Well, its Monday, I'm at work
#230934 - 12/12/05 09:54 AM
|
|
|
|
michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
|
|
|
somehow, I got up, got dressed, combed my hair and drove to the office. Its all a bit of a blur but I am here. I had a pile of crap to sort out on my desk from the days I was gone but I think its mostly straighten out. Its very quiet today and I'm alone in the office. Its hard. I feel like I have to act normal, like everything is ok when someone calls to make an appt or stops in to pick something up and I just want to scream ITS NOT OK, I"M NOT OK, MY BABIES ARE DEAD. I go through moments of time just sitting and starring and being numb. Other times I cry unconsoluably.
I'm pretty heavily medicated. I'm taking Vicodin for the cramping and physical pain from the surgery and my shrinking, empty uterus. I'm on Xanax for the mental anquish and back to taking Amien to sleep. The little bit of sleep I'm getting is haunted and restless. I'm very jumpy and seem to be afraid of every noise. I seem to have an endless supply of tears. I hurt to my very soul and feel dazed, angry-angry doesn't seem to really cover it, down right pissed off is a bit closer to the truth.
I have an appt with my shrink tomorrow night and see the dr on Wednesday for my surgery follow up. I doubt he will be able to tell me anything as it takes several weeks for the chromosone testing to come back on my babies. I'm trying to get as much info on possible causes and make a list to be sure I've been tested for everything. It makes me hurt and angry when a couple of my "local" so called girlfriends tell me to keep trying. None of them have been there for me. None of them went through the testing with me. None of them checked to see how I was handling all the hormones I was on. None of them have a clue of what it has all involoved yet they think I'm giving up too easily. I don't want to give up, I want a baby but how can I continue to create life when I know my body will just let that life die. Is that right? If the dr's can't tell me anything other than I've had some really crappy luck, how do I try it again. Everyone kept telling me to just enjoy the pregnancy and not worry about every little number and every little pain. I did that and I think I did that really well. If my some miracle, I do get pregnant again, how am I going to be able to go everyday wondering if the baby is dead or alive inside of me?
But, on the other hand, I want a baby so badly. Am I being too weak in thinking I might not have the heart to go throught his yet again. I am a planner and not real good at waiting for things but I think I've been more than patient here. I don't know if these answers will be clearer in time, what if they aren't? I think I'm probably babbling now, I'm sorry. I'm sure I'm not making a whole lot of sense but I feel like this is really the only place where I can just let it out. Will is hurting too and can't handle my tears anymore and certainly isn't ready to talk about the future in anyway. I'm trying to stick to the one day at a time thing but there are just so many unanswered questions.
Linz, I'm going to check out that site today and look for info there. I've also found a recurrent pregnancy loss board that I'm going to check out.
Thanks everyone for your continued support. The phone calls and emails and messages have given me hope and the streagnth to keep going. When I sometimes feel that I just can't go on anymore, that I just can't possibility deal with one more thing, I think of Will and all of you and know that with your combined streagnth that somehow, I can go on. Thank you
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I'm so impressed with your strength. It sounds like you are really in touch with how you are feeling, and I think that will help you get through this. I hope the doctors have some answers for you. We'll all keep praying.
--------------------
Amanda
I live in the Big Apple, but I don't eat the skin
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
You're a star
#230947 - 12/12/05 10:08 AM
|
|
|
|
Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
|
|
|
Big, BIG hugs to you for making it to work. You're being a real trooper. I wish I could come over and hug you for real. 
UCTD is a difficult dx....it's not really specific is it?!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You know that we are here for you and you can vent and scream and yell all that you want. You deserve it and it is part of grieving. I can't wait to see you on Wednedsday and give you a HUGE hug!! I wish I could take your pain away because I have been there and it sucks. It is good that you can identify your feelings and be able to express them so well. As for your other "friends" if they haven't been there then it's hard for people to understand. And also let's face it some people are selfish and don't want to here about other people's pain and suffering. I don't know how those people call themselves friends.
Know that I am thinking of you and will continue to pray for you and Will. Call me tonight and let me know where to meet you on Wednesday. Talk to you soon hon!!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Michele
#230953 - 12/12/05 10:17 AM
|
|
|
|
|
StephS
Reged: 09/11/03
Posts: 2123
|
|
|
I came to the boards to check on you. I'm glad that you can get your feelings out there. I know you must be so worn out. Continue to take it easy and try to give your poor mind a rest. It's tired.....there is just so much to think about. I wish I could just turn your mind off for a few hrs and let you catch your breath.
