Nelly *DELETED*
#208234 - 08/24/05 04:17 PM
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Jeano
Reged: 03/20/04
Posts: 1392
Loc: USA
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Post deleted by Shelby Jean
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You are so right!!
#208237 - 08/24/05 04:21 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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You get it, totally!! LOL! Stupid men.
I'm giving him his space big time now. He'll recover eventually. He's in his "getting even with nelly" mode right now. Honestly, it's like I'm not allowed to have a good time without him! Can't say I'm surprised! Some guys!
How have you been, Shelby? I enjoyed the emails when I got back! Found any moonshine connections for me yet?? 
~nelly~
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My husband and I have always argued whenever one of us has returned from an absence. I think you both have these grand expectations, and everything somehow turns to crap. The emotional needs are heightened or something.
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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I found out that while I was away, BF had made plans to buy a motorcycle. I found the paperwork in my car-- he didn't tell me himself. The last time he had a bike, he drove it around with no license and no insurance, and I cried and worried when he was out on it. I told him over and over that I could never deal with him having a bike again, even joking that his new girlfriend would have no problem with it. 
So he finally admits over the phone from work yday (after a lot of prodding from me) that he's picking up the bike tomorrow (mind you, I've already FOUND the paperwork!!!). I tell him to come home with an explanation and tell me his plan. He comes home arguing he's going to be 30 and wants a bike and that's it.
I tell him tearfully that I can't live this way. Nothing's changed... he doesn't have a license, he's never taken a class tho he's self-taught, and he's not a great rider. ALSO he's using the $1500 his dad sent him from Iraq that was meant for a new car (his dad even got BF's boss to agree to co-sign a car loan!!!), and with a bike, he's not going to be able to ride it past September!! I asked him, "Are you going to take the dog to the vet's appointmants on your bike? Are you going to do the shopping on your bike?? What about in a couple of months when there's ice on the road??" He's got no other car. Does he expect me to pick up the slack??  
Finally I just handed him his 30-day's notice to leave the apartment.
He says I'm overreacting. Yeah, obviously, but this is the way I feel. I can't be staying up nights wondering if the sirens I'm hearing are for him. Nothing's changed since the last time he had a bike. He just thinks he can be irresponsible and there are no consequences. It's so frustrating that he'd do this behind my back because he knows I'd never accept it if I knew what had been going on.
This whole situation STINKS!!
I told him let's do couple's therapy (we've been together 9 years) and see if there's a solution I'm not seeing. He's cool with that, but I know he's going to get the bike today anyway. I can't believe he's thrown away this chance to get a car of his own. If somebody offered me a down-payment plus a co-signer on a car loan, you'd better be sure I wouldn't throw it away on a toy I couldn't use when it rains!! 
Any ideas, anyone?? 
~nelly~
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oh nelly!
stupid stupid boys. I may be young.. but I know about boys. I am sure that the reason he was a straight up loser to you when you got home, was because he knew that he did something wrong.
boys use bad attitudes when they know they've messed up by us. So i'm sure this explains what happened with you. (NOT ALL BOYS..BUT ALOT OF THEM).
I dunno what to tell you. you have every right to be P.O.ed. especially if he went behind your back to do it. Maybe couples counseling will work.. does he know how scared you are for him to have it? (maybe if you explain I love you so much and i'm so worried etc etc and make him feel like you're doing it out of love, and not because you want to ruin his good time it will help persuade him to dump the bike). Is he planning on getting a license, cause you can def get arrested for driving without one.
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*HUGS*
#208377 - 08/25/05 08:06 AM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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You didn't do anything wrong, Nelly. Maybe you guys do need a break, if he's going to pull stuff behind your back like that (which also might explain his pissiness when you got back). I think the combo of couples therapy and taking a break from each other is a good idea. Hopefully it'll knock some sense into him and he'll sell the bike and get a car!
*HUGS* Here if you need someone. My email box is always open.
