Feeling alone, scared, and down
#237609 - 01/11/06 10:41 AM
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Hi all,
Sorry to write like this...but I feel so bleh!
I'm grieving over these new diagnoses. Over the fact that my bipolar med makes it difficult for me to access my words. Over the fact that I can't eat fruit or many other things that are HEALTHY. (I'm probably undernourished...and most vitamins and supplements are bad for IC!)
I'm upset that I don't have friends here to come hang out with me the day of and after the surgery. I will be all alone. No relatives...nothing.
I'm upset that I called the doc's office to get some questions answered and they made fun of me "You know we charge $25 for each question"  Can you believe the NERVE of them?? Good thing the doc is so good...
I am just crying writing this! I know I'm on a low from the bipolar right now too which isn't helping.
And I can't have Jack or chocolate to pick me up or sugar either!
I'm truly scared of the surgery. I can get an infection and be hurting for weeks thereafter! This terrifies me! (Then again there is a 50% chance of partial remission for 6 months to a year and a half...but of course my anxiety keeps getting in the way cause there are several ladies on the IC Boards who had complications and got infected!   )
I'm sorry to cry and whine...it's just too hard to bear alone. I'm tired of getting a new diagnosis every few months. Tired of fighting. I want to just relax and chill out and have fun. Hubby and i wanted to go camping last Sat. night but who can g camping when it hurts your bladder and pelvis to lie down! A sleeping bag would be worse than a bed  
Thanks for letting me post and letting me get it all out. I need support and I know you are all here for me. I will probably go post sometime today at BYDLS too cause I know there are people there with 19 diagnoses like me! I couldn't even fit them all in the signature for my profile here...it kept telling me it was too long!
I'm starting to feel a bit better just writing here and sharing this with someone! I can't be alone with all of this...it's not healthy! Thank you IBS fam 
*hugs*
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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My heart goes out to you, when is your sugerey? I can't imagine what you're going thru. It's good that you decided to vent this. It always helps me just to write it down, or tell someone. i will be praying for you, that you will have peace & protection.
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Kiwi
IBS-C
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Oh my dear! I too wish I could be with you in person and give you a gentle hug. Oy. After reading your post, I need a Jack!
Sweetie, you are not alone. You have a hubby who loves you dearly and you have a million huge fans here. No doubt you have a loving family and friends as well; you're just not thinking about them right now. Reach out to them, honey, and give them a chance to support you. That's what friends are for, that's what they will want to do for you.
Please don't be afraid of the surgery. I've been cut up several times, and frankly, I loved being pampered like they do in the hospital. I was surprised at how much attention I got. It was nice. And those drugs they give you in the hospital -- WOWWWW!
It's true; I too was hurting for weeks after I got home from the hospital, but I also got to stay in bed, take drugs, and baby myself. How often does THAT happen?!
Please don't think beyond right now. Right now is all you have to deal with. The future will happen as God wants it to.
And yes, I actually CAN "believe the nerve of them" (the doctor's offices). We all can. Oy, can we EVER -- especially those of us oldies who remember the beloved doctor who delivered us coming to our homes when we are sick in bed, carrying his little black bag, and whose only concern was getting us healthy. Those days are LONG gone!
Just know that we care for you, Sweetie, and pray for you. When is the surgery scheduled? Try not to think of anything but just TODAY. Okay?
{{{{Hugs}}}}}}
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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{{big hugs}} Listen to Bevrs... she is wise and I could not have said it better myself......
Take care of YOU... don't worry about anything else right now...... enjoy your "down time".
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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I don't know what to really say other than you are in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to vent as much as you want here. We're all friends and we are here to support one another. hang in there kid.
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$25.00
#237632 - 01/11/06 12:12 PM
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You know Ruchie, I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt for saying rude and insensitive things. Some people just can't help themselves.
I am sure they get a million questions a day but the bottom line is that without patients, these folks have no job so each patient deserves to be treated with respect.
The next time you see the doctor, I would share your experience with him and TELL HIM that you don't expect that kind of treatment from his staff.
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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Re: Hugs
#237636 - 01/11/06 12:18 PM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I'm so sorry sweetie, this is a very difficult time for you and I wish I could help more. I wished we lived closer, we could console each other! 
