A quick update with the bipolar stuff...
#202048 - 08/03/05 08:53 AM
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I had a great talk with hubby this weekend. I started using a journal- lots of people suggested my doing this. I gave it to hubby to read. It really helped get a good discussion going and a lot is resolved. I'm taking it a day at a time - it's been hard.
I had been carrying around a lot of guilt - that hubby and children didn't deserve me having this and they didn't deserve what the illness entails. I've let go of the guilt - it's not my fault no more than a diabetic can help having diabetes.
Tried on my bridesmaid dress yesterday. It is SNUUUUUUG around the bust and bodice. I need to stop eating for the next 11 days. (joking!) But after they got it pinned it looked OK. I'll post a post wedding pic as promised!!!
Thanks all for your support. I don't know what I'd do without my IBS family.
Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I'm glad you doing the writing and your realizing it is not your fault. I'm sure you will be a beautiful bridesmaid...and yes, please post the pics. {{hugs}}
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www.facebook.com/shell.marr
www.myspace.com/shellmarr
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Hey Alicia. It is great to see you back. I am glad you let go of your guilt. It is tough to do but you are right in letting it go. Please keep us updated on things and again, it is great to see you back!
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Keeping a diary was one of the best things I ever did in my most down time..it helped me so much through tears and happiness. I keep it in the bathroom and write in it esp when getting attacks etc....good luck with everything!!
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Feel the fear and do it anyway!
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Hi Alicia, nice to hear from you! I'm glad you had a talk with hubby and have started a journal. I'm sure this is very difficult for everyone close to you but guilt won't help anything, let it go. You are loved and we look forward to seeing the wedding pictures!
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Taking it one day at a time.....
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I'm so happy you feel like progress is taking place in this new phase of this journey we call life! The most amazing thing to me is your spirit...you reach out to others so much and in so many ways! You are a true inspiration to us all and we are so very proud of you!
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God is Faithful!
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Good to hear from you Alicia. I hope you are feeling much better on your new meds.
Guilt is a killer. Why don't you try considering this situation...what if it were DH or one of your children who was dealing with all this. I'm sure you wouldn't feel any differently...or fell any less fortunate for having them in your lives. You are a blessing to them, as they are to you. Try to have the same compassion for yourself, as you would for any of the loved ones that may have found themselves in the same situation.
lots of love 
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~ Beth
Constipation, pain prodominent,cramps, spasms and bloat!
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huge hugs Alicia, sorry that you are going through this.
hang in there
S
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S.
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Hey! GrEaT to see you back!!!!
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Alicia, I'm so glad you are feeling better! The new med must be working. (Can I ask what the doctor prescribed for you?)
As for the guilt thing, I went through that too. But this is nothing that you can help. You just have to accept that and move on. Your family needs you and loves you, no matter what.
Lately, I've been worried that my boys may develop this too. (they will both be off at college next year.) What if they get depressed or suicidal and don't reach out for help? I have talked to them about it, but I don't know that they understand how serious it can get so quickly. Ahhh! Something else for me to worry about.
We're just glad to have your smiling face back on the boards!
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Alicia, I'm SO prou of you *big huge hugs*
I'm glad you realize there is nothing to feel guilty about...you did nothing wrong at all *hugs*
I love you tons and I am SO proud of you!!!
Ruch 
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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*HUGS*
#202198 - 08/03/05 04:52 PM
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melitami
Reged: 02/23/04
Posts: 1213
Loc: Ewing, NJ, USA (IBS-D, Vegetarian)
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I understand about the guilt as well. I was just diagnosed with fibro, and feel incredibly guilty about my bf Mac having to deal with me. I'm slowly getting over it by asking for help more from him around the house and such, which he's more than happy to give, which makes me feel better and him feel better. Maybe a diary would be a good idea to help with it more. Thanks for the idea!
Definitely post pics of the bridesmaid dress! I'm sure you look gorgeous!
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Melissa
Friendship is thicker than blood. ~Rent
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I don't know what I'd do without you all. You are so supportive. (crying). You all mean so much to me and inspire me to go on in so many ways. You all are so strong, and such wonderful people. I love you all.
Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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You're just sooo sweet! Do you see how SPECIAL and PRECIOUS you are?