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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I would "overeact" the same!! My husband jokes CONSTANTLY that he will get a motorcycle. I think it's 95% a joke. But if we had a windfall of money, and could pay off all bills and then some, I think he'd actually consider it. I always say "over my dead body" (a frequent response of mine), for the same reasons you've cited: safety and impracticality. We live in the midwest so the motorcycle season is short. And NOT WORTH IT. I know there are plenty of people who ride safely, but to me, it's a bad idea. Mind you, before we were engaged, he was taking flying lessons. Because we weren't married then, I expressed my opinion, but didn't make demands. Luckily for me, his parents (who he still lived with), pressured him enough that he gave it up.
I mean, as partners we try to be supportive of each other's interests. But if one person is so ADAMANTLY against something, for all the reasons you've noted, shouldn't that be some sort of deterrant? Is a motorcycle REALLY that much of a priority?
AND doing anything that serious behind your back, is just dishonest. He knew what your reaction would be which is why he did it that way. Basically he decided that how you felt didn't matter.
Sorry, Nelly! I don't have any real advice except...I don't think you're being unusually uptight. Compromise is great but don't be a doormat.
Ginger
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I told him over and over it was because I was so scared for him, that I love him and I can't help worrying! I just cried and cried and told him it would be different if we lived in a different climate with better, straighter roads. I told him I can't help feeling like I'm going to lose him every time he goes out. He was the one who recomended psychiatric help for ME to get over it. (!!) I told him couples councelling would be better!!
He said he wanted a license, that he intended on getting one, but that's what he said last time. He's going to pick up the bike today, what does that tell me. Because as of today he still doesn't have a license!
Last time around, I loaned him money to buy his bike ($600), bought him gloves ($55) a helmet, ($400), and paid for his insurance ($99-- but he let it lapse!). I even shelled out the $40 for his learner's permit, but he never went to get his final test done. He also promised me he'd do the MD Motorcycle Driving Course, which he never did.
It's like everythng is happening again!! Nothing's changed, and he just doesn't get that this kind of general irresponsibility doesn't exactly ROCK ME TO SLEEP at night.
How do I get through to him????? I just don't get why he's throwing away the chance at getting a CAR so he can have this death machine I wouldhave thought this was finally out of his system. Any ideas??
~nelly~
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maybe you need a break to really wake him up some! it sounds like all this motorcycle stuff is just showing a larger problem which is, like you said, his irresponsibility. I have friends who are dating and there is a similar problem...the responsible one has taken care/helped the irresponsible one just a little too much and and now it seems like there is no reason to change. Too much comfort. Sounds like he needs "tough love" or whatever you call it. It would be better for him to shape up, and better for you to have someone you can depend on.
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maybe the fact that he's turning 30 has something to do with it. (early midlife crisis perhaps). This motorcycle makes him feel cool and young again?
I know what you mean about the roads and unsafe climate to drive. The entire DC area is awful... especially the traffic. How fun can stop and go traffic be on the back of a hog. lets be realistic.
Don't cry Nelly! I think you should just try to talk to him face to face. maybe if he sees your tears and genuine fear he'll realize that he can't just think about himself. When you're with someone for 9 years you need to think about you both
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Oh no Nelly! He is willing to lose you over a stupid bike???
grrrr.. Maybe he's going through an almost 30's crisis?
I'm so sorry.
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I know you get it, totally. It's so good to have you on my side! You've hit it on the head with me being the responsible one and him using that to get away with being irresponsible.
I wish I could depend on him!! I don't want to spend my life constantly looking over my shoulder/checking up on him to see he's not pulling a fast one behind my back. I am SHATTERED that he's chosen the bike over me. But he's made his choice. If only I could stop CRYING.
~nelly~
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Oh Nelly, I hate that you're crying.
Is he always so stubborn? Do you think his unhappy welcoem home had anything to do with knowing you'd get upset over his soon to be new bike?
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Midlife crisis
#208399 - 08/25/05 08:24 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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This is exactly what I accused him of. He countered by saying I was being irrational. I told him, we're both right... so now what do we do!
