I need some advice...would you go to Christmas? Sorry -quite long!
#22079 - 09/30/03 11:49 AM
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Lana_Marie
Reged: 01/31/03
Posts: 1968
Loc: Saskatchewan. Canada
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I need some advice...I normally don't air my dirty laundry on the boards and am a pretty private person...but I respect everyone on the boards very much and therefore want your opinions....
My mother and I do not get along or much less speak. My childhood was filled with mental and verbal abuse to the point of my seeking councellor for much of my teenage years after my parents divorce. My dad stuck out the marriage because he knew if he asked for a divorce then (24 years ago) he would not have gotten custody and our lives would have been awful.
I have alot of respect and admiration for my father as he stuck out his crappy life to save his children.
Anyways - my mother and I have never had a relationship. She has been in and out of mental institutes threatening suicide - I would go rushing into see her for her to say "Your lucky it never happened or you would only have yourself to blame"
Anyways - this year is the first year I have took a stand and decided to NOT speak to her. She is pure evil and causes me emotional issues which bleeds into problems with my husband. Since I have not spoken with my mother, my husband and I have had a wonderful relationship.
Christmas is coming up soon enough and already I am fighting with myself. I honestly do not want to subject myself to the torment of plastering on a fake smile and sitting there with her for another fake Christmas.
However, she has ruined so many Christmas' for us when we were small that I know what it felt like to hurt on Christmas and don't want to bring that feeling onto anyone.
I try with every ounce of my being to be a good person and help people, but I just have gotten to the point where I don't want to help her anymore.
Do you all think I am wrong for feeling like this? I want to be a good person, but honestly don't feel like she is worth my efforts.
My sister is having a baby in November and my mom has never called her yet to see how she is feeling or doing. And my sister did call her and tell her she was pregnant.
I have not called her or anything to tell her I am pregnant. I just don't want to share this news with her.
NOTE: I don't want anyone to pity me. I am not an overly religious person, but I do believe that god put me in this situation to learn from. I will be everything my mother was not...and I will prove that I am better than her.
I just want to know if anyone else would go to Christmas.
Edited to add: This is the first time since I have been on the boards that I have actually "aired" my complete family issues. I have mentioned we have some, but never to this extent. I am very nervous and hope no one judges me for talking about this. I hope I haven't offended anyone. 
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
Edited by Lana_Marie (09/30/03 11:53 AM)
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Lana Marie,
Of course, none of us would judge you. We are here to listen and to offer whatever advice we can. As I was reading your post, I was thinking that maybe your pregnancy would change your relationship with your mother. Then when you said she has not contacted your sister during her pregnancy, that idea went out the window.
All I can say to you is that some people will never change and that no matter what you try to do to mend the relationship, if they are not willing to accept you (for whatever reason) as you are, there is nothing you can do to change that. If it hurts you to see her and it causes a rift between you and your husband then I personally would not see her. It's just not worth it, for your emotional state. Especially now that you are pregnant it is important that you not get yourself all worked up about this.
Now that we are sharing personal information, I will tell you that I speak from experience, but in my situation, it's my in-laws. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but my in-laws have never liked me. I have wrestled with this for years (23 to be exact) and after much tears and lots of counseling, have decided that if they do not like me, there's nothing I can do about it. I have given up trying to be the perfect daughter-in-law that they want me to be. I have come to the conclusion that nobody would have been good enough for their only son. If he had married Princess Di, she would not have been good enough for them! It hurts to think about it, but I finally have realized that if they don't like me for who I am then it's their problem and not mine. I gave them their only two grandchildren and they still weren't happy with me. Like I said, sometimes people cannot be made happy. Usually this is because there is something else in their life that causes them to just be unhappy people. Unfortunately, people, like us, who happen to care and would love to reestablish the relationship, are unable to do so no matter what we do. Sorry I'm rambling. I hope I'm making some sense.
Like I said, I don't think you should feel guilty for not wanting to see her. Seeing someone who has caused you so much pain in the past has got to be extremely difficult for you. Please don't feel guilty if you don't want to see her. Sometimes you just have to move on----and live your life surrounded by those that do care for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, father, sister, and in-laws. I would relish in that and enjoy your pregnancy without getting so upset. You are a sweet person and I know you are going to be a terrific mother. Smile, sweetie!
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Oh Lana honey! Why would we be offended?! Some people are lucky with their parents and some aren't - it doesn't reflect on you at all.
