I have a secret and it scares me.....
#20060 - 09/09/03 11:38 AM
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Nugget
Reged: 02/10/03
Posts: 2167
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I'm not sure how to explain this best or if I even should try. But I feel that it would help me alot to just get it off my chest. I hope you don't mind.
You see....I've always been known as the shy, quiet, "never does anything wrong" type. For some reason I feel like I have so much anger built up in me and I don't know where it comes from. When I "explode" I do it when no one is around and I throw things or pound my fists into a pillow or on the bed matress, etc. I never throw anything that will break or destroy anything because I don't want anyone to find out. If anyone were to ever see me "explode" they'd be shocked I think. For example....this morning I asked my husband to do something and he didn't do it right away. I got frustrated trying to do it myself as he was outside doing something else before we went to work. So when he was outside I took my sweatshirt in my hand and beat it on our bed, I knocked over a little chair and inside I was screaming. He eventually helped with what I asked him to, and I knew he would. I don't know where this anger comes from over such petty things. But, it scares me. I even slapped our dogs this morning when they jumped up on me. It wasn't hard enough to hurt them, but what if it ever is? That scares me. My husband has seen my temper to a certain extent, but he has never really seen me "explode". How can I control it? How can I find out where it comes from? I think a lot of it is because I'm angry at my dad (even at my age of 35). I love my dad and we have always gotten along and he has been a good dad. Never was he abusive or anything like that. I just feel his work was and still is more important than anything else. He missed out on so much when my brother and I were kids and he continues to miss out on so much as we are adults. So sometime, I realize that if my husband or anyone does anything that reminds me of why I am angry with my dad then my anger builds up and I eventually "explode". Does that make sense?
When I was a kid, I would even hurt myself (minor things) so that I would get attention or get to go to the doctor. I have never ever told anyone that. Not that I was lacking in attention. I don't know what the problem was. I don't do that any more and haven't for many many years.
I think this has a lot to do with my tummy problems.
Thanks for listening.
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I think you should do 2 things.
1) Find someone who knows you and cares about you, that you feel safe talkign to about these feelings. I know it sounds scary but it will make all the difference in the world. Someone real life, not just us, though we're here for you. I actually found that person in my mother in law believe it or not!!! And my husband... once I allowed myself to really start talking to him I found he's not such a bad listener after all and no one loves me more than him.
2) If you're a Christian or are at least open to that in your heart, an EXCELLENT study is called Breaking Free by Beth Moore. I just finished it and it is absolutely wonderful. I went into a Christian bookstore and bought a copy of the workbook, it's meant to be done in a group setting but I did it by myself. Lots of those things I'd have never come out with in a group anyway!
You're not feeling anything unusual or weird, but to keep it pent up inside is very unhealthy. I'll be praying you find a way to come to peace with yourself!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Even though I don't know you very well, I share your pain. 
I think the biggest thing I can say to you is that you are not alone and that you don't have to go through this alone.
I agree that you need to find someone you trust to share these feelings with. Have you tried talking to your husband? The fact that you acknowledge there's a problem and are scared enough to want to do something about it shows me that you indeed a strong, intelligent person. With the right help, you will get through this painful cycle.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
--Kristine
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Dearest Nugget,
Please take heart and know that you took a big, big step in the right direction to open up, even on the message board, about your anger.....and your fear. I'm sorry I didn't respond - I've been in the process of moving, so I haven't been on the boards for a couple of days.
I agree with the others that counseling is the next step. I believe you need to let a professional know asap about your feelings. Sounds like you're teetering towards being out of control and I'd hate to have your situation escalate to the point that you harm yourself or someone else - the sooner you allow someone to listen to you and help you, the better, I believe. Your childhood history is significant - please mention that to any counselor you talk with - it will help point them in the right direction for you as far as counseling or meds are concerned.
I've had counseling over the years, both Christian and secular - and it's made a huge difference in my life. I'd like to give you an 800 # that has a "help" line 24/7 - and, they can put you in touch with a therapist in your area. I urge you to call them: 1-800-NEW-LIFE. These are contemporary Christian counselors and they're absolutely awesome! They can talk to you no matter what your belief system is. They have a website - newlife.com - and a talk radio show called "New Life Live." It might be comforting for you to check this out.
My heart broke for you when you mentioned your dad - and your longing for his attention. In a perfect world, we'd have perfect parents - but we don't. Sometimes our parents have hurts, too - but that doesn't excuse neglect or indifference. Some people just don't have what they need to give to their children - because their own needs weren't met - perhaps. There can be a lot of reasons. But I want you to know that there IS a perfect parent - God the Father loves you more than you can ever imagine and HE longs for YOU! He promises to be near to the brokenhearted and to bind up their wounds.... He says that if we call on Him, He will answer... We were created with a place in our hearts that only He can fill. Jesus calls God "Abba" - which is translated as "Daddy" - that's how real and how personal He is. He is just waiting for you to call on Him - and I'm saying this from personal experience: reaching out to Him, calling on the name of Christ, will bring you blessings you can't imagine.