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Just stay on the boards and talk/vent all you want! We are praying for you and hoping that the answers will come and you will soon be feeling much better!
There is no excuse for rude physician's help in the office! NONE!!! Don't take it from anybody!!
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God is Faithful!
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Hi friend!
This sounds like a familiar email I recently sent to you...about how scared and alone and depressed I felt. You had some wise words for me. It's hard to say them to yourselves though...that's why you have us!
We all love you and feel badly that life has been so nasty to you lately.
Maybe I should move to Arizona and we can be buds together!
I can sympathize with the doctor's office making you feel bad about having questions....they make me feel like a pain and stupid when I have so many questions. They mock my lists of questions. Stupid doctors. I hope they were kidding about the 25 dollars...but even if they were, that is a horrible thing to say to someone who is upset and needs comfort and empathy.
Keep in touch with us....and know that I love you and pray for you so much, Ruchie. Again, I wish I could take some of this away from you.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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awww you poor thing! there's not much I can say that can change what you've got on your plate right now.. but STAY STRONG. look how far you've come so far, you can get through this.
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oh, sweetie. **hugs** i really don't know what to say - everything you've talked about would probably get me down, too. i wish i had something better - what i want to do is be able to give you a big hug, and just sit with you - listen, watch a movie, just be there for you however i could. i guess this will have to do. lots of love.
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jaime
ibs-a (mostly d) // vegetarian
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That is NOT funny. $25 a question! GGGRRRRR.....
I'll go smack them for you personally, sis.
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Ruchie,
I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time. I don't really know what to say to make you feel better. If I was there I would tuck you in and read you a book and maybe even sing you a little song (you might regret that one).
I'm sending you many, many hugs, OK! Don't know what else I can do except be here for you and listen.
Barbie
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Ruchie, it is all going to be OKAY! (The process is full of unknowns, pain, fears) You cannot get malnourished that quickly. Honestly, GET SOME SLEEP! Spoil yourself silly with distractions. Let those near you help, take care of you. You don't need to be perfect--you already are perfectly you. I know how high your expectations are for yourself. Let hubby help out. Let it all out before it eats you alive.
AND JACK is way over-rated!!! So is Chocolate!!!
Kate.
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You are in my thoughts, sweetie. Just take it one day at a time, the best YOU can. And indulging in food is overrated. You can still have flowers, candles, snuggles with Shana and hubby, books, movies, phone calls....the list goes on.
Here's a quick pick me up, go to this website: Cute overload . It has the cutest animal pics in the world (well, except for maybe Michelle's puppy Harvey  ).
Always here for you!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Right now you're feeling hopeless, but just remember that you will feel better again. This will pass.
We're not close by, but we're all here to ride it out with you!
{{{{Hugs!}}}}
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Ruchie, you may be scared, but you are not alone. We are all here for you!
I'm sorry that you are so overwhelmed. I know the feeling all too well. The more I think about all I have to deal with the more down I get....and it just becomes this cycle.
You know you have plenty of friends here. Although we're not there physically for you, we are always here to give you support. And we're free---and open 24 hours a day! You can't get better service than that, can you?
You are such a beautiful person, and we all are blessed to have you in our lives. You are a bright face on this board. It breaks my heart to know you are having to deal with some many things at one time. I know for us BP's it can be a challenge!
Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers always! Email me if you need to talk somemore, ok? We will help you get through this difficult time. Just take it one day at a time.
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*Hugs!*
#237818 - 01/11/06 09:42 PM
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Wow, you're going through so much right now Ruchie - you're certainly entitled to feel a little down now and then! And WOW. I can't believe the people at your doctor's office treated you that way! That's terrible! I would definitely let your doctor know how you were treated next time you see her/him.
But just remember that you're not alone - you've got so many people on these boards who love and care about you dearly!
{{{{HUGS]}}}
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Thank Laurel...I am def considering letting them know at the doc's office!!
And thanks for the hugs...I sure need em! I am def at a rough spot....love is import right now
*hugs* for you and I hope all is GREAT in your life
Love,
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I just felt so lonely BL. Not alone...but lonely (make sense?)
YES! I needed to stop thinking about it. Hard to do sometimes. Well...I got busy today and I baked 10 cups Challah (egg bread) and made other things for Shabbos (every week I cook up a storm!) and I plan to freeze some so hubby and I will have food for the week of the surgery.