If I were you, I don't think I would go spend Christmas with your mother. You don't need that kind of stress at the moment, what with your pregnancy and your IBS. This is supposed to be a really happy time for you and your hubbie - why risk spoiling it?
Hope this helps in some way. Lots of big virtual hugs!
Linz
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BL: Thank you so much...I really appreciate you honest opinion.
I am sorry for your inlaw situation, but you sound like you have gotten it all worked out within yourself and that is an excellent spot to be at.
Thanks again,
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Thanks Linz- I appreciate your kind words. Thank you for understanding.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Aw, Lana!
Wish I could give you a big hug. Nobody here is going to judge you as we all have our own family and friend issues. Heaven knows my family is difficult enough.
Perhaps giving your mom some breathing room might help her realize what she is doing to herself and the people around her. Sometimes when people get enough room, they realize their actions and words are driving the people who care about them away.
Now that you're expecting, you have more than yourself to worry about. I also hate to say it, but do you want to bring your child over to your mom's house when it's born just to go through the same mental anguish? That's also something to think about. Don't feel guilty for not going to see her because it's not just you who would suffer.
If you want her to know about your pregnancy, but don't want to talk to her, perhaps send a note card? That way you don't have to hear a response if you don't want to.
Hope this helps a little bit. Email me if you want to talk - you know I'm always available to listen.
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- Jennifer
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Thanks Jen!
You are so right - that baby would see that type of abuse too and that's is not right at all...it will be alot easier to make decisions when they don't just affect me.
(My husband stands up for himself - so she doesn't affect him when we go there)
Thanks for being here Jennifer. I appreciate it!
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Lana Marie, Now that you are expecting, you owe it to yourself, your husband and your baby to rid yourself of toxic personalities in your life. Being around all that negative energy is no good for anyone. Let your childhood teach you how to be the mother you always wanted. Your baby will be very lucky indeed. Best to you. Stay happy and healthy. artist
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Hi Lana Marie,
The best advice I can give is to steer clear of Christmas with your mother, and any other interaction for that matter. I know its a tough decision to make, but what matters now is you and YOUR family. As an IBS sufferer you certainly don't need the stress, and with a baby on the way...you owe it to yourself to avoid such painful situations and minimise the stress on both yourself and your beautiful baby.
The way I see it is that our parents bring us into this world through their love. That does not mean they own us, and they certainly do not have the right to abuse us(mentally or otherwise).
This is a guys perspective, and probably a little selfish I know, but if a situation can't be fixed I find myself asking 'What does this do for me or those that I case about?' if the answer is nothing, then it's time to close the door and walk away. You may feel a little guilty in the short-run, but odds are you'll be feeling a lot better from not putting yourself through the torment and heartache.
Ultimately the decision is yours and I am sure you will decide on the right path for you. But no matter what you choose to do, always remember that we are all here for you.
Best regards,
Tim
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Tim
-A poor man's Jamie Oliver...without the attitude!
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How could anyone judge you? It is so hard to share personal pains of this nature. I just went through a weekend of IBS misery because MY mother was here to visit, so I empathize. She is not as "bad" as you are describing but issues are there none the less.
I do not think you have anything at all to feel guilty about, or second guess yourself. Send a card and a nice gift if it seems appropriate, but don't put yourself through any misery of a visit. Especially pregnant, stress is not a good thing.
Hugs - I can relate to it being hard to open up.
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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((Lana Marie)) my heart goes out to you, sweetie.
First of all, let me congratulate you on your pregnancy! Since I'm a newbie, I didn't know. I wish you a very safe and happy and healthy pregnancy.
Now...for your mother. I'm sorry you've had to endure so much pain. If it was me, I wouldn't go. You're entering a new stage of your life. You shouldn't have to feel hurt or sad (and it's not worth risking your health!). I know you feel you have a responsibilty to her, but you don't. I went through a similar situation with my grandmother. I always try to find the good in people, but she was an evil person. There's no way around that. She passed away several years ago, but the hurt still lingers. I know it's going to be hard, but I know you have the strength to do it.
((((Hugs))))
Kristine
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Duh...
#22148 - 09/30/03 07:08 PM
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Kristine
Reged: 05/15/03
Posts: 229
Loc: Pittsburgh, PA
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I've been away from the board for a few days, so I'm just catching up and saw your post from yesterday announcing your pregancy. I spoke too soon!! I am soooooo happy for you. What amazing news! Take *extra* special care of yourself, and be sure to keep us posted!
