Nelly *DELETED*
#208234 - 08/24/05 04:17 PM
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Jeano
Reged: 03/20/04
Posts: 1392
Loc: USA
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Post deleted by Shelby Jean
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You are so right!!
#208237 - 08/24/05 04:21 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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You get it, totally!! LOL! Stupid men.
I'm giving him his space big time now. He'll recover eventually. He's in his "getting even with nelly" mode right now. Honestly, it's like I'm not allowed to have a good time without him! Can't say I'm surprised! Some guys!
How have you been, Shelby? I enjoyed the emails when I got back! Found any moonshine connections for me yet?? 
~nelly~
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Post deleted by Jeano
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My husband and I have always argued whenever one of us has returned from an absence. I think you both have these grand expectations, and everything somehow turns to crap. The emotional needs are heightened or something.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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I found out that while I was away, BF had made plans to buy a motorcycle. I found the paperwork in my car-- he didn't tell me himself. The last time he had a bike, he drove it around with no license and no insurance, and I cried and worried when he was out on it. I told him over and over that I could never deal with him having a bike again, even joking that his new girlfriend would have no problem with it. 
So he finally admits over the phone from work yday (after a lot of prodding from me) that he's picking up the bike tomorrow (mind you, I've already FOUND the paperwork!!!). I tell him to come home with an explanation and tell me his plan. He comes home arguing he's going to be 30 and wants a bike and that's it.
I tell him tearfully that I can't live this way. Nothing's changed... he doesn't have a license, he's never taken a class tho he's self-taught, and he's not a great rider. ALSO he's using the $1500 his dad sent him from Iraq that was meant for a new car (his dad even got BF's boss to agree to co-sign a car loan!!!), and with a bike, he's not going to be able to ride it past September!! I asked him, "Are you going to take the dog to the vet's appointmants on your bike? Are you going to do the shopping on your bike?? What about in a couple of months when there's ice on the road??" He's got no other car. Does he expect me to pick up the slack??  
Finally I just handed him his 30-day's notice to leave the apartment.
He says I'm overreacting. Yeah, obviously, but this is the way I feel. I can't be staying up nights wondering if the sirens I'm hearing are for him. Nothing's changed since the last time he had a bike. He just thinks he can be irresponsible and there are no consequences. It's so frustrating that he'd do this behind my back because he knows I'd never accept it if I knew what had been going on.
This whole situation STINKS!!
I told him let's do couple's therapy (we've been together 9 years) and see if there's a solution I'm not seeing. He's cool with that, but I know he's going to get the bike today anyway. I can't believe he's thrown away this chance to get a car of his own. If somebody offered me a down-payment plus a co-signer on a car loan, you'd better be sure I wouldn't throw it away on a toy I couldn't use when it rains!! 
Any ideas, anyone?? 
~nelly~
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oh nelly!
stupid stupid boys. I may be young.. but I know about boys. I am sure that the reason he was a straight up loser to you when you got home, was because he knew that he did something wrong.
boys use bad attitudes when they know they've messed up by us. So i'm sure this explains what happened with you. (NOT ALL BOYS..BUT ALOT OF THEM).
I dunno what to tell you. you have every right to be P.O.ed. especially if he went behind your back to do it. Maybe couples counseling will work.. does he know how scared you are for him to have it? (maybe if you explain I love you so much and i'm so worried etc etc and make him feel like you're doing it out of love, and not because you want to ruin his good time it will help persuade him to dump the bike). Is he planning on getting a license, cause you can def get arrested for driving without one.
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*HUGS*
#208377 - 08/25/05 08:06 AM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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You didn't do anything wrong, Nelly. Maybe you guys do need a break, if he's going to pull stuff behind your back like that (which also might explain his pissiness when you got back). I think the combo of couples therapy and taking a break from each other is a good idea. Hopefully it'll knock some sense into him and he'll sell the bike and get a car!
*HUGS* Here if you need someone. My email box is always open.
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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I would "overeact" the same!! My husband jokes CONSTANTLY that he will get a motorcycle. I think it's 95% a joke. But if we had a windfall of money, and could pay off all bills and then some, I think he'd actually consider it. I always say "over my dead body" (a frequent response of mine), for the same reasons you've cited: safety and impracticality. We live in the midwest so the motorcycle season is short. And NOT WORTH IT. I know there are plenty of people who ride safely, but to me, it's a bad idea. Mind you, before we were engaged, he was taking flying lessons. Because we weren't married then, I expressed my opinion, but didn't make demands. Luckily for me, his parents (who he still lived with), pressured him enough that he gave it up.
I mean, as partners we try to be supportive of each other's interests. But if one person is so ADAMANTLY against something, for all the reasons you've noted, shouldn't that be some sort of deterrant? Is a motorcycle REALLY that much of a priority?
AND doing anything that serious behind your back, is just dishonest. He knew what your reaction would be which is why he did it that way. Basically he decided that how you felt didn't matter.
Sorry, Nelly! I don't have any real advice except...I don't think you're being unusually uptight. Compromise is great but don't be a doormat.
Ginger
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I told him over and over it was because I was so scared for him, that I love him and I can't help worrying! I just cried and cried and told him it would be different if we lived in a different climate with better, straighter roads. I told him I can't help feeling like I'm going to lose him every time he goes out. He was the one who recomended psychiatric help for ME to get over it. (!!) I told him couples councelling would be better!!
He said he wanted a license, that he intended on getting one, but that's what he said last time. He's going to pick up the bike today, what does that tell me. Because as of today he still doesn't have a license!
Last time around, I loaned him money to buy his bike ($600), bought him gloves ($55) a helmet, ($400), and paid for his insurance ($99-- but he let it lapse!). I even shelled out the $40 for his learner's permit, but he never went to get his final test done. He also promised me he'd do the MD Motorcycle Driving Course, which he never did.
It's like everythng is happening again!! Nothing's changed, and he just doesn't get that this kind of general irresponsibility doesn't exactly ROCK ME TO SLEEP at night.
How do I get through to him????? I just don't get why he's throwing away the chance at getting a CAR so he can have this death machine I wouldhave thought this was finally out of his system. Any ideas??
~nelly~
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maybe you need a break to really wake him up some! it sounds like all this motorcycle stuff is just showing a larger problem which is, like you said, his irresponsibility. I have friends who are dating and there is a similar problem...the responsible one has taken care/helped the irresponsible one just a little too much and and now it seems like there is no reason to change. Too much comfort. Sounds like he needs "tough love" or whatever you call it. It would be better for him to shape up, and better for you to have someone you can depend on.
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