Thank you for being in our lives Alicia...and for your love, your kindness, your support, for leaning us when you need to...for sooo much...
Keep growing, you're doing AMAZING! I love you!!!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Don't worry about your sons. If they were bipolar, chances are they would have showed symptoms by now. If not, they know they are there for you in any way, and know the warning signs, as do you. Don't worry. It will be OK, either way. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I love you too. Wouldn't it be great if we could all meet each other so easily? I feel like I know so many of you.... it's really so funny - I feel as close to many of you as I do my closest friends. (crying AGAIN). All my love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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*crying* I just wish I could give you a great big *hug* Love you so much
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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The diary is a good thing - I'm not a journal person myself, but it really strengthened my relationship with my hubby because most of the times words are too painful to say, and it's easier to coherently (semi) to write than talk. Give it a try. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I'm currently on LUVOX (for the obsessive compulsive disorder) and EPAVIL(sp?) as the mood stabilizer for bipolar. They wanted to start me on the one that can cause a deadly rash, but I opted for the Epavil. It can cause weight gain as a side effect so we'll see. Hope all goes well.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Journal
#202222 - 08/03/05 05:45 PM
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What might a person with bipolar OR fibro for that matter, write in a journal? Can someone give me some ideas?
Thanks *hugs*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thanks, Beth. You're absolutely right. If the tables were turned, I wouldn't feel one iota different for my husband. I would love him just the same, and would do anything to help him through it. As I know he is willing to do for me. Thank you for reminding me what's important. I'm so happy to hear from you. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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It was the second hardest thing I've ever done (second to calling the crisis line leading to my admission to the hospital). Just try to write your feelings down. Especially when you're feeling overwhelmed. It will really help you put into perspective when those feelings are a product of bipolar, and when they are a reall feeling when you are stable. Just give it a try. You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Just write what you want to. No one has to see it but you. You don't have to share it unless you want to. Even a few sentences is a start. I'm no expert - God knows - I've even only tried it once, but lots of people have told me it's extremely beneficial. Love and hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I hope you plan to post a BILLION pictures of the wedding - we're sOOOOOOOOOOO excited for you!!!!!!!! I can't wait till your wedding day. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thank you so much. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Stable. Will I ever know what that means?
Alicia...you sound SO GOOD! You sound like you can set limits and boundaries. Like you are getting to know yourself in ways you never did...and liking it!
*crying* Will I ever have that? I feel so bad right now...like I'll never "get well". I'm in such a low...
Maybe I WILL journal. I've been a writer all my life. You know, you've seen my poetry. Maybe I should just write down how I feel, is that the idea? I'm not exactly sure what to write...sorry if that sounds stupid...but I'm just not sure I get it...
One thing I DO know...this is NOT real. It is an overwhelming sense of deep, deep darkness, blues, down-in-the-dumps...and nothing casued it. Well, I WAS high for days...so I guess I crashed?
Sorry for rambling...I guess I need to know I'm doing it right...or it's no good...
Ugh! 
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Thanks, Tommy. You and Tina mean a lot to me and your support means so much. Keep your love real. With that you can conquer anything - did I tell you that my husband and I had a long distance relationship both while dating and while married? I understand how you both feel. I wish you both all the best. Hugs, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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My dearest Rachel, you will FEEL that balance. It will happen for you. It just takes time. Try the journal. There are no rules. Take it any way you want to. There is NOTHING wrong with what you write - nothing whatsoever. The beauty of it is that you don't have to share it with anyone - but it can immensely help you understand your own feelings.
I understand your darkness. You WILL feel better again. My answer was the meds, and a wonderful husband. I know how you feel about meds, but I would encourage you to consider it. If you feel they don't help, you can always discontinue them. I feel the meds are helping. Both my father and best friend said I've been better than I have been in months. It's all due to the meds. The meds can give you a FOUNDATION that you can use to heal. They're not the total answer. God knows - you can't pop a pill and solve everything. But they can help.
You WILL get better. I'm here for you - every SECOND of the way. I love you.
Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I'm on Lamictal. Since last Wednesday. I'm on 25mg and every other day (my psych. was out of town and he colleague was on call who didn' think muscle pain was a symptom and it says it IS on the pharmacy sheet as did the pahrmacist himself!), and he put me on every other day. I've been waiting about a week for her to return and I hope to hear from her tonight!
