Need some advice about friends
#242986 - 01/31/06 07:24 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Its one of my friend's 35 b-day this weekend. There are three girls in this group of friends. They are all very busy and although I talk to 2 of them usually at least once a month or so, we usually only get together on b-days, or holidays or for the occasional party. The third one is kind of off in her own world. One of these girls is in her 3rd her residentency and will be a "real" doctor in the spring. One of them is an engineer and one of them is in business and makes a LOT of money. The one who is a doctor called me everyday for 3 days after I lost the twins. One of them called me once, a week later and the other never called me at all. None of them really understand what I've been going through and don't really seem to be too interested in knowing either.
With that said, the one who is a dr is planning a big get together this Saturday for her b-day. Ok, fun enough. However, we all live in the metro Detroit area and they want to go Downtown Saturday night, the night before the Super Bowl!! Can we saw mob scene of people????? Then they decided they wanted to rent a limo for the night and cram the maximum 14 people in it and it'll cost us all $100 a person, so thats $200 just for WIll and I to participate plus spending money. Now, the third one has decided that she and her friends don't want to drive and meet everyone at the doctors house like we originally decided to try and keep costs down. We are all scattered about 1.5 hours apart and it would take too long and cost too much money for the limo to go around and pick everyone up, so we decided to meet centrally, which happens to be the b-day girls house. So now the one girl and her friends are upset because I said Will and I can't afford to pay any more money for the limo to make a special trip to go and pick her and her friends up.
I don't see why we need a limo anyways! We have a mini van and several of the people have big SUV's. We can easily fit everyone in 2 or 3 cars and still go together. Then there is the fact they want to go into Downtown on the busiest weekend Detroit has ever seen. Now, they saw they want to spend the evening outside at this Winter Fest they are having. So, we get to bundle up to be outside, which I don't have outside clothes for. All I have is a car coat, no winter coat or boots, never needed them, I don't DO winter! So, we get all bundled up, cram into an over priced limo and sweat to death sitting in whats probably going to be hours of traffic to hang outside in the cold, its February in Michigan for crying out loud! With the RA and Fibro, I'm going to be hurting so much from the cold. Not to mention the probable panic attack from the mobs of people! Can you tell I really don't want to go???? So, what do I do??? Do I be the party pooper and say Will and I aren't going, which means they will either have to cancel the limo or all pay more money. Plus, they will all be mad and unlikely to invite us to do things in the future. Is there a graceful way to bow out? I've been totally stressed over this for several days now and they keep bickering on the details.
Its hard because I only have one other girlfriend. These girls may be what I call fair weather friends but I'm not sure I want to lose them as its so hard for me to make friends to begin with. I know this probably seems petty to a lot of you but I'm really stressing over this!!! What would you do?
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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First and foremost if they are true friends then they will understand why you can't and don't want to go. That is a lot of money to ask someone to spend for their birthday, plus the fact that you don't want be out in the cold with your fibro and arthritis. I would call the friend with the b-day and tell her why you can't go and set up a day to take her to lunch or dinner for her b-day. That way you are still acknowledging her special day but don't have to deal with the cost and pain. Again if she is a true friend she will understand, and if she isn't then that is her loss.
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I do think it is awfully presumptuous to think everyone in your circle of friends can shell out $200+ for a birthday party! Maybe for family or a landmark birthday (like turning 80 or something) but just to ride downtown into a football crowd?! I'm with you thinking that is an obnoxiously overpriced thing to do in February in Michigan!
Now, personal opinions aside, I don't understand why you can't just be up front with this friend - not about the money necessarily - but about the physical problems that you are dealing with. Michelle, rheumatoid authritis is not a "light" diagnosis! Not to mention the fibro and everything else you are dealing with! Certainly there could be some measure of understanding between you without costing the friendship! Can't you meet them somewhere downtown? Or later at the b-day girl's house? I'd be honest, not concentrate so much on the money (although I would die before I'd shell out that much on a birthday party) but just be honest about your health. That, to me, is far more important. You have to be true to yourself and take care of your recovering body right now.
Just my two cents. Sorry you are having to deal with this!
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God is Faithful!
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Hi Pretty Lady!