Along these lines, there's a great book called "Into Abba's Arms" by Sandy Wilson. It would be a great book for you - and there are many others. But this isn't something you can "fix" yourself..... you need help and I believe you know that -- it's no accident that you had the courage to post your needs on this board! You've taken the most difficult step already - following through with the next step will be easier, I believe, and I urge you to take that step.
I have to go right now -- movers have shown up... there's so much more I'd like to say.... Please know that I'm praying for you - keep posting here!
In Christian love and concern,
Kaybee C
God
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HI-you have taken a big step by admitting that your anger scares you. I agree with everyone who has written in so far that counseling should be the next step. Talking to someone impartial and objective can
be very freeing and help you gain insight. I also agree with your perception that your anger may affect your IBS. I have noticed that I usually have my worst IBS problems when I am very angry. We are rooting for you!
Please seek help soon- I'm sure it will make a difference. Good luck! Linda
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"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." ~ Groucho Marx
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I responded on the other board. Please read - I'm worried about you. The childhood hurting self and the anger coming from "the blue" is all red flags here. Please read my response.
Love Han.
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Formerly HanSolo. IBS, OCD, Bipolar, PTSD times 3.
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.....that you know that I don't believe this is a "character" issue. Based on my personal experience, this sounds like it may be related to a "mood disorder" which, from what I understand, has its roots in a chemical imbalance --- which can be corrected with meds. The chemical imbalance, from what I understand, can make one vulnerable to the type of feelings and resulting behaviors you've been experiencing - and the triggers may be relationships or life situations.
Just wanted to encourage you to look at this in the same light as a broken leg - it's not your fault, but you do need some professional help to "mend". If you have a good, trustworthy, caring primary care physician, this, too, may be a good place to start, especially if you're not sure where else to turn. I have a three-person "team" of "professionals" : my primary care doc writes the prescriptions when I need something and I get counseling from someone else - depression and panic disorder with agoraphobia have been my issues (and anger was part of it, too - I've done some dish-breaking - not a good feeling to feel so out of control, so I can really empathize). The third person is the Wonderful Counselor, the Great Physician, the Healer - God Himself. I can't begin to tell you how wonderful it is to unburden myself to the Lord. Christ has become my Shield and my Refuge, my Hiding Place... He is my Firm Foundation - and He will be that for you - perhaps He already is! If not, He's just a prayer away!
Anyway, dear one, just wanted to log back on and get this down before I turn in.... you'll be in my prayers tonight.
May God bless you,
Kaybee C
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I used to do this. I broke a hairbrush, punched my sister, tried to strangle my parakeet...I slammed the doors in our house so hard I would trap myself in my bedroom or the bathroom because the door would jam...I knocked the kitchen clock off the wall and it broke.... I also hurt myself--I would bang my head, pull out my hair, bite my hands, slap my thighs, cut my fingernails so short they bled. This started with puberty and only gradually stopped (I'm 21 now).
Several years ago (has it been that long?!) I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and I've been on medication for over a year now. The medication has dreadful side effects but compared to the depression I was going through, this is certainly livable! I've also been in therapy on and off for six years and I'm currently looking for a new therapist (well, I have one, but her receptionist apparently doesn't answer the phone!!!).
You've already done the hardest thing--you've admitted that you're scared and need help. Now you can look for a therapist and possibly try out medication, both of which can really help. Trust me.
I'd say I still have some anger problems, not that I get angry and lash out, but mostly that, growing up, my dad, who is also bipolar, would really lose it and break things and yell, and I HATE that he did that, and that he still does sometimes. But I'm not where I was a few years ago, or last year, or even a few months ago. Things will get better.
Feel free to e-mail me--my address is in my profile.
By the way, IBS is more common in people with bipolar disorder than in the general population, just FYI.
Good luck.
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I want you to know that I was thinking of you as I had my quiet time with the Lord this morning. I've been doing a lot of meditating on Psalm 139. It is a wonderful Psalm on how intimately the Lord knows our EVERY thought, you may want to spend some time reading and thinking over that Psalm. I find it very comforting when I'm dealing with something that makes me feel otherwise very alone. Praying for you!
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Take care,
Michelle
...the greatest of these is LOVE. (I Cor 13)
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Hi Nugget,
Hope you are feeling better after writing your post.
Dealing with anger isn't an easy task, especially if you don't know the source of it. I really encourage you to get counseling, but see you doctor ASAP for meds.
I will keep you in prayers as you try to figure out the source of the anger.
Barb 
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Thank you all for your support, encouragement and suggestions. I really appreciate it and am thinking about talking with my GP. I just hate to go back on meds and disappoint anyone. Everyone was so proud of me for getting off Zoloft a couple years ago.