Kristine
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I'm with Michelle and second everything she said. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time - even more happy now that you are expecting (I'm SO happy for you!). Do what will make you happy and don't feel guilty. Your baby does not need stress. It sounds like for your own health, you need to avoid your Mother right now. Michelle had a good idea about sending a gift - if it will make you feel better. Otherwise, stick close to the people you love .... and make you feel good about you. You deserve it!!!!!!!
Hugs. Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I agree with Michelle and Han. If a card/gift seems right to you then go for it or else just politely decline.
Sometimes number 1 has to come first and I think maybe this is the time for that. People are often "guilted" into doing things that are wrong for them. I don't think you need feel any guilt over this decision as it seems you have tried to do the right thing by your Mum in the past. The ball is in her court now and it's important for you to have happiness around you at the moment.
Kerrie
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What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
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Are you my long lost twin? Boy, I really felt your story as we share such a similiar family background. My mother is manic depressive and has been in and out of mental institutions for over 10 years. She's attempted suicide quite a few times and only 2 days ago told me that "she's not afraid of suicide." Like you, I"m very lucky to have a father who I just adore - who gave me the best sense of stablity he could within his circumstances.
I feel your anguish. The lead up to Christmas is pure agony. It's not a thing that gets planned a few weeks beforehand, because it's something that people like you and me struggle with for months beforehand. Sometimes I've worried so much that I"ve made myself sick about it. It's amazing the level of manipulation that people can have over you whether you 'let' them be a part of your life or not.
Every year I've seen her on christmas day, and it is a very sombre environment. Anyway, this year I"m spending it with my boyfriend's parents - OVERSEAS!
I can't tell you what to do. What I can say though is that I can understand EXACTLY what you are going through. Only you will come to a conclusion on this. It's weighing up whether to not include her for self preservation (yours and your husband) at the expense of feeling 'guilty' or to include her (but dread the lead up to it).
Is there some other 'creative' solution to this? Perhaps write down all your options eg to invite/not to invite/to see her christmas eve/to go away for christmas and have a 'mock' chrissy day with your family instead etc..... Then for each one, write out the positives, negatives etc and then you will see clearly what alternative seems the best.
Sorry I've written an essay here, but I wanted you to know that you're certainly not alone! I've probably divulged a lot more on here than I would do, however, seeing your honesty and vulnerability - I just felt I owed you the same.
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Thank you tlc!
My gosh! I am realizing everyone has a story,huh? It just amazes that there are people out there who actually put their children through this. I think I am going through such a time with this because I am pregnant now and have thought so much of the mother I need and want to be.
Thank you for your understanding. I hope you come to some kind of conclusion for your Christmas as well. Please know, I will be thinking of you.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Thank you:
#22182 - 10/01/03 07:02 AM
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Lana_Marie
Reged: 01/31/03
Posts: 1968
Loc: Saskatchewan. Canada
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Thank you Michelle, Kerrie, Hans, Tim and Artist and the rest of you I have already responded to.
I fight with this all the time because all my life I was taught I was "wrong". It's so nice to be honest about the situation and get honest responses in return.
Thank you everyone. You are so right, I will have to terminate this relationship.
I will send a gift only to make myself feel a little better and not go to Christmas.
Thank you everyone, you are all so wonderful. I appreciate you all and your caring, it has really touched me. You are all truly great friends to have!
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Hi Lana,
Did you get my e-mail?
You wrote, "I am pregnant now and have thought so much of the mother I need and want to be". Speaking from experience not having your mom around for your the birth of your baby will be really hard for you. I cried not having my mom around for all three babies and she has never seen my children. It was a choice my husband and I had to make for the safety of our kids. You can not wish for something that isn't there.
It wasn't an easy choice to make and yes there is alot of saddness not having the mom around you wish you can have. All new moms need their mothers, but not one who will be destructive. You will experience so much joy when your baby is born, but I do encourage you to grieve not having your mom around.
Lana I do think you will be a great mom!! I don't think you will repeat your mom's mistakes. Your child will have Grandpa (your dad) around to play with.
You will be in my prayers while you make a decision about Christmas.
HUGS to you.
Barb
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I didn't get a chance to read anyone else's responses, but before I even finished your post, my first reaction was "No!" After finishing reading your post, I would strongly say to you "No Way!" You have your own family now and you deserve to be happy over the holidays. Spend times with the ones you love and the ones who love you back.