 
You made me blush BL, you know that Thanks for saying all of those nice things...remember it goes right back to you *hugs*
How's the house buying...thinking of you
With love,
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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This too shall pass!
And it did :-) i woke up this a.m. and cooked up a storm and began to feel better...I didn't think about my situation and it HELPED!
And the down/low/depression passed too...and it always does at some point (though sometimes it takes months...so thank G-d for meds!)
Thanks Christine (hugs) Your words are to be remembered :-)
How are you these days? Saw your Hawaii pics they are lovely...any new vaca spots to hit in the near future? Hope tummy si good *hugs*
Love,Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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So I didn't buy myself anything yesterday....except ice cream which I shouldn't have had I think the bits of chocolate in it made me high
So next time it's candles and flowers for me (which I'd read this before I went to the store! )
How's that cold?. All gone? I hope so...
Love you!
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Well, I've got Finding Nemo from the library. And I'm cooking up a storm...so def GOOD distractions 
And yes...food IS overrated!
I am taking naps these days...I'm SO tired between the pain and lack of sleep and antihistamines the doc gave me *phew* It's a sleep-fest going on here. LOL Sometimes I wish we had a couch to curl up on. I don't like taking naps in a bed (sorry...just rambling really)...
How do you know I'm trying to be perfect and do it all? I guess I feel like there's no choice. I feel like hubby works hard and I want to spoil him. Perhaps he would like to take care of me? I think i'll ask him Thanks!
How is the non-smoking woman?? When will it be 6 weeks to the day?
Thanks Katie...you're the best *hugs*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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This is what I want! LOL I want someone to tuck me in and read me a bedtime story!! I just want to be dotted (sp) on. My hubby loves me dearly but he doesn't know about this sort of thing! I think I will have to teach him!
Thanks for the idea...I will def get him to pamper me somehow. And you are TOO SWEET...you are a super mom/grandma! Do you read to your precious little ones? Sing to them? (I think you mentioned you do in a post a while back?)
I am SOOOO Blessed to have these boards! I read all of these posts before bed last night and it made SUCH a difference! You all gave me the strength to keep on today...
I love you Barbie *hugs*
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Well, I'm not into violence! But if you want to verbally chew them out...go fer it!
It makes me so sad that they are so uncompassionate! I am hurting here!!! NOT good nurses! I think they should find other jobs if they are so insensative.
How are things Tina? I hope you're still glowing (and that you ALWAYS do glow!!)
*hugs*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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more hugs! Oh Ruchie, I'm sorry. I've been having my own troubles coping and you have a lot more on your plate (so to speak) than I do. Well just know that we're all here for you. dan (I'm posting less now that I'm back to work - but I won't be simply lurking anymore!)
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Ladies & gentlemen take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.
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Thanks for the sweet words Ashley *hugs* It DOES help to look at how far I've come sometimes. Lets just make sure I don't get a big head thinking I'm Super Woman though ok 
Seriously...it's tough. Esp. with the bipolar meds taking aaway my word access and stuff....and the surgery is scary. It's a lot! But I keep reading all the loving things written here and it is slowly replacing all the negative things I've been told all my life. I'm VERY thankful for that!!
Thanks for your love and support....let me know how I can help you with that Chapstick addiction ok
Love you!
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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You know...I've never had friends (accept for a couple in college) that would do so much for me as you all would....sit with me and hang out and watch a movie and just be there for me.
WOW!
I'm one fortunate gal!
*hugs* Jaime Let me know if you ever need anything too ok? If I ever go to Monsey again for a visit we should meet!!
You're a wonderful, special, Gutta Nehsma (good Soul) and I love you! *hugs* Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Move to AZ!!! Just keep in mind we aren't planning to stay for more than a year or so...
How are you doing Bethie?? I hope we can both find peace and happiness!!
*hugs* to my dear friend!
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thanks Bama! *hugs* What would you do at the doc's office? How would you react??
I WILL keep posting here. If I don't I'll go insance y'know!! I need people!
People. People who need people
How are you and your fam doing? I think of you often!
Thanks again for your kind words!
Love, Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt as well. I'm sure they DO get tons of questions. And they probably are tired and what not. But it DID hurt...and there's no need to go hurting sensative people in pain (which is most of us with IC!!)
