I need some advice...would you go to Christmas? Sorry -quite long!
#22079 - 09/30/03 11:49 AM
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Lana_Marie
Reged: 01/31/03
Posts: 1968
Loc: Saskatchewan. Canada
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I need some advice...I normally don't air my dirty laundry on the boards and am a pretty private person...but I respect everyone on the boards very much and therefore want your opinions....
My mother and I do not get along or much less speak. My childhood was filled with mental and verbal abuse to the point of my seeking councellor for much of my teenage years after my parents divorce. My dad stuck out the marriage because he knew if he asked for a divorce then (24 years ago) he would not have gotten custody and our lives would have been awful.
I have alot of respect and admiration for my father as he stuck out his crappy life to save his children.
Anyways - my mother and I have never had a relationship. She has been in and out of mental institutes threatening suicide - I would go rushing into see her for her to say "Your lucky it never happened or you would only have yourself to blame"
Anyways - this year is the first year I have took a stand and decided to NOT speak to her. She is pure evil and causes me emotional issues which bleeds into problems with my husband. Since I have not spoken with my mother, my husband and I have had a wonderful relationship.
Christmas is coming up soon enough and already I am fighting with myself. I honestly do not want to subject myself to the torment of plastering on a fake smile and sitting there with her for another fake Christmas.
However, she has ruined so many Christmas' for us when we were small that I know what it felt like to hurt on Christmas and don't want to bring that feeling onto anyone.
I try with every ounce of my being to be a good person and help people, but I just have gotten to the point where I don't want to help her anymore.
Do you all think I am wrong for feeling like this? I want to be a good person, but honestly don't feel like she is worth my efforts.
My sister is having a baby in November and my mom has never called her yet to see how she is feeling or doing. And my sister did call her and tell her she was pregnant.
I have not called her or anything to tell her I am pregnant. I just don't want to share this news with her.
NOTE: I don't want anyone to pity me. I am not an overly religious person, but I do believe that god put me in this situation to learn from. I will be everything my mother was not...and I will prove that I am better than her.
I just want to know if anyone else would go to Christmas.
Edited to add: This is the first time since I have been on the boards that I have actually "aired" my complete family issues. I have mentioned we have some, but never to this extent. I am very nervous and hope no one judges me for talking about this. I hope I haven't offended anyone. 
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
Edited by Lana_Marie (09/30/03 11:53 AM)
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Lana Marie,
Of course, none of us would judge you. We are here to listen and to offer whatever advice we can. As I was reading your post, I was thinking that maybe your pregnancy would change your relationship with your mother. Then when you said she has not contacted your sister during her pregnancy, that idea went out the window.
All I can say to you is that some people will never change and that no matter what you try to do to mend the relationship, if they are not willing to accept you (for whatever reason) as you are, there is nothing you can do to change that. If it hurts you to see her and it causes a rift between you and your husband then I personally would not see her. It's just not worth it, for your emotional state. Especially now that you are pregnant it is important that you not get yourself all worked up about this.
Now that we are sharing personal information, I will tell you that I speak from experience, but in my situation, it's my in-laws. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but my in-laws have never liked me. I have wrestled with this for years (23 to be exact) and after much tears and lots of counseling, have decided that if they do not like me, there's nothing I can do about it. I have given up trying to be the perfect daughter-in-law that they want me to be. I have come to the conclusion that nobody would have been good enough for their only son. If he had married Princess Di, she would not have been good enough for them! It hurts to think about it, but I finally have realized that if they don't like me for who I am then it's their problem and not mine. I gave them their only two grandchildren and they still weren't happy with me. Like I said, sometimes people cannot be made happy. Usually this is because there is something else in their life that causes them to just be unhappy people. Unfortunately, people, like us, who happen to care and would love to reestablish the relationship, are unable to do so no matter what we do. Sorry I'm rambling. I hope I'm making some sense.