She wants to keep me at 25 mg for 6 weeks. Then we move me up to 50mg. It could be MONTHS before I see any results from this med. I am considerng asking for something "potent" to help in the meantime. I just don't think I should have to live this way!
I decided to take meds because of you, BL, Kate...and others here. I decided I deserve to feel OKAY! And natural remedies may be the answer one day...but for now they certainly aren't! I need meds so I can THRIVE and LIVE!!!
I love you so much...thank you for inspiring me! And for loving me...I would surely be in the hospital (or dead--that's honesty!) without all of you by now...
Love you SO MUCH!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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The high you speak of sounds typical of bipolar, as does the low you feel right now. I highly recommend the journal. There are no rules. Write what you want to. No one has to see it but you - there is no judgement. Whatever you feel is good, WRITE. Sometimes, writing can help you rid some of the feelings you feel by putting them on paper. Then, you're not so bottled up with all these emotions.
Love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I've never heard or lactamil, so I have no advice. I've also been prescribed ATIVAN, which is a "downer" if you please. It's an anti-anxiety agent, and helps calm you down, whether down or up. It can help you sleep, as well, which is what I take it for. I would encourage you to ask your psychiatrist for a med that will help you sleep - I will help calm you down and allow you to get the rest that you need. I have been using ATIVAN on and off for the last few months. It has been a lifesaver. As your doctors will tell you, you must be careful with it because it can be addictive in higher doses. I'm on a very low dose, and am very careful with it - and it has been very helpful.
Love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Lamictal or lamotrigine is the "rash med" (if there's another one, I haven't heard of it).
REALLY! That gives me hope and might be something to talk to my psych about, thanks! There has GOT to be something that can be done to help me feel better.
Lamictal however is a med they usually don't like to mix with other meds until you're on a stable dose of it for a while as it often interacts with other meds *sigh*  BUT it's def. worth bringing up!!!! I'll keep you posted...
Ok, Alicia...I'm convinced. Journal time starts as soon as I send this post. What do I have to lose? You've been right about so much so far.....I'm gonna give it a try. Thanks so much I love you!!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Re: Journal
#202253 - 08/03/05 07:48 PM
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Snorkie
Reged: 02/15/05
Posts: 1999
Loc: Northern Illinois, USA
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I am not bipolar, but I have had some bouts of depression. Anyway, I started journaling "just because" when I was about 13. (Actually, I think I got the idea from my big sister.) There have been times when I've written in my journal more than once a day and others when it's been less than once a month. Sometimes I have something "important" to write. Other times, it's just "what I did today." (Heh - the entries from 8th grade would put you to sleep.)
I really believe my journal helped me hold on to sanity at times and that I might not be here today if I hadn't had Frank. (Yes, my journal has a name..."Frank" because I'm frank and honest when I write.)
I highly recommend journaling. Now if only I could find the creativity back to write poems again!
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Re: *HUGS*
#202256 - 08/03/05 08:01 PM
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Wind
Reged: 04/02/05
Posts: 3178
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Lots of honey bunches of hugs, Alicia.
This guilt thing that keeps creeping up...it's a tough one to toss out of your head...surrender...give up...lose.
It's toxic.
It gets you nowhere.
I don't know how to feel guilty about the way I was born, anymore. I took it to the land of forgetting and unlearning, therapy.
Sometimes it peeks in at me through the figurative window and I give it the finger...yes, immature childish tactics.
I'm just working on not feeling like a freak of nature, an abberation, an abomination. (Sorry, I've been rereading THE CRYSALIDS, today) I'm epileptic and have GAD and OCD and bipolar. They'd burn me at the stake a few centuries ago.
I'm supremely morbid tonight. Don't pay attention to my morbidity. Indeed, it makes me laugh, ultimately.
Honestly, though...I don't know guilt for being born this way.
But I do know anger and fear.
I'll stop babbling. Welcome back, Alicia. I know you'll look incredible at the wedding. I hope you have FUN!!! HUGS! You've been to hell and back and survived in body/mind/spirit.
Kate.