Obviosuly....people who say hurtful things to others are hurting themselves. This is why I'm So reluctant to mention it to the doc....I have a hard time standing up for myself as well (don't think I'm worth it or something...)
A lot to think about for sure!
How;s the knitting going? I LOVE your pic...you're simply beautiful Rachel
With love, Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I too would love it if we lived closer!! Our dogs could play in addition to us being friends...ahhh...that'd rock!
I'm glad you're in my life Michele...and that we're friends I feel like I have a LOT to learn from you and I DO learn a lot from you! Your def someone I look up to and you help me get through my tough times...thanks!
Love ya!
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thank you Tommy! I am SO glad you and Tina found each other as you are twon of THE kindest people in the world!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thank you Shell! You're right! I spent tons of time cooking and reading and I got Finding Nemo from the library (hubby drove so I was safe!) and I am so grateful to be looking after myself
How are you doing? How's the gym coming along? Haven't been on the fitness boards for a say or two..and I missed your grand post. Will have to check it soon...
With love! Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Right now.
Yes!
All there is is RIGHT NOW.
You're brilliant Bevvy...and don't say you aren't please...because to ME you ARE. *hugs*
If I just take it one day at a time...I will not only help myself...but I will help the surgeon do a btter jon if I'm relaxed.
Take care of me. That's my job. Some people work and some people have kids...my job is to take care of me and hubby and to be loved and to give love on these boards.
I'm one of the most fortunate people in the world if I really stay in the RIGHT NOW of things....
Who knows? Tom. there could be a med for bipolar/anxiety that won't cause any memory probs for me and I'll even be able to have kids. For now...I'm just gonna watch Dory in Finding Nemo and be thankful my memory isn't that bad (though I do feel I can relate to her on some level or there wouldn't be as much appeal there)...ok I'm rambling!
Thanks Bev...everyone needs a Number One Fan. I'm glad you're mine!
I love you!!!
P.S. How's WW coming? From the recips and pics....it looks like it's going GRRRRREAT!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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You're so sweet Kiwii! *hugs* Thanks for the prayers and thoughts...I need em'! There are mild (but painful) possibilities of a complication with this surgery and I'm hoping I'll be obsolved of the pain AND complications. But of course it is up to G-d (in my belief) and whatever is best will be.
Thanks again...hope you are well and happy *hugs*
Love, Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thanks Dan
How is being back at work? Keep posting here as much as you like...it's great by us!
Yes, this place is my IBS Family. What a Bracha!
Feel good...and keep us posted.
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Hugs are free!
#238066 - 01/12/06 04:04 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Don't feel alone! We're on the same diet, and for the most part in the same boat... If you want to coast for a while, I can paddle!!
~nelly~
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YES! Exactly! I couldn't articulate it yesterday but I just wanted someone to cook for me...to PADDLE while I coast!
What do you eat Nel? What does your weekly menu look like?
Thanks for being my friend Nel. I think we should take turns paddling and coasting. Whaddya say?
I love you! *mwah*
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ruchie, you are perfect, i.e. perfectly imperfect or human.
Yup, I'm still not smoking. I might get an Anti-depressant as
I am so depressed without that "hit" or "buzz." Yes, some Prozac is in order. Actually, I did a little research and they highly recommend an anti-depressant for new non-smokers to aid in the brain chemical part of the quitting process.
Everyday is more high octane. I feel increasingly outstanding. My veins are pumped. Seriously, I don't get those blue hands anymore.
Is there no one you can associate with, spend time with near you? You are so alone!
What's stopping you from getting a couch?
Kate.
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Free ride!
#238085 - 01/12/06 05:13 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I'm totally up to paddling today! Today I ateleftover bread sticks (the kind you bake in the oven, my mother gave me her leftovers), Fried chicken with the skin off, with some flat sprite, a big glass of articifial flavored HiC fruit punch (not supposed to but had a craving) and decaf instant coffee.
Hm, that doesn't sound too appetizing when I write it down.
I'm in a better way today because my pain is being managed! I re-upped on my codiene, my whopping 3 vicodin, and my 240 imodium today and even got on a plan at the local pharmacy that gives 20% discounts to people with no insurance in the state of MD. I had no idea they offered this, I think it's something they started Jan 1st.