I'm thinking of you everyday and still praying for you. Just hold on girl!! Hold on!
LOVE come your way!
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
You are so brave. Your grieving will have to have its course, and it seems you know that already. The day at a time plan is the only way to go right now. Deal with the information you get from doctors, ect...as it comes to you. Not before.
I'm glad you feel you can come here. Don't stop. We are all holding you up in our prayers. You are not alone! Many gentle hugs!!
--------------------
God is Faithful!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele.. I second what everyone else said. I'm so happy that you are in touch with your feelings and letting yourself feel all of the emotions. I know that they hurt a lot and that its hellish, but recognizing the pain helps you to get through it, rather than trying to ignore what you are going through.
Stay strong.. we love you.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Michele
#230960 - 12/12/05 10:34 AM
|
|
|
|
|
jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
|
|
|
Can't believe you're at work today! Hang in there -- maybe keeping busy will help.
Right now maybe you should try not to think about babies and just think about healing. I guess that is probably sort of impossible, huh? But, there is definitely not one person here who would call you weak!!! If you decide you don't want to keep trying, that is totally your own call. To be honest, I don't think I would have the strength to go through with it again. Not when the doctors don't have any answers.
This is a tough time of year anyway. Please try to just concentrate on healing, and then when the new year hits you can evaluate your options again. Just give yourself some time and breathing space. Just a few weeks.
--------------------
jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Hi Michele *hugs*
You are simply unbelievebale! I'm so proud of you for being so real and honest with yourself. From your emotions to others in your life...you are genuine and perceptive and just plain real!
You have such strength and such goodness *hugs*
I am honored and proud to know you to and to be your friend Michele!
P.S. I tried to e-mail you yesterday but I wasn't able to. It wouldn't send it? It was the one in your profile. Is there an e-mail addy I can use? You can send it to me at Ruchily@yahoo.com
Sending you lots of love *more hugs*
Ruch
--------------------
Formerly known as Ruchie
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
how you feel now, may not be how you feel a month from now, or 3 months from now.....right now all you need to do is work towards getting back to some kind of normal. Not the same normal it was before, but a new kind where you feel stable and healthy. Then you can sit down and figure out what you want to do, and what Will wants to do. I'm sorry your friends there are just saying "try again", because obviously you have proven that it's not that simple. I really hope your doctors will have some answers for you, because that will make it a lot easier to decide whether you want to try again.
I think you have been VERY patient, and for some unfair reason, it just hasn't happened. At least you should know it's not because of something you did wrong. From what I can tell, you have done everything right.
Ginger
--------------------
 
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Your strength is amazing.....I don't know how you made it to work, today, but you did and that's a HUGE SUCCESS for you, right now. I know your mind is racing and your wheels won't stop spinning but just give yourself time and hopefully the doctors will help you work out all of your questions. It's good to get all of this out, though.
We care about you and we're here for you. Keep posting your thoughts here....it will keep all of us informed for one.....but maybe your thoughts will start to become more clear and may start to come together with the more you type. Maybe not...hopefully, it will make you feel a bit better, though.
I will continue to pray for you and somehow God will pull you through all of this. He is with you, always!!
*Hugs*!!
Michelle 
--------------------
IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Its almost 5pm here, I'm supposed to stay until 6 but will probably leave a little early. I feel physically and mentally weak. I've managed to not have any total meltdowns while at the office. The hardest time seems to be at night. When I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, I think all kinds of horrible things. I do not consider myself sucidial right now so please don't be too alarmed but I actually found myself thinking of what I would write to everyone in a final note. I'm not sure if thats some kind of way for my mind to remind me of all the friends I have or just what but it really creeped me out. I listen to Will breath (ok, snore  ) next to me and I feel alone and angry that he isn't suffereing with me at that exact minute. I know that has got to sound awful, I do know WIll IS suffering very much but my mind is just not rational right now. I got up last night to get a glass of milk, like I used to do when I was pregnant and I woke Will up and he asked what I was doing and I told him my babies were thirsty. Its sometimes very hard to accept that they are gone. I had to walk over to the post office to mail some stuff for work today and the line was long. In front of me was a mom with her baby, I would think the baby was about 6-7 months old. She was a bit fussy and the mom kept yelling at her and being mean and I just wanted to punch that women and take her baby and tell her that she didn't deserve to have that child and I do! How am I supposed to answer people when they come into the office and just ask generally "how are you today" you know, just polite conversation kind of thing? I just smile weakly and say I'm getting through the day when I really want to scream at them my babies are dead and I'm at work, how would you be? I don't know if some of this anger and irrationability is from my hormones or grief, I imagine probably a funky combination of the two. I just hope that I can keep it reeled in and not totally do something bonkers. To bad I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore because all I would ask for is a baby. I remember as a little kid, getting up on christmas morning and seeing all the presents and my stocking overflowing with candy and other trinkets. I remember that pure, unabashed joy and happiness and wonder if I will ever know those feelings again.
