Tuesday seems a little harder
#231202 - 12/13/05 09:00 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I woke up this morning as forced myself out of bed and into the shower. I tried to forgo the xanax so I wouldn't be so drugged and tired at work. Once I got out of the shower, I made it to my dressing room and had a major meltdown. I cried and cried and cried. Will was in the basement and didn't know and I didn't want to upset him further. After I cried for a while, I tried to pull myslef together enough to dry my hair and find something to wear other than pj's. I realized it was just about exactly the same time one week ago I found out and saw my dead little babies inside of me. I took the xanax. luckily, my jeep knows the way to my office as I just kind of weeped all the way here. I've had a few meltdowns but I'm trying. I feel so very sad. I miss my babies so much and I want them back. The pain just seems so unberable right now. I have to go back to the dr's office tomorrow and just the thought of seeing all those pregnant women is more than I can take. Will has said he will go with me and I will ask the nurse to take me right back to a room so I don't have to sit and look at all the big belly's but I know its going to be hard. I would call and see if I can go in next week but I'm still bleeding a lot and having a lot of physical pain so I think I need them to take a look and be sure something isn't wrong. I sure hope my shrink can tell me something to help me get through the days to come. We have that trip to Tahoe scheduled for the 22nd and I know it'll probably be good to get away but it is with Wills family and I've had some problems with them over the last year or so. The couldn't understand the pain I was going through nor did they understand the fetility treatments and everything else. They are VERY religious and well, I'm not and we butt heads sometimes there. I know they mean well and love me but I feel that they expect me to put on a happy face and I'm just not sure I can do that. I know Will needs this trip and he also needs me to buck up a little and I will try but the added pressure isn't good right now. And, I have absolutely nothing to wear! My maternity stuff is too big and my pre maternity stuff is too small. I have two pairs od knit pants that I'm wearing to work but I don't have a signle other pair of pants that fit. Do you think people will stare if I wear my pj;s on the plane????  I hate to go out and spend money on some clothes as I just spent $400 on maternity stuff that I washed so its not returnable. My hubby offered me a pair of his jeans but he is a shorty and I need a 34 inseam. I hate the fact that I have to deal with such stupid stuff right now!
Anyways, I want you to all know that I have read every post to me and all my emails but I just don't have the heart to respond to everyone directly right now. You have all touched me so much and have given me the streagnth to go on. It had made a big difference knowing all of you care so much. Thank you
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Michele, please do not worry about anyone but YOU right now!!
Go out and buy yourself a lovely outfit or a few right now if it will make you feel better! And it's not a waste of money! I just bought myself flowers that, as hubby would say, will die so why buy? It makes us FEEL GOOD *hugs* And that is priceless!
You are wonderful and we all love you so much. We want you to take care of yourself...it's so important!
As for the Xanax...did the doc prescribe it as needed? I would stay on it for now...the drowsiness from the meds usually go away within a week or 2 and if it isn't inhibiting...use the extra boost.
We don't need you to respond to us right now Michele. We are sending you our love NOT for a response...but to give to you...the woman who is ALWAYS giving to us. Let us give back, ok  *super hugs*
Love you Michele!!!!
Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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*Gentle HUGS*
#231212 - 12/13/05 09:47 AM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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I agree with Ruchie! Take the Xanax if you need it right now, and it sounds like you do. I also think it's a good thing you go to the doctor tomorrow, and make sure everything is ok. Take care of yourself right now!
About Tahoe, just try to have a good time, if you have to, leave the room if your inlaws become too much of a pain in the butt. Go shut yourself in the bathroom, take some deep breaths, wash your face, and hopefully by then they forget what they were talking about when you left the room. That's what I do with my grandmother who doesn't believe that I'm sick and that there's anything wrong with me.
Here if you need us, sweetie, just remember you're a strong, wonderful, beautiful woman!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Compromise on Ruchie's idea....go buy yourself some really nice pj's!  There are pjs that are like posh lounge suits and are perfect for wearing on the plane. I've got one pair I got in the sales that are pure silk with a kimono type top and they are nicer than most of my normal day wear! And if you got pjs, it won't matter so much if you change size.
{{{hugs}}} This has got to be soooo hard. And I'm not surprised it's getting a bit harder - our bodies help us cope with alot by putting us into shock so we don't deal with it all at once. Unfortunately that means we have to keep dealing for longer. 
You're such a trooper. Will's family will know that this is hard for you, so just do your best, they can't expect anything else.
{{{hugs}}}
And don't worry about replying to my emails or posts if it's too much! I totally understand that. 