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Thank you Alicia. Your words meant a lot to me and I am sure they will to Tina. I did not know you and your husband were LD before and after you got married. Thank you again for your kind words and the support of our relationship. Hang in there and again, know that you have us in your corner as well.
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Re: MEDS
#202304 - 08/04/05 06:19 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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You mean Elavil? That's funny because my back doctor wanted me to take a very small dose of it to help alleviate my back pain (it's commonly prescribed for pain and fibro, as well as depression), but my psychiatrist refused to let me try it because he said it can trigger mania.
Maybe you can take it because you are taking the other med too. It may have had something to do with me also taking Trilpetal at the time. Oh well, everyone's different. As long as it's working for you, that's great! Elavil's one of the older meds and it's supposedly very safe.
I hope you don't gain weight on it. Some of the meds cause this, and others don't.
And by the way, my vet wanted to prescribe Elavil for my very timid dog. She is afraid of everything, and he said they've had success with it in calming animals' fears. I never did try it with her because she has gotten better with time and a lot of love and patience!
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I know. I keep thinking surely they would've shown signs of it by now, but I had symptoms of it when I was a teen (and in college)---and just didn't realize that's what it was.
I am driving myself crazy. I keep looking for signs they are in trouble. I would never forgive myself if something happened to them and I didn't recognize the signs!
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Oh Alicia, your kind words mean so much. You're such a sweetie!
Long distance relationships are a bit tough but we don't plan on doing this forevever. I see a move to NYC in my future.
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Epavil
#202319 - 08/04/05 08:08 AM
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I did a search on Epavil, BL, and it's NO"T Elavil LOL
How do they do this to us? Elavil and Epavil...Trileptal and Tegretol? SO confusing!!! 
Now, I can;t speak for Alicia and tell you which one she is taking...but I did want to mention there is such a thing as Epavil
Love you *hugs*
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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BL, do the meds help to keep you from worrying like this? PLEASE tell me yes....I need some hope today!!
I think because you know what bipolar is you will see it in your boys right away. Btw, are you bipolar I or II?
I love you lots!
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Formerly known as Ruchie
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Ruchie
#202328 - 08/04/05 08:34 AM
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BL
Reged: 06/01/03
Posts: 3522
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Oh, so it is something else. I guess I was just confusing the two. Yes, they all sound the same. It is very confusing!!!
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Hey Alicia,
Just wanted to say that I'm glad your home and starting to feel better...I really hope the treatment they've started you on works for you so you don't have to do a lot of med experimenting 
BTW, I was just diagnosed with mild OCD which I know you said you have...my psychiatrist respected that I was reluctant to go back on any anti-depressants right now so he's hoping that intensive therapy combined with a anti-anxiety drug (Klonopin) for the GAD and panic disorder should help...do you do any therapy for your OCD? I've yet to find a therapist because I can't afford a psychologist and the psychiatrist I saw just does emergency evaluations
Thanks,
Kelly
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Just read this and wanted to tell you that I am so glad you are doing better. You are such a wonderful person and I wish only the best things for you!
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Go to your regular MD. If you have an OCD diagnosis, you're eligible for therapy - specifically cognitive benaviour therapy (CBT) which is what I'm taking right now. It will teach you how to deal with the anxiety and to handle situations where the OCD can act up. I don't have to pay for it - it's payed by OHIP. If you get a referral from a regular MD, you see the psychologist for free. St Joe's has a unit in London, and a sattelite unit in Tillsonburg. The psychologist I'm seeing is Dr. Bates - he works out of London and I would recommend him. You might have to wait, but at least you don't have to pay for it.
Hugs, Alicia. PS - you can e-mail me anytime - I'd be happy to chat and share stories. If I can help at all, let me know. Don't hesitate. XO.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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I'm so happy for you two. I see a lot of John and I in you two. He had so many co-op terms in university, and then when we were married, we only saw each other on weekends, sometimes we went weeks without seeing each other. I know how you feel. I just kept telling myself that if it's meant to be then it will. 8 blissfully happy married years, 6 blissfully happy years dating before that, two children, a home, so many blessings later, we're still thrilled to be together. I wish that for you and Tommy.
Love, Alicia.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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Thanks Alicia dear! You and your hubby are SO lucky. That's so great!!!
I hope we are as lucky as yu two have been.
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