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I feel like I'm drowning...
      #206633 - 08/18/05 08:31 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Hey Guys,

Could totally use some help here. As some of you know, I'm off on a disability leave right now because of mental illness...nothing really serious, primarily Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder. Anyways, without having work to keep me busy, I've been finding myself sorta wondering a lot about my life. I don't like my job...it's a good stop-gap measure, pays reasonably well and there are nice people, but it's not what I want to do with my life. I'm pursuing a University degree very slowly, but I'm not even sure if what I'm doing there is what I want to do with my life.

Anyways, I've been having these mini-breakdowns lately...crying and stuff and it always makes me feel like "what am I doing with my life." It could just be because I do so little right now, but that's only because my anxiety has gotten to the point where it's getting hard to leave the house.

I always wanted to be a writer, but abandoned that idea because I considered it "unrealistic"...similar to people who want to be singers or actors. However, I'm starting to wonder if it really is unrealistic. I've got the discipline, I could totally use a way to make money that I could do from home, and I used to be quite good at it. English was always my best subject, I won many writing awards throughout highschool and my teachers were always telling me to stick with it and try and hone my skills.

But really, I don't know if I could deal with the rejection that could potentially come with trying to do something like write. And, even if I got something written, I wouldn't even know where to begin to get it published...no clue

Anyways, can someone offer some nice words of wisdom or something? I'm sick of crying and feeling so useless all the time.

Thanks,
Kelly

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206645 - 08/18/05 10:22 PM
paintlady

Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 95
Loc: Columbia, CA

Kelly,
Do you like to journal?
It's how I voice my probs, worries, ideas and get a second look at past experiences. Journaling also a chance to figure things out and get through my down days.
Lots of writers journal daily.

I'm so sorry your having such a rough time.
Hang in there.
Paintlady



Edited by paintlady (08/18/05 10:40 PM)

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206737 - 08/19/05 09:25 AM
Sara-Sage

Reged: 02/04/04
Posts: 5508


Kelly! You're only 22, I don't think you're supposed to know what you want at that age. I'm sure that doesn't help though.

What are your passions in life? What are you good at?

I meditate and that helps me stay centered. I also do yoga. have you considered either of those options to help with your anxiety and to give you some clarity?

Big hugs.

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206739 - 08/19/05 09:35 AM
Portageegal

Reged: 06/28/05
Posts: 940
Loc: Massachusetts

If you can write, then write. It won't support you unless you are super lucky and prolific, but if it's in you, do it. My brother Frank is a teacher at Long Beach City College and is working on his fifth book. Frank X. Gaspar is his name. He has gotten all kinds of awards etc. I even took the picture used on the fly leaf of his novel. I digress ...
Even if you just write for yourself for now you will get so much out of it. Maybe you can start by getting some stuff in local magazines.

--------------------
Carol

nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206757 - 08/19/05 10:41 AM
michele

Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan

I'm so sorry your having such a bad time of it right now. But I agree, you're still young and its ok you don't know what you want to do. Maybe you could use some of this down time right now to contact a publisher or someone who knows about writing and get some ideas on how things work. I think BL here has done some writing for papers and such, maybe she could help a little more.

Your a great person and will get through this. Hang in there. Lots of love and big hugs!

--------------------
Taking it one day at a time.....

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206789 - 08/19/05 12:51 PM
Yoda (formerly Hans)

Reged: 01/22/03
Posts: 3682
Loc: Canada

Hey, kiddo. There's lots of jobs in writing - especially when you consider newspapers and magazines. If you're good at it and you like it, pursue it. Be confident - sounds like you're won serious awards for this so go for it! It sounds like your GAD is talking with all the crying etc.

--------------------
Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... *DELETED* new
      #206883 - 08/19/05 08:42 PM
Jeano

Reged: 03/20/04
Posts: 1392
Loc: USA

Post deleted by Jeano

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Kelly new
      #206892 - 08/19/05 11:18 PM
Stephie

Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada

Hi Kelly,

I am sorry to hear that you are still going through such a rough patch in your life right now. Try to keep in mind that it is only temporary, and you WILL figure it out.. it just might take some time!
You and I are the same age, so I know how you are feeling when you don't know what you want to do and feel like you should but I agree with what some of the others said too, it is still pretty young and you don't HAVE to have everything figured out yet.
I don't know if you are the same as me, but I do find that when I have so much time off I can get myself feeling worse. I used to try and find myself routine every day.. Like, I will always get up no later than suchandsuch a time, I will then go for a walk, I will then go to the library, or drugstore, or somewhere. I will buy only enough groceries for today, so I need to go out again tomorrow.. that sort of thing. It helped me feel like I was still doing something every day, even if they were only small things.
As for pursuing your Uni degree, how are you doing that? And in what? I ask because I know that there are SO MANY courses that you can do online now that you could study from home pretty easily. Even the really good Universities here have loads of distance classes.
Are you taking writing in school? My best friend just graduated from University with a double major in History and Creative Writing and she just finished writing a novel. She is an AMAZING writer, really exceptional.. and she is having trouble getting it the attention it deserves. If you do have something you want published, let me know if you have any questions 'cause I know some stuff about it now since she has gone through this.
But like the others say, it is hard. It's something that you usually have to do as a hobby more than a job at first. You should totally do it if you want to give it a try, it's not impossible or anything but you do need to make sure that you have other support, you know? As for rejection, there is no way to avoid that.. Even if you write something brilliant, somebody won't like it.. even if a hundred people love it. Especially when you start out, that IS something you need to be prepared for.. but it doesn't mean anything.
I loved taking Creative Writing courses at college, I thought they were just great. Lots of interacting with other people in a really cool way, really interesting people.. I'd totally recommend taking those part-time courses if they are available.. and if you haven't already!

Have you thought about getting a less stressful job? I know you aren't working right now, but if you do need to go back... what about something that is dealing less with irate people and doesn't agrivate your anxiety conditions?

Good luck, Kelly, we're all here for you!!
**hugs**
--Steph

--------------------
~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206909 - 08/20/05 12:44 AM
Linz

Reged: 09/01/03
Posts: 8242
Loc: England

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Sweetie, when you're feeling a bit stronger, you'll realise that of course you can do this if you want to. There are books in the library on how to start, etc so why not check one out soon?

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Re: I feel like I'm drowning... new
      #206948 - 08/20/05 09:18 AM
jen1013

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe

Kelly, the others have some great advice -- I especially agree that you need to keep busy! Free time is lovely but too much of it is a little self-destructive.

I have known all my life that what I want to do with my life is write. Period. I have never wavered from this conviction. Unfortunately, it's tough to support yourself this way. This depends on what kind of writing you want to to do -- "write" is a little vague. Journalism or technical writing is probably your best shot at being able to actually feed yourself coming out of the gate. Most novelists/poets do not make enough money to support themselves. And unfortunately, I am a novelist! The John Grishams and J.K. Rowlings of the world are rare. If you write romance novels, I think the average Harlequin pays somewhere between $3,000-$5,000. After taxes that's nothing. And if you can only write/publish three of them a year -- yup, that means you're broke.

So, I developed my plan when I was 10 or so. I have always been super-organized and a terrific typist, so I decided to become a secretary or some other kind of boring office job where I'd make enough to get by that would leave me with most of my time and mental energies free to pursue my writing. Unfortunately, I didn't stick to my plan. When I got older, I became more and more involved with computers and ended up getting a two-year degree in networking, which has led to work in the field. I really enjoy my job, plus it's very lucrative for someone my age -- but I work a lot of hours and it is very creative, challenging work that leaves me mentally drained when I do get home. So, my writing has really suffered.

If you do want to write, there is nothing that'll stop you -- you don't need any special equipment or investments, you just need to sit there and do it! But, as the old adage goes -- don't quit your day job. It's tough to make a living at writing, and if you quit your job in anticipation of doing so, you will probably just get ultra-stressed, and trust me, stress is not conducive to writing.

If I were in your position -- I'd accelerate your work on the university degree and start taking more writing classes. See if you can get by working part-time. Borrow money if you have to -- don't be afraid of student loans, in the US pretty much everyone has them these days. Slant your degree to something you can fall back on or that would be useful. There are a lot of would-be writers out there teaching English. Technical writing is also good even if you're more interested in writing short stories.

And remember that writing is an art, and like any art, you don't have to get paid for it to enjoy it. If I never get published, I'm OK with that -- I have spent so many lovely hours immersed in my own worlds (which actually makes me sound like I'm ready for a straitjacket, but never mind that) that the non-monetary rewards are enough. However, monetary rewards are always certainly appreciated.

Being a writer can be really discouraging -- yes, you will get rejected. It's inevitable. No matter how good you are, not everyone will think you're great. The good part is that usually the more you get rejected, the more you get used to it. You'll probably cry the first time, but it gets easier. It also takes a lot of time to become a good writer. I can't remember who said this, but he was giving advice to writers and he said something like, "Write something. Then throw it away." Someone else also said that on average your first three novels will never be worth printing.

Obviously you've got the one basic prequisite for this -- talent! You wouldn't have gotten awards if your writing stunk. So you CAN do this. It's just a matter of figuring out a plan to decide how you want to go about it.