I feel like my heart is ripping out. I can't believe I'm being replaced with a bike he's nt even going to be able to use in 6 weeks. GOD I WISH I COULD BUY HIM SOME FORESIGHT!
~nelly~
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Oh, Nelly, I hate it when s**t like this happens to wonderful people! I wish that there was something I could do to help. I wish he would grow up and realize what he's doing!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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It's like he was ready for my tears. I don't think I moved him at all. Selfish bastard.
I wish I weren't crying, that I could be tougher. I never cry when we argue. It's just that I'm so sure that he's going to crash on his new bike. I'm so scared for him and he's acting like it couldn't possibly happen.
My heart feels like it's ripping out. I can't describe it, it's really horrible.
~nelly~
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Thank you so much Mel. I really appreciate the hugs! I can't even think about it without getting those big heaving sobs!! I've just got to calm down.
I wish he'd get it, too. Know any voodoo?
~nelly~
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Ok Nelly, can you let him make his mistake and then in 6 weeks, he'll come to his senses and sell the bike for a car? Would he do that? Maybe he just doens't like the thought that you're telling him what he can and cannot do? (I'm on your side 100%!)
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Re: Nelly
#208409 - 08/25/05 08:33 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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Oh sweetie, why doesn't he get it?? I don't think you are being irrational at all. His actions from the last time he had a bike are proving you right. I mean, you did so much for him with buying everything and paying for the learners permit and stuff and he couldn't even bother to take the friggin test! Has he always been this irresponsible?
At least he agreed to couple counseling. Maybe if a non-involved third party points out his irresponsiblness (is that a word?  ), he'll finally "get it" and hopefuuly change.
This has got to be so hard on you. Take a deep breath, call and schedule the appt for the counselor and soak in the hot tub. I know your hurting, I would be too. Big hugs!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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It makes total sense that he was defensive from the start. I found the slip from the bike dealership when he picked me up from the airport. He must have known that this was going to happen eventually, and just started picking fights with me from the get go.
Man, I could just strangle him right now! Would you put someone you love through this?? He wasn't expecting to be kicked out, I can tell you that. Don't know what he was thinking. Good luck moving his stuff and dog to another place on that bike.
~nelly~
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Re: Midlife crisis
#208413 - 08/25/05 08:38 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I agree he doesn't like being given the ultimatum that 1) He can't get a bike, and 2) He has to leave if he does. We need intervention because we're both too pig-headed to back down. Because I won't stand for him making a unilateral decision that affects us both behind my back, and trying to cover it up with his contrived rationale. He's spending a lot of money that's being wasted (at least $7000), and he's jeopardizing his health with no regard to me.
Yeah, we've totally reached a stalemate.
~nelly~
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So Nelly, are you really kicking him out? How did he react to that?
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Ok, I'm glad you realize that Nelly. It's obvious you love him so try to get some third party in to help you guys.
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Whoa, I am taken aback by all this. First, Nelly, you have EVERY right to be upset. What he did was wrong. HE should never keep secrets like that. ANd for him to start fights the minute you get back is without a doubt a sign that he was BUSTED.
I don't know what to say. I am so sorry. Why don't you come up to NY when Tina is here? We'll go out the night Dalia can go out!
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Thanks, Michele
#208417 - 08/25/05 08:41 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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It's so nice knowing I'm NOT CRAZY! I just want to shake some sense into him!
I thought that he was done being irresponsible, with him having a job, health insurance and a future. Now this. 4 years ago he swore he'd never get a bike again, that it was all out of his system. Now he's going behind my back and repeating the same old patterns.
ARGH!!! So frustrated!
~nelly~
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I agree! Come to NY and we'll party it up!
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Tommy
#208419 - 08/25/05 08:46 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Tommy you are so sweet. Maybe NY will be a possiblity. I def need some time away from him. So frustrating that my man hasn't learned responsiblity, and perhaps I am the one to blame! I know all men aren't like this.
