I'm really struggling tonight
#207595 - 08/22/05 06:57 PM
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Augie
Reged: 10/27/04
Posts: 5807
Loc: Illinois
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I usually don't send out a prayer request for myself, but I am in great need of one tonight. I will probably regret posting this, tonight, I have no ability to keep it inside.
I don't know how to even explain it all, as I am just overwhelmed and don't even know if I can get all my thoughts together.
I am feeling very depressed and hopeless....just wanting all this to end. I am overwhelmed with trying to maintain a FT job, having less than poverty level income, a very stressful and noisy apartment where there is no piece of mind or a place to just be calm...a place that drives me crazy with anxiety, trying to find the time to exercise or do the activities I need to do in order to help the constipation....
I am in pain every second of everyday and after 10 months of trying to get relief from symptoms....I just can't and I don't know what I am doing wrong. I can't figure out my trigger foods or what I should take or use to become stable. I can't fathom living in this pain and with these severe symptoms for the rest of my life. I would honestly rather just die. How can I function in this life when I am in in such debilitating physical pain every day?  My tummy hurts so bad...I have such bloating, gas, cramps, constipation. How do I cope with life when all my energy is zapped by my chronic pain?
I have no family that is willing to support me emotionally or financially. I don't know how I can keep going on with all this emotional and physical pain.
My doctor offers me no suggestions on any of my "abnormal" tests that have been done (delayed gastric emptying, a slow functioning Gallbladder, inconsistand gluten antibodies). He tells me to do whatever I want and to take Zelnorm or not take it. To eat gluten or not eat it. I need help and guidance and answers.
I need some relief from all this pain I have. Why won't this diet work for me?????? I try so hard. I'm so tired of waking up in the morning to this non stop physical pain, the depression, and anxiety so high I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown. The anxiety never goes away because the pain never goes away!
I just want some relief and I have lost hope that I will ever be at peace with my anxiety or that I will ever have a day without this severe, severe pain.
I want this to all go away. I want to go away. Why is God punishing me???? Why won't He take away some of my pain....emotional or physical. Together, the physical and emotional pain are killing me...I cannot live with this chronic pain. My belly hurts so much...I always hurt. Nothing makes the pain better. I so tired.
My apartment is in disaray, I can't perform "normal" activities without great anxiety (shopping, cooking, cleaning, making hair appointments...all the responsibilities that an adult has) because I am in so much physical pain...or so overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. The thought of all that is going on makes me want to crawl in a hole...no, I'm already in the deep whole, being buried down.
Please, if you pray, pray for me...for the strength to bare this pain, for the pain to go away, or for God to take me away.
Maybe I'll just go to bed for the night and end this day...problem is, tomorrow will be just as bad, and the day after, and the day after...until I am old, alone in a nursing home, and still in pain. How did my life turn into this mess? Never would I have imagined that this would be my life.
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Im so sorry your feeling this way. You are not alone. We are all here. Were ALWAYS here. IM almost always online..and i love to chat. I pray for us all to be better and pain free. I will pray for you, and hope that you feel better.
Take care *Sending you internet flowers*
Melissa
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Beth! You might feel alone, but you're not alone. We're all here, I'm here. I'm thinking of you. I wish I knew how to help you, how to relieve your pain and soothe your spirit. I wish I could visit you and bring you something safe to eat and listen to you vent.
Have you thought about going to the ER? If there isn't anyone to take you or you can't drive yourself, can you call a taxi? You sound desperate and scared to me and I don't like thinking of you all alone with those thoughts.
Please, keep us updated with posts tonight!
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Beth-
I know you probably don't know me but I am mostly a lurker because we have so many kids that I don't often have the time or energy to post. Having said that I read many of your posts and I understand that it is a struggle and I am also guilty of thinking "How did my life get this way?" and "will it always be like this?" I too struggle daily with pain although it is not constant as yours is. I too feel very alone, but giving up is simply not an option. I have two children and two step children. Some how I just have to keep going. You too Beth. I'm not sure if you want advice on what to do or not, but these are my thoughts: 1) Move out of the apartment even though it may seem scary to do so. 2) Keep trying for a med that will help. You are in pain anyway, right? So what have you got to lose? Have you tried Levsin or Donnatal? Have you tried Benefiber? This seems to be the only SFS I can take and it does help me somewhat although it's not perfect. Before you give up, please try different things and then more things. What about Buspar? I am thinking about trying that once I wean my baby.