This sounds all too familiar. Before I was diagnosed with IBS, I had the WORST attack I've ever had over an impending weekend of two social events I did NOT want to attend. I couldn't understand why I was so cramped up all weekend; I just assumed I had some kind of strange stomach flu.
I DREADED going to these two parties, just DREADED it, but they were commitments I could not get out of because they involved my office and my boss. One was Saturday night, the other was the next day, a Sunday BBQ at the boss' home. DAMN!
I was totally unaware that my "stomach flu" was simple anxiety over the events themselves, nothing more. It turned out I survived the Saturday night event by experiencing unending cramps and "D" all night long and constantly excusing myself to run to the bathroom. The BBQ the next day was tough because it was a repeat of the evening before, and it was very draining on me.
Suddenly, when the BBQ was almost over, and my commitments almost fulfilled, I recall standing in the back yard, talking with an office friend, while holding my BBQ chicken and potato salad in my hands, the cramps just drained right down my body, through my legs, and into the ground. I WAS FREE! What a sensation!
I since make a little rule for myself. I never attend anything anymore that I do not want to attend, because I know the anticipation will build up and cause me another excruciating attack.
I do not see how you could possibly have a good time, given the conditions you've stated. I would very politely "bow out," and if your friends are TRULY friends, they will accept it. They may not understand it, but it's a fair-weather friend who would write you off just because of something so trivial. And who needs THAT? Do you really want so-called friends like them?
Your health comes first. Oh, and by the way, don't be too hard on them for not having done more when you went through such a hard time. You said it yourself, "none of them really understood what you went through," and I don't truly believe that they "didn't really seem to be too interested in knowing." I think people don't know what to say and how to support others in times of terrific grief.
On the other hand, I do recall when I had major surgery and my best friend never bothered to visit me, either in the hospital or at home recooperating afterwards. It was a major clue that I did not heed: she was NOT a friend, and I unfortunately didn't catch on until years later. Sometimes it pays to listen to those clues. I wish I had.
Michele, do not worry about losing what may or may not be a friend. You have a lot going for you. Be true to YOURSELF first. The other will follow.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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I've tried talking to them about my health before and they just kind of blow me off. I just talked to the one who is a dr a couple of nights ago after I got the diagnoses and since she is a dr for crying out loud, I thought at least she would understand. I guess I'm just tired of being the "sick" friend, if you know what I mean? I don't know whats worse, being the sick friend or the poor friend?!!  
The other friend said I Will and I could crash at her boyfriends house to save on limo time. I told her with RA and fibro, I can hardley sleep in my own bed let alone on someones elses floor!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Thanks Bervs! You're so right. I guess I just get tired of always being "sick" and never feeling well enough to do things. I thought I could suck it up for a night and celebrate my friends b-day but when all the plans starting coming out, I realized its just not going to be possible. I guess I'm going to tell them I'd be up to meeting someplace else or to meet up with them at her house for a little while before they all go out but I just can't put myself into the type of a situation. I kind of feel like a heel but you're right, my health needs to come first.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Good Idea Angela! I just left a message for the b-day girl to call me and I'm going to just explain it out right to her and ask her if I can treat her to lunch earlier in the day or something instead.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I agree!
#243012 - 01/31/06 08:20 AM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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That's just not on for you. And they should have thought about that, so do NOT feel at all guilty about messing up any of their plans. 
Are they MAD?  They'll either freeze or spend the evening in a crammed car...not a lovely way to spend an evening whatever! Geeez, some people have no sense!
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I know this group empathizes in a way unlike most others because we all deal with chronic illness to some degree. However, a lady here at work developed rheumatoid last year, and our entire office just grieved with her/helped her/cheered her on. She is doing much better now with the right meds, but everyone is very concerned about her. I would hope your friends would be about you too.
BIG HUGS dear! I hope this works out for you!
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God is Faithful!
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Michele
#243028 - 01/31/06 08:42 AM
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It sounds as if you have already made up your mind...any chance that you are a people pleaser and don't like to offend folks even if it is at your expense (gee...might I be speaking from experience here?)?
Stay home...snuggle with Harley...oh yeah and Will! 
I think lunch with the birthday girl makes more sense...
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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