--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Oh Michele..
I am confident that you will find happiness again. A great person like you who has gone through so many negative circumstances and roadblocks is bound to find happiness again when they least expect it.
Keep your chin up, and for now, your happiness can be your undying support from your friends, us and your lovely husband.
--------------------
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
i've been thinking about this for a while michele if you can't have a baby you could consider adoption? you see al those babies on tv that need a home a lady at my church just recently adopted a chinese baby she is very cute but you know they cost alot of money.  well i hope you feel beter 
--------------------
Puppies Are Cute But I'm Cuter
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michelle,
Hi sweetheart! I just wanted to chime in that you are NOT irrational - It is completely understandable that you would feel unimaginably sad right now. We all feel sad with you - but cannot immagine the extent of your pain. We just hope that we can serve as some form of support to you through all of it. Remember that also for your earlier question of whether you want to keep trying - whenever you decide, whatever that decision is - we hope that we can support you through it. For now, you have every right to grieve. As everyone else has said on this - it's good that you are in touch with your feelings. I'm glad to hear you have an appointment with the a therapist this week. Hope that goes well.
Remember all of us are praying for you and we all love you!
Mindy
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
I am so proud of you. I could never get up and go to work and face the world yet. You are one tough cookie. I can't imagine what you are going through and I think of you all the time. Try not to think too much or try to make sense of anything. I know that is hard. Just come here and vent all you want. We love you. 
--------------------
Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Good to see your smilely face, even though I know you don't feel that way. Your are still in my prayers everyday and will continue to pray.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michelle, I can't imagine having to go to work today after all you have been through. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just getting up, getting dressed and getting out of the house was such an accomplishment! Remember---one day at a time.
I'm sorry your friends there have not been supportive. They just don't understand. But you have all of us. We are here for you. You can vent all you want to with us. Just get it all out. You have a right to be angry.
And feeling hatred for mothers with little babies is normal. (I remember hating every pregnant woman I saw!) So many of them seem to take their little one for granted, which used to make me so angry! I just wanted to shake them and tell them how lucky they were!
Hoping that tomorrow will be tinsy bit better. ((((Big hug)))))
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Michele,
You're doing such a great job of articulating all that stuff inside. When my MIL was sick and dying, and right after she passed, I remember going through a lot of the emotions you're going through, particularly in regards to having to act "normal" when really I wanted to talk about it all the time--except when people asked, in which case I often didn't want to talk about it at all. Just keep letting it out, and have faith that time will help to make the pain more manageable.
You did a great job getting through the day. One day, one step at a time. Keep expressing yourself.
Big hugs,
--------------------
Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Oh sweetheart
#231131 - 12/12/05 11:04 PM
|
|
|
|
|
Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
|
|
|
{{{hugs}}}
I wanna come over and hold your hand. Don't worry about feeling unfair! You have to grieve in your own way.
Would it help to come talk to some lupie and RA mommies on butyoudontlooksick? It IS possible, sweetheart. I know you can't think about this atm, but there are options and things you can do. You will be happy someday. You've just got to give yourself time to heal.
Feel free to email me if you want...if you don't that's no problem.
{{{hugs}}}
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
Big hugs to you Michele!
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
|
|
If anything you are a LOT stronger then I am! I gave up a long time ago- adoption or nothing.. actually I had basically made that decision BEFORE I found out that genetically the chances are as low as they are- I culdn't go through this again much less deal with another dead child... And you've gone further then I ever did- I stopped at 3 miscarriages! so I give you a lot of credit.. I did think about you yesterday when we were headed in that direction.. if you need to talk call me (if you need my number email me: Amieritchie at comcast.net
Amie
--------------------
Dietetics Student (anticipating RD exam in Aug 2010)
IBS - A
Dairy Allergic
Fructose and MSG intollerant
Print
Remind Me
Notify Moderator
|
Posts