Please hang in there Beth. You are sweet person and I do care. I am also an underweight librarian with an eating disorder in my past. You are not alone. Let me know if you'd like to e-mail.
Laura
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I am definitely keeping you in my thoughts. Sometimes it really does seem unbearable. Lots of hugs coming your way!
This is why we're all here-to tell you that you aren't alone! Hang in there and come back and let it all out if you need to. big big hugs!!
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BETH
#207617 - 08/22/05 07:55 PM
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jen1013
Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe
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I am so sorry. I have no specific advice to offer because we are at opposite ends of the spectrum, but I do have lots of sympathy and prayers and hugs for you. IBS is totally soul-sucking. Please don't let it get to you like this. Your life IS worth living. Things are rough now, but they WILL get better. There are a lot of people here who really care about you. You AREN'T alone.
One thing is imperative -- YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR. If necessary, start out with a new GP instead. Go find a female doctor -- they tend to be more sympathetic. This GI is a moron and a jerk, and you don't need to be helping him pay for his Jaguar payments.
IBS-C is a tough beast to tackle. Don't give up hope after 10 months. Don't give up hope, period. If you are feeling desperate, go to the ER.
We are all thinking of you. Please hang in there.
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jen
"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC
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Beth
#207618 - 08/22/05 07:56 PM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I am sorry you are struggling like you are. I don't have any answers for you, but I just wanted to say that so many of us have felt the same things you are feeling. It is so hard to live like this, especially when others seem to have no problem at all. It doesn't seem fair at all, does it?
I want you to know that you are not alone. I too am struggling with why my life is like this.
Beth, we are here for you---to listen and to pray for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please hang in there! We love having you on the boards. You have given so many others advice and counsel. Now it is time for us to give you a big hug.
(((((Big hug))))))))
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Hey Beth,
I don't pray, but I will keep you in my thoughts. I don't know why life gets so frustrating and is so unfair for people who don't deserve it. I do know that you are a very good person and stronger than you think.
We're all here when you need to talk.
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Beth:
I feel so badly for you. You live in more pain than joy, tormented by more than IBS! How I wish I could just hang out with you tonight, keep you company, distract you from LIFE as you experience it.
Just out of curiousity, have you tried the diet for Delayed Gastric Emptying? It is different from Heather's in a lot of ways. The residue is further reduced--IF is highly discouraged. It's high liquid/electrolyte. If you have delayed Gastric Emptying, all the SF in the world isn't going to do you any good--it will just make you feel uncomfortable and sick! IF will just give you cramps!
You should do some extensive research in that area and think about trying the recommendations!
I'm sorry. I know nothing. What can I say other than...when I feel beyond life itself I usually sleep it off. Sometimes I need a "Big Chill" weekend. It hurts to hear that you are in so much pain as you are such a sensitive and giving person. Your loneliness/aloneness is so sad.
I'm a former anorectic, too, incidentally--or at least in remission for years.
I hope you sleep well. Your first and foremost in my thoughts tonight.
Truly,
Kate.
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Oh, Beth. I'm so sorry you've been suffering so much, for so long. The only thing I can think of to say, is you know that you just have to keep on going. You've got to fight your way to wellness.
You have to keep searching for what will help you. Don't give up. If your present doctor isn't helping you, find another. Don't stop fighting for yourself.
You have no choice, but to keep going and keep trying. You have to get up and make a plan. Figure out your next move; anything that may be a stepping stone to your wellness. Out there somewhere, is your answer.
I'm sorry you don't have any family to help you, but you're not alone in this world. You have a lot of good friends on these boards. You have such big burdens to carry and God must believe you are very strong to be able to handle them.
You're in my prayers,
Terri
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Beth,
I'm so sorry that you're having such a rough time...you'll definately be in my prayers. You talk a lot about the anxiety, are you on any treatment for it? I only ask because I finally got a doctor willing to let me take anti-anxiety drugs on a regular basis (i.e. Ativan or Xanax) and it has helped my tummy out a lot. Certainly nowhere near perfect, but clearly anxiety is a bigger trigger for me than most foods are!
Anyways, I wish I had a cure-all or something really inspiring to say, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I'm thinking about you. Hang in there and keep us posted,
Kelly
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Oh...
