a dr a couple of nights ago after I got the diagnoses and since she is a dr for crying out loud, I thought at least she would understand. I guess I'm just tired of being the "sick" friend, if you know what I mean? I don't know whats worse, being the sick friend or the poor friend?!!  
The other friend said I Will and I could crash at her boyfriends house to save on limo time. I told her with RA and fibro, I can hardley sleep in my own bed let alone on someones elses floor!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thanks Bervs! You're so right. I guess I just get tired of always being "sick" and never feeling well enough to do things. I thought I could suck it up for a night and celebrate my friends b-day but when all the plans starting coming out, I realized its just not going to be possible. I guess I'm going to tell them I'd be up to meeting someplace else or to meet up with them at her house for a little while before they all go out but I just can't put myself into the type of a situation. I kind of feel like a heel but you're right, my health needs to come first.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Good Idea Angela! I just left a message for the b-day girl to call me and I'm going to just explain it out right to her and ask her if I can treat her to lunch earlier in the day or something instead.
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I agree!
#243012 - 01/31/06 08:20 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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That's just not on for you. And they should have thought about that, so do NOT feel at all guilty about messing up any of their plans. 
Are they MAD?  They'll either freeze or spend the evening in a crammed car...not a lovely way to spend an evening whatever! Geeez, some people have no sense!
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I know this group empathizes in a way unlike most others because we all deal with chronic illness to some degree. However, a lady here at work developed rheumatoid last year, and our entire office just grieved with her/helped her/cheered her on. She is doing much better now with the right meds, but everyone is very concerned about her. I would hope your friends would be about you too.
BIG HUGS dear! I hope this works out for you!
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God is Faithful!
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Michele
#243028 - 01/31/06 08:42 AM
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It sounds as if you have already made up your mind...any chance that you are a people pleaser and don't like to offend folks even if it is at your expense (gee...might I be speaking from experience here?)?
Stay home...snuggle with Harley...oh yeah and Will! 
I think lunch with the birthday girl makes more sense...
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Re: Michele
#243030 - 01/31/06 08:45 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Yeah, we just don't get together very often and I hate to be the party pooper, especailly since its her 35 b-day. Oh well, right now I need to be more worried about my health and the stress this is putting on me. I mean, if they just want to go out and have a few drinks somewhere other then downtown, I'd be ok with that but this is way too much hoopla for me!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Michele, my friend is throwing herself a birthday party this Saturday. She's turning 27. She IS a good friend, no doubt. But she LOVES having parties, and going out. And I'm all for that, but as we get older (I'm 29.5), bars have no appeal anymore, and my husband feels the same. In fact, most of our friends, don't do the bar scene much anymore.
So she wants to have a pre-party at her apartment, and then go downtown to a bar. She's already arranged free cover. Great. But I still don't want to go! Besides just not liking the atmosphere, I'm pregnant, and nearly dying of all day sickness, and I just don't have the energy for that. Plus, on Friday, the day before, I'm going with her to a spa so we'll get to spend time together. I mean, the girl invited like 50 people! And probably most of them will just meet her downtown, so it's not like I'll be missed. She knows I stopped drinking to try and get pregnant, but she doesn't know I AM pregnant. I thought if she got really upset, I'd tell her. But then i realized---you know what?? I shouldn't HAVE To tell her. She should understand that I'm just not up for a bar the way she is. I'm NOT looking to get drunk and meet people. If she's really bothered, that's her problem not mine.
I finally told her when she sent an email out saying---surprise---that she was thinking of getting a limo for everyone!! I told her not to count me and my husband in. And there are many people in our group who can't afford that anyway.
So anyway, I think you should be able to say no thanks and not go. Like everyone else said...a true friend won't be bothered by that.
Ginger
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I don't understand why they don't get it either and it hurts my feelings. Its like they only want to talk to me, hang out with me when I'm feeling good and happy and they expect me to feel good and be happy all the time! 