You're so right that he was made from the time he picked me up at the airport, and he KNEW IT. *frustrated*
~nelly~
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Counceling
#208422 - 08/25/05 08:48 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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He said he'd look for a councelor, but I might just look for one too. Don't know where to start right now. My mind feels like it's filled with hot, angry bees.
You can't choose who you fall in love with! Crappy love. Always kicking me in the a**.
~nelly~
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Yep, I made him sign an eviction letter last night, when he wouldn't back down. I'm giving him 30 days to take him, his dog, and (if he has one) his vehicle out. I put in there that he could take his time moving out his stuff, giving him til Oct. 1st until I pack up what's remaining and give it to his (estranged) mother.
I told him I still wanted to date him, that this is not what this is about. But if he's going to have a bike, I can't live like this. I can't be crying every time he takes it out, and staying up at night until he comes back waiting or a call from the police. He can date me, but I can't live with him knowing that he's out there somewhere on that death trap.
~nelly~
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Nelly, maybe once you two calm down a bit and aren't both on the defensive, you guys will be able to have a good talk?
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You're one tough cookie. Way to stand your ground!
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Yeah, the tough part goes both ways doesn't it?? Part of loving someone is putting their interests before you, but at some point you have to stop and make sure that you're not hurting both of you in the long run. It looks like you've reached this point already. What is love worth? I don't really know if there is an answer. But if your gut and instincts and common sense are all telling you "this isn't right", chances are...it's not. Definitely try for counseling cause hey---not everyone grows up as quickly as others, and we all make mistakes in our lives and deserve a chance. But don't make your life a string of "second chances" for him.
You probably won't stop crying anytime soon, so sorry!! Be strong and brave. As awful as things are, I don't think it's completely hopeless. But stick to your guns!! You want a man who can make the right choices without you forcing him too!
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Don't know
#208431 - 08/25/05 09:06 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I want to have a good talk with him. But I mean, he's picking up the bike TODAY.
The last talk we had, he refused to look at the future, to see that what he needs is a CAR. He couldn't tell me what he'd be doing for transportation in November, just that he'd "figure something out."
And he doesn't understand the worry that comes with losing a loved one. I've lost people I know to car accidents and so I know it can happen in a flash. He refuses to accept that there's a risk to him riding. He'd rather chalk up my reaction to histrionics than accapt I might have a point to worrying while he's away.
But you're right, we def need to calm down before we talk again. I actually think I'm just going to take off to my mother's or something til we can talk about it.
~nelly~
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I can't go around making the right choices for him! I thought he was becomming more responsible and making the right choices, but he takes the first opportunity to screw up. So frustrating investing my time into a relationship, when he trades me in for a new bike. I wish the tears would stop, but you're right, I've got a ways to go yet. I hate crying! It just makes me feel more miserable.
~nelly~
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Yeah! Don't mess with nelly! I'm not afraid of being alone, but I am worried about him on that bike. You should have seen the stunts he was trying to do with his last one. *shudder*
I've never been shy about breaking up with guys. I mean, when it's over, it's over. I want to give him every opportunity to fix his mess, but come Sept. 24th (30 days), he's getting the doorwith or without the sheriff department's help. I'm totally not playing!
~nelly~
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When he goes out riding call the cops and report him as not having a license. Getting in trouble is better than getting in an accident.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Re: Don't know
#208447 - 08/25/05 09:35 AM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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Ooooooooooooo...!
~nelly~
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ouch...
#208448 - 08/25/05 09:35 AM
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Hey, Nelly, I just want to send some hugs your way. It sounds like you guys have reached an impasse where neither one of you is willing to compromise. Counseling sounds like a good idea so that you can figure out if there's a way around this one.
Big hugs!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I lost an uncle in a acr accident so I know how awful it can be.
Maybe a visit with your mom would do you wel! 
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Ok, Nelly. I hope he comes to his senses!!!!