#207650 - 08/22/05 09:26 PM
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Beth,
Just know you are not alone. We are all here for you. You can post whatever you're feeling and you don't have to regret a bit of it.
Hang in there! Things will improve in time.
Big hugs,
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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{{{hugs}}}
Honey, are you on any a-d's atm? If not I think you should consider them - they really helped me cope day-to-day when my IBS was REALLY bad...and they help me cope now with the fibro crap.
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Oh Bethie. I am sorry things have been so rough for you over the past 10 months. I really do not know what to say I think it may be wise to see a therapist just to have someone to talk to. Or if not a therapist then maybe a priest or member of the clergy. I know what it is like to feel like you are feeling right now. At this same time last year I had horrible cramping and D just about every other day. What a nightmare! Just have faith Beth and keep trying to find an answer. In the meantime, keep talking to us here, ok? I will be praying for you.
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...that you'll find the strength to deal with this, because you HAVE that strength... I know you do.
*hugs*
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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GET ANOTHER DOCTOR ... this one is an a$$hole.
If you are desparate go to the ER. At least you won't be home alone there. I ended up running away to my brother's house because I was having severe panic attacks. (not related to IBS)I was so afraid to be alone I almost called my 80 yr. old uncle to see if I could sleep on his couch one night. We ALL have been through something, and there is GOOD help out there. You just have to be lucky enough to find it. My first try was a disaster. They finally got pissed with me and sent me to another hosp. They were great there and helped me a lot. Keep trying and remember we are all here for you.
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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Aww, sweetheart. To see such a wonderful person suffering so much breaks my heart. I don't know what we'd do without you. So remember that you are loved AND needed on this board. Keep that in mind when the pain or the depression gets too bad. I wish I could make the pain go away. One thing I know for sure, you should try to look for another job. Something better has to be out there. Try focussing on that. Maybe it will help.
You'll be in my prayers.
Love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Beth,
I was very sad when I read your post. Please don't give up.
I can't even imagine what you are going through but it must be horrible. There has to be an answer out there for you.
I agree with Tommy. Could you seek help from clergy? Also, I do think you should try a different doctor. This one doesn't seem to be helping at all. Have you tried Xanax for the anxiety? It has helped my Sister tremendously to cope with all her problems.
I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.
Hugs
Barbie
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BIG HUGS!!
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. You are such a kind hearted person, you truely don't deserve to be this miserable. First of all, as everyone else has said, you are not alone. We are here for you. If you even want to talk on the phone, email me and I'll give you my phone number.
Second of all, you must find a new dr. I know you don't have insurance but this dr is not helping you at all. Can you apply for medical assistance through your state? Have you talked to a social worker? They may be able to get you some financial assistance for your medical bills or even put you in touch with a free counsler, like a therapist. I've been seeing a "shrink" for almost 2 years and it has helped me greatly.
I don't understand why your pain is so great and constant. I really think you have something else beside IBS going on. I think if you were on a low dose of Xanax or Adivan it would help you with the anxiety and in turn with the pain. These are both very inexpensive prescriptions and can help a lot. I also get terrible pain "attacks" from my IBS but they have never really lasted more than a few months at a time. You really need to see a different dr. I wished you lived closer, I'd have you see my dr, she is really great.
I know right now everything seems so hopeless but hang in there. Your life won't be like this forever. I understand the despair, the feelings of just wanting to go to sleep and never wake up, I've been there. I really think a mild anti-anxiety medication and some counseling will help, please look into it. Lots of love and super-duper big hugs!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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Ok Beth, good thoughts are coming your way! Full speed ahead.
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You're in my thoughts, Beth dear. And I agree with several other people here that you need to try to find a new doctor.
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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Beth,
I know you don't know me well, but I just wanted to send you a note to tell you that I understand what you're feeling and that I'm so very sorry. I know those feelings of frustration and desperation. Other people have suggested seeing a doctor about anti-depressant medication, and I would agree. It took me a long time to muster the courage to talk to my doctor about it or even accept that I needed them, but once I did make the decision, it made all the difference in the world. I've been on them for about six months now, and I've noticed big changes in not only my IBS symptoms but also my overall mood. They do help. Seek a doctor that you trust and who will listen.
You are not alone and you can fight this.
Best wishes,
Kristine
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beth I agree with what everyone else out there said about finding new doctors.