Actually, when I went back to pick up my prescriptions, I showed the different pharmacist the pamphlet the first pharmacist had given me that morning. She just looked at me and said, "No, dear, that's for people with NO insurance." I told her, "I haven't had insurance since 2004!!" Jeez, just because I'm white and speak in full sentences doesn't mean I have insurance...! These guys have known me since 2001 by NAME, you'd think they'd remember me coming in for, what is it, 19 STRAIGHT MONTHS with no insurance? (!!!)
So I can paddle for a while!! Just sit back with the sun umbrella in the back of the boat and relax for a bit, Ruchie! Here's a little pillow for your back. Headsets are in the compartment in front of you.
~nelly~
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I just want to hug you! If I was nearby, I'd come visit you in the hospital for sure!
I'm sorry you're feeling so weird....if it makes you feel any better I have a long list of freakish things too....I have asthma, allergies, GERD, IBS, migraines, dysmenhorrhea, a heart murmur, obesity (nooO!)extra bones in my mouth, bruxism, farsightedness,insomnia, perfectionism(which is now a diagnosis) and I'm sure I'm leaving out one or two. But it's hard to feel like you just can't get a break.I know. Sweetheart, you are wonderful to us. You are bright, funny, and loving, and a fantastic friend, IRL or not!
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Keep on keepin' on...
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but at least we can be here to talk to..
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Hey Ruchie! Were fine here in the south! Just trying to decide what season we're in...going from 72 degrees to 29 degrees about every week and a half. Odd for January!
Hold on to your people connection dear lady! You will be fine! Just research all you can and ask lots of questions!! Don't rush into any procedures and try to talk with the doctors as much as possible. I know this is a lot to deal with...just one day at a time. More hugs and prayers!!
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God is Faithful!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Aw, I'm sorry to hear this and sorry I'm so late to reply! But look at all your IBS friends who replied! WOW! I hope you were feeling better by this weekend.
*hugs*
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Wow! I'll have to call my Aunt in Bama and see hwo she's fairing! Sheesh...the weather is being finicky!
I'm glad you all are doing well *hugs*
I WILL hold onto to my friends...tightly! You're my FAM after all.....
Love you *hugs* *smiles*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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So I bought myself some ice cream. It's comfort food and I just need comfort right now. I am also bombarding myself with books and movies from the library...cartoons and Pollyanna (hope her optimism rubs off on me!). I sent hubby away for a 2 day bike trek so he can have some fun and be ready to be my caretaker after the surgery.
We made a massive WalMart trip tonight so that we are all stocked up and ready. I will have meals frozen and a meal plan made.
I'm keeping myself busy getting ready for the "big day" --Jan. 26th-- and for about 2 weeks thereafter (in case I DO get an infection G-d forbid! This is where prayers come in!!)
My fibro has started acting up. We actually thought I didn't have fibro things hadn't gotten so good!! But I DO have it. It came back when hubby and I went hiking a few weeks ago. I thought I was imagining things. But it's here and my bod doesn't seem to want to completely recover. I need time to heal....
I feel less alone as I post here and get so many responses *hugs* and as I communicate with hubby and ask questions on the IC Network Boards and such. I'm glad you all prompted me to ask for help (of hubby....still not really asking so much but getting better...keep on me folks!) and as I reach out for support from all of you and from our doggie Shana (she's letting me give her extra hugs and love....furry therapy hurray!), I think I'm gonna make it!
So that's about it. Not here as much as I would like atm because I'm on the IC Boards learning AND cooking sooo much in prep for the surgery etc. so I only make it here once or twice a day (in comparison with usually being here all day long!!! ) so sorry I'm not posting so much.
Ok, I know this was long. But I feel like you really ARE my fam and that you care and are concerned so I wanted to update.
I want you all to know...I told hubby about how you are all getting me through this! I truly wish I could thank each of you individually somehow. And tell you all how much you mean to me. Even my hubby sees that I couldn't get through all of this without you all! I love you!!!
Sending everyone hugs, love, good health, happiness, light, all your needs in life, and more LOVE!
Ruchie
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ruchie, you are always in my heart...and I hope that you come through this surgery with "flying colors" as they say.
I'm glad you can feel our love for you.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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