How do you know when it's time to check yourself in?
#203459 - 08/07/05 11:49 PM
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This rapid cycling is driving me nuts!
I spoke to my psych FINALLY Fri. afternoon (she was back Tues and never called me back!) not too long before Shabbos. I am on the lamictal daily now and she gave me clonopin for my severe anxiety.
Honestly...I am just swinging from the tree tops and crawling on the floor...sometimes at the same time!
Psychiatrists don't exaplain multiopolar, to use the term Julie Fast uses in her books. I am trying to learn about it...but it is SO overwhelming. My therapist is out of town for a week. I just don't even know what I have exactly! And trying to learn and do research when yo feel this way is pretty tough...it doesn't stop me from trying...but I'm not having great success.
And hubby can't really hear too much more about it all the time. He loves me more than anything...but he's human and has a job and such. We decided to try 15 minutes a night on Julie's book.
But I am just sooooo high and low and agitated and over-productive to underproductive to crying to laughing to sometimes both....ahhhhhhh!
Those of you with bipolar, how do you live like with this? Do I NEED to go to a hospital? How do I know when it's that bad? Often the feelings pass. I say I need to go and then
I get ready to call--I talk to hubby, look into the hospital and within a half hour or so...the feelings go away. I'm guessing this is normal? BUT how do I know when to get help? Is there a number of suicidal thought or feelings that warrant going to the hospital per day? What exactly is a psych ward for? How bad do you have to feel to need to go? I feel REALLY bad most of the time. Do I wait for the meds to kick in or will being in a safe place be more helpful somehow?
I KNOW this is not what this forum is for. I am STILL (thank you for the links Kelly!) having a hard time joining an on-line bipolar support group. Part of me feels like I need to check in to get my bearings straight. That is is just too overwhelming and an unfair burden to hubby. Not ME but the bipolar itself. I just feel lost and I know I need help! The lamictal hasn't kicked in yet...and the clonopin helps but the psych said it would make me feel calm in 30 mins or so and it's not THAT GOOD  It helps...but it's not sedating.
I just want to know who I am. I don't know who I will be five minutes from now. Like Jekyll and Hyde...only without the formula!
Please send any advice. This way of life is too hard...to painful...and it does seem to be getting worse over the past few months. I def. feel dealing with the abuse issues is triggering it and making worse...but this illness DOES stand on its own as well...
I'm not suicidal at the moment. But I've felt that way tonight. Yesterday. The day before. And then it passes. I am in such a rapid cycle right now--within hours I go from being suicidal to high as a kite and full of ideas and enthusiasm only to crash and burn. And the cycle just repeats itself. Anf the highs are NOT fun! Maniacal laughter with tears mixed in one! I felt so out of control tonight. Like I needed to wake hubby. (It's 12:00am here. He ended up coming home from camping because of a severe thunderstorm...I think it was a monsoon!!!) But I told myself G-d loves me and that got me through somehow...I sang to myself and made myself do dishes...but sometimes I can't win y'know! Sometimes it is too powerful...
I just feel like I am constantly struggling and fighting to survive and to stay afloat. Will I ever LIVE?
Thanks for your support....I love you *hugs*
P.S. I should have the Urine culture results tom...I'll let you know asap
Love, Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ruchie
#203464 - 08/08/05 12:17 AM
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Stephie
Reged: 03/10/04
Posts: 2696
Loc: Vancouver, Canada
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Hi Ruchie,
I am so very sorry you are going through this right now.
I am not an expert, but if you want only my opinion I would say that you should be getting a lot more professional help than you are right now. If that means checking yourself in, than so be it.
If you are feeling suicidal every day, and dealing with the major list of problems you talk about here on the boards than I have no doubt that you need to be being treated by someone.
Someone who preferably doesn't seem to be unavailable whenever you are having problems especially...
I think that you would be best to find a proper support group for the other issues in your life, because that is where you will find the people who will have a lot more relevant experiences and suggestions than you'll find here. And I think it about a lot more than online support groups. I can't help but think that you might benefit so much more from _real_ (ie. person to person) support groups.
Either way, I think that you definitely need to get some help from someone who isn't seeming out of town all the time, or unavailable to help... therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, you should be able to find some who will actually be able to be there to support you.