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First, I want to say I'm glad you had a great vacation and enjoyed your trip to Dublin. You deserved it!
We don't know each other that well, but from what I've read I think you did the right thing by giving him the eviction notice and deciding that you need couple's counseling. After being together nine years, you don't want end up being the one growing and maturing while he stays the same. You'll end up resenting each other and maybe have an ugly end to the relationship.
I think what you've decided shows you're a strong woman, who's setting boundaries so that you don't have to pick up his slack or spend your time worrying so much about his safety. You well-being is just as important. He might not be worried about the various dangers (physically, legally, financially) of his decision, but your concern should be important to him and enough to make him re-think his plan.
The way he behaved when you arrived home, it seems like he was feeling guilty, didn't want to feel guilty, so he decided it was your fault for making him feel bad (even though you had no idea what he was up to). That's not fair to you!
Stay strong, Nelly!
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Poor Nelly
#208492 - 08/25/05 11:14 AM
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cailin
Reged: 08/12/04
Posts: 3563
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
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Honey, sorry things are so tough right now. You are being so strong, and BF should realise that your reaction (what he consider overreaction) is because you care so much about him)
Try to look after yourself, the next 30 days aren't going to be pretty. Going to visit Tommy and the gang in NY (funds permitting) might be a really good idea.
Take care,
S.
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S.
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Nelly, I think the bigger issue here is that he will be driving around without a license or any insurance. That is very irresponsible. And the fact that he is buying something so impractical with no regard to your feelings also shows his immaturity. He may be almost 30 and "want it," but when you get older, you should realize you can't always have what you want!
The fact that he's gonna do this whether you want him to or not is very selfish of him. He's not thinking of anyone but himself.
Sorry, but I think he needs a big kick in the butt! I hate that he's hurt you so much. You don't do this to people you care about---unless you're just so self-absorbed that you can't think of anything but your own wants!
Goodness, don't ever have children with this guy! Because when you have kids, you always have to put your wants ahead of your childrens' needs.
Maybe kicking him out will help him to grow up....and then again, maybe not. But you can't keep picking up the pieces for him when he makes mistakes. If he chooses a stupid bike over your relationship, that doesn't say a lot about him. I can't believe it's that important to him!
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Hey,
It looks like you and I are in the same boat... albeit a really cr@ppy boat, with no paddle!
I know exactly what you are going through, as I am almost there too with Adrian.
I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time. It's not just the bike thing, but the way that he is dealing with the whole thing sounds extremely childish and selfish, in my opinion. I don't want to fuel the fire or anything, but if you are looking for confirmation that you have every right to be totally upset - here it is!
I really do understand where you are coming from, Adrian used to ride a bike in England. He had a big wipe out and could have been killed - he still has some scars from sliding along the pavement on his hands and stuff. Now he wants to get a bike "as soon as we have enough money". Uh, no.. as soon as you have a new girlfriend, more like!
I said that just what you said, that I will be up at night worrying he HAS killed himself this time in a wipe out or something. He wants to be a cop, and I said that will give me enough to worry about!
They just don't seem to understand, though. It's like that 'staying up at night, wondering and worrying' chip isn't in guys' brains (how totally unfair, by the way!). It's like they see it as a choice, "So don't worry".. like it's that easy!
I don't know what to suggest exactly.. I mean, maybe some time apart might smarten him up a bit, but it's so hard to predict with guys! It seems awfully foolish to be jealous of your girlfriend going away on a fab holiday, and then having your own good time by buying a bike and pissing her off and then walking around like a big man about it. But then, a lot of things men do I find just baffling. (Not all men!).
I really hope that you guys can work it out, couples counselling doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. Maybe if someone else tells him with professional lingo that he needs to smarten up, he'll be able to hear it.
Good luck, Nelly!
**hugs**
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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Hi Nelly,
I just want to say one thing. If your BF could see what a motorcycle accident did to a neighbor of mine he would not be riding one. He had the accident about 3 yrs ago and is just now beginning to walk again and his speech is still slurred.