Like I said, I don't think you should feel guilty for not wanting to see her. Seeing someone who has caused you so much pain in the past has got to be extremely difficult for you. Please don't feel guilty if you don't want to see her. Sometimes you just have to move on----and live your life surrounded by those that do care for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful husband, father, sister, and in-laws. I would relish in that and enjoy your pregnancy without getting so upset. You are a sweet person and I know you are going to be a terrific mother. Smile, sweetie!
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Oh Lana honey! Why would we be offended?! Some people are lucky with their parents and some aren't - it doesn't reflect on you at all.
If I were you, I don't think I would go spend Christmas with your mother. You don't need that kind of stress at the moment, what with your pregnancy and your IBS. This is supposed to be a really happy time for you and your hubbie - why risk spoiling it?
Hope this helps in some way. Lots of big virtual hugs!
Linz
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BL: Thank you so much...I really appreciate you honest opinion.
I am sorry for your inlaw situation, but you sound like you have gotten it all worked out within yourself and that is an excellent spot to be at.
Thanks again,
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Thanks Linz- I appreciate your kind words. Thank you for understanding.
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Aw, Lana!
Wish I could give you a big hug. Nobody here is going to judge you as we all have our own family and friend issues. Heaven knows my family is difficult enough.
Perhaps giving your mom some breathing room might help her realize what she is doing to herself and the people around her. Sometimes when people get enough room, they realize their actions and words are driving the people who care about them away.
Now that you're expecting, you have more than yourself to worry about. I also hate to say it, but do you want to bring your child over to your mom's house when it's born just to go through the same mental anguish? That's also something to think about. Don't feel guilty for not going to see her because it's not just you who would suffer.
If you want her to know about your pregnancy, but don't want to talk to her, perhaps send a note card? That way you don't have to hear a response if you don't want to.
Hope this helps a little bit. Email me if you want to talk - you know I'm always available to listen.
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- Jennifer
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Thanks Jen!
You are so right - that baby would see that type of abuse too and that's is not right at all...it will be alot easier to make decisions when they don't just affect me.
(My husband stands up for himself - so she doesn't affect him when we go there)
Thanks for being here Jennifer. I appreciate it!
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Lana_Marie
Proud Mommy to Bentley Taylor
Born May 12, 2004 9lbs, 3oz
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Lana Marie, Now that you are expecting, you owe it to yourself, your husband and your baby to rid yourself of toxic personalities in your life. Being around all that negative energy is no good for anyone. Let your childhood teach you how to be the mother you always wanted. Your baby will be very lucky indeed. Best to you. Stay happy and healthy. artist
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Hi Lana Marie,
The best advice I can give is to steer clear of Christmas with your mother, and any other interaction for that matter. I know its a tough decision to make, but what matters now is you and YOUR family. As an IBS sufferer you certainly don't need the stress, and with a baby on the way...you owe it to yourself to avoid such painful situations and minimise the stress on both yourself and your beautiful baby.
The way I see it is that our parents bring us into this world through their love. That does not mean they own us, and they certainly do not have the right to abuse us(mentally or otherwise).
This is a guys perspective, and probably a little selfish I know, but if a situation can't be fixed I find myself asking 'What does this do for me or those that I case about?' if the answer is nothing, then it's time to close the door and walk away. You may feel a little guilty in the short-run, but odds are you'll be feeling a lot better from not putting yourself through the torment and heartache.
Ultimately the decision is yours and I am sure you will decide on the right path for you. But no matter what you choose to do, always remember that we are all here for you.
Best regards,
Tim
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Tim
-A poor man's Jamie Oliver...without the attitude!
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How could anyone judge you? It is so hard to share personal pains of this nature. I just went through a weekend of IBS misery because MY mother was here to visit, so I empathize. She is not as "bad" as you are describing but issues are there none the less.
I do not think you have anything at all to feel guilty about, or second guess yourself. Send a card and a nice gift if it seems appropriate, but don't put yourself through any misery of a visit. Especially pregnant, stress is not a good thing.
Hugs - I can relate to it being hard to open up.
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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