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Don't be afraid of disappointing anyone - you are being too hard on yourself. The first step is admitting you have a problem and the second step is talking to your GP and being honest with him. Hopefully through couseling you will beable to talk to your husband about your anger issue. Besides your husband no one else has to know you are on medication.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Barb
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One of the important things I have learned from a great philosophy I study is that there are two kinds of anger in this world -- one is on behalf of justice and the beauty of things, for example anger that there are people who have no place to live in this country -- and then another anger which is very common which feels the world is a mess and I have a right to lash out. We feel proud when we have the first anger and we feel bad later when we have the second. If you would like to learn more my email is mda10016@yahoo.com
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Dear KaybeeC
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your moving schedule to post such a heart-felt response to my situation. God was mentioned in many of the responses and I am kind of ashamed to say that I didn't grow up with God in my life. Both my parents were raised in church going families and yet they did not provide that for my brother and I. They left it up to us to choose when, where and what religion we felt comfortable with. The only time I ever remember going to church was on Easter, for weddings, and for funerals. I have never even read the bible. The only things I learned about God was through TV, those brief visits to church, and what others have told me. My husband was raised in a very religious family but no longer attends church either. He has very strong christian beliefs, however and he and I both believe that you don't have to go to a church to believe. I have my beliefs, but I have always felt as if I missed something by not being introduced to church by my parents. I don't know how to pray really. I get teary eyed when I read posts talking about God.
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Hi, dear one!
Still moving - just came back over to get another load - what a mess.... but I wanted to check in on you. I just had to respond to your sweet, honest statement that you "don't know how to pray."
Here's where to start: "Lord, help."
Prayer is just the cry of your heart to God's heart. And I believe God's heart is breaking for you right now - that's the kind of Father He is. God is completely, perfectly all-knowing.... and He's just waiting for you to come to Him. He's a gentleman, though - He won't push His way into your heart. The only way to God, though, is through His Son, Jesus Christ. Jesus is "the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father but by me." (Jesus' words) He also said, "I stand at the door and knock. If anyone answers, I'll come in to him." (I'm paraphrasing because my Bible's at my new home. But you get the idea). Dear Jesus has been standing at the door, knocking - He's just waiting to be invited over the threshold of your heart! When we accept Christ as our Savior, He becomes our biggest prayer warrior - that's His job right now - sitting at the right hand of God the Father, interceding for His children.
Christ went to the Cross as the perfect offering for sin - all the sins of the world. And He did it out of love - "for the joy that was set before Him" - which was the salvation of all who will believe on His name. None of us, no matter how good we are, how many good works we do, how loving we are, are "sinless". We're separated from God by our sin (because of the sin of Adam and Eve) but Jesus has bridged the gap....
How does anyone accept Christ as Savior? It begins with faith, which is a gift from God - faith that Christ's death on the Cross was for you and that it covered all your sins with perfect righteousness - HIS righteousness. Believe in your heart that Christ is Lord, and then "confess it with your mouth". I did this over a shopping cart at a Wal-Mart several years ago - I just prayed with someone, "Jesus, I know I'm a sinner and I believe that you died on the Cross for my sins so that I could have eternal life in heaven with You. I ask you to come into my heart right now." You can pray something like that, too. When you do, Christ will come to live on the inside of you in the person of the Holy Spirit... and you will not only have eternal life, but you will have blessings on this earth that you can't imagine! It's not magic.... it's real..... There won't be any aura around you and your problems won't disappear overnight - but you can have the "peace that surpasses human understanding" - and you will have entered into the most wonderful love relationship you can imagine! From that point on, you can count on God to guide you, to comfort you, to teach you, to bless you.....
I believe in your posts that you've been expressing a "longing for belonging" - you're a "seeker" - and the One you're seeking is God. I noticed that you asked about "Dianetics" - I believe this is by L. Ron Hubbard? It's a very deceptive philosophy - and the very fact that you're asking about it confirms, I believe, that you are truly seeking God. There are plenty of man-made philosophies and religions that sound just great - very uplifting, very "promising" - with a "plan" to follow. But there is no power in "positive thinking" or any other type of philosophy - they're full of empty promises that can never be fulfilled. God, however, is faithful and keeps His promises - there is no changing in Him. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Place your trust in His Son and your life will never be the same. This is not about joining a church or having "religion" or following a "philosophy" - it's about a personal relationship with the Living, Resurrected Savior, Jesus Christ.
Don't worry right now about "religion" and church - start by asking Jesus into your heart and God will lead you from there...
I sincerely hope you'll read this in the spirit it's sent - full of love and compassion - and the knowledge that I've received the same forgiveness and new life I've been writing to you about. And it's a gift from God, not due in any part to any effort on my part - nothing I could do could "earn" a place in Heaven. I'm praying you'll experience the same joy I've had .....
May God guide you and bless you with the gift of faith!
In Christian love,
Kaybee C
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You definately should talk to a doc about this especially since you slapped your poor innocent dogs. What if something else happens that is worse next time you know? You really don't want to hurt others or yourself.
p.s. I've always been quiet too since I have a social anxiety disorder.
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