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Just hang in there! Your friends in MI have some pretty high expectations for human living. They will face their own challenges one day, and perhaps then they will learn the value of a TRUE friend!
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God is Faithful!
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Michele,
About the party...please don't go. No friend is worth getting sick for! I don't want to see you hurting for days because you weren't dressed properly for a cold storm *brrrr* Even here in AZ (don't tell hubby I said this! I'm still trying to get him to move somewhere where it snows cause I adore the stuff!), as soon as the weather changes my fibro kicks in (I must say it hates the heat something awful not just the cold...sorry to get side tracked)...
The point is it's not for you. Your health comes first.
I like Angela's idea...take her out another day! Send her a beautiful card for the day of...maybe even go to her house earlier in the day and drop it off personally. Maybe take her out for a pedicure that afternoon! You are a special lady and anyone that gets to enjoy your company must be pretty special as well...so she's gotta be special enough to understand and love you as you are!
As for losing friends. I know it all too well. No one in my community has called to see how I'm doing following the surgery. And you know what? This is why I want to move. But we can't right now.
I just want you to know I can relate. There are a lot of people here who know how sick I am. All they do is make suggestions about what I should do instead of giving me a shoulder to cry on. They just don't get it.
It's not their fault. But it's certainly not mine! And I'm NOT less of a person because I'm sick...and neither are you! I love you Michele...all of here do...we see how special you are. We might not live next door, but we're here and we get it and we love you for you! And so does Will and Harley *hugs*
The one with party...print out a copy of the Spoon Theory and give it to her. Share it with her...read it to her yourself out loud. I bet she gets it. She sounds like a keeper to you...so she must be. Just my thoughts!
With love, your friend,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Michele
#243042 - 01/31/06 09:00 AM
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I think spending that much on a limo is stupid! I'd meet them at the restauarnt or club that thewy end up with, or at the b-day girl's house.
I also have fair weather friends and they don't seem worth all this trouble!!!
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I know what you mean, I'm 35 and WIll is almost 38 and we just don't go out to the bars or party much at all anymore either! If you are already spending a spa day with her the day before than I think your ok not to go! Having friends shouldn't have to be so complicated!!!!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thanks Ruchie, you're such a dear! I'm sorry no one has come to see how you are doing after your surgery. I am afriad of how being out in the cold for so long will make me feel. They just don't understand. I've known them for 5 years and its just been the last couple of years that I've had problems and they still remember how I was before and I don't think the understand how serious things are. Aw well, at least I have all of you guys! Hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Re: Michele
#243049 - 01/31/06 09:12 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Yeah, the prices of every are inflated right now because we are hosting the super bowl. So why they even came up with this idea is beyond me!!!! I don't even like football! Nor do I want to spend 4 hours outside, in the cold, with a mob of people, not my idea of fun!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Hi Michelle,
I agree with what most others have been saying. Esp. b/c of the recent RA diagnosis - she should understand this would not be a good plan for you. Explain to her nicely, offer an alternative lunch or something and see what she says. You shouldn't feel bad about it either - you need to take care of yourself and try to get better - both from RA stuff and from all the pain to heal after loosing the twins.
By the way - I meant to tell you that depending what meds they put you on for RA, I may have some experience. Imuran, Remicade and Humira are all currently used for both RA and Crohn's but were originally developed for RA. I've heard humira is a really good drug too. You'll be in my prayers with that diagnosis.
Hope you have a good day, Michelle!
Min
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she should understand that it is too much for you right now. Explain it to her like you did to us. It isn't worth your health, you've been through too much already. Just my $.02
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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You've gotten so much good advice! I just wanted to add that life's too short to keep people in your life who cause you distress. I find it much more satisfying and fun to have a few really great friends (or even only one), then people who don't understand the true meaning of friendship. Quality over quantity for me!