Good luck, Ruchie!
--Steph
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~~I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell-I know right now you can't tell~~Matchbox 20
IBS-D,pain.
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I don't have a whole lot of advice but I DO think that you need more support than you are getting at the moment. Especially during this adjusting period until the meds work and you have a better understanding of what is going on with you. I think if you are feeling this fragile right now that it is probably a good idea to go to the hospital, don't try and deal with all this all by yourself, it's just way too much for a person to handle. (((HUGS))) good luck and I hope you are feeling a bit better soon.
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Amy
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I had absolutely no support from my family (well, I did from my brother till his wife stopped him) so I called 911 and checked myself into the local ER. I had to exagerate a little by saying I was having suicidal thoughts so they HAD to, by law, get me into a psych hospital. It was the best thing I ever did. I was with people who were way worse than me, but it was such a good experience. I learned so much. Some was pretty dorky (crafts etc.), but there was a lot of group therapy things and talking out loud to other people was really good.You really sound like you need to be in a place where they can see for themselves what you are going through. And if they give you meds you don't have to be afraid of them because there is always someone there to help you.
Good luck my new friend,
Carol
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Carol
nós somos o que nós somos e o descanso é merda
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You know it's time to check yourself in, when you can no longer trust yourself to control the actions of your hands...when the mind's instructions to do harm to the physical are too intense or too overwhelming.
Do you need a "vacation" where you can just surrender responsiblity and be taken care of while the meds. take impact. Are you going to kill yourself, or harm yourself/someone else?
I know this is neither your desire, nor your intent.
How high/low are you swinging?
I question re: the quality of your help. I question whether or not you are getting enough attention. Do you need a "babysitter"/monitor for awhile to FEEL SAFE?
How safe do you feel with just yourself around?
IT TAKES TIME. Honestly...when I say it takes time, I mean a good 4-6 weeks.
We all love you and only want the best for you.
Try not to expect too much of yourself, now. Can you just creatively wait it out? Distract yourself with activities?
Keep communicating, dear Ruchie. Don't be afraid to take "a little mental health vacation" (i.e. check in somewhere for a little while). Your poor body/psyche are so monolithically overwhelmed and your world view is inside out and upside down.
A trillion velvety pink hugs, to you.
Kate.
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Ruchie
#203474 - 08/08/05 05:40 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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I'm sorry you feel like you're having to go through this alone. You shouldn't have to. Your psychiatrist (or her staff) should be more help to you during this difficult time. I don't understand why they are not returning your phone calls. This is unacceptable!
Since your therapist is out of town, I would call the doctor's office and demand to either talk to (or see) the doctor or nurse. Tell them it's an emergency! Explain to them exactly what you said to us---that you are experiencing rapid cycling and that suicidal thoughts are coming and going! Tell them you feel like you must see or talk to them----or you're going to the ER.
They can work you in (for an appointment)---or at least call you. Do not take NO for an answer.
You did a beautiful job of expressing to us how you are feeling. I'm wondering if you are this open with the doctor's office. She cannot help you if you don't give her enough information. Please promise me that you will explain to her IN DETAIL exactly what's going on, so you can get the help you need.
I don't know how to answer the question of whether or not you should go to the hospital. That will be up to you. If you feel you cannot stay at the house by yourself, if you feel you cannot go on alone, or if you feel you want to take your own life, those are warning signs!
I'm hoping Alicia will answer you soon. She may have more insight into this than I do. I've only gone to the hospital once---and I didn't even have the physical strength to drive myself there. A wonderful neighbor and friend insisted, took me, and I am thankful for that. (I was not admitted. Just given an evaluation and an appointment to see a doctor the following day.)
Hang in there! You will get better! You just need some assistance to get you through this difficult period.
Are you taking the Klonopin? It doesn't make me sleepy, but it does calm me in times of extreme stress.
Let us know what the doctor's office says. Be firm!!! Tell them it's an emergency and you must speak to or see someone today. If your doctor's not available, if there are multiple doctors in this practice, maybe they can get you into see someone else???