I can certainly understand your concern.
Good luck in getting this situation resolved.
Barbie
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I think it's all been said here. He's acting like a child. I really admire you for your guts to kick him out. That's really tough love. You can also threaten to report him to the police. Explain that he has no licence, insurance, etc. Besides, with him not beeing a good rider he could hurt someone ELSE. That would be awful for him to live with if he does.
Tons of hugs, Nelly. You're a fabulous woman. You deserve a loving MAN - not a selfish, reckless child.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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lol. When I read your subject line, I thought you meant a paddle to paddle your boys with.  "Kinky," I thought. "But it just might work."
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..you have me in stitches here!
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S.
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Ohmigod, can't believe I've only just seen this. What an IDIOT!
I know he's being TOTALLY irresponsible by not getting a car (I would kick Si's butt to the MOON if he did that ) but do ya think you could talk him into having some lessons and getting a licence so he's at least SLIGHTLY safer?
MEN. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
{{{{{{HUUUUUUUUGGGS}}}}}}
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Nelly!
#208761 - 08/26/05 09:24 AM
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Sheri01
Reged: 04/19/04
Posts: 1731
Loc: New Jersey
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He should be loving you more than the idea of having to have a bike!
And to think of all the times that you have taken care of him when he gets really sick, is he gonna expect you to do that when he gets tossed from his bike?
Completely irresponisble to get one and not know how to use it, is he that crazy to not realize how DANGEROUS those things are???
I don't think that is out of line giving his 30 day notice, even though you aren't married, when you have been together for nine years, and you LIVE together, these kind of decisions need to be made TOGETHER, not while one left the country! There is no reason/excuse/whatever that he should have went behind your back.
If there is one thing that I can't tolerate, its a liar, and allthough you aren't TELLINg lies by keeping a secret like that, decieving someone and witholding information is almost just as bad.
ANd to think he gave YOU a hard time when you came home! It was probably guilt drove him wild, he needed to feel angry at you to feel ok with what he was doing.
I hope that you work it out, there is definately something there if you have been together that long, but make sure that you stand your ground and don't take anymore crap from him. I know that you are smart enough to know how great someone is and how much you love them, if they are not treating you right there is always someone better out there!
lots of luck and hugs!
Sheri
P.S.- you might scare him out of it further if you bring "potential renters" around to view the soon to be available bedroom!
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-Sheri
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THANKS EVERYONE
#208869 - 08/26/05 01:26 PM
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Nelly
Reged: 08/06/04
Posts: 4381
Loc: Within stray mortar fire of DC
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I really appreciate all the support. No more news as of yet if BF is going to move out, or if he stays and doesn't get a bike.
Just wanted to post and tell you I eally don't know what I'd do if I didn't have you all here rooting for me. I've been crying all of yday and the day before, and now I've woken up to have this evil twitch under my left eye. Stoopid BF stressing me out like this.
Listen, thanks again. I'll post as soon as we figure out which direction we're headed. Your posts are always directly on the point, and you're all a bunch of savvy people!! It feels good having the clarity and the friends backing me up. You guys, as always, rock.
~nelly~
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That's a pretty stink thing to do, all behind your back and stuff. Good luck to you! You never know, getting him to move out may just make your relationship better
I moved out a month ago from my boyfriend, who I'd lived with for four years (hence my rather smaller presence here in the last few weeks, I haven't had internet!).. and it seems to be going great, he's really affectionate and attentive and stuff!
Also I don't worry so much about him, he rides BMX and mountain bike, and while he's very good at both, we had a close friend break his back about three months ago on his mountain bike. He's not going to be walking again, so every time Hamish goes for a ride it tenses me up. It's a little easier just not knowing about it.
I hope it works out good either way (sleeping in one's own bed with all the blankets rocks, by the way! Treat yourself to some new not-to-be-sullied-by-stinky-men linen if he moves out). Hang in there, Nelly!
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*Emma*
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