I think the most graceful way out of this is to just be honest. You're dealing with a lot right now and if they think you're a party pooper that's their problem. You're a great person, Michele, and I think you're probably a really great friend too.
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Your right! I just don't know how honest I should be? I don't want to ruin her b-day with my problems but I want them to understand. I guess I'll wait for her to call me and see how she reacts. If she is upset, than I'll go into more details. I know I shouldn't be worried about what everyone else thinks but I guess thats my nature. Thanks!!
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I thought for sure she would have said something about going out all night and being in the cold when I told her about the RA diagnosis last week but it didn't seem to register to her at all.
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Re: Thanks Min
#243073 - 01/31/06 09:44 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Right now he has me on a combination of Ambien and high doses of Zanaflex (muscle relaxer) at night and Placquenil. He said it may take 3-6 months for the placquenil to really start working. I am sleeping better though which makes everything a little easier to deal with! Its just frustrating, I want to get down and the floor and play with Harley but its so hard to get up and down. He loves to play fetch and I can hardly grasp his ball to through it. I'm hoping these things will get better once the placquenil starts working.
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Oh Michele -
My husband and I have had to deal with this type of situation. The health reasons, the money.....it is hard.
My husband's two best friends have been doing very well financially for the past 6 years and we have not been at all! We are very happy for them and for their successes, but we simply cannot afford the type of entertainment, vacations and presents that they can.
A few years ago, they had this "brilliant" idea for the 6 of us (3 couples) to go stay at a cabin together. We split the cost of the cabin and the food. I'll spare all of the awful side details, but let's just say that it was a disaster for us financially and we went into debt over it. My husband was too ashamed and embarassed to admit that we simply could not afford it. So we had to pay off credit cards for a while because of it.
Additionally, my husband and I had our chronic health issues flare up (probably due to the stress of it all) and caused problems for us the entire time and the other couples were not understanding at all. Their irritation was very apparent and it was tense. I spent most of the vacation in the bathroom with IBS-D.
I stay at home with our children. It is a huge sacrifice for us financially, but we have decided that it is the best for our family. We don't go out to eat, we have only one car, we don't go see movies, we don't buy the latest fashions......we are trying to focus on our family instead as best we can.
All of our friends have both spouses working, make lots of money, go out to eat all the time, have fancy new cars, wear designer clothes.....which is great! I am glad that they are enjoying themselves. BUT, they just don't understand where my husband and I are coming from and it has definately strained our relationships. I have a feeling that they might not last over the next few years. We simply cannot keep up with their chosen lifestyles.
Quite frankly, if we lose these friendships because we cannot have dairy laden cuisine that makes my IBS flare with them every week in our new palatial home and drink fancy wine while cruising the bay on our yacht....then I suppose they really don't care about US, they care about their "connections". It is sad, but I feel it happening.
If our friends really love us, they will be willing to work together for mutually fun and affordable activities. If they really love us, they will want to understand our IBS and help us feel better and thrive.
Just my two cents!
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and got voice mail so I just left a message to call me. I also replied to an email sent out to all of us with the plans outlined. I was very nice and very apologetic and just said I'm not up to it. I explained I'm still dealing with the loss of my babies and the new daignosis of fibro and RA and I just can't physically be in that big of a crowd of peopel, outside in the cold for hours on end. I think I did a good job explaining things without going into too many depressing details and asked if they decide to do something else to please let me know. I also told the b-day girl that I wanted to do lunch or dinner with her to make it up to her. I'll let you know what kind of response I get! Thanks everyone! It helps to know that I'm not just being an old fart and a party pooper!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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That sounds like a really nice email! I think your offer to have lunch with the b-day girl was very thoughtful. 
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Its so frustrating when friends just don't understand. I think you are a great person for putting your family first, in my opinion, thats how it should be! You or your hubby should never be ashamed but I know its hard not to be. Its helpful to know that I'm not the only one who struggles with things like this. I wish none of us did but at least we have each other who understand!