Is it at all possible for you to search for a new job. I know that you love working in a library, but you have a college education and are making very little. Maybe you could find another job that pays well and go back to the library once you are more financially stable.
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Beth,
Please call a crisis hlpline if this is how you are feeling. If you are not on meds for anxiety, please consider them.
We love you! I couldn't handle all you go through either!
Do you live in the US? If so, can I e-mail you my number...that way you always have someone to call who cares *hugs*
Love, Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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We haven't heard from you lately. Are you feeling any better? How is it going with the Tegretol? With therapy? I hope you are doing better.
I've missed you---and I know others have too! Please come back and visit with us.
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Beth, sweetie.
I have been so busy I haven't really been around the boards. I am so so sorry you are so down. I completely understand why you are feeling that way, it happens to tbe best of us, we can't put pressure on ourselves to be strong all the time dealing with the endless suffering. I just hope after a good downer you will bounce back.
I have said this to you before, I know it may seem like a hassle, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find a different gastro doc for yourself. This guy sounds like such a complete utter dickhead...I want to CRY when I hear how he treats you with such indifference and disdain...you KNOW you deserve more then this. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. You deserve the power of a good caring doctor. To have a good caring doctor take care of you is like being touched by God. Even if they can't cure us...we know we have someone on our team. You deserve it. Please...you have to help yourself.
It doesn't matter that the other Dr has your notes..he obviously takes no interest in you as a medical case...any other Dr can easily pick up where he left off. Please Beth...please, find a new Dr.
I really hope you are ok.
Thinking of you, Dalia XXX
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Post deleted by Shelby Jean
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I'm only seeing this now too Beth, hope your spirits have lifted today.
S
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S.
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Poor you!
#207932 - 08/23/05 04:33 PM
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RachelT
Reged: 07/01/04
Posts: 2350
Loc: Minnesota
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You are always so so supportive of me and my ailments Beth! I don't really have any encouraging words, but I do hope you're in better spirits today. HUGS!
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~ Rachel (IBS-C)
If life hands you lemons, make lemonade!!
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Oh Augie!
#207937 - 08/23/05 04:56 PM
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Tissy
Reged: 07/15/04
Posts: 773
Loc: Baltimore, MD
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I will pray for you to have the strength you need to carry on. I know how you feel honey! Sometimes it seems it would be easier to just let go and stop struggling. But think of all the people you would effect, just on this site alone.
I just came out of a month and a half fibro flare that was the worst I have had to date. And I thought the pain would never end but I knew it could only go on for so long, there was an end in sight. And I think there is an end to your pain in sight and a better quality of life possible for you with proper medical attention. I think you should switch doctors, from what you have said you actually have tests that are coming back abnormal so there has to be a cause for this. And it is just irresponsible of your doctor to just tell you to do whatever you want.
And I sometimes get overwhelmed with the fibro pain and all the things I have running through my head that I need to accomplish. So when this happens I sit down and write myself a list of every little thing I can think of that I need to do. And then I take great pleasure in being able to cross off even the tiniest of task. I feel that even though I am in pain and feel useless I have actually succeded in accomplishing something. I have come to realize I can't be superwoman and do it all, sometimes the house just has to look like a pig sty and that is okay. My health is more important. Your health is more important.
If you need support or someone to talk to I will be happy to give you my e-mail address. I am praying for you and sending massive hugs your way. You are such a wonderful person to have on these boards.
Christie
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Christie
~Hoping and Praying for Sleep!~
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I am glad that you posted your message! In times like this you need the support of friends....hang in there....everyone goes through these trying times in their lives. It will get better...
I hope that tomorrow you wake up feeling more positive and confident that you can beat these sad and painful feelings.
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PLease write beth and let us know how you are...
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Please let someone know how you are doing ok? We are worried about you!
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Beth
#207999 - 08/24/05 05:51 AM
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heather7476
Reged: 08/09/04
Posts: 2996
Loc: South East Michigan
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I realy hope your feeling better! I am so sorry to hear how down you are. Please let us know that you are ok. i will keep you in my prayers!
HUGS!!
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Heather7476
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please continue to pray. Beth says her pain and discomfort is constant and we all know how depressing that can be! I will keep you posted.
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Have a blessed day!...Rachel
stable and sooooooo thankful!
I have IBS but it doesn't have me!
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