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e-mail again...but it won't get sent. Is there a different e-mail I can send this to? It was an e-card I had wanted to surprise you with!
Love you *hugs*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I have flown a lot over the last few years and I regularly wear pajama pants---the more comfortable, the better! And I always laugh at women in tight jeans and high heels. That's not comfortable, and who wants to drag luggage around like that??
And I imagine you've still got a lot of bad days ahead. But you've got a week's worth behind you. I'm sure that doesn't seem very comforting, but you've made it this far. And soon a lot of time will have passed and you'll still be there, and I think it will get easier then.
Maybe this trip will be good for both of you. I hope Will's family will be understand to you, and you can try to find some comfort with them.
Ginger
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Michelle's email in another thread somewhere. Email or IM me if you want it. I won't post it again just in case she doesn't want to.
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*HUG*
#231219 - 12/13/05 10:02 AM
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khyricat
Reged: 08/05/04
Posts: 3612
Loc: Michigan
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I just posted and told you to call me if you need it.. I think you BOTH need to go see a therapist for help coping.. this isn't an easy time for either of you and you need to do whats right for you FIRST even if it isn't what Will needs... you carried those babies inside of you- not him!
If putting up with his family isn't going to be helpful don't do it... you need time and rest to heal- both physically and mentally
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Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
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Re: *HUG*
#231226 - 12/13/05 10:27 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Thanks girls. I'm not sure whats up with my email but its michelebrake@sbcglobal.net. I have a $50 off of $150 purchase at Layne Bryant so hopefully I can find a couple of things to just get me buy for this transition period. I bought a velour sweat suit outfit, its actually maternity but I think there is a draw string in it so I can probably wear that for flying. I had to pay bills today as it got neglected last week and I felt guilty about concentrating on who and what to pay instead of my babies. I'm just all over the map. I know its partly hormones. I did up my dose of zoloft from 50 to 100mg so hopefully that will help. In the meantime, I obvisoulsy need the xanax. I hope the dr doesn't have an issue with giving me another script tomorrow. I know its not a permanent solution but I need more time and if the xanax helps then I see no reason not to take it right now. We have a full schedule of patients this afternoon so I'm hoping it'll keep me busy and I won't have a meltdown in front of an office full of people. Hopefully everyone will be nice as I'm sure my ability to cope is very low right now.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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and know that we are all thinking of you.
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Oh Michelle, we are praying for you!! God has not left you alone! He is with you in every tear and every heartache! Hang in there, dear lady!! We are all pulling for you!!
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God is Faithful!
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I'd say where the velour sweatsuit on the plane.. you definitly need to be comfortable. Thats the most important thing.
We love you! Stay strong babe!
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Some of you may remember that I posted a few months ago about wanting a shih tzu puppy. Well, I think now is the time. I have been thinking about it for some months now so its not a complete hormonal decision but I think it will help to give me something to love for and care for. Here is the link http://shihtzusbymorrow.com/Nursery%20News.htm scroll down a couple and look at Jasmine. I talked to the lady who has her, she is 10 weeks old and ready for a home. I explained that we had our trip planned the 22nd-29 and she siad she would keep her until then no problem as she is part of the family. The "breeder" owns 7 shih tzus herself and 3 cats so the dog has been well socialized. Jasmine is paper trained, has full run of the house and is very happy. She believes that Jasmine will be about 9lbs fully grown and said she will make a wonderful companion.
I talked to WIll and he is all about it. He has thought it was a good idea many months ago and even mentioned it a few days ago. I know it won't replace my babies, I'm not fooling myself but I think it will help to have something to love and hold. I relaize this is a long term commitment and thats fine. Even if we do have a baby, I will still want the dog. My boss has said before if I got a small dog, I can bring it with me to the office everyday. This will be good so I won't be alone so much. I'm still very much hurting and I know thats not going to go away but if a little dog will help ease my pain, then why not. I need to call the lady back tomorrow and we can go out this weekend, she lives about 45 minutes away and meet Jasmine. If we decide she is the right dog for us, we can leave a deposit and pick her up as soon as we get back from our trip.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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First off BIG HUGS!! I'm sorry that today is so hard. It's such a process, that unfortunatly takes a lot of time.
As for the dog...I think that is a WONDERFUL idea. I think it would be perfect for you right now. Dogs are amazing at lifting the spirits!!! I'm really excited about this for you. ITs a great idea!! I think you should get Jasmine!!!!
I hope your appt goes well tonight and that you will get some helpful info. As for tomorrow....it may bring some sort of closure. And very good idea about having the nurse take you right back.
Big hugs!!! Take it easy girl! 
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God is Faithful!