And if the writing thing is just an idea and you still waver about it, go talk to a guidance counselor. They are trained to help people exactly in your situation. If you meet one and don't like him/her, go to another one. As in any profession, there are some that are real jerks that'll just make you feel worse. Go take some of those personality tests that are supposed to help decide what you want to do. I think they're mostly a load of nonsense, but they can jog you into thinking about things you hadn't considered before. You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last to have this dilemma, so there are all kind of resources out there.

Please keep us all updated.

--------------------
jen

"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC

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..... From an Old Broad....... new
      #206982 - 08/20/05 01:28 PM
Bevvy

Reged: 11/04/03
Posts: 5918
Loc: Northwest Washington State

Hi there, Girlfriend!

I think your career goal boils down to what you need in the present, versus what you want in the future. ....... Did that make sense?

In other words, if you need financial stability right now, then I'd recommend sticking with the job, working hard, and waiting for that promised promotion. They like you there and they've told you you're up for the promotion.

That being said, it doesn't mean you have to give up the writing ambition. You can write in your spare time, when you're not at work, and I believe the writing will get your mind off the depression and onto something you enjoy -- and something you do well.

Kelly, I understand how you feel about working at a job you do not like. Before I took the my last job, I had been having a very difficult time finding a job at all, experiencing a lot of prejudice because of my age (believe it or not, I was only 55). I ended up accepting a job that was really beneath me. I hated it, but because I had no choice, I decided to become the BEST at it, to really shine, to show my employer that I was the best employee he had and that he should promote me.

It worked. It all worked to MY benefit. I enjoyed the challenge of proving to myself I could be THE BEST. When I left that company and retired, my boss -- an attorney -- gave me a letter of recommendation like you would not believe; I cried when I read it. Part of it read, "She saved my A$$ on many occasions....."

Nice way to end my working career, wouldn'tcha say?

Kelly, try to think of how you can turn that job around to make YOU feel good about YOU. I know you can do it. (And get out that writing tablet on your off hours!)

Your friend,
Bevvy

--------------------
<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy


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Steph new
      #207013 - 08/20/05 03:40 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Thanks for your reply. I know that we're considered "young" but don't you sometimes wish you were already settled in with what you want to do? I think a lot of my problem is that I grew up in a really affluent neighborhood and all my friends were rich, so they've all been able to go on to complete their University degrees and either have jobs in their field or are still continuing on with masters and PhD programs...and I feel like I'm fledling in comparison

I definately do try and keep busy and get out of the house...I'm very similar to you, I go to the grocery store almost every day and my cardio is always outside so at least it gets me going somewhere.

As for University, I'm doing it through Athabasca, the all-correspondence University and I'm taking a bachelor of administration degree with a focus in health administration. I think it's something I would like to do...I chose it because it is in a health-related field which I find really interesting but I know I couldn't be a nurse or a doctor, plus, because it's a business degree if I want to do something else they're a pretty flexible degree to have (even if I wanted to move up in the ranks at the bank I currently work at).

As for the creative writing classes, nope, not taking any of those. I don't even think I can count them towards my degree, all the writing classes are business writing and things like that. I have taken a lot of creative writing classes before though...now I just want to write!

As for my job, I'm definately going to be looking for something else. Because my anxiety issues are so severe, my psychiatrist has recommended to my employer that when I do go back they place me in a different position, one with "less interaction with the public and more administrative type work." Generally, my company will honor that so I should have a slightly more mundane, but less stressful job. If they're not willing to do that then I will probably start looking elsewhere.

Kelly

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Jen new
      #207014 - 08/20/05 03:43 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Thanks for all your helpful info It's nice to hear from someone who is a writer as well I sorta work part-time right now, I work 30hours a week but I'd like to work less, but financially it's not feasible right now. I'm doing my school work as fast as possible but it's kinda on hiatus right now as well. Basically, I'm on a mental health leave from work and they're paying me disability benefits, so I'm afraid to continue with my studies while I'm off because that might not look "right." I don't want them to think I don't have anxiety and other issues because I can do well in school but can't work y'know?

I would never quit my job to write, it's just starting to look like I may be off for awhile so I figured it'd be a great time to get started. And hey, if I make some money off it great! If not, at least it'll keep my mind occupied.

I was really surprised to hear how little a harlequin type novel makes...how do you know that? Do you have any other info like that (or a website that gives an idea of how authors get paid)?