(((HUGS))))
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Re: Ruchie
#203486 - 08/08/05 08:06 AM
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michele
Reged: 06/02/03
Posts: 6886
Loc: southeastern michigan
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I also agree that you are not getting enough monitering or help from you dr's at this time. Are you being as open with them as you are with us? Maybe you should print out your post and take that to the dr's office, today. You did a very good job of explaining it to us. I do not know if you need to be in the hospital or not but I think its most definitely a question to ask a professional.
If you feel you can not trust yourself to be alone right now than yes, you need to go to the hospital. If your dr won't see you TODAY then maybe you should go to the hospital. You deserve better care than what you are getting and if it takes going to the hospital to get it, than do it.
Just know that you are never alone. You have lots of friends here who love you and care about you. Do you have a local sucide prevention phone number handy in case of emergencies? Big, big hugs honey!! You will get through this and you will feel better!!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I agree with Beaglelover. She gave you EXCELLENT advice. INSIST on seeing a Doctor TODAY. Explain what you did to us to a nurse. The suicidal thoughts are a red flag, honey. Even if they come and go, you're rapid cycling. Plus, it sounds like your OCD is acting up, too. I want to hear from you later today. Post here or e-mail me. I think it might be time to go check in, hon. But only you can make that decision - we can't make it for you. You have to do what you feel is right. And if you decide to go, it'll be one of the hardest decisions you've ever had to make.
NOTE: Just because you go to the hospital does not automatically mean you'll be checked in. You could just get an immediate consultation and if they feel you're OK at home, they'll send you home. They'll help you make that decision based on their professional judgement.
They'll ask you about the suicidal thoughts - are they fleeting or are they in such detail that you have a plan? You can't be going from a kite to suicidal. It's not healthy. Another red flag. We just want you healthy and safe.
I love you,
Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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<img src="http://home.comcast.net/~letsrow/smily3481.gif">Bevvy
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Ruchie,
I have nothing new to add to what has already been said. I agree that talking to a doctor TODAY is an absolute necessity.
With the proper medical support, you are absolutely going to get through this. I am so grateful that you have a couple of veterans here on the boards who have been through some of this before and have some knowledge about it!
Big hugs, Ruchie! We're all here for you!
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Christine
Those who can do; those who want it done better teach.
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Update
#203634 - 08/08/05 01:58 PM
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Hubb y is staying home with me today. I am going to talk to my Rabbi. I am looking into hospitals. I spoke to the pharmacist who said lamictal could be making my anxiety and rapid cycling worse...this happens to less than 1% of patients on the med...but he said it could def. be happening to me! I will give it till Thur. and then call my psych. to consider a different med.
I got tons of movies to watch from the library. I will prob take a nap soon and then call a friend on the boards who so graciously gave me their number.
I just don't know what a few hours from now will bring. It is scary. Living this rollercoaster is a nightmere and I want to get off! But I know now matter what...I will get the help I need one way or the other!
Love to all and thank you for the advice...
I'll kep you posted *hugs* Ruch
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Why are you waiting until Thursday to call the doctor? It could be the Lamictal making things worse, but I want to remind you that you had these same up's and down's BEFORE you started the medicine.
Is Lamitcal an antidepressant or a mood stabilizer? (Sometimes anti-depressants can cause mania or make it worse.)
Either way, I think the doctor needs to know how you are feeling. She is the only who can truly access what is going on. Everyone's body chemistry is different, so you cannot go by what a friend or coworker tells you happened to them when they took the same med.
It concerns me that you are waiting to call the doctor. What are you waiting for? For things to be in a crisis mode? Ruchie, this is what doctors are there for!
Is there a phone number you can call after office hours? Surely this doctor (or one of her coworkers) answers the phone after 5 for emergencies. Unfortunately, since doctors are usually with patients all day, sometimes this is the only time you can talk to one of them. I want to encourage you if you feel you are having this rapid cycling again, to call that number and let them know.
Although I'm very glad your husband stayed home with you today, I still think your doctor needs to know what is going on.
How long has it been since you saw the doctor? Several weeks or more?
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and left a message that it is urgent...hopefuly I'l here back today...gotta get off line so she can get through....thanks BL *hugs* Thank you my IBS family!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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I don't know how to help you with this. I can say though that my prayers will be for you tonight and hope that you work through this rough time.
Take care sweetie!
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~~~Lisa~~~
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Just read this now as I was off. How are you today? Better I hope!!!
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