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Don't worry about responding to us right now. We are here for YOU. You just focus on YOU right now. I agree with everyone - get yourself one of those cozy velour lounger outfits and wear it on the plane and everywhere else. Be comfortable.
Think of Tahoe as an escape. If the inlaws bug you, go take a nap. You need your rest. I should hope that they would be very supportive of you right now. Let's hope they are.
We all love you, sweetheart. Lean on us as much as you need to. You will get through this. It's going to be painful, but you're an incredibly strong woman and you can do it.
Take it a day, hour, minute, second at a time. Whatever you need.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Hi Michelle,
I'm sorry you're in so much pain - both physically and in your heart - I'm sure the physical pain will heal faster than the heartache. We feel for you sweetheart. Just remember all of us think that you are an amazing woman and we know you will get through this - one day at a time and with all the support we can muster for you!
We'll be sending up prayers for your appointment tomorrow. I hope the doctors give you the meds you need.
Also, I think a dog would be a wonderful idea! You should do it!
Love ya' hun!
Mindy
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Hey!!
#231296 - 12/13/05 01:48 PM
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epa_ginger
Reged: 02/23/05
Posts: 1158
Loc: Chicago, IL
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I was going to suggest this in my last post to you, but I didn't want you to think I thought it would replace a child for you, because I know, in no way, is it the same. But it IS something to love and devote attention to, and maybe having that little life depend on you will make you stronger. I'm actually right now looking for a dog too. Hard to find the kind I like that doesn't break the bank!
Good idea Michele!
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That's such a good idea. Puppies are such amazing fun and company. And she will keep you VERY distracted from yourself.
Keep us posted....
PS. One tip (what I should've dine with Archie but didn't  ): if you don't want the dog to sleep on your bed, get her a crate, put her bedding in it and then if she cries at night lots, bring the crate into your room but keep her in there so you can talk to her and comfort her from bed without actually being right there, so she can gradually get used to not sleeping in a pile of pups. We did it the other way round, sleeping by Archie's crate downstairs and he just got used to sleeping right by us!
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Thanks Girls. I'm really excited and feeling a little less devasted. I keep looking at Jasmine picture and I can't wait to meet her. As I said, we had been talking about it and had just started to look when I got pregnant so decided to wait but I think its the right time now. I will go to borders and buy some books on puppy care to take with me on my trip and hopefully she can come home to me on the 30th!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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That's a really awesome idea, girl!
I have 4 "furry" kids and I love them as if they were my children.
I don't know if we'll ever have kids, but I sure do love my "furry" kids. They make me soooo happy!!! They make me feel soooooo loved....when I'm sick my little Julie doesn't leave my side. She is with me where ever I go. When I spend too much time on the computer, she nudges her nose underneath my arm and won't let me type anymore.
I'm sure you would love having a dog. They're loyal, they love you......unconditionally! That's the best part. Even when you've had a bad day and come home in a bad mood, they still love you. If you yell at them or punish them, they still love you....no matter what.
I couldn't ask for more than that. My animals are my best friends......my life. Well, besides my husband of course! He always comes first, but he works like 24/7.
You would LOVE the company. Go for it. You won't regret it.
*HUGS*
Michelle :0)
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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Puppies Are Cute But I'm Cuter
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I know for me, as my kids are getting older and less dependent on me, I really dote on my "grand dog"( I have custody of my daughter's dog while she is away in the Air Force) and spoil her rotten. It should be real interesting next week when my daughter gets home after being away for over a year. I really hope Kyleigh remembers who her momma is, I know my daughter has missed her something fierce! Anyway, I think it's a great idea Michelle, animals can be very therapeutic for the soul. Hope you are doing OK. Alyson
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Everything in life happens for a reason, patience will eventually tell us what that is......
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Hi Michele,
I think that is the most wonderful idea. We got our dog, Annie, from the Golden Retriever Rescue and she has brought so much joy to us.
Having a doggie to love and cuddle and to get those wet slobbery kisses is just what you need right now. I'm not saying that it will ever take the place of your babies but you'll see how it will lift your spirits
I say go for it!
Barbie
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~~~Lisa~~~
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...as her family! Great idea, Michele. If I ever get out of my apartment, getting a dog will be one of the first things I do! They are marvelous for unconditional love. Jasmine needs a good home...someone as special as you would make that one lucky dog!
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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Crates are great. The dogs feel really safe in them - like a portable den. They are also good if you go on holiday and take her with you.
I'd really recommend taking her to puppy training classes. Most people I know don't take small dogs, but the dogs LOVE it and they can never have too much socialisation.
Good luck - she looks gorgeous.
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