Thanks!
Kelly

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Not to worry Bev... new
      #207015 - 08/20/05 03:45 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

I'm definately not thinking of quitting my job to write! I didn't mean to make it sound like that. It's just that I spoke with the disability case manager the other day and it sounds like I may be off a bit longer than I thought so I thought now might be a good time to start writing, something productive to keep me busy basically

I'll definately stick with the job for right now, and see how the writing goes as more of a hobby

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Thanks Linz new
      #207016 - 08/20/05 03:46 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Thanks Linz,

Actually, after the mentioned the library thing I took a look at some of my cities local services and programs, and there is actually a four week course of getting started, how to find freelance work, get a book published etc. So that sounded promising! It costs money (of course) so I'll have to wait until the next one most likely since money is pretty tight right now, but it's nice to know something like that is out there.

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Thanks Shelby new
      #207018 - 08/20/05 03:47 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

I have been keeping my eyes open for other jobs, but I really like the company I work for (I get great benefits) I just don't like my particular position. So I'll likely wait till I go back and then start applying for other positions within the company...hopefully I'll get lucky

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Alicia new
      #207019 - 08/20/05 03:49 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Thanks for the encouragement. Unfortunately, I don't know the first thing about freelance writing...the closest I've come is a letter I got published in the letter to the editor section of the newspaper! And they don't pay for that

Do you really think it could be the GAD causing the crying? It's so freakin' bizarre...I can't even watch my Sex and the City DVDs (normally my saving grace when I need cheering up) without bawling over something

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Portageegal new
      #207020 - 08/20/05 03:50 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

That's great about your brother! How exciting he gets to be successful at something like that Can I ask you something? I assume he writes novels? Do you know how he gets paid for something like that? For example, is it just a flat fee for the book or does he get a percentage of royalties? I'm always curious as to how this kind of stuff works

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Tina new
      #207021 - 08/20/05 03:53 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

You know what? I try to meditate but my anxiety is so out of control right now I totally suck at it Seems to make things worse..can't stand trying to be quiet and still. My walking/running really helps because it's some quiet time to myself, but that's about it.

I know I'm only 22, but I just really feel like I should already be doing what I want to do. If you read my response to Steph's post, a lot of this comes from where my friends are (getting married, buying houses, having "real" careers). Thing is, I don't know what my passions are. I used to, but the depression and now the anxiety, I feel like my head is just full of cobwebs. It's very difficult sometimes. I love movies, have a real passion for them...and so does my bf...he's always saying he'd love to open his own movie store, like on a college campus or something, but I wouldn't have a clue how to do something like that!

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Thanks Michele new
      #207022 - 08/20/05 03:54 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Thanks Michele, I appreciate it I know I'm young...I'll just have to keep reminding myself of that because I feel SO old most of the time. Don't know why, but I really do. And because everyone on my Mom's side of the family died reasonably young (before middle-age at least) I feel like I've got this extra pressure to get cracking.

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Journaling new
      #207023 - 08/20/05 03:55 PM
Vicam

Reged: 02/24/04
Posts: 1955
Loc: Ontario, Canada

Actually, I haven't really found that I enjoy journalling. It's something I thought I would like and be good at, but it really hasn't done much for me. I may give it another go though

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Re: Portageegal new
      #207032 - 08/20/05 04:10 PM
Portageegal

Reged: 06/28/05
Posts: 940
Loc: Massachusetts

To tell the truth I don't know anything about how he gets paid. He lives on the other side of the country.
I didn't meet Frank as a brother until 10 years ago. He and I went to the same schools growing up (tiny town) and I knew he looked like my father, but I wasn't old enough to know why. By the time I was old enough I didn't know what to say and then he was gone ... off to college, the Navy etc. I finally found him when I read about a book of his being published. I found him through the publisher.
I think he has five poetry books and one novel. I know he is working on another novel and almost done, but I don't know what it is about. He doesn't say much about it.

--------------------
Carol

nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda

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writing and money new
      #207063 - 08/20/05 05:40 PM
jen1013

Reged: 05/06/05
Posts: 1322
Loc: the wabe

Hey Kelly ... here's a Google page with a bit about romance novels. The figure they mention is even lower than what I remember! I did a lot of research on this a couple years back, so I was probably thinking of the "thick" romance novels and not the Harlequins.

Read through everything on Holly Lisle's site. She has some great info. Warning, it may leave you really discouraged if you don't know a lot of this already.

I also read a lot of the Writer's Digest stuff. They come out with several guides to markets each year. These are essential for any writer. The library always has their books -- go check out some of their stuff.

That's a good starting point. I wouldn't do much more research at this point about marketing and advances and agents right now ... I'd just write, and if you happen to end up with something you think you can sell, at that point you can delve more into the technical details.

--------------------
jen

"It's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen to one in a battle -- to get one's head cut off." -- LC

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