Umm Bevvy.... I need your advice again...
#217640 - 10/05/05 01:20 PM
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What do you do when you can't put the person on the shelf? I mean this is the ONLY person in the world that I cannot put on the shelf. This person has hurt me so deeply. What do I do?
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Uh-Oh....
#217661 - 10/05/05 05:14 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Sweetie, it's so hard for me to give advice on anything that I don't fully understand. And that's the case here. I truly do not know who you could be talking about, but I'm assuming it's someone on the Boards; otherwise, you could mention who it is.
I've been hurt myself so many times, and yes, very deeply, so much so, in fact, that it's stuck with me all my life. What would you do if that person died? I'm serious here. What if the person you are referring to was killed in an accident? My first fiance was killed, very suddenly and unexpectedly. I fell apart. It was the worst time of my life. I wanted to die; I prayed to God to take me too. It wasn't fair that He took my beloved Gary and left me behind.
I never got over it. There is no such thing as "closure." That was 43 years ago, and not one single day has gone by since that I have not thought of Gary.
If your friend had died, you would have no choice but to get over it, just like I had no choice. It's hard to do, believe me, it's DAMN hard, but it's something you HAVE to do. If you can't put your friend on The Shelf, then try to think of her as being gone forever, like Gary is gone from me. You just move on, out of necessity.
I don't know why your friend hurt you like she did; neither do I know why God took Gary from me like He did. We have to move on; we have to put it behind us.
You're a darling gal who has a good heart. There are a lot of people who care for you and will love you like you deserve. Don't give any more of yourself to the person who hurt you; they don't deserve it. Move on.
When Gary died, I just took it one day at a time. I did NOT focus on the future, just on getting through that one day without falling apart. That whole year was a big blur in my memory, but I got through it.
You will too.
{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}
Bevvy
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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It's noone on the boards. It's a family member. One so close it's impossible to put them on the shelf. I'm sorry I wasn't more specific. I'm so sorry you lost your fiance. It must have been to terrifically painful, I can only imagine. It makes my problems seem like little cookies. If this person died, I would be completely devistated, like you were for Gary. My life would never be the same. I can't live without this person. I think you get the idea. So now what?
Things are much better - we have been talking A LOT. I feel much better, more angry than hurt now. The depression I feared is no longer looming over me. I have moved on, and am willing to work through it all. This person is worth fighting for, and I want them in my life. I guess I just answered my own question.
You are a very wise woman. You are a gift to all of us.
Love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Alicia,
I hope that everything is going ok!
one thing that I would suggest is looking into family therapy, or talking to a counselor yourself about this (i'm not sure if you do this already).
Family therapy can be fabulous though if the other person is willing and able to go with you. It can help you learn alot about yourself, them, and you relationship together. You can always forgive, but its almost impossible to forget (especially depending on if the person is a close relative, ie mother, father, husband child, as opposed to a more distant family member). Counseling may help make forgetting more bearable.
good luck with everything. Let us know how it goes.
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What Ashley Said
#217818 - 10/06/05 12:04 PM
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Bevvy
Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State
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Alicia, thanks for the sweet compliments. Actually, Ashley has it right. Go for the therapy. At one point in our married lives, hubby and I hit a tough spot. It was during The Women's Movement, and I was having a difficult time turning our situation around. I questionned marriage and was considering getting out of ours. It was a bad time, real tough on both of us. Hubby and I went to a super therapist who helped us immeasurably.
That was 31 years ago. Without her help, I don't know that hubby and I would have made it all these years. I don't know your situation, Alicia, but I have a good idea now what you're talking about. Please consider Ashley's suggestion; it's a damn good one.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
Bevvy
P.S.: You're right. You DID answer your own question.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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We have a counselling appt for Oct 20. Let you know how it goes.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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