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Your strength is amazing.....I don't know how you made it to work, today, but you did and that's a HUGE SUCCESS for you, right now. I know your mind is racing and your wheels won't stop spinning but just give yourself time and hopefully the doctors will help you work out all of your questions. It's good to get all of this out, though.
We care about you and we're here for you. Keep posting your thoughts here....it will keep all of us informed for one.....but maybe your thoughts will start to become more clear and may start to come together with the more you type. Maybe not...hopefully, it will make you feel a bit better, though.
I will continue to pray for you and somehow God will pull you through all of this. He is with you, always!!
*Hugs*!!
Michelle 
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IBS-D. Hiatal Hernia, GERD
Unstable
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Its almost 5pm here, I'm supposed to stay until 6 but will probably leave a little early. I feel physically and mentally weak. I've managed to not have any total meltdowns while at the office. The hardest time seems to be at night. When I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, I think all kinds of horrible things. I do not consider myself sucidial right now so please don't be too alarmed but I actually found myself thinking of what I would write to everyone in a final note. I'm not sure if thats some kind of way for my mind to remind me of all the friends I have or just what but it really creeped me out. I listen to Will breath (ok, snore  ) next to me and I feel alone and angry that he isn't suffereing with me at that exact minute. I know that has got to sound awful, I do know WIll IS suffering very much but my mind is just not rational right now. I got up last night to get a glass of milk, like I used to do when I was pregnant and I woke Will up and he asked what I was doing and I told him my babies were thirsty. Its sometimes very hard to accept that they are gone. I had to walk over to the post office to mail some stuff for work today and the line was long. In front of me was a mom with her baby, I would think the baby was about 6-7 months old. She was a bit fussy and the mom kept yelling at her and being mean and I just wanted to punch that women and take her baby and tell her that she didn't deserve to have that child and I do! How am I supposed to answer people when they come into the office and just ask generally "how are you today" you know, just polite conversation kind of thing? I just smile weakly and say I'm getting through the day when I really want to scream at them my babies are dead and I'm at work, how would you be? I don't know if some of this anger and irrationability is from my hormones or grief, I imagine probably a funky combination of the two. I just hope that I can keep it reeled in and not totally do something bonkers. To bad I don't believe in Santa Claus anymore because all I would ask for is a baby. I remember as a little kid, getting up on christmas morning and seeing all the presents and my stocking overflowing with candy and other trinkets. I remember that pure, unabashed joy and happiness and wonder if I will ever know those feelings again.
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Oh Michele..
I am confident that you will find happiness again. A great person like you who has gone through so many negative circumstances and roadblocks is bound to find happiness again when they least expect it.
Keep your chin up, and for now, your happiness can be your undying support from your friends, us and your lovely husband.
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i've been thinking about this for a while michele if you can't have a baby you could consider adoption? you see al those babies on tv that need a home a lady at my church just recently adopted a chinese baby she is very cute but you know they cost alot of money.  well i hope you feel beter 
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Puppies Are Cute But I'm Cuter
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Michelle,
Hi sweetheart! I just wanted to chime in that you are NOT irrational - It is completely understandable that you would feel unimaginably sad right now. We all feel sad with you - but cannot immagine the extent of your pain. We just hope that we can serve as some form of support to you through all of it. Remember that also for your earlier question of whether you want to keep trying - whenever you decide, whatever that decision is - we hope that we can support you through it. For now, you have every right to grieve. As everyone else has said on this - it's good that you are in touch with your feelings. I'm glad to hear you have an appointment with the a therapist this week. Hope that goes well.
Remember all of us are praying for you and we all love you!
Mindy
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I am so proud of you. I could never get up and go to work and face the world yet. You are one tough cookie. I can't imagine what you are going through and I think of you all the time. Try not to think too much or try to make sense of anything. I know that is hard. Just come here and vent all you want. We love you. 
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Good to see your smilely face, even though I know you don't feel that way. Your are still in my prayers everyday and will continue to pray.
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Michelle, I can't imagine having to go to work today after all you have been through. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just getting up, getting dressed and getting out of the house was such an accomplishment! Remember---one day at a time.
I'm sorry your friends there have not been supportive. They just don't understand. But you have all of us. We are here for you. You can vent all you want to with us. Just get it all out. You have a right to be angry.
And feeling hatred for mothers with little babies is normal. (I remember hating every pregnant woman I saw!) So many of them seem to take their little one for granted, which used to make me so angry! I just wanted to shake them and tell them how lucky they were!
Hoping that tomorrow will be tinsy bit better. ((((Big hug)))))
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Michele,
You're doing such a great job of articulating all that stuff inside. When my MIL was sick and dying, and right after she passed, I remember going through a lot of the emotions you're going through, particularly in regards to having to act "normal" when really I wanted to talk about it all the time--except when people asked, in which case I often didn't want to talk about it at all. Just keep letting it out, and have faith that time will help to make the pain more manageable.
You did a great job getting through the day. One day, one step at a time. Keep expressing yourself.
Big hugs,
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Oh sweetheart
#231131 - 12/12/05 11:04 PM
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Linz
Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England
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{{{hugs}}}
I wanna come over and hold your hand. Don't worry about feeling unfair! You have to grieve in your own way.
Would it help to come talk to some lupie and RA mommies on butyoudontlooksick? It IS possible, sweetheart. I know you can't think about this atm, but there are options and things you can do. You will be happy someday. You've just got to give yourself time to heal.
Feel free to email me if you want...if you don't that's no problem.
{{{hugs}}}
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