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Gotta take care of yourself and try not to worry what others think! You can say no!!!! 
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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God is Faithful!
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One was super nice and very understanding as her sister just got diagnosed with RA also!!!! Not happy that her sister has Ra but at least she understands. The other girls was polite and said maybe we could get together another time. Still haven't heard from the birthday girl or one of the other closer friends but they are probably busy at work. Thanks everyone for giving me the courage!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Absolutely! Bow out gracefully and offer the B-day girl a lunch at a later date. If they're REALLY your friends, they'll understand. You've been through so much in the last while - and this whole party thing sounds absurd! Freezing in the middle of Detroit crammed together? Well that sounds like a ball, doesn't it? Besides $200 plus food plus a gift? I don't think so!!!!!!!!
Do what's best for you, and then thank them for understanding and respecting your decision (whether they do or not is their problem.)
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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It's just not right how stressful it is and how quickly they drop off the radar when you're sick. Why is it so hard for people to stick around when times are tough, when you really need friends the most?
Michele, you got some great advice, and I'm glad you were honest to your friend. I just wish the situation didn't even have to come up in the first place.  It's just not fair.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Hey Michelle, if this weekend thing is going to be so hard for you, and believe me, I totally understand. I have had many weekends that I spend totally ill, and by the time I returned home, I felt better. It is the stress and strain that is coming from what I call immature people. You are right, they really do not understand what you have been through. IT is not that hard to listen to someone though and lend support and love in a time of need. Personally, I think this may be a huge sign to you, if someone really tried to understand your circumstances, they would not be bothering you with the details, and expecting you to go to an outside party in the dead of winter. I think you would be better off to hang it up, and stay home and watch a movie. You've had a hard time, if it were me, I know I would not be strong enough to handle all of this hub bub that is going on.
Listen to me, I am so bossy, telling you what you should do with your fair weather friends!! Sorry honey. Just thinking of your mental and physical health! Take care!!!
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Tell them you can't go. Just be honest with them. If they're really your friends, they'll understand and let it go without a second thought. If they become upset with you and don't want to speak with you anymore, then you're better off. This is, after all, your health that is involved with this. And that's more important!
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Check out my gallery! http://niomie.deviantart.com/
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She said she understood and seemed ok, although maybe a bit upset that her b-day party isn't turning out the way she wanted it to. Apparently, before she even know I was backing out, one of the other girls got mad because she and her friends didn't want to drive to the b-day girls house so they cancelled first. I explained that I really wanted to do something with her if she decided she wanted to do something other then go Downtown but she said thats what she really wants to do. So, I offered to go over and take her out to lunch in the afternoon before they go out and she said she would call me back. The other girl just sent me an email that said "k."
I'm not sure how upset with me they are but, you know, I'm not sure I care too much right now! The more I think about it and the more I read everyones responses, I shouldn't be made to feel quilty because I'm too sick to go out all night partying! They weren't here for me when I needed them so I'm just not going to worry about it. If the b-day girl calls, I'll take her to lunch and give her the b-day presents I got for her and if not, well, ok to!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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RITE-ON!
#243430 - 02/01/06 01:16 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Quote:
I shouldn't be made to feel quilty because I'm too sick to go out all night partying! They weren't here for me when I needed them, so . . . If the b-day girl calls, I'll take her to lunch and give her the b-day presents I got for her and if not, well, ok too!
ABSOLUTELY! Sometimes we just have to sit back away from our situation and get outsiders' viewpoints to see it objectively, and once we realize that our friends aren't really looking out for OUR best, knowing our situation, then we see them for what they are. Who needs that kind of "friend"?
RITE-ON!
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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God is Faithful!
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Re: Thanks!
#243453 - 02/01/06 02:07 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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You're right, I think I just needed someone elses perspective to realize if thats how they are going to be, I don't need there friendship!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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As always.
*hugs* Michelle!
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