I've been through two Christmases like that and finally put my foot down and refused to visit this particular home for the third holiday. My ex-fiance and I soon broke up after that. I'm happier today than I have ever been in my whole life.
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~jules
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I went to a school seminar and they talked about this thing called the Johari Window and basically it said that the more honest you are and the more you disclose about yourself personally, the more you find out about others and their stories.
I think that happened to you - especially considering you mentioned that you are a private person.
I'm trying to be more open with things like that too. It's just, having that background with a mother like that, you try not to bring it to the surface all the time. I know that my biggest 'hate' is to feel like someone is going to judge me based on her actions.
Anyway - there's a lot of things we have to overcome having this kind of relationship with our mother, and I can understand perfectly why you'd be going through all of these things now becoming a mother yourself. Remember though, we'll be great at motherhood as we've learnt all the things NOT to do to our child!!!!
Also - we are lucky to have such other wonderfully special people in our lives (fathers, partner) who balance things out for us.
Take care!
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Hi Lana....
I'm so sorry it has taken me so long to reply to your post. You are so good with advice for me. Being here at work I didn't have time to read your whole post til this morning while I am the only one in the room.
I understand what you are going through. My mom (although NOT hateful like yours) used to make me feel sooooo guilty for not doing holidays the way she wanted them once my husband and I got married (and even before when we were engaged). It still makes me nervous when holidays draw near and I have to decide how we are going to divide our time between our two families since they both live here in the same town. But, as we are together more years it becomes easier to say I'm going to do it the best we can and if it makes anyone upset they will just have to deal with it. It's still hard, though.
In your situation where your mom has been so hateful I would say that what is best for you is to have Christmas the way you want. Take your health into consideration and your relationship with your husband into consideration. Do what makes you happy. You know that you will only be miserable if you are around your mom at Christmastime, right? I know it's hard because she is your mom, but it's not worth it if it will make you miserable. Maybe if you don't see her at Christmas she might realize how her actions have hurt you. I know that's stretching it, but you never know.
I haven't had time to read everyone elses replys. I wish you the best!
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
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Am sorry my reply to this is a bit late,am catching up with all the posts! I totally understand what you are going through.For me its the opposite,its keiths family that are "the problem",and like you i'm not used to airing things in public,last year they completely ruined his christmas day for various reasons,he has never had a close relationship with his parents,in all the years we've been together they have never sent him birthday card etc,never called,etc anyway he now doesn't communicate with them at all,and although at times it preys on his emotions,he has definetly made the right decision.Luckily my family have taken him on board as on of their own.So i really think if it causes so much emotion,hurt and unhappy memories,then you are doing the right thing.
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Morven 
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Hi Lana,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. Family is very interesting. In my case, if I don't call my mom or go to her house, I won't hear from her for months...and she lives 20 min from me. My brother and I thought it would get better once we had kids...we now have 2 kids each and it is still the same. She says, "We are the grandparents who don't see the kids much but give them nice gifts, he he he." It's pretty sad.
I saw some other posts suggesting you don't go at all and wondering what other alternates might be. My brother-in-law doesn't get along with his mom and on Christmas he takes the kids over to her house for a hour or two then comes home. I guess it depends on if she is going to bash you for the entire time you are there...maybe a short stay won't give her the opportunity. Be sure other family members are there too...if there is a lot of people, you can talk to them and indirectly avoid her. Then wish her a merry one, and be on your way.
These situations are very difficult, I have been there too. At one point in my life I was going to Florida every Christmas so I didn't have to have the event with either side of the family.
I wish you all the best:)
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As I was writing my post, I was so nervous that everyone would judge me (As I had previously stated). I never imagined that everyone would be so supportive and also have stories of their own.
My grandma always says "If you bear your soul, you will see others clearly" How true!
I wish to thank everyone so much!! You have truly touched my heart and made me realize that I am a good person and don't have to have "mean" people in my life.
It is amazing how many of you also share the same family trouble!! I want you all to know, you will be in my thoughts this Christmas. May you all be blessed and loved as you deserve!!!
Love,
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Lana....
First of all...CONGRATS on being prego... I had not read that anywhere yet.
Second... after reading what everyone else had to say...I really don't know what else to add.
So, I'm just gonna say... TAKE CARE YOU AND YOUR NEW FAMILY !!
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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